<p>I am sooooo not the one to offer unsolicited advise on such a sensitive topic. </p>
<p>But it is after midnight, I cannot sleep and I have some experience with this…sooooo, let me just say I am not sure that having dinner would do anything except encourage further contact. And I don’t believe you or your husband need that.</p>
<p>The best way to keep old BF “old” is to not treat him or his intrusion as a welcome addition to your current life. He has feelings for you, no doubt, so the kindest thing is to make as clean a cut as possible and discourage further contact.</p>
<p>I meet old girlfriends for dinner…never old boyfriends. I cannot afford to play with fire and get burned. Love my hubby and my life too much.</p>
<p>Good advice, kelijake. I am completely uninterested in him; so no danger of fire at all, not even a spark. He did spend a lot of time at our house in high school; my mom would like to see him again, I think. (But she is not very trustworthy in this regard as she is big buddies with my ex-husband and it’s been a problem. She’s a meddler. And here’s an interesting wrinkle: her old college BF came back looking for her; they got together, divorced their spouses, and were married for 25 years until his death. Now I am thinking we don’t need to be having any reunion dinner…) </p>
<p>I am interested in all advice on this situation because it is so weird! My D said it is “completely bizarre.”</p>
<p>Oh my Lord, your mom sounds like the last person whose advise I would take seriously. (I will add she sounds a little like mine…my mom once told me that the best way to be motivated to lose weight would be to have an affair!!)</p>
<p>If I want something, I try to do what winners have done to get there. For example, if I want a long-lasting marriage, I do what others in long-lasting marriages have done. (My parents divorced when I was very young, so I do not seek their guidance on this topic).</p>
<p>No person who has been married a long time has ever suggested to me that meeting an old boyfriend to be an ideal way to nurture and sustain a commited relationship with my husband. Quite the opposite. At best, it encourages contact from an old fling you were doing fine without.</p>
<p>At worse, it leads to more contact and more old feelings and before you know it, you are rationalizing doing stuff you would have never thought about before his sudden reappearance.</p>
<p>I read once that any contact with old BFs/GFs should be as FAMILY friends. You and your spouse can be friends with the other couple, in other words. (Casual friends, not best buddies.) My sister and her H are friends with one of her ex-BFs and his ex-fiancee, seeing them occasionally when they visit their towns. I think that’s OK if it works for everyone. But I don’t know if this is the same thing.</p>
<p>^^^
I think those are rare circumstances where everyone agrees to it. But your husband would have no reason to want to suddenly be mutual buddied with a love interest of yours from so long ago, as he stated regarding dinner plans. </p>
<p>If a former boyfriend had ever had romantic feelings, one can act friendly on the surface but in my opinion lurking under the surface is the crazy notion that what once was can be again…
Don’t know if that makes sense. I am typing this on my smartphone in the dark and started to get sleepy…Finally!!</p>
<p>He flew out without notification because he knew you probably would have said no. I think there must be a reason he wanted to see you after so many years, such as recently divorced/widowed or maybe he is sick, none of it is really any of concern to you. But if you know he is a normal person (not creepy), I don’t think it would hurt to just meet him for coffee at a public place. Of course, I would make sure your H is fine with it.</p>
<p>I am still in touch with my BF from HS – on FB, an occasional email. He’s got serious health issues right now and I am interested in how he’s doing. That said, it is completely known that I am married and Not Interested in him.</p>
<p>If someone showed up at my doorstep unannounced after 30 years, I would be totally weirded out. Something is wrong with this picture.</p>
<p>Am I the only one that would have wanted to see the old BF out of curiosity? My husband would have called me and told me that the BF was there. Unless it was the one that turned creepy, I would have gone home so we all could have caught up together.</p>
<p>Wow. All that effort to randomly arrive at the house of an old girlfriend unannounced? Maybe it’s my clinical background here, but that is the kind of thing some people only do during an “episode” of some type or other. Your husband was beyond polite; I wonder if there were any other indications of this man being off-kilter. I would in no way follow up on this contact myself, simply because of the context.</p>
<p>Doesn’t matter if he was your long lost brother - showing up on your doorstep, unannounced, from all that distance away is more than strange. But there really are airline promotions going on right now! We always had elite status on an airline that has tightened its policies this year. Just got an invitation - take a trip of at least 1500 miles by early December to get back our status through 2013. It definitely pays if you travel enough.</p>
<p>Wow, bookiemom, your H is amazing. I am sure that Mr B would have thrown my (one and only other) old BF off the front porch under these circumstances. You do not owe the guy anything, not even a dinner or a lunch meeting. And I would definitely keep mom out of the loop based on what you said about her. If you think you do not need any reunion dinners, you really don’t - trust your gut feelings.</p>
<p>This guy is creepy. I had a similar situation this summer with someone from high school I hadn’t seen in decades. He was always the “nice guy” who all the girls felt safe with, so I didn’t have any reason to distrust his motives. I guess a lot can happen in 30 years. Because of him and his inappropriate advances I didn’t even go to my reunion last month.</p>
<p>What did H report about his dress, demeanor, etc? Did he appear visibly disappointed when you weren’t there? </p>
<p>I agree, odd that he didn’t email or FB or LInkedIn first. If anything you’d think he’d want to feel out the situation (maybe you were divorced, receptive, etc).</p>
<p>re post #18 - if the guy is ‘creepy’ I would NOT be happy that he knows your D is in the same city. While it might be an unlikely scenario, to err on the side of caution, I would explain the situation to her in case he tries to contact her.</p>
<p>One of my grandmother’s male friends was so proud that he was going off to surprise an old gf. Harmless, just in a phase of life where he thought more of his own plans and excitement than how the other would react. He had a huge RV, was going to drive across country and figured he could park it in her neighborhood. He wasn’t a catch. He would have done what your friend did- hung around. I did try to suggest he should send a letter first, but he was so full of the good memories and assumed she’d be thrilled he made the effort. Never heard how it turned out.</p>
Google yourself and if your name ( especially if maiden name is not a common one), you’d be shocked how easy it is to find out a lot about someone. Google news archives sometimes has wedding announcements or property purchases and an hour on the computer can tell you plenty about someone…Pretty scary considering what is available to anyone even moderately computer savvy. Those with access to data-mining technology can get even more information.
Edit- Depending no your privacy settings on Facebook, much of that shows up on Google making it more readily accessible.</p>