<p>I have a very non-communicative child. I worry about what’s going on in that head - this kid tells me nothing. Sometimes I feel that D is depressed but just won’t open up to me. so sometimes I snoop - I don’t feel good about this but I feel I have need to know what’s going in w/ her. So I found some conversations saved from chats w/ friends that I’m worried about. Instead of berating me for snooping - I’d really appreciate suggestions from other parents who have been in my situation. I thought D was nice innocent girl…now I’m not so sure…</p>
<p>This is the time for you to examine your feelings about her innocence.</p>
<p>Were you innocent at that age? </p>
<p>Did you make a decision to lose your innocence? Do you think she has too?</p>
<p>Are you saying she isn’t nice becasue she isn’t innocent?</p>
<p>Do you love her less because she isn’t innocent?</p>
<p>Now that you know she isn’t innocent, doesn’t it allow you to have a more authentic relationship? Doesn’t it allow youto address critical issues in a more forthright manner?</p>
<p>Is it possible that she doesn’t talk to you because you are too attached to the idea of her innocence? Just asking.</p>
<p>So many parents are in denial about the ‘innocence’ of their children when they themselves were not so innocent teenagers. </p>
<p>I think you have a great opportunity to build a more authentic relationship. This is your D, a precious precious gift. </p>
<p>What was the saying? Love the child you have–not the one you WISH you had.</p>
<p>When I snopped when my D was in 10th grade, I found a few “health or safety issues.” (Vagueness is deliberate here. Details will not be forthcoming.) IMHO, if it’s a health or safety issue, it’s not snooping and it’s not tattling.</p>
<p>I admitted to the snooping and helped her find some answers to the health and safety issues. I pointed that that, as a parent, her health and safety has to come first and foremost. In the end, things are much better for her–and I don’t regret snooping a bit.</p>
<p>Ummm, been there done that…if you saw something that would infer that someone was in danger, was going to do something really reallly bad or stupid, you would need to say something right away…</p>
<p>But something I have learned to do, when I hear something, or feel something, or just want to bring up a subject without giving D excuse to tune me out, I talk in the “hypothetical”- I say an old friend called and their kid is going through such and such, (something similar to what you discovered- but not exactly -wink)…Or talk about a lifetime movie I just watched, (there is always one that is close!!), or engage younger sibling in Life Lesson chat in car with D in ear shot, but without necessarily asking for advice, etc. </p>
<p>Or have tell a story about someones neice at work and the dire consequences that happened. </p>
<p>Sometimes approaching a touchy subject but not say YOU will start some interesting conversations. You may not hear details about Ds life, but you will hear where D is coming from and will let you know from responses if you should be worried. </p>
<p>How old is D…or grade…</p>
<p>Depression is very common and can be a bit scary as parents to think about. </p>
<p>One thing that is extra important. Be sure and do things where you don’t ask questions. Sometimes just have dinner with no prying. I know it is hard, but if D sees that what she thinks (remember in the teen mind) is an inquisition, they will get defensive and shut down before anything is even said. So sometimes just gab. Talk about fashion. Talk about the dog. Talk about your idiot boss. Ask her what you should do about something. Ask her advice. It is amazing how that can shift a relationship. </p>
<p>Good luck. And don’t feel too bad. We sometimes do what we do to protect our child. And sometimes there are signs that we see where we need to trust our guts.</p>
<p>First off, whatever your snooping has uncovered may not actually have any basis in fact. It may just be kids trying to be “cool” to impress each other. But let’s say (hypothetically) that your snooping has yielded evidence that your daughter has had sex or used drugs. Even if you did not previously suspect that, it is always appropriate to talk about. You could say that you read an article in (insert newsrag here) or on the internet stating that X percent of high school students have had sex (or used drugs) by age Y. Ask if your daughter thinks that would apply to her school. Talk about your expectations, and how you would respond to different possible scenarios.</p>
<p>Thanks for all of your advice and guidance…but a surprising twist…as posted on another thread on this forum. <a href=“http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/showthread.php?t=58881[/url]”>http://talk.collegeconfidential.com/showthread.php?t=58881</a>
D’s best friend was out drinking with other friends and D is really upset and friend. It must be a huge deal for my daughter because she shares nothing with me and for her to come to me in tears is quite something. I really am at a loss for how to console and comfort her. Need advice from those who have been there before me!</p>
<p>You could ask a counselor at school or church if there are any organizations or activities relevant to your concerns. Parents need to attempt communcation with their children more, kids will not always volunteer what is evermost on their mind.</p>