<p>There are free websites that include family members, including parents and siblings - anyone who once lived at the same address as you. Even if you have a relatively common maiden or married name, it makes it all too easy to find someone.</p>
<p>I have an old BF from college that I kept in touch with for 15 years, long after I was married. We exchanged Christmas cards and maybe a phone call once a year. I think we only saw each other once or twice in all that time. Then contact kind of tapered off. I think he got married. I occasionally look for him on Google/Facebook because he was a dear friend. He has quite a common name, so the only thing I could learn was that he now lives in his parents’ home (they are both deceased). </p>
<p>Last spring, a favorite college professor whom we both admired passed away. He was a mentor for me. I wanted to talk to someone who knew him, so I called old BF. Left a message on the answering machine. I never heard back. That’s ok. His W might not be as understanding as my H, or there may be some other reason. It’s his choice. But I would never show up on his doorstep unannounced. </p>
<p>However, I also think it’s a bit different that not hearing from someone since a break up and 30 years later, getting a visit. That’s kind of creepy. However, I don’t think it’s completely crazy. When you get older and people close to us pass away, it can make you want to revisit the past.</p>
<p>A few years ago someone I dated off and on during high school and college, when I wasn’t involved in a more serious relationship, contacted me by email. I have no idea where he got my email. I have almost zero internet presence, only in public records and not much there. He is in a tech field, very successful. Maybe he can find out anyone’s email address. The thought was a little disturbing. The email was just “thinking of you and wanting to catch up”. Both of us are a very long way, geographically and culturally, from where we grew up. It may have just been nostalgia. However, the email made no illusion to his wife and children (I could see them with a simple google search) or ask about my husband and children. I kind of lost touch with him originally when I became serious about my husband 30+ years ago. After considering the matter for a few days, I decided not to respond and not to bother mentioning it to my husband. No further attempts at contact from him, or I would have told my husband.</p>
<p>It did make me consider going to a HS reunion in the future. I haven’t made one yet but it might be interesting. I understand the 10 year reunion resulted in one divorce/remarriage and the 20 year a few more. Maybe by our 40 or 50th everyone will be settled down finally! probably not:)</p>
<p>obviously an old bf seeking one out is a little flattering;)</p>
<p>I must be the odd one out: I’m “friends” with a few old BF’s on FB, and I’m pretty sure that DH is “friends” with at least one old GF on FB. DH is also “friends” with one of my old BF’s 'cause we all hung out in college.</p>
<p>Now someone showing up at the door unannounced? That’s a little off putting. Given all the ways to contact people electronically now, I would think if he could find your address he should have been able to email/FB/LinkedIn you first to see what the response would be. Your DH handled the situation very diplomatically.</p>
<p>One of you should “investigate” him and learn as much information as you can. If he is unstable then you have cause for alarm. My hunches are either he is divorced, or he may have a terminal illness and wanted to mend fences with you.</p>
<p>
[quote]
elite status on an airline that has tightened its policies this year. Just got an invitation - take a trip of at least 1500 miles by early December to get back our status through 2013. It definitely pays if you travel enough.<a href=“A%20little%20off%20topic”>/quote</a>
Roshke:
The OP said this guy incurred a couple of flights, a rental car, and a hotel stay to do this. Is it really worth spending the money (and maybe miles for the rental car/hotel) to get elite status? Isn’t that self-defeating? What’s the advantage? Also, a fair number of people in elite status, possibly even this guy, don’t need to take private trips because they’re traveling plenty for work but that’s a different point. I think that was just an excuse on his part to trivialize the travel portion since he knew it was pretty strange for an old BF to do something like he did.</p>
<p>Weird. Agree the better way to make contact would have been to do so electronically or via snail mail. Finding one’s contact information isn’t that difficult–very few secrets left in the world in which we live.</p>
<p>I keep thinking of the steps to recovery. Not sure what it’s actually called (?). Isn’t it one of those step thingies? You know–making amends to those who you’ve wronged in the past, so you can get on with recovery. Could that be the case here?</p>
<p>^The 12 step process?</p>
<p>It’s possible Beil, but I would hope that those working the steps aren’t always so self absorbed that they disregard good manners.
