<p>H and I have been married for 20+ years, but S and D do not know that I was married previously and divorced. H has always wanted to keep that secret from as many people as possible. Interestingly, neither S nor D has ever asked many questions about our past lives. I am thinking that sooner or later I will need to break it to them or they will learn it some other way. </p>
<p>Is it common to keep such things from the children in this, the information age? I have found out from ancestry that my father’s parents were divorced. Sooner or later the information comes out. Is there a reason to try to keep it a secret indefinitely? Is there a reason not to?</p>
<p>H’s family is big on the “family secrets” while my family had absolutely nothing that remained secret for long.</p>
<p>I don’t think it is your husbands place to decide what you chose to disclose about your own history and I would seriously consider marriage counseling at the very least if I was involved with someone who was so uncomfortable with my past that he denied its existence.</p>
<p>I think it is common though for some kids to not be so inquisitive about their parents, its hard to imagine we had lives before they were born! ;)</p>
<p>From a previous post it sounds like your H may have difficulty managing anxiety and it might be helpful for you to see a counselor by yourself to get perspective because I have a feeling that your H is not as supportive as he could be.</p>
<p>Out of curiosity, how OLD are your kids? If they’re under 18 and haven’t asked yet, one thing to think about is whether it’s necessary to bring it up at this point in their lives. </p>
<p>Especially considering this could add unnecessary emotional baggage or feelings they must act as an emotional support for parents before they’ve had sufficient life experience and development to be ready to do so. </p>
<p>Another thing to consider is that your H and his family have a much higher reserved threshold about disclosing what they’d consider extremely personal information to others…especially children/younger relations who are under 18. </p>
<p>This very difference in deciding how open one is about their personal lives/personal information is one I run into regularly with dates and friends…especially FB friends who are inclined to disclose so much about their personal life/thoughts I’d think is more prudently kept offline or even to oneself. </p>
<p>The ones who are that open on FB are the ones I know not to rely on as confidants or to handle situations where much discretion and sensitivity to confidentiality is needed in social or professional contexts.</p>
<p>*Especially considering this could add unnecessary emotional baggage or feelings they must act as an emotional support for parents before they’ve had sufficient life experience and development to be ready to do so. *</p>
<p>It really doesnt have to be that big of a deal. Mentioning that there was a brief marriage before the current marriage and before the children were born is not going to scar them for life, even if it had never previously come up.</p>
<p>I also think that most people are interested in providing emotional support to those that are important to them and they gain something from doing so.</p>
<p>Children, even young children comfort each other and even adults all the time.
I would agree that adults should not routinely expect their children to be their “therapists”, that is completely inappropriate, but most children are naturally compassionate and that should be encouraged.</p>
<p>Unfortunately, too many adults do use their kids as therapists as I’ve heard from HS classmates and from a HS teacher who trained as an MD psychiatrist who said parents who do so could cause severe psychological issues for their kids which could last for a lifetime. </p>
<p>One thing I never got as an adolescent/undergrad male was why so many girls/women sought me out to confide about their relationship/marriage issues when I had little experience with dating at that point and should have been obvious that I have never been married…especially as a 13-17 year old high schooler. :(</p>
<p>Thankfully, none of them were parents or older relations though that doesn’t make it feel any less weird at the time…or now.</p>
<p>Why would your husband want to keep such an ordinary thing a secret? It’s not as though it’s something scandalous (like having spent time in prison) or traumatic (like having been sexually abused) or extremely personal (like having an abortion). It’s just a divorce, and apparently, it’s one that did not involve any children. Why does he consider it a major issue?</p>
<p>Edited to add: Perhaps my own experiences are showing here. My parents were divorced. My mother, in fact, was married and divorced three times. (We kids called her “Mrs. What’s-Her-Name-This-Week” behind her back.) My husband’s parents were also divorced. My kids never knew that grandparents usually come in couples; theirs didn’t. It never occurred to me to consider any of this a big deal.</p>
<p>One thing you might want to consider is whether there’s anything about the failure of your first marriage that you’re willing to talk about and that might provide helpful information for your children.</p>
