How about an ever “older fashioned” grandma? Shortly after we got married, I joined my husband in visiting his irascible grandmother in her nursing home. H reminded her that we were attending law school together. Grandma looked me up and down, turned to my husband, and said, “She cooks?”
My parents and in-laws were all very intelligent but my in-laws were much more intellectual and serious. The irony is I agreed with them on many political and ideological issues but couldn’t stand to discuss them because MIL and FIL were both self-righteous and heavy handed about things. Consequently they assumed I was shallow and treated me accordingly. I couldn’t even take it personally, because they thought that about a lot of people and behaved the same towards them too. DH couldn’t stand it and distanced our nuclear family from them.
We maintained enough contact to be available in emergencies and were able to help them both when FIL died over fifteen years ago, and more recently when MIL was deciding to move to a CCRC and died in the midst of finalizing those plans.
It’s harder for DH now that our sons are grown and involved with / married to their partners. DH was seething that he could never imagine me treating either DIL or DS1’s SO the way his parents (his mother specifically) had treated me, and both young women are as different from me, if not more so, than I was from MIL. He says the contrast makes the treatment we got from his parents that much worse. It’s so raw now with his mother’s recent death.
The fact that our sons have each found someone who makes them feel wonderful is such a source of joy. We can’t imagine not making the most of knowing them. I think that’s a really sad part of having someone behave as though an important part of your life or character is invisible – it’s such a lost opportunity for everyone.
My issue with my MIL is that she asked many many questions without ever offering any information as to her
own opinion.
I drove her to the airport and we had gone just two miles and she had asked 27 questions–no kidding–
I was counting as I found it exhausting and needed amusement. It was impossible to stop her or to get the
focus on her. Those who did not care thought she was just interested in people. I thought she was insensitive
and unobservant and self-serving. H only saw my point the last few years of her life.
MIL “I see you are wearing blue, do you like blue”
MIL “Do you wear blue often”
MIL “Do you have a lot of blue shirts?”
MIL " did you wear blue often as a child"
X’s 27
The last visit I just did not talk to her basically at all.
Of course the issue is frequently between the S or D and their parent.
H just could not bring himself to discuss this with his mom. His initial focus was that he did not
want her dislike me (vs me disliking her). I was just not comfortable with her at all so did not speak up
but shut down. In the end we all lost.
Yes, my MIL is old fashioned. I have, on several occasions, been shamed by her for not packing my husband’s lunch for work.
On a positive note, she does periodically ask me how work is going.
My MIL hated me with a passion for not being Catholic.
It’s ironic that my D is now marrying a Catholic man and I’m sad that they will be raising their children Catholic. However, I absolutely adore my future sons-in-law. They both have separate, wonderful relationships with my husband and me. There are some hobbies/interests that we each share with them that they don’t share with our daughters!
Until my oldest son started seriously dating a girl whose mother is Catholic (Dad Jewish), I really didn’t understand my MIL’s sorrow that all of her grandchildren are a different religion. MIL doesn’t hate me for being Jewish - in fact, one of the very few compliments she ever gave me was saying that she believed I was a better wife and mother than the ex who ironed H’s underwear (and was Catholic school educated) would have been. Of course, she HATED that girl, who was a nasty piece of work who actually eloped with someone else while engaged to H.
I actually told my son that I would pay for his children’s educations if he raised them Jewish, which I guess is about as awful a mother-in-law thing as anyone could ever done! He said that if they have kids, they would seriously consider it. Honestly, his gf is not really religious. What I didn’t say is that my aspiration is to be able to pay for my gc’s educations regardless of their religions and that I wouldn’t not pay if I could even if they weren’t Jewish.
My FIL is convinced we’ll “find religion” once I have a baby.
He’s going to be sorely disappointed when he realizes his grandchild will be raised an atheist like us.
“What I didn’t say is that my aspiration is to be able to pay for my gc’s educations regardless of their religions and that I wouldn’t not pay if I could even if they weren’t Jewish.”
It’s not too late to tell him that. I’m not a big fan of extortion. 
If I told my kids I would pay for their kids’ education if they would raise them in __________ religion, they would be so offended. I’m sure they would tell me thanks but no thanks.
I don’t believe that at all.
My D who is agnostic isn’t going to raise the children anything. I’m fine with that.
My other D is very, very religious and is an officer in our church. I’m uncomfortable with her raising the children in a different religion for that reason. Also, I like our own better!
I’m sure my former mother-in-law (still alive but deep into Alzheimer’s disease) only cared whether her children, including my ex-husband, were happy. I think my former father-in-law was more concerned about their jobs and finances and such. My ex has been neither happy nor successful in the workplace or financially. I sometimes wonder if it bothers his dad at all that I’m a steadier person than his son is.
My in-laws were terrific people (at least until dementia changed that), but even so I always found an extended visit exhausting. MIL always wanted to do too much. I knew I should be grateful that she wanted to make me breakfast, but really I just want to make it myself and not be pushed into eating more than I want. Now that they are gone I miss them. My FIL had had some sort of mini-stroke long before I met him and was always just a bit off. Very pleasant, but conversations were always pretty superficial. It annoyed his kids more than it annoyed me.
@oregon101 #62, In-Law Bingo! I play that too, bought myself a lovely pair of earrings once when I reached a certain total.
^Love It!
With my own difficult mother I would list what she was going to say and get a point for
each time I was correct. It helps to use humor to offset the annoyance.
The funny thing for me is that I got that treatment from my family more than from my husbands’. We met in law school. I did better academically than he did, and worked at a noted law firm. Yet when there was ever a legal question brought up during family gatherings, my family asked him, and I was ignored! I figured it came from the fact that they still thought of me as a little girl.
Of course, after more than 60 years, they still spell my first name wrong.
@Chedva, I hope you mean your in-laws spell your name wrong, and not the people who actually gave it to you.
@oregon101 , your MIL sounds like she was on the autism spectrum!
My MIL is a narcissist with borderline personality disorder. Her thing is that everyone she is related to is brilliant, because she is brilliant. So I’m brilliant, her grand kids are brilliant (even the child with Down syndrome is unusually clever), her children are brilliant. Everyone else is a slave and beneath her. We’ve spent a fortune in misguided attempts to tip servers after she abused them for their stupidity, “wrong” race, etc.
I personally think borderlines are the most difficult people on the planet to be around. Combined with narcissism? OMG.
Actually, my mother spelled my name wrong my entire life and then asked me why it was spelled “that”
way. Weird, I know.