My kids were malignantly neglected for the first year of their lives. So benign neglect was never an option. Extreme case, but I think each child’s family situation dictates what would/should best serve the child.
I was benignly neglected by my parents and I don’t think I was better off for it. I have few memories of meaningful activities with my parents. I’ve had a very hard time during my entire life speaking and communicating with people. I think not having deep connections or even somewhat regular real conversations with my parents contributed to some extent to that. If I hadn’t had been a good reader, I don’t think I’d have been able to function well at all as an adult.
I have a lot of kids, my parenting style is best described as benign neglect. Pretty free range, they walked to school, could walk or ride around town by 10 or so, I used to take my 4 year old to weight watcher meeting with my mom friends. Even things I did for them (playgroups, mommy and me classes) were 99% for my benefit as a SAHM. I used them to make friends. They were almost always welcome to have friends over.
I agree with this column so much.
ETA: I think the reason people complain about kids in public is because kids haven’t been taught to behave in public. We used to take our kids out to eat every Saturday. Once they mastered behavior in McDonald’s, we moved on to a diner. Then they graduated to a place with linen napkins (don’t get too excited; it was Red Lobster). But they learned how to move in “nicer” spaces. I’ve been in restaurants where kids were allowed to run around, which is both rude and dangerous. I don’t mind dining in spaces with kids; I mind dining in spaces with kids whose parents seem oblivious to their behavior.
I didn’t work outside the home, but my kids were dragged everywhere with me. They definitely were bored more than a time or two. They didn’t have screens to entertain them in the car or when we went places. I did bring a bag of books, paper, crayons & the like when we went to church, restaurants, the older kid’s practices, etc. They were very well behaved in public. Glad to know that I was doing the right thing! D raises her D the same way.
I’m not going to lie, though - I did sometimes swoop in to help too quickly as they got older. That’s for another thread. But I have shared my thoughts on that with D so she can take it into consideration as her own D grows up.
I also didn’t allow screens in the car, even on long road trips. Well-meaning in-laws gave me a portable screen so the kids could watch movies on trips, but I didn’t use it. We played games and listened to music and read.
I dislike any parenting article that glamourizes or retroactively tries to spin “this is the way it was” back in the good old days. Just as there are tremendous variations of parenting now, there were tremendous variations “back then”. For every loving, empathetic parent back in whichever era you want to examine, there were addicted or psychotic parents who were dreadful caregivers even if they were great at the “ignore their kids more often” thing.
Even in a safe, relatively contained neighborhood back in the 60’s where I grew up, pathologies abounded. Kids got abused and sexually assaulted then too- it just wasn’t acknowledged and CERTAINLY nobody thought that these kids would need support/mental health intervention. I know of a case in my own neighborhood- the abuser moved on after a very quiet “we won’t talk if you leave immediately” discussion-- and so what then- he moves on to take advantage of an entirely different community’s vulnerable kids?
I’m not a fan of helicoptering- but these articles which claim there was a golden age of raising healthy, self sufficient kids really bug me. I remember the first suicide in my high school- who was looking out for THAT young guy while the parents were busy with benign neglect or whatever it was called?
Yes, keep your kids away from screens whenever you can and for as long as you can. My friends who teach middle school are appalled when young boys (10-12) start asking questions about things they’ve witnessed on various porn websites. Violent, abhorrent images. Child safety on the internet? Ha ha ha.
Yes, your kids can be bored for an afternoon or a weekend and it won’t kill them to make up their own game or read or do something on their own without an organized activity.
But pretending that bygone days were better for kids because they played outside more? Bridge too far. Especially since dad might be drunk and mom had just taken her “mother’s little helper” which is why the kids were shooed outside until dark. Not always the paradise these writers imagine.
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