Oldest or youngest in their class?

Parent Cafe
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<p>Well I have experienced the full range of options on this topic between myself and my 3 children.</p>

<p>Myself-Late Sept b-day, Nov or Dec cut-off. I was always one of the youngest and the very, very shortest and last to mature though also one of the smartest. The problem was that I was bored and too immature to discipline myself. I don’t see the issue as age related but just the speed at which I could master the topic compared to my peers. By HS I had a social group but definitely fell into the category of not wanting anyone to think I was younger so misbehaved with the best of them.</p>

<p>Oldest S-Late July b-day, Sept 1 cut-off. Small and busy as a preschooler. We decided to hold him back very early on. His preschool moved kids up in 1/2 year groups so evryone was oldest or youngest some of the time. He did well academically but was still slow to master reading. Hit puberty just before HS and was able to participate in sports at our very competitive HS. Because of his b-day he had always played up in leagues. Now that he is in college I feel that we have had fewer of the mistakes kids make as they face their new freedom.</p>

<p>D-Late Sept b-day, Sept 1 cut-off. Her b-day contributed to our decision with our sons. Everythin I’ve read says that developmentally girls are more ready than boys for elementary school, better small motor development at 5-7. Since she would be the oldest we felt the comparison with her brothers if they were the youngest would be tough. Putting all 3 on the same level as the oldest made for a happier household. She has done well academically and socially. Gifted programs in elementary and mid-school kept her challenged as have honors and AP classes in HS.</p>

<p>Youngest S-Early July b-day, Sept 1 cut-off. Also small and very busy as a preschooler. Through elementary school teachers took away his chair since he never sat down. He also has a slight LD. I think being slightly more mature made it easier for him to deal with the LD and see it in a realistic perspective. Also he is just hitting puberty now as a HS sophomore. If he’d gone a year earlier HS would have been awfully hard for him. Being a year older he has been able to discipline himself academically and has been active in sports and socially.</p>

<p>My Dad-Skipped 2 grades. Went to Oberlin at 16 and Harvard business at 20. Always socially inept but he had other problems as well. He attributed many of his problems to being out of synch with his classmates.</p>

<p>Bottom line, your kids will probably believe you made the right decision as long as you believe you made the right decision.</p>

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<p>It is amazing to see freshman at my D’s private school w/ a driving license (16)…but on the other hand I see the advantage in an older teenager being more responsible about the whole college application process. I think my D would rather put off SAT prep and essay writing 'till next summer (when she’s 17). Unfortunately she will be a Senior this fall. Her GPA would be stronger if she was more focused on her goals…which again comes from maturity. I also think there are more options for keeping kids challenged (AP’s, EC’s) when they are older in the class. Are older kids better at being responsible re college applications? When does that kick in?</p>

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<p>My son just turned 18 and will be a high school senior. We held him back because we did that for my other two Ss; all three were very active and middle one was very small for his age. Son #1 was only one interested in and responsible re: college apps. Son #2 had a passion and first choice school with great program in that area; he barely tolerated looking at others and doing other apps. Luckily he was accepted ED at one he wanted. Son #3 is a top student and has some great ECs but also is not interested in college stuff. Like you, Tsky, I want to know, “when does that kick in?” I keep telling him to get off his butt and do some research cuz it’s him going to college NOT me. This is going to be painful.</p>

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<p>

My father graduated from hs months before turning 16 having been skipped ahead twice during his middle elementary years in the 30’s and 40’s. Back then, they just didn’t know what else to do with this precious, ill-behaved (probably today’s equivalent of ADHD), socially inept kid. He got kicked out of 2 publics and 1 private high school in the LA area, but did graduate, albeit at the bottom of his class. The best thing he did was take 2 gap years pursuing his railway and photography passions and working very odd jobs. He eventually went to junior college, UCB and UCLA, and broadcasting school. He never really was a social man, my mom made all the effort in that area.</p>

<p>His horrible scholastic experience resulted in his caring more about our education than other parents of that era. Teachers wanted to skip me and later my youngest brother, but their recommendations hit a brick wall with my dad. He made sure we had enriching experiences outside the classroom rather than accelerate. In hindsight, his decision has served us well in the long run.</p>

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<p>Ours skipped 1 grade, recommended but not pressured to skip 2 grades. His friends are thus a year older and sometimes 2 years older while he was in middle and HS. He graduated top of class of 600 and took all there was to offer, Now in college and making Dean’s list. He has been fortunate to find friends and roomies who are more of intellectual level with age being a nonfactor. </p>

<p>Biggest drawbacks in skipping grades is missing the experience of HS, College, and being with parents one more year. Life will happen without any pushing. </p>

<p>I personally dated a girl in HS who skipped two grades (elementary), went to NW and I hope is doing fine. She was smart and beautiful, and very capable in managing life and other kids two years older.</p>