Writing a letter would have been more appropriate.</p>
<p>Wow, did this bring back a memory. About seven years ago, an old boyfriend of mine dropped in on my parents out of the blue. He lived half a country away and had no real reason foe being in the area. I was completely freaked out but my parents couldn’t understand why. Luckily, they did not give him any info, but they sure thought I was nuts. Still creeps me out…</p>
<p>I think that at a certain age many of us (especially those with regrets) want to go back to a time where we were happier, young, and/or at the beginning of life or a time when we had more choices. Or…he may be at the end of his life and wants to tie up loose ends.</p>
<p>Your husband is a class act. You are a class act, which is possibly why he contacted you.</p>
<p>Its definitely weird but I’m with kathiep. My DH would have called me and I would have come home if possible. I don’t think he would have been hesitant to let the guy in and talk to him. He’s a pretty secure guy with nothing to prove.</p>
<p>Regarding the 12-step program of recovery. Step Nine: “Made direct amends to such people wherever possible except when to do so would injure them or others.”</p>
<p>Any 12-step sponsor worth his or her salt would not recommend just showing up on the doorsteps of someone over a reported amends. </p>
<p>Why? Because it might create emotional or physical injury for a man to show up to a woman’s house like that unannounced–what if OP’s husband had not been so understanding??? Far-fetched, but it could happen and HAS happened…</p>
<p>The purpose of the amends is to make things right for all parties involved, but not at the risk of creating further harm.</p>
<p>I’m just saying.</p>
<p>What I don’t understand is why he didn’t ask when you would be home, and then come back to see you at that point. It seems strange that he was willing to fly, drive, and stay in a hotel, just to see you, but then was satisfied with only meeting your husband.</p>
<p>I would be very careful moving forward.</p>
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<p>lots of praises for hubby, but from the above, was he aware he was an X?</p>
<p>I would be deeply uncomfortable about an ex-boyfriend, even a friend with whom I’d lost touch, spontaneously appearing on my doorstep without phoning first to see if he’d be welcome. If I realized that he actually flew out to see me, made hotel reservations, etc., all without advance contact and another reason to be in the area, I’d be even more uncomfortable. Garrison Keillor tells a very funny tale based on this scenario, but I wouldn’t find it funny if it happened to me.</p>
<p>I like a heads-up if someone wants to stop by. If one of dh’s old girlfriends showed up without phoning first, there’s a pretty good chance I wouldn’t even have opened the door, because I pretend not to be home if I don’t recognize the person standing on my doorstep. Phoning first is Good Manners 101. An old friend might know he/she would always be welcome. An old romantic interest should not necessarily make that same assumption.</p>
<p>Joining the chorus of kudos for bookiemom’s dh, though. What a cool guy.</p>
<p>^^^
FlyMeToTheMoon—for such an interesting username, you are very grounded in your thinking, and FWIW, I agree with you wholeheartedly.</p>
<p>Have any of you read or seen “High Fidelity”? </p>
<p>In it, the protagonist is going through a midlife crisis and revisits past relationships to try to figure out why they failed, and learn something about himself.</p>
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<p>If the initial overture was just wanting to catch up, perhaps that’s all he wanted to do. With e-mail and FB, it’s very non threatening. Perhaps future correspondence would include details about the wife and kids and questions about yours. Or maybe he just wanted to rub his success in your face. :D</p>
<p>I do agree that showing up unannounced on the OP’s doorstep was way, way, way over the top and brazen behavior.</p>
<p>audiophile–I LOVE High Fidelity and I’ve had a secret crush on the actor John Cusack for longer than I care to remember. </p>
<p>But, to be honest, the one thing about his character that truly annoyed me in that movie was how self-absorbed he seemed. It’s fine he had to figure out things, but he had little regard for the women whose lives he was interrupting in the process, while he sorted things out. (Granted, that was sort of the point of the movie, but still).</p>
<p>Could be worse…my husband showed up on a doorstep, trying to find the father of one of our adopted kids. I hired a private detective to find the guy, as I had no luck on the internet, even though I knew his name (common in MN), date of birth, and address from 18 years ago. I sent a letter and made several phone calls, but got no response. Son was having health issues and we needed some information. A woman answered the door and went to get him. He came out on the front step, closing the door behind him, so who knows what story he gave her afterwards?!</p>