<p>Funny how it’s always the woman who has to agonize about this. Men just get up, go to work and don’t worry that they aren’t “good enough fathers” as a result.</p>
<p>"
Is it an explicit goal of yours to have your kids engaged by the time they are done college?
No, since it cannot be predicted when they will find a good mate. But if they do meet such a person, it may be unwise to preclude a relationship because they are too busy with coursework and ECs. When will they not be busy?"</p>
<p>I was engaged at 19 and married my college sweetheart at age 21, just after I graduated. While it worked out for me, it’s not what I’d want for my daughter. I would have benefited from more independence and being on my own.</p>
<p>Some people do it your way, riprorin, and other people do it other ways.</p>
<p>Wow. I’m usually the one being called draconian around here! Lol. I work, and do quite well salary wise. DH has been home with the kids for the past 11 years. He’s a mental health professional. I’m in a STEM field. Great SAHD. Terrible housekeeper, but the kids are more important anyway. I had hoped Aw, as a society had broken out of some of these stereotypes. Both of my parents worked and had very strong work ethic, and I NEVER felt for one moment that I was less important than their careers! Heck, I was the REASON why they both had a job. They worked hard to provide for me.</p>
<p>Actually, riprorin, I think I’ve done a fantastic job at both. I’ve been promoted through the ranks at work…I’vd worked my tail off with only a 2 year technical degree. Hard work has taken me far. And I’ve still checked the homework, made it to PTA, been to every choir concert, band concert, football game, softball game, soccer tournament, laughed hard, worked hard and played hard with my kids. I take exception to the generalization that I probably screwed up one end or another.</p>
<p>Why is it that women who choose careers frequently belittle women who choose to stay home and raise a family? My wife gets it all the time.</p>
<p>Riprorin, who did that? Not me!!! I’ve been the SAHM too! Parenting is the most difficult, most blessed job there is. I wouldn’t speak ill of SAHMs OR of working mom’s.</p>
<p>cromette, I don’t see how two professionals can work 40 hours or more a week and raise a family without one or both cutting some corners.</p>
<p>I can’t imagine dropping my kids off with strangers at 12 weeks or not having someone there when they got home for school.</p>
<p>Maybe you don’t do it but there are plenty of woman who look down their noses at stay at home moms.</p>
<p>Hmmm…sounds to me like YOU just looked down YOUR nose at my mom and dad, and at me, for a portion of my parenthood. And no, I absolutely do not. I am jealous of them, I love many of them (close friends)…and for a short time, I was one. Many people look down their noses at one group or another for various reasons, usually flawed reasons which they have limited actual knowledge about. Careful not to be one of those people.</p>
<p>We had live-in help because of the nature of my H’s job (he is a physician in a specialty that requires him to be on call and leave at a moment’s notice and be gone for an unpredictable amount of time, and consequently could not be relied upon to pick up or drop off at a daycare). We’ve had the same person the entire time and she now functions as a housekeeper now that my kids are older. Think Alice in the Brady Bunch. . How, pray tell, is she a stranger? Btw, people aren’t strangers forever. They become familiar and problem solved.</p>
<p>The decisions people make tell what they really value. If career, money, prestige, is more important than your kids, just acknowledge it rather than rationalizing.</p>
<p>I’m wondering if a lot of the elite school obsession on CC is a result of parents overcompensating for not spending more time with their kids.</p>
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It doesn’t mean that at one point they didn’t put something before you. They may have done so because they felt it was in your best interest. Being not #1 on the priority list 100% of the time is not a bad thing. It does not make you a bad parent. Who’s to say that the thing that replaced your kid isn’t for the better? Who’s to say it won’t help provide them shelter, buy toys or Christmas, or even allow to, eventually, spend more time with them?</p>
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I don’t believe riprorin did. He didn’t say anything about you or your mom and dad. He simply said he couldn’t imagine doing so. You can’t be offended by his personal decision. </p>
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Perhaps what he was talking about didn’t apply to you. Perhaps he was talking about daycares where there are at least 5 different people who would, at some point of the day, be taking care of your child. </p>
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Many people act like their having their feet stepped on, but fail to realize they’re the ones sticking their feet out in the first place. </p>
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It’s true. They can’t without, like you said, cutting one or both corners.</p>
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<p>Yes, to realize the liberal/feminist dream of two spouses with high-powered careers as well as children, you need female household help. Those pesky gender roles appear in another form. Yes, there are are SAHDs, but they are still greatly outnumbered by SAHMs. And is the fraction of male live-in nannies even 1%?</p>
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<p>Sounds like you’re a biological essentialist. That women are not only better / destined to raise the children but also to clean the house, cook the meals, etc. Of course, that’s a nice dodge for a man who doesn’t want to be bothered with stepping up to the plate and doing the things that are needed to run a household. Hey, if I were that kind of guy, I’d make like my wife was “superior” in folding the laundry too – gets me off the hook. </p>
<p>BTW, what you’re describing isn’t some “liberal feminist dream.” It’s just common sense. We had two spouses with career aspirations – amazing, when we met at one of those fancy schmancy elite colleges chock full of people with high SAT’s and interests! – and that’s how we chose to balance things. Other people do it different ways and that’s fine too. It takes all types. It sure works out conveniently for YOU, though, that your wife is the default one-who-stepped-back, huh? I doubt you ever considered it the other way. No, men are made for intellectual thinking and women are made for kitchen and laundry room.</p>
<p>Believe it or not, there are high stat kids with varied interests at non-“elite” schools.</p>
<p>You chose to have two parents who worked outside the home and hand of the rearing of your child. Fine, your choice, but why the need to suggest that people who don’t go to elite schools and choose your path are Neanderthals? Running a household and raising children is a career, and an important one, regardless of the fact that it’s not particularly valued by our society.</p>
<p>Work out what works for your own household. Who cares what “society” thinks?</p>
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<p>A huge majority of live-ins hired to do such work are female. Why?</p>
<p>^oh my. I am afraid to ask why you think so?</p>
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<p>Ours was an elementary school teacher in her home country, but her English, while fine, would not be sufficient to become an elementary school teacher here. And she likes the ability to be able to live-in during the week and have her own place on the weekends. She’s part of our family now, so I’m not going to dump her on the street now that my children are older and don’t need the hands-on supervision they did when they were younger. Why do you ask?</p>
<p>A huge majority of sanitation workers are male. Does that mean males are inherently more “into” the idea of picking up garbage? Or is it just that – jobs need to be done, and people do them?</p>