Oh Wise Parents... How do I deal?

anovice · April 27, 2005, 11:58am

I'm a student... post and lurk here occasionally... kind of fun to find out what the "other side" is thinking.. LOL!

Anyways, I've been accepted everywhere I could ever want but didn't get the money I needed to go to most places. I've decided on University of Delaware(in my mind, haven't sent in the papers yet... seems too final) but I am feeling really angry and bitter towards my parents. When I laid out all my acceptances on the table(10), we first took away the places where I got little to no money (2... 2 of my top 3), then the ones still above $20K (5) and was left with three schools which I was to consider. All were big universities, all were low on my list.

We as a family visited each of these schools and rather than convincing my parents that maybe a smaller school would be worth it, they were more convinced that any of those three schools would provide not only a good education but a great education. So... I picked from the lesser of all evils and chose Delaware. It's a nice school, great location, too big, bad dorms, great engineering department with great faculty, really poor big party school rep, great study abroad program... But when people ask where I'm going I feel so horrible having to say Delaware... I just don't want to go there! All my friends are accepting at big name schools and today when I was talking with a friend of mine she revealed she was going to U of Chicago I really lost it. Her parents took a similar stance as mine and she had accepted at a school that gave her a full ride but then her parents gave in and told her to "go with her dreams" (I know... sounds so pathetic) and she accepted at Chicago. The whole situation made me so peeved at my parents and angry at myself that I didn't stand up to them.

So, how do I deal with this? I went to talk with my counselor(outside of school) and all he could say was how great it was that I got so many scholarships at great schools and how proud I should be that I was accepted... all this talk makes me even more mad because I was accepted at all these great schools but CAN'T GO because my parents aren't willing to pay and are not approving of me taking out large loans, etc. I know it's not worth breaking apart the family over this but there are days when I think it might be.

All in all I'm really depressed about college yet I got into some great colleges. I wish I had been rejected at the schools where I didn't get any money because it would have been so much easier to cope. As I sit and type this little post I look around at the mere $20K in electronics in the room and I wonder... now, why is it that I'm not able to go to a better suited school?!?! But, of course, I do not deserve anything(trust me I've been told this many times) and that ANY college that they pay for is above and beyond their responsibilities.... right...

So, any of YOUR children have these same problems?

Any fellow student lurkers(you know who you are!) feeling like I am?

thanks....

Hanna · April 27, 2005, 12:16pm

I'm really sorry your parents dug in their heels this way. There's no fairness involved in whether you are born to parents who do or do not think that top schools are worth the money. While your parents are right that they have no LEGAL obligation to help you pay for college, you do not have to agree with their perspective on the issue. You do have to make the best of your situation, and find a way to make a good life for yourself at UDel, but that doesn't mean that you have to be glad that this happened. You're entitled to your feelings.

This feeling, on the other hand, you should try to get over as quickly as possible. The people who'd be impressed if you said "Chicago" instead of "Delaware" will not be there to help you pay back $80,000 in loans four years from now. YOU know that you're smart and a good student. You can't let other people's stereotypes about you compromise that.

citygirlsmom · April 27, 2005, 12:26pm

Hanna is right. Nothing wrong with saying Delaware. Remember, there are some kids who won't be going anywhere at all, but not because of choice. Stand proud. Say it was a tough choice, but when you considered everything, finances (when you say this, people will get it), programs, etc, you chose Delaware. You will find your niche there. You will do well. Say you are really excited about their engineering program. And talk about the positives. Th study abroad program.

It seems right now that everyone is focused on where everyone is going to college. And that is true, but when they ask, the answer sticks in their head about 2 minutes. Then they move on.

Be proud. Let go. Take a deep breath. Plan your future.

zagat · April 27, 2005, 12:27pm

Anovice, it's a given that kids usually need to go where there parents can afford to send them.

You, however, mention eliminating schools in the $20K range if I read this right. How much is Deleware going to cost your parents?

At 18 you are an adult and may assume loans if you so choose. I don't think anyone here would advise you to take out huge amounts, but if what your parents are willing to pay combined with your taking loans you feel you can manage add up (and do work the numbers to see what payments will be) maybe you can convince your parents it's the right approach.

This is your life. You now get to live by your values. If something you really want is within reach, go for it!

CC_Admin · April 27, 2005, 12:39pm

I agree with Zagat. I took out my own loans for undergraduate school and med school...and paid them off. I know they look like a lot, but they do get paid off. Another consideration would be to defer attending for a year, move out to make some money, then reapply for financial aid as independent.

chocoholic · April 27, 2005, 12:40pm

Lots of students and parents have to make tough choices. You can get accepted at fabulous schools with no merit or need based aid. Or you could accepted at pretty good schools, or average schools that cost less, or give you more money.
Or you could be in that sad group that literally did not get in anywhere.