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<p>Each story here reiterates the point that the decision to either hold back or skip ahead, etc. is a very individual one depending on the kid. While several posts here demonstrate how an extra year has been a gift for some kids (particularly boys) and in particular in the social realm, there are those who have skipped ahead who did not suffer socially. I think when choosing to skip or accelerate or graduate early, one needs to evaluate the situation beyond the academic/intellectual development. If a kid is simply very gifted, there are ways to accomodate that without skipping ahead if the kid is not socially advanced. </p>

<p>But ItsTooMuch has a child like mine who not only needed to move ahead academically but also fit in ahead socially and did fine. It is not for everyone. As shared previously, I have a kid who entered kindergarten early, plus has just graduated this past week another year early, at 16 1/2 and is going to college. Had I thought she was simply developmentally ready in the intellectual area, it would not have been enough and in fact, might have been a problem to go ahead. But socially she fits in and has always befriended older kids and is even a leader with older kids. People never think of her as younger. I know that socially and academically she is ready for college. And when she entered K a year early, it was again not just for academic reasons but also was socially the right group (the one she spent two years in nursery school with). But for some kids, going ahead is a mistake, particularly socially. </p>

<p>I do have a sister in law who is much younger than myself and thus I saw her grow up. She is extremely gifted. She went from grade seven to twelve in four years and was still valedictorian, graduating around her sixteenth birthday. She was accepted into every Ivy and is now a professor. She did fine in college but my observation of her prior to college was that she was only advanced intellectually, NOT socially and did not seem to have a lot of friends. It worked out for her I think but it was a case of simply academic readiness to skip ahead. I think when someone goes ahead you have to look at the intellectual, social, and emotional development, to make such a decision. Same with holding back actually. </p>

<p>Susan</p>

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<p>You are spot on, Soozie. (oops…wrong poster first time!) I find this particular decision has two camps and most people don’t jump the fence. Either it worked for you and your family, or it failed miserably. Each person must make his or her own decision. I entered school early and graduated early, I had no problems adjusting academically or socially. I’m glad we accelerated our boys (I hate the work “skip”…makes it sound like you missed something, when if done right you are merely aligning the curriculum to what your child has already mastered.) As it turns out, they had several friends who either accelerated or compacted curriculum over the years. There are some that stayed the course, and they are doing just fine, too! For us, the difference in curriculum, coming from a more rigorous to a less rigorous, necessitated the acceleration.</p>

<p>This is merely OUR experience. It worked for us. It was preferable to treading water.</p>

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<p>I made the eligiblity date for entering school by just a few days. By the time I hit 13, I was the third youngest and the shortest male in my eight grade class. It wasn’t much fun. In fact it was awful. Inmature and small. Great combination. I made sure that my son, who was born one day before my birthday, did not enter school when he was technically eligible. The year wait worked out well.</p>

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<p>My S,second child, has a Nov 9 birthday,we live in NY where the cutoff for K is Dec 30. In a quandary about what to do I consulted his Nursery school teacher way back then. Her opinion was to put him in and then hold him back in K an extra year if it wasn’t working.
He’s now 16 1/2 and will be a senior next year. I hate to imagine what it would have been like if we had held him back.While not a superstar academic he’s consistently in the 96-97 GPA range (unweighted) taking Ap’s and Honor’s. He did well enough on his SAT’s.He plays a varsity sport.He excells at leadership holding a state wide position in a well known national student community service organization.His friendship base is divided amongst juniors like him and seniors.He’ll be attending his second college based summer program starting next week.He’s had a small part time job for two years already.He’s been shaving for a few years already and while on the short side (due to family genes not lack of maturity) his voice has been deep for years.He can’t wait to graduate and go on to college.
His only drawback?Since we’re in NY (suffolk County) you don’t get a senior driver’s license till you turn 17 so he’s “behind” in the driving world!!</p>

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<p>Girl friend had a late birthday, so that she was even younger than my sister. Yikes! She was 13 and I was 16 !?!</p>

<p>Thankgoodness it was platonic. I think I took her to see few movies over time- Irma La Douce, Never on Sunday, and The Graduate. On reflection, I wonder how that has affected her? Has me.</p>

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<p>I’m a little late reading this thread, too, but I wanted to comment on the topic.</p>

<p>My older daughter was the youngest in her class, just making the cutoff date for kindergarten in our state by a few days. Two months shy of 5 years old, she only weighed 37 pounds when entering school. As a matter of fact, she could not even open the school’s front door by herself. Unless a safety patrol member was present to hold the door for her each morning, I had to stop the car and walk up to the school to do it for her!</p>

<p>What I also remember very vividly about her early days at school are all the tears she used to shed each day. That was so hard for me as a mom, knowing that she was scared to death and really hated leaving her sister and me every Monday through Friday for the first few weeks!
She had been to a three morning per week pre-school for the previous two years, but that program was private and very small. Putting her in public kindergarten with such a diverse group of kids from different races and economic levels must have been like throwing her to the wolves in her eyes! </p>

