<p>I am posting here because it seems like a good place to start a general discussion (most student boards are chances threads and questions about specific schools.)</p>
<p>As a high school senior, I am going through the application process and one of the most common topics of “small talk” that I encounter is the inevitable question “So, where are you applying to school?” I never used to mind answering this question, but now, I am starting to feel rather uncomfortable with it. I am applying to a number of selective schools and I am always afraid people are judging me negatively as full of myself or whatever. I have carefully thought out my list so I have safeties, matches and a couple of reaches, all of which I really would love to attend. However, I seem to be getting a lot of nasty responses to this question such as “you won’t get into those schools” or “why don’t you pick some safety schools, young lady? You don’t want to be disappointed in April.”<br>
I always try to be polite and get around this question to avoid confrontations like this, but sometimes people will keep pestering me until I name all of the schools to which I am applying. These comments really bother me because I have worked hard and approached this process without looking for prestige or having too-high expectations. I am not expecting all of my schools to welcome me with open arms, but I hate that these people are asking something that is MY business and then judging me because of it. Just today, an adult asked me how my application process was going and I mentioned I had been deferred from my ED school, to which he said “Oh, if you get deferred, that means you probably won’t get in.” I replied with “Well, there’s always a chance. You never know…” and he proceeded to insist that I had no way of getting in. I try to be polite and neutral, so I don’t seem vain, but sometimes it is so hard not to be rude to these people. They have no right to make comments like these. Why even ask the stupid question?</p>
<pre><code>I have also encountered adults who are very rude/nosy with this question, as if they are trying to compare me to their child. I have had parents approach my younger sister (10 years old at the time) to find out my SAT scores and other parents asking me to name where I am applying (when I evade the question they persist) and then they smirk when they hear about some schools or make negative comments.
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<p>Have any of you dealt with experiences such as these when your children were applying? How do I deal with these rude people?</p>
<p>You will be asked similar questions all your life by nosy people. If they don’t like the first answer and continue to pry tell them clearly it’s none of their business, really.</p>
<p>My advice would be to read Miss Manners’ columns for advice on how to deal with pushy questioners in general. Lots of good ideas about techniques, but you have to be stubborn and stick to your strategy.</p>
<p>Not really. We only chatted about college apps with parents of daughter’s very close friends…and only in passing. We did have conversations with her friends as we saw them through senior year. All but one of her friends had very good college lists and were accepted pretty much everywhere they applied with the exception of one or two shots knowingly taken at big reach schools. So our comments were more or long the lines of “that sounds like a great list” (which was true).</p>
<p>The one kid who had a terribly misguided college list took heat from our daughter who repeatedly warned him all fall that his list was insane.</p>
<p>She did have one friend who consistently lied about where she was applying and the results. My daughter figured out early on that she was lying so we simply didn’t discuss colleges with that girl. It was tempting to poke and prod the lies, but we figured that, if she felt the need to lie, we should be compassionate and just leave the subject alone.</p>
<p>You can be polite…just say…“thank you so much for asking. I’ve put a lot of time into my applications and college search and would prefer not to discuss it until after I receive the results of my efforts. I am looking forward to sharing my post high school plans with everyone after May 1.” And then if they don’t take the hint and leave you alone, tell them it’s none of their business.</p>
<p>We didn’t discuss college applications or schools with anyone once the applications had been submitted (DD and DS talked about it with close friends, I’m sure, but not the adults). This came about because we learned that college discussions don’t tend to be totally “honest” conversations. My favorite…a relative who bragged that their child had been “given” $12,000 by Wellesley. They made it sound like the kid had gotten merit aid. Of course, we found out during our own college search that the school doesn’t GIVE merit aid. Thus…no discussions, not even with relatives. DS is applying to grad schools and when asked what he is doing next year, we politely say…“looking at a lot of different options.” End of discussion.</p>
<p>Tell them that “they are so right” and move on. </p>
<p>My D came home from college and related to me this story from a girl she met at school. The girl came to the States to attend high school after her whole family perished in Somalia. When asked about her worse experience in life, she answered: high school. </p>
<p>I’d recommend using my son’s line: “I’m applying to a variety of schools, but I’m not really talking about it until I have made my decision.” Say it with confidence and finality, and then just drop it.</p>
<p>The adults you are describing do not deserve your time. You will have to stand up for your right to privacy and deal with condescending and/or rude adults regularly when you get to college, so it is probably best to practice self-protection procedures now.</p>
<p>I’m a student. I normally just said “Oh, I’m applying to a bunch of places.” If it was someone who seemed particularly interested, I’d answer. A few people mentioned my seeming lack of safeties, but I was a strong applicant and my acceptance at my father’s alma mater was practically ensured given their treatment of legacies. I didn’t really encounter competitive parent types pushing me to tell them specific schools, but something like Midmo’s son’s answer sounds fine. You can just laugh a little and say you don’t want to jinx yourself–there’s no need for you to give out specific schools.</p>
<p>My D was in a similar situation, but she was not applying to many well known schools…and is in fact attending one that many people in our state have never heard of.
