On how much you tell the kids

Parent Cafe
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<p>I am very opposed to lying, secrets, and withholding. As others have said, the fact that you were previously married briefly is part of your history and I cannot fathom my kids not knowing such a basic piece of information (that is not scandalous in the least either). I don’t think they will be upset that you had a previous marriage but likely could be very upset that such a basic piece of your past has been kept a secret (or even lied about when your D said you have never been divorced and you did not correct her). There is a good chance they will either hear it from others or figure it out in some way in this information age. And secrets and lies just create huge trust issues because it makes the recipients wonder what else you may be keeping a secret (particularly when this secret seems like a rather harmless piece of information). </p>

<p>I realize there is a big issue of the fact that if you tell your kids, your husband will get upset at you. This is something that you should discuss with a counselor so that the threat of his rage doesn’t keep you from doing what you feel is right. Actually, this is YOUR personal history, not his, or not even yours together, and so you have your own rights to divulge it to your kids. </p>

<p>I’m very into being open and honest with my kids (or spouse or anyone for that matter). We haven’t ever told the kids our actual income I suppose, but my parents never told me either and if my kids ever asked me (they haven’t), I would tell them. My kids are now young adults (24 and 26). My husband is someone who also keeps secrets like your husband. I can think of a personal secret (about himself) that he kept from our kids and I understood that when they were younger but I think it is one they would have a right to know as adults, but it wasn’t my place to tell them since it was about him personally. However, if my kids as adults point blank ask me a question, I will answer them with the truth because I am not a liar and I won’t lie on someone else’s behalf. One of my kids asked me at age 22 about this matter (that he has kept secret from them) about their dad because she suspected it, and while i never told my kids because it was my husband’s place to do so (it was only about him, not me), I did answer her honestly because she asked and I won’t lie. So, at the very least, if your kids ever ask you, you should answer truthfully. But in YOUR case, your previous divorce is YOUR business, not your husband’s, and therefore you have a right to divulge it to your kids, and in my opinion, you should, because they are young adults and the distrust issue will arise when they ultimately find out another way. A counselor may help you on how to approach this given the issues with your husband.</p>

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<p>How much to tell them? At least as much as they need to know.</p>

<p>When you are an alcoholic in recovery before your child is born and continue in recovery, you still have a lot of your past that the child may need to know to understand the potential risk of alcohol to the child’s health.</p>

<p>My Dad (born in 1912) explained to me about his family’s involvment in the KKK in the 1900s-1920s as part of his explanation to me of why his mother (my grandmother) was such a racist. In the process, I came to know why he rejected those beliefs (he, when a child, found a ■■■■■■■■ child who had hung himself in a barn because the older white kids had told him that the Klan came after “■■■■■■■” as well as N******). </p>

<p>It helped a lot as a white kid (born in 1950) growing up in Dallas during school integration tension, racial killings, church bombings, etc across the South perpetrated by people who looked just like me. I had been brought up to respect people until they showed they did not deserve it which, believe me, made me different back then–it was great to know why I was different on this.</p>

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<p>I was from my mother’s short first marriage; she remarried when I was 6 and my stepfather adopted me and became my father, and it was a point of pride for us that it was never a secret to my younger sister or to anyone else for that matter. My stepfather had been married briefly as well before marrying my mother and it was no big secret either. It was all handled in a matter of fact way.</p>

<p>OTOH, when I went looking for my bio father (who had died in the interim, but I didn’t know that) and found his second wife and their 2 children, who were 18 and 21 at the time … They didn’t know their father had been married before, and they didn’t know that I existed, even though there were baby pictures of me in their photo albums. It was AWFUL. The rift between my half-sister and her mother over the mother keeping that secret still hasn’t gone away. There was nothing to be ashamed of - I was from a “legitimate” marriage, I wasn’t some love-child, there wasn’t any abuse or anything like that, it was just a young marriage that didn’t work out.</p>