<p>Thirteen year later, however, I am so proud to report that my still very petite child did graduate #1 in her high school class, can get along with anyone from any background, and enjoyed a highly successful first year at a top university. She is studying at Oxford this summer and having the time of her life. Oh, the tears she and I both shed while she was in kindergarten . . . little did I know that everything was going to turn out so wonderfully for her in the end!</p>

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<p>parentof teen
Was your D a premie?
My d was 10 weeks early and it seemed like forever to hit 20 lbs then forever to hit 40 lbs.
At 23 however she is doing quite well at 5’2 and about 110 lbs ( her 15 yr old sister is 5’6" )</p>

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<p>No, she was not a premie. She was only born one week early and weighed 6 lbs, 11 oz. She now is 5’4" tall and weighs around 103. Since she is a dancer, she stays very trim through exercise. Also, she is one of those unusual kids who really doesn’t like very fattening foods. She dislikes hamburgers, tolerates only a little bit of pizza, hates most flavors of ice cream, etc. She does, however, love her chocolate! I will say, though, that she has always preferred a good salad and bread meal to any other. That is how she is surviving in England this summer. (has turned down some truly sumptuous meals that included salmon en croute, cheesecake, etc.) I wish I could be there just to eat her leftovers!!!</p>

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<p>Parentofteen – congratulations to your daughter - it is wonderful that she has done so well.</p>

<p>But as someone who was a very petite child, and who personally was accellerated: I have to say that those painful early memories never die. I still remember always being the last kid picked on the playground, because I was too small for anyone’s team; I still remember being ostracized and teased during those “mean girl” years of middle school - because physically & emotionally I was in no way ready to play that game. I remember being friendless – then making a good friend of a neighbor two years my junior, only to suffer more teasing from my same grade peers for my choice of a “little kid” for a best friend. (My younger friend, however, was socially precocious and the one who guided me through boys & dating & pop culture & fashion choice - we were both the same size and started puberty at about the same time.)</p>

<p>I also was successful at school - good grades, great test scores - did well at college, at a top law school, & felt fulfilled in my career and adult life. And if you had asked me at any time in childhood whether I regretted my mom’s choice of early entry into 1st grade (I skipped kindergarten) – I would have insisted that I was happy to have been advanced, and if anything would have wanted to be advanced again. And, in fact, I did skip another year in high school, entering college at age 16. </p>

<p>But as noted, those painful early memories still persist, and I think that is one reason that I was happy that my own two kids had spring birthdays and a good, typical age/grade fit. I anticipated, correctly, that my own kids would be small for their age, late to enter puberty, and very, very smart – so I looked for a school environment that was flexible and encouraged mixed grade activities - and I de-emphasized academics in the early years in favor of other activities. My daughter had an especially active early childhood - I think the year she was 6 she was taking at least 5 different dance classes and also doing gymnastics. Like me, my daughter got restless in high school - but unlike me, she will graduate on schedule – and whereas I went from one state to another at 16 for college, my daughter chose a foreign exchange and traveled to the other side of the globe. So in hindsight, it is clear that my daughter has had more opportunities, not less, because of the choices made early on NOT to accellerate, despite the fact that she entered kindergarten reading at a 3rd grade level. </p>

<p>The difference I have seen between my childhood and that of my kids is simply that they have been so much more confident every step of the way, and they have fallen more naturally in leadership roles among their peers. </p>

<p>I don’t want my post to be interpreted as criticism – we all make the choices we think are best at the time for our kids, and our kids are individuals with very different needs. But to the extent that we can advise other, younger parents based on our own experience, then I have to say that the early tears are not worth it. To look back and say that things have turned out well is missing an important piece of information: how would things have turned out if the child had waited another year to start school? What I saw with my own daughter was that she went through elementary school, middle school, and now high school as the trend-setter, the leader, the kid who everyone liked and who could get along with everyone - and she will likely be her class salutatorian. She simply has had a richer and happier childhood than I did. Some of that may be a difference in personality - I can’t say that I would have necessarily had an easier time if I had not been grade-advanced. Perhaps I simply would have been more bored and frustrated with the academic end of things. </p>

<p>But, again, the reference to those early, tear-filled days do also bring back some unpleasant memories for me. I am glad that my own children had a more positive early school experience than my own.</p>

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<p>I agree with calmom. The early years for my younger children had their share of stress. My son suffered silently and my daugher cried alot. Most of the kids were older and more worldly. While my kids excelled academically, they were not used to dealing with kids their own age. Maybe it was immaturity, or maybe it was just that they preferred older kids (I still remember how worried I was that my son refused to play Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles with the other boys in nursery school…LOL) Eventually, they learned to blend in with their agemates and were able to connect with different groups on different levels. I think learning social skills might just be a hard experience no matter how old the child.</p>