Be glad that there were some choices at least for you.You make your own happiness and success, no matter where you go. There's always the great grad schools out there, that you can start saving for now.

anovice · April 27, 2005, 12:41pm

zagat... Delware will cost me just over 10K(incl room/board) because of significant scholarships. Also, I'm 16 so legally no loans available for me. Plus, if I took out a loan and went to a different school I know they'd never approve and would hold a grudge against me... just not worth it.

Thanks for the words of wisdom and I know that I will get over my disappointment soon enough but today as I'm sending in all my little cards telling them thanks for the offer but I'm going somewhere else, I feel really horrible and as usual, bitter.

I'm going on a trip with a bunch of friends this weekend(some of whom aren't even going to college) so maybe it'll cheer me up a bit. Thanks.

aroundthecorner · April 27, 2005, 12:54pm

(Fellow student lurker.. :|)

anovice, I remember you. You applied to most of my schools. Congrats on getting in!

I'll be going to Clark University. Look on the bright side, at least no one would say to YOU "huh? what? where's that?" ;)

Don't be bitter. Enjoy Delaware. It's BEAUTIFUL there! If it's truly horrible, save up money, and transfer when you can. But really, I think you'll most likely find your niche and enjoy getting through college without any debt! I have co-workers who are still paying off their student loans.

And pish, to names! PISH!

chloe · April 27, 2005, 12:56pm

Anovice,
Research honors college prospects; you'll get private college ratios and be assured quality classmates. You could work hard and get an assistantship to a more prestigious grad school where you would then experience the private school culture, except they'd be paying you instead of the other way around.

I was in your shoes 30 years ago, and was disappointed to have no option other than to attend the local commuter college. Then I went to Vandy for grad and experienced the other side. I also saved enough money to lend to a friend who needed tuition money for his grad school! (By the way, I loved my undergrad school after I got there).

anovice · April 27, 2005, 1:26pm

chloe... I have been accepted at honors but from my discussions with engineering faculty and other engineering students it is not common to stick with the honors program. I see why too... in this major most of the honors courses are just normal lecture style which meet in small honors groups afterwards for discussion and extra assignments. If I going to put in the extra effort why not put it towards a second major or a graduate degree or an internship...

For now I am signed up for honors but will evaluate the options once I get there.

thanks!

heidi · April 27, 2005, 1:36pm

anovice, could you offer to pay them back the amount needed to go to the 20K choices?

cheers · April 27, 2005, 1:41pm

<ol>
<li>You can knock the socks off of Delaware and transfer.</li>
<li>You can postpone your start and look for better merit packages. (Read any of nopoisonivy's stories?)</li>
<li>You can take out loans. Callthe Fin Aid office to discuss.</li>
<li>You can plan to do two years at more expensive U, take a year off and take out loans for junior and senior year.</li>
</ol>

It is not easy tofind sympathy for a 16 year old who simply wants MORE of what the parents are already offering. My parents refused to pay for my private uni e3ven though they promised they would.

Big deal. I made the decision to support my expensive choices with my own wallet. If that's what you want, you can make the same decision.

Poog · April 27, 2005, 2:03pm

Where else did you get accepted? Which ones gave you aid? Which were your top choices? I feel really bad for you. My mom basically said that $20,000 and under for tuition is pretty much what she wants to spend, but the budget could be stretched if I get into a good school that is more expensive. I'm still a Junior, but as of now, my 2 most expensive school choices both cost $22,000 a year for tuition, and they are right in the middle of my list.

zagat · April 27, 2005, 2:11pm

Why oh why are you going to college at 16? The kids I've seen do this have suffered socially. You have a great opportunity to take college classes and work to save money for a school you really want. Or volunteer and go to college when you're able to assume your own loans.

There is something about a 16 year old going off to college feeling "bitter" that truly worries me.

anovice · April 27, 2005, 4:07pm

cheers... I appreciate the words of wisdom and blunt comments. To be honest, if I really wanted to attend a higher cost school, I could take out loans and survive. But do I really want to go against my parents wishes and create a bad vibe between us? No... just not worth it. My frustration is not that they won't pay for a more expensive school but in that they won't support my ideas and aren't open to other options.

Poog... don't worry. I applied to schools with the idea that my parents would pay for anything because that's what they had said. Turns out that they are not willing to pay what I was expecting and this is where my situation turned. Also, when I say "schools under 20K" I am speaking of schools costing under 20K with tuition AND room and board. Most of my schools came down to around or below $20,000 for just tuition and if you are a bright student you'll have no problem finding scholarships and merit money.

zagat... I started school early(waaay back in pre-k) then skipped 2nd grade. I've grown up as a normal kid in my grade but have just been a little young on paper. I don't see this as a limiting factor at all. I have taken many college courses already, traveled around the world with various study abroad programs, held down a job working 12-16hrs a week during school and summer, participated in multiple varsity sports, been elected for state wide leadership positions and still managed to stay at the top of my class. I'd say I am more prepared for college than MANY kids going to college these days. What truely worries you about this 16 year old going off to college bitter about college because her parents aren't willing to support her in what she believes will truely make her happy? ... I appreciate your honesty and realize that I probably do sound like a spoiled brat but I really am not. I created this thread because I am frustrated and needed to vent... and this is what I'm doing.

