I thought that this was a lovely column. I’m always interested in the things people I graduated with are up to. Even people ds2 knew in HS have surprised me.
Looking back, I wonder whether these poor kids were as messed up as the moms of the “good kids” made them sound or whether there was generalized hysteria that some kids got caught doing totally age-appropriate things that their kids would never do. I recently was at a party and met one of the “bad girls” who is a doctor. And another around whom rumors swirled, and she was delightful and moving from one coast to another, highly successful.
My late brother was a late bloomer. He struggled through HS, then hit his stride around law school and after. By the time he died at age 68, he had accumulated an estate worth 8 figures and had the respect of most of our community, including the charities for whom he served as president of their Boards. He is greatly missed and had a huge number of mourners at his services. He touched many lives with his generosity and helpfulness.
So, for all the kids (or parents of kids), who are not going to win the CC Olympics of the highest possible academic stats and rigor with superlative upon superlative accomplishments, this message is for you.
If I could give all those kids a graduation gift, it would be this plain but important truth: Everything can still be fine. Not easy, necessarily, but fine. This is almost certainly true, no matter what seemingly hopeless mess they have made of their affairs or bleak vision they’ve developed of their abilities and future. Virtually all American 18-year-olds have more options and more time than they’ve been led to believe. Teenagers’ biographies (whether promising or ominous) should not be interpreted as dispositive proof of years to come.
And yes, the author was discussing people with juvenile records, and drug habits, and unplanned pregnancies, and barely passing grades (none of which is typically shared on CC), but hanging out on CC, it also seems to affect the kid/families where kids “only” have a 3.7 GPA and a 1200 ACT and whose biggest EC was working part-time at a fast food restaurant (and to be clear…that kind of student is an above average student…just not as much around CC). All of that to say…this very much reminds me Natasha Bedingfield’s “Unwritten”
I am unwritten
Can’t read my mind
I’m undefined
I’m just beginning
The pen’s in my hand
Ending unplanned
Here’s the catch, though: While it’s still possible for most 18-year-old Americans to drastically improve their material circumstances, the perception of self that forms during impressionable teenage years can inflate or cripple people into adulthood — and that part is much, much harder to change.
And this message is so key for all of us, especially the parents and adults. We need to think about our language, not just when we’re talking to a student, but about other students and other people. It doesn’t take a rocket scientist to deduce that someone who’s making negative comments about others (particularly about their skills, accomplishments, grades, income, car, career, etc) would also think negatively about someone who had some of those same traits. So even if you would never make negative comments about your own kid, if they have heard you make negative comments about others, that is also impacting their self-image.
Words are powerful. It behooves us all to to use them for good.
Great! The best graduation gift I could give is this: Everything can still be fine. Life may not be easy, but even if things seem hopeless now, there are more options and time ahead than most 18-year-olds realize. Your current situation doesn’t define your future.
My S, in his early 30’s, knows a number of people who, in high school, were what we used to call burn outs - and are now doing very well in their lives. He’s been sharing happy updates about them. Yup, there is always time to get your act together.