<p>I am a big advocate of no-secrets based on my personal history.</p>

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<p>My brothers and I found out some information about my parents and other close relatives on my mother’s side via cousins on my dad’s side. We were very disappointed that our cousins knew this information and we didn’t–obviously they had heard from their parents, our aunts and uncles. </p>

<p>OP, if family members of yours (siblings or parents–the grandparents and aunts/uncles of your children) know about your previous marriage, I would say it’s likely that your children will hear about it eventually and they will feel very disappointed that they had to find out that way instead of from you.</p>

<p>Your children are young adults at this stage in their lives. I don’t know what’s up with your relationship with your husband, but it’s troubling that he is so angry about the possibility of letting your children know about this part of your past. Perhaps your kids, knowing their dad, would understand why they couldn’t tell him that they know about your previous marriage but it is, indeed, a tangled web, and over something that doesn’t seem like it should be such a big deal.</p>

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The kids are well-versed in keeping things from their father. It’s not uncommon if one of them (or myself) has an unfortunate incident for me to say “we won’t mention this to your father, eh?” They have grown up with it. When I tell them about my personal past, I will make it clear that the reason they have not been told already is because their father was so opposed to it. I’m thinking they will fully understand this in the context of their lives thus far. </p>

<p>As for secrets in the extended family there seem to be quite a few, probably some even I’m not aware of. I know there are some H is not aware of. It’s a need-to-know kind of thing. Some things would just cause animus. Why unleash that if it’s not necessary?</p>

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<p>I just don’t like the sound of the H’s reaction and possible further reaction. If he does have a personality disorder, then dealing with this won’t be like dealing with a regular person. </p>

<p>I think Xania has posted in the past some irrational behavior that also suggests a PD. Obviously, no one can be dx’d from another person’s story, but since he has a history of being “absolute” about this subject not being revealed, his feelings about people being divorced, and his recent rage at the general subject matter suggests that he engages in black/white thinking. If he does have a PD, then the “fall out” from a reveal to the kids could be much greater than any of us can anticipate. </p>

<p>Telling the kids may become a subject that will repeatedly get brought up as a “bat to the head”. Or, the H may think he now has the right to a “payback” and reveal something about Xania that is very personal which no one has the right to know. </p>

<p>I think Xania needs to proceed with caution and perhaps not tell her kids. It’s not as if they really need to know this. They don’t. Your children don’t need to know every part of your history.</p>

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<p>Xaniamom,</p>

<p>Since your kids are adults, they need to know and from your subsequent posting, your H is acting unreasonably. </p>

<p>However, there may be hidden family baggage beyond living in a family which “kept secrets”. Maybe traumas or hidden fears regarding security of relationships/fears of abandonment or being raised in/brainwashed by family with the old-fashioned notion that divorce IS something to be ashamed of. </p>

<p>I echo those who say you and H need to discuss your differences regarding “keeping secrets” and threshold for sharing/not sharing. Such differences can strain platonic friendships…not to mention romantic relationships/marriages. </p>

<p>Hope you and your H are able to come to a mutually agreeable resolution to this issue…even though it may take a while due to the possibly deeply ingrained nature of the ideas/notions he holds about divorce and threshold/ideas about keeping family secrets or not. </p>

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<p>Frankly, I wondered about that myself during high school and even wondered in my then adolescent mind if this was one bizarre way girls/young women use to aggravate younger boys or to otherwise “ruin their day”. </p>

<p>Nowadays, knowing my limitations in being an emotional support “therapist”, I make it a point to do what I can at that moment and refer them to friends for better longer term support as they have a knack for helping others successfully through such situations. </p>

<p>I’m the kind of guy who tends to be the one to offer “fix it” type suggestions when folks really want an ear to vent off for up to 4-5 straight hours* and find being that ear to be enervating to the point I fear I am not of much genuine help to them. </p>

<p>And yes, friends still confide/ask for advice on relationship/emotional matters to this day. I still don’t get it considering I’ve admitted to them that with my personality type(ENTJ…heavy on the NT) and limitations, I’m probably the worst person to turn to for such help though I will still do my best to help. </p>

