<p><a href=“http://www.podunk.com/[/url]”>http://www.podunk.com/</a></p>
<p>Note that they’ve admitted women from the beginning…</p>
<p>Intrusive and offensive? If I ask kids this question, they are friends of my D’s who have eaten at our dining room table, performed in shows with her, and been treated like part of the family. It doesn’t feel overly intrusive to me. But I would never question their choices or make a crack like “aren’t you reaching a little high?” These are very close friends of hers with whom we share a strong sense of community- most of them spend countless hours sitting in my family room playing games and watching movies. I wouldn’t ask a kid I barely know, nor challenge their thought process- but I don’t think it is an offensive question in and of itself. It can be, depending on the questioner’s intentions.
My point was that a student can’t stop people from asking, but if they view it as an attack, they can’t feel good about the encounter. However if they adjust thier perception of the question, and look at it from another point of view, they no longer have to feel attacked every time someone asks. It can just be an innocent question. You still don’t need to answer it, and I would never continue to pry if they were evasive…but I think sometimes if you don’t ask, it’s almost like ignoring the elephant in the corner of the room. This is the most important thing they are doing right now, and asking can be a way of showing empathy…ie “How are you holding up with all the apps you are writing?” followed by a discussion of where they are applying.</p>
<p>I understand completely what the OP is going through. About 90% of my graduating class won’t apply anywhere other than public state universities, but for the 50 people who are applying elsewhere, it’s cutthroat. We discuss college CONSTANTLY. Any free time in class is generally spent talking about who is applying where, what kind of chances each person has at each school, who’s dad is MAKING them apply to Harvard (when they won’t get in, DUH), who isn’t applying to Yale (even though they DEFINITELY should), who is going to get into Princeton (because, like, we’re BOTH applying, and they won’t take TWO of us). **Please note the sarcasm.</p>
<p>Anyway, since my CLASSMATES are so consumed with the whole thing it’s unsurprising that their parents are as well. I’m applying to 4 Ivies (in addition to 7 other schools) and rattling off that list is exhausting and unnecessary. When somebody asks me, I start with my safeties and they either lose interest or stop me to ask me a question about of the schools (one of the many advantages of little-known LACs!!). When this happens, I don’t even need to mention those 4 Ivies because they are towards the end of the list. I’ve spent the year until now saying “Yeah, I don’t really know where I’m applying yet…” but I obviously can’t do that anymore. Generally, starting conversation about how you REALLY want to attend one school can divert attention from the selective schools you’re applying to, which therefore deters the whole “oh, you pompous prestige-whore” glance/euphemistic speech.</p>
<p>I’m not sure if that made any sense…but I just want to say that I know what you’re talking about. I understand parents are just trying to make small talk, but a lot of times the replies we receive with eyes aren’t worth the risk of partaking in said small talk. At the same time, I think I would still feel rude even if I very politely said that I wasn’t goign to discuss it until April (or something along those lines).</p>
<p>Long story short: start up a conversation about ONE place you’re applying. You’ll still be on topic and it won’t be obvious that you…aren’t answering the question. Or at least it won’t be if you do it well, haha. </p>
<p>Good luck!</p>
<p>The original poster’s question reminded me of something I learned from a Vietnam veteran who returned to the U.S. in l972 with many stories he did not care to share. He told me that other people his age constantly asked him questions about Vietnam, MEANT only to make him feel very uncomfortable, because war opposition was growing strongly among students in those years.
His first realization: he didn’t have to answer anything just because someone asked. His strategy: return it immediately with a question to them about themselves on an entirely unrelated topic. Most people are self-centered (he felt, not me…) so they are happier to talk about themselves anyway. The conversations sounded like this, “So, what did they want you to do over there in Vietnam?” and he replied, without pause, “So how did you decide to buy that car?” And they’d launch into their own answer, happy to talk about themselves.
The stakes are high for colleges, but he was just holding in the hurt. I learned from him and used his strategy whenever I needed to…about why I wasn’t yet married, or anything else I felt personal and vulnerable.
