I would be extremely concerned about MIL’s liability for costs as Bob’s legal wife, that are immaterial to “each party retains their own premarital assets.”
Social Security would be another item to consider. MIL, by legally marrying Bob, would likely have her benefits changed (as would he).
If she’s hellbent on marrying Bob, I’d feel a lot more comfortable if she stuck with a “social” wedding ceremony (and would/could socially refer to him as her husband) but they did not legally marry.
She wouldn’t be the first person to do that, especially when SSN benefits and personal liabilities will be affected.
And she wouldn’t be the first person (nor the last) to decide that the key benefit to marriage is the pomp and circumstance- and NOT taking on his debts or being sued if he cracks up his car and mows down an entire kindergarten class waiting to cross the street.
I think we can all suggest and agree that this is a bad idea. That there are other solutions and reasonable alternatives.
Mil seems to have decided what she’s doing, it doesn’t seem that she’s listening to reason. In fact it seems that she’s being secretive about what she is doing and when. Mostly because she’s going to do what she wants and she doesn’t want to listen
Right now, I’m here to offer support and I know that @Hoggirl, her husband and all the other family members are smart people who know what they need to do. Hugs!
We had something sort of similar with my grandfather. When my grandmother passed, he moved in with his older sister and eventually met and married a friend of hers who lived in the same complex. (She wasn’t that great a friend, and I think the sister was actually kind of sorry she introduced them. Nothing really problematic – just a very different personality than most of the rest of the family). But they seemed blissfully happy. Had a fairly large wedding at a banquet hall with both sets of extended families – probably about 60 people or so.
There was a big disparity in wealth (she was much wealthier) and they at one point bought a condo together and furnished it. I think they did it as right of survivorship, and they both expected that he would outlive her based on their current medical situations.
That’s not what happened, as shortly afterwards he was diagnosed with an unexpected cancer and passed shortly after the diagnosis. Her kids got his investment in the condo and furnishings, although he did have a small estate that he left to my mother and myself.
Not sure if there’s anything your MIL can do to protect herself from something like this, as I assume it’s not what she would want. But things can turn out differently than expected.
Another random thought… she can buy in at the minimum amount and get her own studio “her place” … but spend all of her time at his place … without legally marrying. I know at my parents’ CCRC there was a couple that had a blessing by the minister and a reception, but didn’t want to legally marry for tax, estate, and SS purposes. They were viewed as ‘married’ by everyone there.
Might not be the answer, but just thinking of alternatives.
I brought this up because I am one of those children who ended up on the wrong side of this - after a marriage of less than one year, no less! The financial and legal bit was awful, but the damage it did to my ability to trust – far worse! And all in the wake of losing a parent. I would never have guessed that this was what this wife, a widow with children of her own - was up to, but there you are!
A friend of mine went through a scenario where dad married someone late in life (not too long after spouse of “forever” died), and the new wife (and her extended family) wound up with most of the money. I think they were pretty bitter, but nothing they could do.
A woman I know lost her H later in life. She and a friend from church commiserated as he had lost his wife. After a courtship, they married. His family wasn’t thrilled—not sure what hers thought. A few years later he died and I believe left everything to 2nd wife. His kids were even more unhappy. she lived several more years until she finally got rather severe dementia and her kids insisted she go to AL and stop driving around the US alone to visit them. She died shortly after moving into AL. Shortly before she died, I called her. She had no memory of me nor ever living in KY, where she had lived and raised her kids.
But then there are happy stories. In their mid 70’s, two widowed folks we know met. They married and have one terrific blended family. One of them sold the family home (and much of the contents) and relocated about 1 1/2 hours away. They are very happy, as are their families.
As I said earlier, to me it’s clear that MIL isn’t looking for guidance on any front about what to do here. Any info gathered on the situation seems to not be her asking for advice, just without too much detail sharing what she/they plan to do.
Because of that, I don’t think I’d tiptoe around her anymore. I’d just report the facts (like she is!) with some dose of opinion backed by fact. Being frank about finances or living quarters or whatever doesn’t have to be a threat or undermining her thoughts but I wouldn’t pussyfoot around at this point any longer.
Now that we have the info re: her intentions, he will be more direct. I think he’s been fairly direct - just not as critical/emotional as sil.
He is pretty unhappy that she has not called him to tell him since she told his sister on Friday. I definitely think it was kind of brow beaten out of mil, but nevertheless, if she told his sister (even reluctantly), she should have informed him as well, IMO.
Since MIL likes to be catered to, and so does he, I see unhappiness and fights in the future. My MIL gets really nasty with her 4th husband now that she has to take care of him. She also acted like the gaggy teenager when they were first together, stroking his hair and eye rolling stuff like that.
We are assuming she would have the right of first refusal as his wife, but we don’t know. Also assuming she’d have to pay the differential between the buy-in amount for the studio (what she has to pay to move in now) and whatever the buy-in for a home would be at the time he predeceased her.