<p>One came just a few days ago and was so serious I am currently in the process of referring her to a social worker friend with the background to better help her through the crisis and I’m thinking of hooking her up with an older alum friend who has much life experience in that area. </p>

<ul>
<li>It’s not limited to one gender, either. Was really drained summer 2011 dealing with an old college friend who emotionally vented for 4-5 straight hours due to stresses brought on by a combination of horrid unforeseen life circumstances, financial/legal woes, and some self-inflicted problems that was later found to be due to previously undiagnosed ADHD/EFD. Did I mention that he failed to take the hint when he followed me outside the house when I needed a breather which caused me to snap and to yell at him to “Shut up!”</li>
</ul>

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<p>They don’t, but I have to tell you, as a 52-year old woman, there are obviously some family secrets that our parents chose not to tell us that we’re now figuring out, and both parents are deceased, so we can only speculate.</p>

<p>I think what hurts is finding out this information from other family members - we found out my father was adopted as an adult (his mom got pregnant at 18 and the baby daddy left her) when he enlisted in the army. How incredibly silly that he never told us - obviously he carried a lot of shame about it, which speaks a lot to how he was as an adult; it would have never mattered to any of us (my mom also knew). It was my grandmother who told my oldest brother, who then told the rest of us. Then we eventually found his adoption papers after both parents were gone. </p>

<p>Yea… their right to keep the secret, but why do so when other family members obviously knew, and my parents KEPT the papers around for us to find.</p>

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<p>I’m sorry but I’m really concerned about you, xania. The fact that you have to hide so many things from your H concerns me. I truly hope everything works out, in more ways than just this.</p>

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<p>Teri,</p>

<p>i agree that in many cases, keeping secrets isn’t a great idea. However, in Xania’s case, the kids really don’t “need to know” about the marriage and the H is not acting rationally - which is why I suspect maybe a PD. If the H does have a PD, then it’s really just not worth the aggravation to tell the kids unless, as Xania posts, they really can keep it a secret from the dad that they know. </p>

<p>I have a BIL with a PD (BPD & NPD) who splits. We have to be very careful about what we say around him. And, he will do “pay backs” in the most unfair fashion. When dealing with a person with a PD, you can’t just proceed as you would with a regular person. A regular person will likely eventually “get over it.” A person with a PD may not…some will never “forgive”…some hold grudges FOREVER over the smallest (perceived) offenses.</p>

<p>Again, I have no idea if Xania’s H has a PD. There are just some red flags. If he does, then our “healthy” solutions won’t necessarily work and may make things worse, much worse.</p>

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<p>I found about my uncle’s previous marriage and that my aunt was pregnant before being married when I was about 10 maybe even younger. My mother’s side does not keep secrets and is always willing to share. Many other aunt’s and uncle’s have shared personal stories with me. It didn’t affect me nor my cousin who often jokes about it. In fact his own grandmother had the talk with him about not getting a girl pregnant before being married. It’s like a dirty little secret to his grandparents. </p>

<p>Now on my father’s side they are very secretive but did tell me of aunt’s divorce before my parents knew. They don’t know everything that happened in our house with their son’s anger problems (blamed my mother) and they don’t know everything about aunt’s divorce. Grandparents even went as far to offer to pay for the divorce if my father wanted. It greatly affect my relationship with my grandparents. I still have issues that will be resolved through therapy on my time. Today it doesn’t bother me as much to hear stories from the past, I’m roughly the age of your children. I agree with other posters about keeping it a secret from husband if you tell your children. If anything were to affect them I would think it would his anger issues. To this day my mother still tells us when to not discuss something with our father.</p>

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<p>In the “old days” certain subjects were kept secret because no one wanted to appear that they were giving “permission” for others (the younger ones) to do the same thing. When a single girl got pregnant, it was kept “hush hush” so that others wouldn’t “follow her example”. </p>

<p>Nowadays, many of these things aren’t a big deal, but there are still things that people keep “secret”. I know someone whose older child got a DUI. It was a huge hassle, but they didn’t want the little kids to know about it. They don’t want the younger ones to think, “hey, big sis got a DUI, mom and dad helped her out, she’s ok, so it’s really no big deal.”</p>