I think if you approach the question from a less defensive position you might feel better about it. Instead of feeling put upon, try to accept it as a well meaning (sometimes mis-guided) attempt at small talk.
You can’t change what other people do, but you can chang how you respond. Adults sometimes don’t have a clue what to talk about with teens, and may blather somthing about your future cause they don’t know what else to say.
I like the idea of a vague answer…but don’t feel like every question is coming from a negative place. I ask my D’s friends who are still in high school this question, because I care about them, and know they are headed for great stuff and I just want to share the excitment. Is it mean spirited? No. Nosey? Yes, and I will happily accept a vague answer.</p>
<p>We talk about it all the time. It is a constant and ongoing topic of conversation. Some people divulge all, and then have to live with the questions, “Have you heard anything yet?” and post Dec 15 must deal with the ED deferral/rejected questions, but I certainly respect and appreciate the wisdom of the select few that keep all that information private.</p>
<p>We have a similar-but-opposite situation, similar to what anothermom-w-q mentions. As NJres notes, people here talk about applications all the time, so it’s not feasible to avoid the topic altogether. My older S is at MIT; my younter S is a HS senior applying now, and is not looking at the same “tier” of schools as his older brother. People who know where S#1 is going to school ask where S#2 is applying; if we tell them, they usually register blank stares, either not having heard of most of the schools he’s applying to or somehow thinking they should offer condolences or something, and then try to recover politely and change the subject. I’ve found it really is better to be evasive and tell those who try to pry that he’s applying “to several schools” and that we’re looking forward to him having some choices in April.</p>
<p>Good luck evading the questioners. It can get pretty uncomfortable, for sure.</p>
<p>Realize that in general, people are just making polite small talk when asking the question. They aren’t trying to be obnoxiously nosy or to make you feel uncomfortable.</p>
<p>The answers that others have suggested: “I’m applying to a variety of schools, and prefer not to talk about them until I reach my decision in April” is a courteous way to avoid going into details that you’d rather not share. Only the truly obnoxiously pushy will continue to question you, and for people like that, you can simply state again, “I’d rather not talk about it now,” and change the subject or politely find something to do far away from them.</p>
<p>Just respond that you prefer to keep that information private (info about where you applied). If they pry further just smile and change the subject. Too many people ask this question only as a segue for them to tell you about themselves or to critique your choices, often as a put-down. Every now and then there are some people who are truly interested in you and will treat your response with respect but you probably already know who those people are.</p>
<p>I’m surprised to hear that so many people who ask “the question” come across as nosy or just making small talk. Those of us who frequent CC are, obviously, especially interested in college admissions. I am always interested to know about friends’ and friends’ children’s college choices. Sometimes, if the answer seems ill-considered in some way, I wonder whether I should hold my tongue or speak up. For example, over the years I’ve talked with many people of limited means who apply only to a state college and don’t consider expensive private schools because they don’t realize they’re eligible for generous aid. This is an area our HS guidance counselors should be addressing but often don’t. Also, if I hear a student is applying to a college I have good first-hand information on, I think it’s useful to share. Also, if a student fires off a list of reaches, and no safety (or vice versa), I try to gauge whether they’re open to further discussion – whether I’d try to pursue that discussion would very much depend on context (e.g., does the student have good professional counseling and/or interested and knowledgeable family).
But yeah, devushka, if you’re happy and confident with your choices, and you’re tired of the question, you can gracefully demur.</p>
<p>My son said approximately what midmo’s son said: “I’ll tell you when I decide where I am going, and until then, I would rather not talk about it.” How can anyone suggest a student not be defensive about this? It does seem intrusive - and offensive - when people feel they have the right to inquire about this - which can be very sensitive - and people do make comparisons and judgements. It is NOT anyone’s business. After my son was accepted at a school no one (including his guidance counselor) thought he would get into, he announced where he was heading. My daughter applied ED and not until she was accepted did she share that she was applying ED. I have had MANY parents say that they feel our kids were well served with this approach. I absolutely do not ask high school kids or their parents unsolicited questions about college applications. It is a hard enough time for them.</p>
<p>Asked my S about this. He said no one (other than close friends) ever asked him. Low expectations, I guess. </p>
<p>When meeting other parents who are friends I usually leave it simply to “How are you weathering the application process?” I try to be empathetic, if a friend wants to talk about they will, if not they won’t. Many are surprised to find there is a shared agony.</p>
<p>A variation on midmo’s strategy:“I’ve applied to a bunch of schools but I’d rather not say which for fear of jinxing my admissions prospects. I’ll let you know in April when I hear back.”</p>
<p>In a few days, it will be too late anyway for second-guessing your choices. Good luck!</p>
<p>DD and I found a diversion strategy worked the best. The answer to “where are you applying?” was always something about geography (eg, “I’m really focusing on the Northeast” with a long explanation of why that was right for her). Then she’d wax poetic about a school that she’d visited that she had no intention of applying to. By the end of the monologue, the less savvy had lost interest and the more savvy realized that she wasn’t planning to answer their question.</p>
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