If I hadn’t had children, I would have missed the main joys of life. These young people aren’t thinking long term.
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I have a brother who always said he didn’t want kids. He wanted his freedom to travel the world. Spend $ how he wanted and basically just do what he wanted, when he wanted. All of his romantic relationships failed. He is now in his late 50’s, has regrets and is lonely. But, at the time that was his choice and he was happy about living life.
That feels judgmental. Just because you feel that way doesn’t mean everyone does.
My brother and his wife never had kids. I think that it was a good thing as he’s really selfish. His wife said that she didn’t want to be a single mom (he used to golf every weekend and generally live his life like he had no responsibilities). I do wonder whether kids would’ve tempered him as he also can be really kind. He will be 70 next month, and now that our parents are gone I do wonder who is going to take care of them as they age. But you shouldn’t have kids just so they can be eventual caretakers.
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I imagine it would be very hard to think “long term” when saddled with crippling student loan debts; no current day prospects for being able to own a home in an area with decent jobs; when our planet in is burning up; and basic human rights are constantly on the line.
Sadly, I can understand it.
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People in such situations who decide not to have children are doing themselves, and society as well, a service. I hope that the others, the ones without student debt, the ones with well paying jobs do have children. They will solve the worlds problems.
And who is going to work in nursing homes and/or as home health aides? IMO, society functions much better with a broad spectrum of economics, abilities, and interests. I am wowed by immigrants I know whose work is cleaning houses and taking care of children, elderly people, and the sick and the disabled. Where are these people without student debt and with well-paying jobs going to find help to support their lifestyles as working parents with children? Who’s going to take care of their elderly parents?
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I think you answered your own question?
I know several young adults who grew up in loving homes and have decided not to have children. This is not necessarily political (TBH I do not even know how most of them lean politically, it varies among their parents). All are close to their parents and siblings.
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I don’t understand this response, unless you mean immigrant women. If you do, let’s continue this discussion on the political thread.
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Some people decide not to have children because of genetic issues they have. Outsiders would never know that. My response is mainly addressing those who didn’t have happy childhood and who don’t want their future children to go through this.
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No family groups at Thanksgivings. No children around the Christmas tree. No first day of school. No teaching little ones to read or to see natural wonders. No graduations. No weddings. No grandchildren. No cuddles. No hugging babies. The couples I know are forgoing all this for what, ? I’m not sure.
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Let me simplify:
Some may choose not to have kids for a myriad of reasons. That’s great. I would not, in any way, try to “talk them into” having children.
Others may choose to have children. I think that’s great. We would support them in their efforts.
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We had children despite my unhappy childhood. It was hard not having a good role model for being a mom and I wasn’t perfect, but my kids seem to have happy memories. I was very determined to not repeat the abuse, both physical and emotional, that I endured from my mother, and I made sure our kids knew that they were wanted and loved.
One of my kids does not have children, but is a wonderful uncle and older cousin to the little ones in our extended family. Serious chronic health problems, which are likely to be life shortening, played a role in the decision to not have kids. His wife never wanted children, and her own health issues may have made pregnancy problematic anyway. She assumed that I’d be upset with her and might pressure them for grandchildren. No way. I made it clear that it was solely their decision.
The only thing I told our kids about considering whether to have a child, or another child, was that if one of the couple was against it then the no vote wins.
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I can think of several people I know with children who, in my opinion, shouldn’t have had them. I can think of several people I know without children who, in my opinion, should have had them. But my opinion matters not one little bit in either case. And in all cases is based on incomplete information because we can never truly know what’s going on in someone else’s life/mind.
My older son has said he doesn’t plan on having children. When I shared that with my close friends the response was “don’t worry, he’ll change his mind.” But I’m not worried and I don’t need him to change his mind.
My younger son has always talked about having a “team-ful” of kids. I’m not worried about that either and would never try to get him to change his mind.
In my view, there’s nothing more personal than family planning. And so the only role I have in anyone else’s family planning (including my own kids) is to love them and accept them.
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This does not seem to be consistent with your prior post.
Many people I know who grew up in unhappy families have chosen to have children, and some who grew up in happy families have chosen not to.
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I was never interested in children, and never felt very strongly about it. I probably would have been fine not having children. But then I had kids, and love them more than anyone or anything in the world, so I see what I would have missed.
History is repeating itself, as now I’m not particularly interested in grandchildren! But, I expect if any should appear, I will love them with equal passion.
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One of the best reasons for pre-marital counseling. And while the “no” vote might win it certainly doesn’t make smooth sailing.
For the “you’ll change your mind”—very often that’s true. Never say never. Usually I think it’s the ambivalent turning to “why not?”.
In our present society people job hop, move, change career directions. Always keeping their options open. You can’t just “change or quit” your kids. Your options get severely limited. In my opinion you receive more that you’ve given up but it is a true leap of faith into the unknown. It’s scary.
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Different people have different values. Everything you listed would be the biggest horror of my life that I don’t wish on my worst enemies. But I recognize that some people are perfectly happy with those choices.
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The people I know without children find joy in other things and I don’t necessarily think they feel like they are “missing” those things. I know many people that just aren’t into kids. I even know people with kids that don’t necessarily love all of those things. I know people that relish their role as uncle, aunt, or godparent and get a little “fix” of kids from time to time and just love being able to be the fun one and hand the kid back for the big stuff.
It’s great that you can’t imagine living without those things. It means you chose the right path. For you. But don’t judge others for not finding the joy in those things.
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Ever since S23 could speak and people asked him what he wanted to be when he grew up (fully expecting the answer to be “a baseball player”) he answered that he wanted to be a dad. I think he will definitely have kids. I know a lot of the things in his memory box are to show his future kids.
D22 always had a doll in her hands and was obsessed with changing diapers. We would bribe her with real diapers for her dolls for staying in bed. At 2 she would chase her 1 year old brother, who weighed more than she did, around the house and tackle him to change his diaper. Yet, she never said she wanted to be a mom. She’s worked at a daycare since she was 16 and is currently in school to be a kindergarten teacher. She swears she’s never going to have kids. Thinking about it, I work with a lot of great teachers that don’t have kids.
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