<p>Perhaps there isn’t. If you feel that the reasons for your divorce are too personal to discuss or too unusual to serve as an example for others, then maybe mentioning the divorce would serve no purpose.</p>
<p>But if your kids could learn from your experience, it might be nice for them to have the benefit of that experience. And that would require that they know about the marriage and divorce.</p>
<p>If the son and daughter don’t already know about parents’ past, they probably eventually will somehow even if by accidental discovery–it’s hard for much of past remaining undiscovered in this internet age.</p>
<p>I can’t see any reason to just break the story to the kids now like with some kind of big sit down livingroom meeting/announcement. If at some point down the road though the kids confront parents about previous marriage I think you need to have a game plan ready and have your ducks lined up with the whole story for your 2 kids.</p>
<p>My mother lied about her age for many years. Then one day, when I was about 10, I found her high school yearbook. I quickly deduced that if she was born when she said she was born, she would have graduated at the age of 12. I confronted her. She admitted that she had shaved five years off her age.</p>
<p>I also found out some dandy family secrets as a teenager from adult family members who had had too much to drink – like the fact that my maternal grandmother was married at 16 and divorced at 18 (in around 1910, when divorce really was a scandal), and that she gave up custody of the child of that marriage to her in-laws and almost never saw him again. So my mother, who considered herself an only child, actually had a secret brother (whom she only met once).</p>
<p>And still more secrets were revealed when I went through people’s papers after their deaths. For one thing, I discovered that my father’s parents had celebrated their wedding anniversary on a false date for half a century to conceal the fact that their first child was born three months after their marriage. I found their real marriage certificate in my father’s papers. </p>
<p>I found this all very entertaining (and kind of reassuring because it shows that people of all generations are fallible), but I suppose some other people might be upset by such things.</p>
<p>I found out in my late teens that my dad had had another marriage. I didn’t really care. It wasn’t intended to be a secret, though. My siblings are all much older than I am and knew. Somehow everyone thought I knew, too, but I didn’t. </p>
<p>Cobrat, I find it very surprising that girls would have sought you out to confide. Now that you are an adult and past high school, do grown women seek you out in that way? Do you have anything in your adult experience that would allow you to offer your insight into this situation?</p>
<p>I agree with others who say this will eventually come to the kids’ attention. Then they will likely start to speculate why this relatively mundane information was withheld, perhaps wondering what the “backstory” is, or even if they have a half-sibling, etc. I am a believer in boundaries between parents and kids as far as not burdening little people with adult worries, but a statement of fact, if their questions can be answered cleanly, could avoid problems later. I wouldn’t want my kids wondering what else I hadn’t told them, nor feeling that relationships that end should never be mentioned within the family. Every circumstance is different, though. Good luck.</p>
<p>xaniamom - my story is very similar to your story.</p>
<p>I too was married (briefly) before my current 27-year-marriage. I never told my daughter when she was young, but I did tell her when she was about 17 years old. I thought that it was better she heard from me than from some blabbermouth relative (we were preparing for a big family reunion at the time of my disclosure). I also tried to use it as a teachable moment for her - my first husband was a smooth-talking ladies’ man (at least he seemed that way to me!), and my daughter and I eventually wound up talking about guys, serious relationships, what to look out for, and (more importantly) what to do when you realize that you’ve made a serious, dreadful mistake (aka marrying a smooth-talking ladies’ man.)</p>
<p>I say we “eventually” because her first reaction was incredulity, and we had to get through that first: “Really? You had a life before me?” Her first question was : “Do I have any brothers or sisters you never told me about?” Sheesh. Once her intial shock passed, though, it was fine and actually evolved into a really interesting conversation about choices and repercussions and growing up.</p>
<p>I say, go ahead and disclose, if you feel comfortable doing so and if you judge the time to be right. Better you than some one else.</p>
<p>I can’t even imagine not sharing this type of info with my kids. But it would have been something that probably would have been shared way early than their late teens - we’ve talked about our dating histories etc. with them, can’t imagine why we wouldn’t share a previous more serious relationship - it’s part of your history and who they are - maybe helps define who you are and what you have experienced in your lifetime.</p>