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<p>I, too, am most concerned about the H’s behavior - particularly the rage and particularly when it is causing dysfunction. It’s bad enough that a wife tiptoes around her husband - it’s worse when the children do too. That is why I would not make any move unless it is discussed in therapy first and there is a real effort (with results) to deal with the anger. If it had not come up in the past, leaving the OP unable to admit the truth to her D, I wouldn’t be as convinced it needs to be told. What if the D contemplates a divorce when she’s older and tells her mother again that she wouldn’t understand because she hasn’t been through it?</p>

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<p>I have a cousin who does not know that my uncle is not her biological father. She idolized her father and he is now dead. Other of my cousins know this information but none of the family with the secret know the secret, except of course, my aunt. We have kept this secret for over 50 years now, and it will likely remain secret to the end. There is no reason to disclose the information and cause grief at this late date. In any case, it would not be my place to talk. That is her Mother’s duty. Apparently, my cousin never figured out that she was conceived when her ‘father’ was in the navy and not at home.</p>

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<p>My aunt went to her grave carrying with her the knowledge that she had given birth to three children whom she placed for local adoption before her daughter with her husband was born. My cousin thinks she is alone in the world, even though she has three siblings and their spouses/children right in our local area.</p>

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<p>*When dealing with a person with a PD, you can’t just proceed as you would with a regular person. *</p>

<p>If it is this bad- and I have not read OP’s other posts- and agree we don’t know- making the decision based on Dad’s potential upset is not always the best for the kids. Or Mom’s relationship with the kids. “I couldn’t share because he might explode?” If she should not tell them privately that she was previously married, what else? What other tiptoeing? And what future impact on their own relationships?</p>

<p>Curious how romani weighs in on this.<br>
I am sorry for OP and don’t have an easy solution.</p>

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<p>The issue of “other live children” is very different than this one. Xania’s prior marriage didn’t result in any children. The marriage is not much different than just a “live in” situation. It has no bearing on these kids. They have no relationship with the first husband. </p>

<p>The bigger issue is the H’s possible reaction. In a prior post, Xania mentions very irrational behavior and also some physical abuse. </p>

<p>If Xania has no intention of ending her present marriage, and certainly wouldn’t want to make things worse, then she has to weigh the pros and cons. If she’s confident enough that her children can keep this information from her H, then she can tell them privately. </p>

<p>Even telling the H “during therapy” doesn’t ensure that there won’t be some serious fall-outs later. If he does engage in “splitting” and he has some weird perception of divorced people, therapy isn’t going to just correct that weird perception. It sounds like the H has been able to distance his wife from that “bad perception” by pretending that she never was married before. For him, knowing that “others know” will forever bother him in a way that won’t bother normal people. </p>

<p>Maybe in his mixed-up mind, knowing that he wasn’t the “first husband” somehow devalues him. Maybe knowing that his wife picked someone else first somehow devalues him (even tho she didn’t even know her present H at that time. Again, you can’t make sense out of nonsense with people who are irrational.</p>

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<p>LF, I said up thread that I wish the OP best. I have thoughts but I try to reserve it until someone asks for advice. </p>

<p>OP, I work in difficult situations with couples. If you feel you need help, pm me and I’d be more than willing to do anything I can.</p>

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<p>I sent my college boyfriend’s parents an anniversary card one year – said “Happy 21st anniversary” since that how long the BF said his parents had been married. Um, no. It was 20 and BF had never done the math. Not sure his mom ever forgave me.</p>

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<p>*Quote:
Around the time of my grandparents’ 50th anniversary, my mother finally did some simple math- and realized there weren’t 9 months between the marriage and her birth.</p>

<p>I sent my college boyfriend’s parents an anniversary card one year – said “Happy 21st anniversary” since that how long the BF said his parents had been married. Um, no. It was 20 and BF had never done the math. Not sure his mom ever forgave me.*</p>

<p>Only second children take 9 months of gestation. First babies can come at anytime. ;)</p>