<p>Lately I have discovered that the cycle of my life goes up and down based on the distance of next milestone events. </p>
<p>For example, I was so focused and energetic in days leading to March 29th, the SAT score release date. Afterwards, I was down and depressed ? partially because the lower then expected scores and partially because there is not another milestone event coming up soon. The AP tests, SAT II and ACT are so far away right now on the calendar. </p>
<p>I do see a big problem flying fast to my face. What will happen when both of the kids got into colleges and the next big event will be years apart such as getting into a graduate school? </p>
<p>During the depressed period, I get angry very easily. I yelled at DW just because she put my car wax in the place I had to reach to get it. </p>
<p>Thanks to years of experiences including 7 of them with GE, I could handle my job with relative ease. I don?t current have a good hobby other than doing this. </p>
<p>Is this normal among mid aged men with pressures from having both parents and children?</p>
<p>You focus on your own life for a change – with occasional, usually startling, interruptions by your kids.</p>
<p>For example, my son, a college junior, informed me a few days ago that he somehow screwed up some paperwork and therefore his landlord has rented his room in an off-campus apartment to someone else for next year, leaving him with no place to live at a time of the year when practically everything has already been rented.</p>
<p>This is the kind of stuff you will be dealing with down the line. In between such crises, you go to a lot more movies and concerts than you used to. ;)</p>
<p>Talk about Movies, I could rememeber the last two I saw - the latest one “bad santa” was years ago when GE gave two tickets for Christimas. The one before that was decade ago " a few good men" to celebrate something. </p>
<p>I also hate any social events - don’t really have any friends. Because I see everyone is doing better than me and I don’t like to be the poorest guy in the party. </p>
<p>I think finding your own interests, or developing current ones more fully, is the key. Stop living vicariously through your children; those SAT scores were theirs, and it shouldn’t have been <em>your</em> milestone moment, but your S or D’s.</p>
<p>Middle age is an exciting time, but less so for people who do not have their own lives to return to, after having spent years raising children. I think the happiest and most well adjusted empty nesters are those who never forgot about themselves during the height of their parenting stage. We are more than just parents; we are people with our own lives, work, interests, hobbies, etc. Time to cultivate those, Laserbrother!</p>
<p>laserbrother
thinking back to your contributions to the good? Lifestyle? thread as well as your concerns about your daughters excellent SAT scores, I would hope for you, to put more emphasis on things that can’t be measured in numbers.</p>
<p>What did you enjoy doing before you had kids?
Perhaps you didn’t feel you could have a hobby then
so now is the time to try something for fun
or volunteer, elementary schools need tutors and you will really get more out of it than you think
Or take up a sport- exercise will help relieve your stress and is fun!
take a class for fun- allow your self to make mistakes and look foolish
one way to stay young ;)</p>
<p>I agree - you need a hobby. How about a nice koi pond - the trickling water is very soothing and it’s relaxing to sit and feed the fish…My h uses it to relax a bit.
Or maybe something physical - that’s a great stressbuster/mood booster. Running, yoga, racquetball, tennis…anything to keep your mind off of college, test scores, etc.