<p>In my experience, secrets come out at the worst possible times and create a lot of anger. Both my parents had been married before and had the kids to prove it, so I knew about my mother’s first marriage and my father’s first marriage. </p>
<p>But I didn’t know about his SECOND marriage until I found out at ten that he’d been keeping it a secret, and after that I wondered about his other secrets. I found out about the third woman–the one he proposed to, who turned him down–after he died, when reading his letters home from WW2 (which were archived publicly but which I was not allowed a copy of because they were “private”–I paid the archive to make copies for me, just like any historian). </p>
<p>There were other family secrets–how some relatives died, why property wasn’t inherited, why my grandfather ended up in America (and what happened to his uncles in America–the ones who became notorious bank robbers? oh no, they’re not relatives). </p>
<p>Over the years I noticed that the keeping of all those secrets meant larger and larger areas became off-limits. In a family of journalists, that meant that no one could talk about or ask questions about anything family-related. Too many subjects were touchy. We lost track of relatives that my parents didn’t want to see because they might reveal something. My mother told one sister a secret and expected her to keep it secret from the rest of us; she did so, and the not-talking spread and now we simply don’t talk much.</p>
<p>Secrets are corrosive to family relationships.</p>
<p>As a teenager, I’m really not sure what the big deal is. In this day and age, a previous marriage is not the jaw dropping scandal you’re making it out to be. Tell your kids! Chances are, they’ll shrug it off and wonder why you made such a huge deal about it. Best case scenario, you all end up having a wonderful conversation and grow from it like another poster mentioned. A previous marriage doesn’t mean you love your husband or kids any less. Your kids will know that. Just make sure your husband does too. I agree that some marriage counseling may be in order if he is forcing you to withhold information from your children based on his own ideals and insecurities. Children turn out better when they have an open and honest relationship with their parents. As cheesey as it sounds, the more you trust them, the more they’ll trust you. If you don’t want the “issue” made public, tell them it’s a family matter. Honestly, I’m really glad to have the honest relationship that my parents and I have. We trust one another and it has helped me to have the confidence I need to exist in the real world. Your kids deserve the same.</p>
<p>I had a short (5-year) first marriage- got married at 21- no children. After much agonizing, I decided to tell my daughter about it when she was pretty young, around seven, so it would not be a secret or big issue later. Of course, it didn’t mean much to her at the time, and I think it still doesn’t. Since then I have found out that a LOT of married friends also had short first marriages or serious, live-in relationships. There is no reason to be ashamed. It was a mistake which has taught me a lot. I can also tell her to take her time with some authority. I would tell your kids as soon as possible. It really is better to be honest.</p>
<p>My DH had a brief marriage before ours which thankfully produced no children. When DS was about 11, we told him; he was totally not interested and didn’t ask one question. We told DD, five years younger than her brother, when she was about 14, and she, on the other hand, was intrigued–wanted to meet the woman, briefly referred to her as “almost-mommy”–a little creepy! I don’t think either kid ever asked in detail why that marriage ended, although DH was certainly willing to talk to them about it. It just goes to show that children are incredibly egocentric and really are not concerned with their parents’ lives before they (the kids) existed. I wouldn’t be surprised, though, if when they are much older, they have questions, all of which we will answer. We don’t keep secrets either.</p>
<p>My mom was very briefly married and divorced before she was married to my dad. We have always, always known-- even as small children, it just wasn’t a secret. My mom didn’t have as much choice because she did have a child with her first husband who was just old enough to remember who her real dad was-- though she was raised as my father’s child. It’s always been a non-issue in our household, and though the subject isn’t remotely taboo it isn’t really something that’s talked about either. If it comes up it comes up, but it rarely does. Everybody is open and there are no hard feelings. I think part of the reason we are able to have this kind of a relationship with the issue is because it has always been open and has never been made into a big deal-- there was no big reveal of the secret because it was never a secret to begin with.</p>
<p>That feels like a big secret to keep. I would be sad if my mom felt she had to keep that from me, that experience affected who she was SO MUCH. I have learned a lot about relationships from hearing about it. It’s not really my business if she didn’t want to share it, but it feels like an awfully big burden to make it into such a big deal that it must be kept secret.</p>