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<p>I was not accelerated (the school offered, my parents did not do it… pity). Spent many, many very booooring years at school, did all my homework in class, never learned to work hard. Socially, being “with my age” did not make any difference: never wanted to play that games with “mean girls”, never wanted to fit in any groups, never cared about appearances anyway… In college, I met several kids who were accelerated - and they had to work hard through their school years, so their study skills were sooo much better than mine. Too bad my parents did not listen to my teachers… :(</p>

<p>So, when I saw that my own kids are developing faster than their age peers, there was no question in my mind - either they should go to a very strong school, or they should be accelerated. Or maybe both.</p>

<p>Our D (June b-day) went to school in time, but it was a really good school, she was challenged. When we moved, the new school coul not offer much, so she graduated in 3 years and started college as a young 17 y.o.</p>

<p>S2 (December b-day) started a year earlier (“well, if it will not work, he can repeat a grade”) - he actually was disorganized, and his grades were not great, but every teacher and psychologist I consulted with told that if we try to hold him back, it will not help at all (and will hurt his self-esteem). It was exactly my take of S2’s situation, so he stayed in his class - but there were 7 accelerated kids in that class, so he was never the youngest.</p>

<p>S3 (September b-day) started school at 5 (almost 6), but was placed with 7-year-olds. Perfect fit socially and academically (he’s small for his age, but it never hurt his social life) - he thrived at school for three years and enjoyed it tremendously… and then we moved. The new school told us that they do not accelerate, and everybody must be placed “according to his age”. And the cutoff was in August, so S3 was sent two years back… which ended in complete disaster, and he was on the brink of clinical depression when we pulled him from school and started homeschooling. Three years later, he returned to high school (skipped 8-th). He usually befriends older kids - only has one or two friends his age, so when he realized all his friends will go to college soon, he applied a year earlier. He’ll start college in September (did not like the idea of gap year), and I just know that it would not work if we’d try to keep him with his age peers… We tried, yeah. :)</p>

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<p>D was the oldest. (Jan.)
S1 was the oldest - by one month. (Dec. baby) - Had him start a year late. Worked great.
S2 - right on target (May baby.)</p>

<p>I was the youngest - a late fall baby - and I yo-yoed all through school - great grades one year, put in advanced class the next then not so great grades - back and forth. Not good.</p>

<p>Also, we are all social and physical late bloomers in this family. An inherited trait I spose… if we tendended toward the opposite - to be physically and socially precocious, it might not have worked as as well as it has for S1.</p>

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<p>I was born in late December. I was not held back. For me it was a big mistake. I was always the youngest and the shortest. I don’t think I caught up until grad school. </p>

<p>Our son’s birthday is one day before mine (I told my wife I didn’t care when our son was born as long as it was in that tax year. Five days of life and I got a full year’s deduction. He paid for the cost of his birth. It was the last time I got anything free from him.) Based on my experiences there was never any doubt that he was going to be held back. I hate to think what would have happened if we had pushed him ahead.</p>

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<p>A pricipal one noted that only in school are we supposed to do what everyone who was born in the same year was doing. When we get out of school --we all do things at different times–get married , have babies, work, stay home. The hard thing is predicting at 5 what grade we need to be in at 15. My son (Dec.) was incredibly small–late bloomer–it was tough in middle school and 9, 10, now he is 17 and a rising senior (almost 6" which is totally unbelieveable) and he’s finally in the right place–maybe it would have been better if he had been held back but when? The old one room school house proabaly worked better–but can’t go back.</p>

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<p>I was 4 when started K. Big mistake. I was always the shortest and least coordinated, much more of a factor in elementary school than reading level.
My girls are both born at end of May, one we went so far as to find a special 5s program for her becuase the kindergarten wasn’t appropriate.
However when we did find a private multi age elementary school, they considered her as a “1st grader” which was fine as it was multi grade classrooms, did cause a bit of a problem when she changed schools and entered 6th grade, wasn’t able to catch up until she took a year off before entering college.
2nd daughter also attended private school but only from K-2 grade, also multi ages in classroom, we chose a public school that also had multiages but she was not placed in a mixed grade classroom till 7th grade. I expect she will also take a year off after high school.</p>

<p>In our area, “red shirting” is common, that is the practice of keeping kids in an academic preschool till they are 6 when they enter K. Because K is so much more academic in focus now, and pressure is on with these older kids to make it even more academic, it is then more difficult for kids who are the regular age for K, especially for lower income kids who may not have had preschool, but rather poorer quality child care.
Id like to see more mixed classrooms, when they work they can be fantastic, and would open up the possiblity for kids moving ahead when they are ready, not just when the calendar says so.</p>