Enjoy life!</p>
<p>Agree, you need a new hobby. How about gardenning? Try to think of each seeds as your potential offsprings and expect them to produce excellent results.( Something to look forward to everyday.</p>
<p>Perhaps you would consider addressing both the “outside activity” issue and the “social” issue by volunteering some of your time and your mind in an area of interest to you.</p>
<p>I’ve been tutoring (and teaching chess) at a youth shelter for four years. It is extremely satisfying, enlightening, and rewarding. And, in addition to tutoring the kids, I am quite happy and lucky to be able to socialize with them at some of their various events and free periods. Amazingly, most of the kids are actually happy to have me around! </p>
<p>Besides the pleasure and satisfaction that I find in the tutoring itself, this activity has led me into other new interests and rewarding activities, including reading college essays for kids on this web site.</p>
<p>I have read your posts and am wondering how to approach this helpfully. I think it’s good that you are starting to realize that you need to disengage from your children’s lives as they will be on your own. (You really shouldn’t get involved in their graduate school choices.) </p>
<p>An empty nest is hard - but it’s liberating, too. I’ve read your concerns about money and status and not feeling your job matches your capabilities. These are all sad thoughts and I understand you want better for your children. However, I wonder if you shouldn’t talk to someone professionally about your self-assessment. You have a high income by US standards - so comments like “when you are poor, your life sucks” are really not a good focus. The focus I think you should talk to a doctor about is your depression and how it may be coloring your view. </p>
<p>There are elecrochemical imbalances in the brain that can affect the way you think and see the world. That’s hard to grasp - when you are relying on the same brain to detect the issue. I think you are doing a good job of trying to reach out to others, but it would be better for you if you brought this to your physician’s attention. </p>
<p>There are many things you can do going forward in your life that are not expensive and that you will enjoy. I wish you well as you explore.</p>
<p>“For example, I was so focused and energetic in days leading to March 29th, the SAT score release date. Afterwards, I was down and depressed ? partially because the lower then expected scores and partially because there is not another milestone event coming up soon. The AP tests, SAT II and ACT are so far away right now on the calendar.”</p>
<p>Laserbrother, when I started reading your post I though YOU were the high school student! You are internalizing your child’s challenges. No one can face the SAT except him/her. Same with school, college, grades, etc. </p>
<p>Children are our gifts. They are not the culmination of their achievements. If you’re not careful, your kids will pick up on your attitudes and realize that what they DO, and how successful they are, affects your moods. That’s a really heavy burden to bear. I wouldn’t want to feel like my mom or dad’s happiness depended on my accomplishments. Yuk.</p>
<p>laserbrother, after reading some of your other posts, I realize that you are looking at the glass as half empty. That is a very unsatisfying and miserable way to go through life. $120 K per year income is low? A 2200 SAT is embarassing? I know if I tell you your expectations are high, you will just say that it is relative, so I will say this- your expectations are based on superficial things. Money and elite colleges.
You need to work at making yourself happy with the beautiful people and things in the world that are right under your nose everyday. You need to appreciate the day. I suggest you see someone, a counselor, who can help you change your perceptions and attitudes, so you can be a happier person. You are missing out on a lot of joy, brother.</p>
<p>laserbrother - your reactions to everyday “problems”, including attaching enormous angst to superb SAT scores, suggests a need for counseling. I sense that you find joy in nothing, and even what many people would consider crowning achievements by your children are viewed as failures and reasons for despair.</p>
<p>Go find a good counselor and try to regain your life via a more balanced outlook on life. If you find despair in even the excellent things your kids have achieved, I cannot imagine your reaction when something truly disappointing occurs. Perhaps you are depressed - a ver common and untreated condition.</p>
<p>If not for you, seek help for your kids who must feel enormous pressure under your gaze.</p>
<p>There are lots of places where $120K seems like small change in this Country. There are cultures in this world that believe a 2200 is lacking. I want to hear what people have to say from all outlooks.</p>
<p>Why does that get discouraged?</p>
<p>Laser, get a more fulfilling hobby though you certainly bring a different view.</p>
<p>Yeah, I took the gardening thing a little too far.
So I got involved with volunteer work at our local park. We donated trees and flower gardens. I did most of the work on the gardens, the township planted the trees and had signs made and installed them.
So now, I feel, IT IS MY RESPONSIBILITY, to make sure the trees I donated are mulched so they retain enough water in the summer. Would you believe I’m mulching the trees…by hand. I went over there and dug up all the grass clods, put in edging, and MULCHED THE TREES. Gosh, this woman really needs something else to do…</p>
<p>Berurah, I am a doctor, just not a medical doctor.
Laserbrother: here’s another prescription:</p>
<p>
</p>
<p>My prescription: when both kids have are off to college, sit down in a comfortable chair or sofa, accompanied by your DW (on the same or another piece of furniture), with each of you having a beverage of choice (I like port, myself, but your favorite - same or different for both of you - should be used) [a fireplace could also be nice], look lovingly and satisfiedly at each other, raise your glasses and say (with tribute to Berurah): </p>
<p>“CHEERS!!!. WE MADE IT!!!”</p>
<p>then sit back and ruminate about what you will be doing next. But don’t take TOO much time at it because, before you expect it, will come the first phone call that starts with “Dad/Mom - I have a problem” (See Marian’s post) and you’re back in business as parents.</p>
<p>Till then. you could always think about that scene.</p>
Something to look forward to everyday.</p>