Thank you to all.

bluejay · April 27, 2005, 7:34pm

It is unfortunate that you are so unhappy with your outcome. It's also unfortunate that your parents didn't sit down right from the beginning and say , "The most we can pay is x amount of dollars." Sometimes it starts out that way but ends up that after the acceptances roll in parents say, "You must attend the least expensive school." Not sure what your exact situation is. You mentioned that you were most upset that your parents weren't willing to listen to your ideas. Have you tried coming up with a specific list with tangible reasons why school A is better for you than Delaware? Or as you say better suited for you. You must have had some discussions about this beforehand. If you applied to 10 schools then somebody paid upwards of $500 for those applications and visits. Many parents are willing, if able, to pay the amount that a state school would charge and then if their son/daughter wants to, they pay the difference. I do agree with the other suggestions that maybe a year off to earn some money might not be a bad idea. Yes, you've had more experiences than other 16 year old but you're still 16 not matter how you slice it. On a more personal level a family member attends Delaware and couldn't be happier. Lots of great experiences, classes, friends, professors, and opportunities. And oh yeah, not much debt. You didn't say what other schools you were accepted to or what profile is but surely you are a capable student and person who knows how to take advantage of things around you.

Northstarmom · April 27, 2005, 7:39pm

Since you're only 16, you actually have nothing to lose by taking a year or two off, working, saving your $ and then going to the college that you really want to go to.

Going to college isn't a race to see who finishes first. A year or two off from school is not going to hurt you. In fact, you could learn even more about yourself and the world and that would help you take more advantage of your college experience.

Since attending U Del isn't a satisfactory solution for you, then take time off. You have more options than you're noticing.

zagat · April 27, 2005, 8:20pm

I did not at all mean to imply you were a spoiled brat. I was trying to communicate that I think there are many implications to going to a college you're not excited about when you can have other choices by taking a different path. Bitterness is something I would very much hate to see my daughter approach college with.

At 16 it may be hard for you to understand that as you become an adult, you should live by your values to the degree it is appropriate. It is OK to say to your parents that you see education differently and are willing to personally do what it takes to fulfill your educational dreams. There may be some temporary friction, but in my experience, they will come around and realize that their adult offspring need to make their own choices.

While I appreciate that you have achieved a great deal, I really wonder why a 16 year old would head off to a college she's not excited about rather than doing some of the amazing things available allowing you time to develop a new strategy to attend a school that excites you. And really, the most mature child will find social differences being two years younger in college than most of her classmates.

As Northstarmom says, this is not a race. You only get one chance to go to college. Think about taking your time and getting it right.

thumper1 · April 27, 2005, 8:47pm

Anovice...help me out here....on another thread somewhere you said you had been accepted to U of Maryland as an instate student, and had been accepted to U of South Carolina with scholarship (that made it mighty inexpensive). At the time of those posts you were pretty pleased about those two schools. U of Delaware is nice too. Why are you now not pleased with these choices which seem mighty fine to me (as a parent)?

my-3-sons · April 27, 2005, 8:54pm

anovice-
You and my S applied to several of the same schools, therefore I have been able to follow your college process progress this year on the various boards. You have always been one of my favorite posters for your thoughtful, genuine posts. I even nominated you for the parent's group hug last week.

I do agree that your top choices seemed to have everything you were looking for. I know that you wanted a smaller private school and that UDel was not your first choice, but I do think it is a great choice for you. Of the 3 schools, I thought UDel was the best fit. The honors program is the perfect way to bring this school down to the size you want. As time goes on, you will grow and the school will seem to shrink. I know you probably don't want to hear this, but at 16 I also like the idea of you being a little closer to home.

Have one last open, honest discussion with your parents. Calmly explain to them what your goals are and state your aguments for your top choices. List the possible ways to make this happen (parents pay, loans, gap year to earn $). Then listen, really listen to their response and make your final decision.

It's okay to have these feelings while going through the process, but once your choice is made-no more looking back. There are too many great opportunities in front of you. Don't miss them because you are facing the wrong direction.

You are one of our most successful college applicants on CC this year. Thoughtful and hardworking, 10/10 in admissions, merit$ and honor colleges recognitions. WOW! Be proud. You are going to be successful wherever you go. The right attitude makes all the difference.