Old married people- I need your advice

Parent Cafe
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<p>This is a new screen name for privacy- Im not a snert ;)</p>

<p>Health concerns- My H doesn’t go to the dr regularly ( or the dentist). I haven’t been in the habit of making his appts, it makes me feel like his mother. However, I now see that he ( has) developed a phobia about using the phone to do so, and that there are indications that his “quirks” could be related to his health.</p>

<p>Extreme irritability ( IMO), as well as phobias about using the phone and downright hostility about using computers ( he said yesterday as far as he was concerned Bill Gates should be locked up along with George W.- now I am not a lover of Microsoft or the president, but that just sounds extreme to me- my problem is being irritable always has been part of his personality- or has existed for so long that it seems so, so when it increases, it is difficult to tell when it is a health concern).</p>

<p>He has been on an antidepressant that was prescribed by his family doc- however it has been the same one for years, and I don’t think it is working anymore.</p>

<p>The only thing I can think of doing, is to make an appt with his family doc for him ( I go to a different doctor), write a letter for ( the doc) to read before hand, explaining my concerns and hope that he pays attention to it.</p>

<p>We have crappy ins, and one of the problems is that to change our ins, H has to access the info through the computer at work, which he can’t do ( because it doesn’t work for him), possibly because this managed health plan doesn’t cover much, doctors are less inclined to spend much time, and his doc crabs about the lack of coverage- so I want to change, even though it will cost us more out of pocket. I think better care is worth it.</p>

<p>Has anybody done this? I think that if I just make an appt and tell him when it is he will go, and I do feel that part of being married is taking care of each other- ( although if I start calling him Daddy like my paternal grandmother did to her husband- lock me up), but I don’t know how much I should take over.</p>

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<p>Make an appointment for him.
I have seen research reports that indicate the main reason that married men live longer than do unmarried men is that the married men’s wives make them get medical care.</p>

<p>There are times not to take on responsibility that should be your husband’s, but this isn’t one of them since it’s a matter of life and death.</p>

<p>I’ve been married for 28 years, and my h finally started getting annual physicals about 8 years ago after I insisted. Then, it was found that he needs blood pressure meds. Since then, he has been responsible about seeing the doctor, but first, he had needed a big push from me.</p>

<p>And do whatever is needed to get the best care possible. One only has one life.</p>

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<p>I frequently get calls or letters prior to an appointment from a spouse or parent or child raising concerns about details that the patient may not admit to. With HiPAA privacy laws, I generally handle it like this. I read all letters, and if there are calls, my nurse speaks with the family member directly, taking info but not giving info, and I review the concerns. Personally, I always take a concern seriously. If a spouse, parent or chld is worried enough to call, there is some reason for that concern. Sometimes I openly mention the consern to the patient, and sometimes I simply ask enough questions to try to get to the root of the concern. I cannot call and speak with, or have my office personel speak with a family member after the exam do discuss particulars without the patients permission. But it is easy for me to suggest that the patient go home and discuss the issues directly. </p>

<p>I would make an appointment, and then call and generate a written message for the physician, or fax/send a note with your concerns.</p>

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<p>Gosh, it was at least 20 years ago that I made an appointment to speak with a new internist about my mom. Emphysema. I explained her stubborness & gave him a good picture of her personality. She had a very sharp sense of humor, as did this doc, and he was able to use that to increase her compliance. Trying to get her to eat was tough, but when he told her that if canibals captured her, they’d throw her back, she had a great laugh & really tried to take nutrition more seriously. They had a joking, sarcastic relationship for all the years he cared for her, and I am greatful for his kindness & bedside manner to this day. I doubt he’d have been able to make an instant connection had I not given him some background, not just on her condition, but on her personality.</p>

<p>Your H is in the same boat – resistant, but in need of good care. Be as pushy as you need to be to get him the help he needs. I wish you well, and I think this could work out if if you are tenacious.</p>

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<p>I agree with Northstarmom, especially about the reason married men live longer. I make all appointments for H, including haircuts (!) because he’d never find time to do so. I just look at it as one more way to show I love him. After years of trying, I finally got him to visit a doctor for a physical a couple of years ago. We’d been living in MA for a few years, and he hadn’t seen a doctor here. He really hit it off with this guy, and is now on a regular schedule for standard care. Fortunately, he doesn’t have any health problems, but we did have some excitement in the ER last weekend. False alarm, but I’m glad he’s taking better care of himself.</p>

<p>Also, from what I’ve read, dental care is really important to overall health. There seems to be a relationship between gingivitis and heart health. So I’d suggest starting with the M.D. but move on to the dentist, too. Good luck! I just used the logic that he has many responsibilities, and taking care of his health lets him take care of everything else.</p>

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<p>Please do make the appt. and drive him there if necessary. There are all sorts of reasons why your dh’s personality has changed for the worse, and only his dr. can determine if & how to treat him.</p>

<p>Dh & I have been married approx. 3 decades, and I’ve gotten increasingly involved in his health care over the years. He no longer fusses about it because he knows that he probably would have died a few years ago had I not insisted that he see a dr. immediately. </p>

<p>I have written letters to doctors (both for dh & for other family members), spoken w/ nurses, etc. Letter writing is easier because it saves me from having to sit through yet another lecture on the privacy laws, even if I begin the conversation by saying that I know the health care professional cannot discuss the patient. </p>

<p>Increased irritability was a sign in several situations, ranging from hearing/vision loss to chronic pain to early onset of Alzheimer’s, none of which may be the reason for the change in your dh. While in our family, it’s more often been the males who resist seeking medical care, I have to plead guilty, too. So now we bug each other about dental & medical appts.</p>