Good luck. It’s a tense time. Don’t let it get you down. Share college ap shop talk if you wish but don’t ever feel you have to answer such questions.</p>
<p>wow, thanks for all of the wonderful responses! A lot of this advice is great. I agree that many times the question is harmless and for parents of close friends or for family members, I generally have no problem discussing it with them because I know that they will be respectful and are generally just curious. it is mostly those people who I DON’T know well that end up being rude. I will try some of the various tactics you all suggested. Thanks for your support!</p>
<p>Give them a big smile and say brightly ‘It’s a secret. I’ll let you know in May.’</p>
<p>If they persist, continue the big smile, but don’t give in. Change the subject. If they still persist, say firmly “I am NOT going to talk about it, so please just quit, ok?”</p>
<p>If they get offended by that, that’s their problem.</p>
<p>Good advice all around. Learning to exercise control over the information we choose to share and the direction of a conversation is a life skill. Same goes for not answering questions about what names you have selected for your soon-to-be-born baby… just saying the names will likely invite all sorts of stream-of-consciousness commentary. </p>
<p>Most people are just trying to connect and make conversation. This time of year is a peak season for seeing relatives and family friends who are likely genuinely interested but mostly just making chit-chat. High school senior + relatives + holiday time = questions about college. Have a prepared statement or two, and coordinate it with your parents so that everyone is answering the same way. </p>
<p>Give your response, then ask the questioner about their own college experience, what they found to be their most significant memories or courses, etc. One question that really gets people going is whether they are employed now in their major field of study, or their career progression, or what they would study now if they could do it all over. </p>
<p>It’s a mine field for adults talking to seniors at this time of year… if they inquire about college, they never know if they’re opening a sensitive subject such as an ED denial or deferral… best to keep it general and let the student volunteer any good news. Anyone who knows you is hoping for good news, so they might tiptoe around the subject until they get an indication from you that you’re comfortable talking about the subject.</p>
<p>I think any time high school or college kids are in a setting with relatives or adults, including weddings or holiday parties, they are going to be engaged in conversation by well-meaning adults. Typical adult questions: how do you like school, what’s your favorite subject, are you doing any sports, what are your plans for the summer/junior year abroad/internships etc. Bonus points for responding in full sentences. One-word responses are guaranteed to get the adult working double time and then the invasive questions will escalate as they try to draw you out… This is especially true with younger teenage boys who may not want to field personal questions and who tend to specialize in short responses. The adults generally aren’t going to be able to talk about technology or music, so they are going to go straight to social life, do you have a girlfriend, and other excruciating or embarassing topics including college apps. The adults don’t mean to be invasive for the most part; they are just making small talk and trying to connect.</p>
<p>the most “obnoxious” questioner i had to deal with when my d was applying was the mom of a friend of my d’s. whenever i asked this mom anything, the answer was her s didn’t really want to let out any info about his applications. fine, i had no problem with that. but then she’d proceed to grill me all about my d’s applications in incredible detail!! and i couldn’t say d didn’t want me talking since she really didn’t care who knew where she was applying – and i felt it would be petty to say, “well if you won’t tell, i won’t tell” – but i sure felt that way! in general, this mom was “great” at gathering info for her s’s college search, but very poor about sharing that info with others.</p>
<p>"I think any time high school or college kids are in a setting with relatives or adults, including weddings or holiday parties, they are going to be engaged in conversation by well-meaning adults. Typical adult questions: how do you like school, what’s your favorite subject, are you doing any sports, what are your plans for the summer/junior year abroad/internships etc. "</p>
<p>Realize, too, that these questions are preparation for the adult world, where lots of initial conversation involves learning about people’s work. That’s not because most people are trying to be obnoxious or competitive. It’s just that work is such a large part of most people’s life, that it’s a good entry point for a conversation. It’s how people learn about the other person and what they have in common. </p>
<p>That’s also why adults tend to ask teens about school and college/career plans: Those are things that can lead to conversations about things of mutual interest. After all, an adult isn’t likely to know about teen popular culture, so isn’t going to ask the kind of opening conversational questions that another teen would ask.</p>
<p>If one doesn’t want to talk about one’s own college plans, ask the adult how s/he chose a college or chose a career. This also can lead to information that may be helpful as you make your own choices.</p>
<p>Wow, I didn’t realize this was a rude question. As a photographer who takes a lot of senior portraits, I usually ask kids what colleges they are thinking about. They usually rattle off a list and I usually say “can’t go wrong with any of those”. I’m in the midwest though, so not too many kids are applying to Ivy League schools.</p>
<p>I don’t think that it’s a rude question normally, but people can certainly MAKE it rude. I understand that being a high school senior involves a lot of college talk, and if one of my parents’ friends or a photographer or whomever asks me which schools I’m thinking about, I don’t have a problem telling them a few of the schools. However, some people are overly-pushy and will go as far as “well that’s too many reaches!” or “you’re certainly putting strain on your parents’ money with all those application fees” or “that’s sweet that you’re so idealistic.”</p>
<p>And THAT’s rude.</p>