Interesting article. I do think there are social circles where many boys are very masculine, and maybe they do need to be parented differently than girls. But then there are social circles where this is not the case.
I think of George Saunder’s 2004 New Yorker piece, meant to be humorous, but he picks up on something real: MY AMENDMENT | The New Yorker
Yes, raising kids today, especially boys, can be challenging.
“The Man Box is what society tells boys and men they can be and should be. Boys don’t cry. Boys don’t show their emotions. And anything that’s outside the Man Box, you’re penalized socially.”
We raise our kids (including boys) to be open to anything and not try and box them into concepts that have a history of being gender-affiliated. But then they get bullied for liking pink or enjoying dance or sewing something, none of which should be gender-specific. And no matter how the parents might try to raise their children with no gender box, they (especially boys) quickly learn about the gender box once they hit school. Some boys are resilient and may push back against and might not care about what some others are saying, but for more sensitive kids, that’s a hard ask.
There’s almost a degree of code-switching that boys need to do. It’s okay to cry, but you can’t let someone see that something they did/said made you want to cry. It’s good to have friends and be popular, but you can’t actually have emotionally intimate friendships because those aren’t the kind of relationships that cis-males should have. And what’s okay to do/act/say in the house (with no gender box) is not okay to do/act/say outside of the house because of potential perceptions/social repercussions.
Mr. Reeves depicts a generation of floundering boys in the public school system, noting that, among the top 10 percent of G.P.A. scores, two thirds belong to girls, and, among the bottom 10 percent, two thirds belong to boys. Mr. Reeves notes that the G.P.A. gap has been growing. And: “In K-12 schools, 23 percent of boys have been diagnosed with developmental disability,” he said. “At a certain point you have to wonder if it’s the system, rather than the boys.”
“In 2020, the decline in college enrollment was seven times greater for male than for female students,” Mr. Reeves writes, noting that this is a finding with major implications for economic mobility.
Once again, I think this is an area where a lot of parents are flailing. As an example, Kid isn’t bringing home straight As (or even straight Bs).
Is part of it just a developmental delay that will resolve in time? (Finland, for example, doesn’t start teaching reading until age 7, but their educational system is producing much stronger results than in the U.S. There are many who talk about the neurological appropriateness of the U.S. educational system.)
How much should parents push? No prodding is irresponsible, but at what point is the pushing making stressed-out kids who feel the need to be perfect? If the kid is having major tantrums around schoolwork and has a related diagnosis of some sort, how does that play into the calculus?
All that to say, yes, there are lots of people who are desperately seeking answers on how to raise boys.
I think both articles are total blather.
I doubt everyone one was "Oh NO! Not 3 boys! but rather "Oh NO! A 6, 4 and a new born–good luck with that! (and a chuckle of “glad it’s not me” or “BTDT and never again” )thrown in.
I have both a daughter and a son. Each are their own person. The trick to parenting is figuring out which works for each. Instead of worrying about “toxic masculinity” or other nonsense spend your time trying to raise them to be responsible adults. That’s the hard part. (And sorry it sounds like her two boys got put on medication to keep them under control for her benefit and not theirs.)
And why worry when your boy quits playing with dolls in favor of baseballs? Is that because of peer pressure or perhaps baseball is more fun? Let them grow up for heaven’s sake.
And a 60K school with wiggly chairs and velcro? Did they bother to build a playground and let everyone run around outside? Ugh. Just ugh.
Online, #BoyMom can be a badge of honor awarded for simply surviving the amped-up hi-jinx of tumbling boy-tots; or it can be a tragedy, centering on the inevitable “break up” that must occur between mothers and son; or it can it be a sendup of itself, a parody of the “toxic boy mom” who is dangerously, proudly enmeshed with her son.
Want some narcissistic hogwash? Just look at the three things listed in that hashtag
“BoyMom”.
1–A badge of honor–oh my! You’ve SURVIVED raising 50% of all humans born. It was SO HARD. Poor you. Um, no. Just no. Baby boys are just as delightful as baby girls.
2–The inevitable “break up”…lol. You’ll be lucky with such a poor attitude if any of your kids still talk to you once out of the house. Kids grow up–you don’t own them forever no matter their sex.
3–“toxic boy mom”–guess that means “momma’s boy” in old parlance. So raise them to be their own people and respect some boundaries after you’ve done it. And that goes for a girl or boy. I’ll bet people want strong daughters also who can stand up for themselves.
We just don’t have a hashtag for that.
I so dislike the boy mom, girl mom (or dad) trend. Hey, people - you are a mom (or dad) to a human being. Play with them, read to them, teach them, talk with them, pretend with them. It doesn’t matter if they are male or female - just love them!
I agree that many schools have not been nourishing places for boys or for any very young children in general. I also agree that in the US we tend to push academics and seat work too early. Those are some of the reasons we homeschooled, leaving a private school midway through K for our son.
Teachers and administrators at two schools suggested that S needed to be medicated when he was four and five. He was bored, unchallenged and tired of sitting too much. They also routinely punished children, nearly always boys, by keeping them inside at recess when what they seemed to need most was time to blow off steam outside. I volunteered at the schools and it was heartbreaking to see how some of the little boys were shamed for their behavior when the teachers had unrealistic expectations.
One thing we, and our son, were lucky about is that he was quite tall for his age and from an early age he was assumed to be a football player or an aspiring one. His size meant that he was not subjected to the same teasing or rude comments for his interests as some smaller boys.
I knew I shouldn’t open this thread.
Boys aren’t hard to raise if you spend time with them rather than reading books about how to raise them.
Hmmm. Interesting.
Signed,
Mom of three sons
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