<p>Good luck!</p>

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<p>

This is exactly what I was going to suggest.</p>

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<p>I agree but will just add one note here. I have an adult sibling with an eating disorder. Our mother did the above route and she did go to the physician, however she has since stopped making/attending follow uup appointments and taking medication.<br>
So, dear OP, good luck to you and of course, pursue the original appointment and let the doctor know of all of your concerns. Unfortunately, in the end, you may not be able to convince DH to follow the doctor’s advice.</p>

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<p>Absolutely make the appointment and I agree that you may need to be prepared to take him there as well. My H has extremely high BP, he resisted doctors and meds for many years (in extreme denial), when I finally got him in to the doc’s about 6 years ago, the nurse almost fainted when she took his reading and they wanted to send him off to the ER right away. Dramatic as that was, it was a wakeup call and was the turning point for him. I make the appointments and nag to make sure he keeps them (it helps that the meds won’t be renewed automatically).</p>

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<p>As a 30+ year spouse I’d make the call and follow through with being available to go to the appointment. What my friends down here in Texas call a “come to Jesus meeting”… sometimes it’s what it takes - having someone else know that your condition needs to be taken seriously - to make you pay attention.</p>

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<p>As a husband of some 27 years I agree with making him an appointment and nagging if necessary to make him go - and going with him to ensure he follows up as required. While you may not want to be his “mom” (I sincerely doubt he’ll think of you that way anyway - the sex aspect, you know ;)) men seem to need prodding in this area more so than women. Perhaps we just refuse to be anything less than 18 and invulnerable; such things remind us we’re mortal after all. Plus, when about 50, (pesky, annoying?) doctors typically insist on medical procedures we really detest - like the prostate exam.(:eek:) Men can become studied students of procrastination when confronted with such things. </p>

<p>I have come to see this phenomenon as a complementary process - he remembers to get the oil changed in the car; you remember he needs to take his medicine, so to speak.</p>

<p>Just do it. :)</p>

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<p>“I have come to see this phenomenon as a complementary process - he remembers to get the oil changed in the car; you remember he needs to take his medicine, so to speak.”</p>

<p>Great analogy! I never notice odd sounds, flattening tires, etc. I am so grateful to H for noticing those things and remembering when my car needs check-ups.</p>

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<p>p2n, I will admit that I didn’t fully inform my darling husband about what to expect at his first physical in many years! He was a little surprised, to say the least, since he doesn’t pay any attention to health issues. If I’d told him what to expect, he’d never have gone.</p>

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<p>After my first humiliating session with “the finger” (:eek:) I have GREAT sympathy for women. You guys are real troopers. I wonder if med students get to examine each other in class? Do female med students have to examine the male med students? Yuck.</p>

<p>However, the exam is better than bone cancer anyday. </p>

<p>“Deal with it” the graceful and brave (not to mention totally hot!) Mrs. p2n always says to me when I complain. She’s right, you know. :wink: So I do.</p>

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<p>I love that, ‘come to Jesus meeting’ Texans do have a way with words. </p>

<p>Denial and fear is a powerful force, and combined with a case of the grumps can be quite intimidating. But in my nursing practice, I see many, many men, grumpy still, in their hospital beds, who did get to the ER due to a nagging wife. They sheepishly admit she was right as they deal with the news of their heart disease or newly diagnosed heart attack. </p>

<p>It is a painful process, dragging someone to the doctor or ER, but good caretaking behavior, hopefully reciprocated as well.</p>

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<p>

I read an article about this somewhere a few months ago. It talked about how med students practice most things on each other, but they use “professional patients” for gynecological exams and such. It said the patient had bruises and marks from the inexperienced students poking and prodding. She and her husband both started to work as professional patients after one of them when diagnosed with cancer. It’s not a job I’d want, but I’m happy someone’s doing it.</p>

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<p>Feel comfortable in the knowledge that all you can do is all you can do. You can lead a horse to water but you can’t make him drink. At the end of the day, you can try, but you can’t motivate someone else to care about themselves.</p>

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<p>When studying nursing, the first clinical classes were students giving each other physicals. Nobody undressed completely or had to perform the “dreaded finger exam,” however. </p>

<p>I’m just curious if you ever had any luck getting H to the doc? Or at least agreeing to an appointment?</p>

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<p>We’ve been married for 22 years and in the last two years, after having a number of health issues, decided to always go to important doctors’ appointments together. The person who is a patient has a harder time advocating for themselves, because they are in a more volnerable position – being sick and being evaluated. The spouse can think clearer, take notes, ask good questions and advocate in general. It also helps to have a second set of ears, especially if the instructions are complicated.</p>

<p>Both of our parents, married for 45 and 50 years, do the same thing. They think of their couple as a single family unit. If one person is sick, it impacts both of them. So, if you think of yourselves as a team, then you are helping each other. It makes no difference who makes the appointment or who drives. The health of your team is all that matters.</p>

<p>My co-worker, a 30-year old man from India said that he and his 29-year old wife always go to all important doctors together. At first, I thought it was funny. Now, I realize it’s a sign of their love and support for each other.</p>

<p>Good luck!</p>

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<p>I very much agree about going to important doctor’s appointments with someone else. It’s very common for people not only to forget specific instructions but to interpret something with either more or less emphasis than the way it was actually conveyed. </p>

<p>When you say your H would need to access the computer at work in order to change insurances, when you said it doesn’t work - did you mean your H won’t use the computer because of his hostility toward all things computer or that the computer at work wasn’t working? Do you think he’d object to it if you volunteered to stop by to change the insurances?</p>