<p>Had a good talk with her doctor last night. I think a combination of things has occurred. First, unbeknownst to me, she had stopped taking her ADD meds during break. I read on the internet that an abrupt stoppage can cause lots of side effects, including the suicide threats we have heard. Also, the doctor believes she is not bi-polar but that she may have some borderline personality issues, which makes some sense. He said a 72 hour hospitalizaiton would not be advisable or needed.</p>
<p>She also has OCD. Generally, she copes quite well with her limits. Performs well in school, is a leader of an important organization, has friends (although she is selective in her relationships). She is much better today as I told her to take her meds and get out of bed at a decent hour. So far so good. She is back to being in touch with school and working on her organization’s big event scheduled for next week. Sadly, we will inch along until she is ready to make the decision to pursue serious therapy. </p>
<p>No, it is not my stepson’s fault but he can lack sensitivity to what she is dealing with. I recognize the world cannot tiptoe around her but outright hostility is not called for either.</p>
<p>GF, by no means are all “onlys” self centered or indulged. But MANY are. My mom is an only, and also one of the girls in my scout troop. Both were extremely over-indulged, and are very selfish (one is 80 and one is 20, I guess many never grow out of it). But I think some parents are careful NOT to over indulge their only, and that pays off. Kudos for you, sounds like your D falls into the category of having parents who took care on this issue. But the generalization exists for a reason…</p>
<p>^Sorry, but I don’t like the generalizations. It is false and not fair. I have an only and she is very kind, generous and thinks of herself last. I know MANY adults and children who have siblings and they are selfish and obnoxious as any other person who don’t have boundaries and limitations. My husband is an only and he kinder and more generous than I am. My MIL one of three sisters, was one of the most selfish, self indulgent person I ever met. She had no room for anyone else but herself. So it can go either way.</p>
<p>“the generalization exists for a reason”… this has been used to explain prejudices all the way down through time. And NO ONE, especially not a child, should be yoked by a generalization. This is not even a generalization supported by any science. (Though plenty have been-- it was ‘proven’ that african-americans have smaller brains at one point-- by white scientists who didn’t realize they were unconsciously supporting their own prejudice.) </p>
<p>milkandsugar-- my H is also an only, and so very generous, also such a good listener, much better than I, who grew up in a house full of kids and had to shout to be heard!</p>
<p>I don’t believe in the stereotypes about onlies nor do I know people who say mean things about them. Some of the nicest, most compassionate people whom I know are onlies. Some of the most selfish people whom I know have siblings.</p>
<p>Milk, I’ve thought of that-- like Northstarmom I never heard people speak ill of onlies until my D went to school! But she’s heard it again and again (most amusingly from a father chaperoning a class trip who kept telling any kid who misbehaved that they were acting like an only child. D, shy in the corner as usual, was mortified. I asked her if any of the kids he yelled at were in fact only children-- she said no.) It does seem funny to me sometimes–its preposterous!-- but it has really been hurtful to her and when I see evidence of it now my back gets up.</p>
<p>I’m also the parent of an only who is compassionate and always puts others needs before her own (I actually talk to her frequently about the need to put her own needs first sometimes to make sure that she’s taking care of herself). I dislike stereotyping and generalizations period. As she was growing up, DD has frequently gotten the comment “You don’t act like an only child at all” even from other parents. What the hay? Who says that to a child? Sort of a backhanded compliment I guess… The first time she told me someone told her this, my reaction was “What’s that supposed to mean?”</p>
<p>RE52, best wishes to your family as you work through these differences. I’ve come to realize that most families have struggles at times with different personalities and life issues involved. Hang in there and have a hopeful and happy new year.</p>
<p>Sometimes I think people use the poor excuse of an “only” to explain away bad behavior and their “not only” children are not the same and are given better child rearing just because there are siblings around. It’s absurd.</p>
<p>I don’t know what sort of add meds she was on, adderall and ritalin are processed very quickly and are out of the system, but if she is on an ssri or tricylic those can have severe rebound affects and it could be difficult to get an appropriate evaluation. However I agree she sounds bipolar which has nothing to do with being a singleton but which manifests at this age.
Also re the older sib, sounds like they both have issues regarding their parents and place in the family and since mental health issues can have a strong genetic predispostion, I wouldn’t expect people who are ill themselves to not have difficulty in this situation.</p>
<p>It’s nice to find this little (tiny!) community-- like Magnolia I’ve had to talk to D about watching out for her own interests. And her friends will always say “well, you’re not like that, but in general…” But yes, I think some parents use the ‘only’ thing to shame their kids when they’re misbehaving, and then the kids naturally perpetuate it. It IS absurd, and can go over into cruelty. </p>
<p>(But I don’t mean to be hijacking this thread, and am so glad things are looking up for OP’s D!)</p>
<p>I reread intitial post and my lay persons impression is, a healthy young person would not behave in that way even if they had been coddled to an inch of their life. I think that her school should be notified and arrange at least a semesters leave because she has already shown she can’t manage her health by abruptly stopping medication and her behavior seems to have escalated over the past year. Since her schoolwork hasn’t suffered as of yet , that seems to indicate that once she takes a leAve to focus on her health she will be able to return to school once she is able to get appropriate treatment.</p>
<p>I wouldn’t use the instance of her being able to follow instructions from a parent while she is home on break as evidence that she has" snapped out of it" and will be able to take care of herself when she returns to school.
However I would also get a 2nd opinion because if her ocd and add were being managed appropriatly I don’t think you would have seen this other bad behavior</p>
<p>Like GF I don’t want to hijack the thread but the only discussion hit a huge nerve. My late mother was a very overindulged only child of older parents. I also was an only child and my late father was a MD so I’m sure you can imagine the comments I got. Because of my mother’s behavior I consider myself only child light. Half the behaviors, all the guilt. I do think that at least in my case I missed a certain type of socialization because I didn’t have sibs. I don’t handle criticism well at all. Being teased can also be very uncomfortable for me. I think the banter between sibs toughens most people in a certain way only children may lack unless there are alot of friends/cousins etc around them growing-up. OP could your daughter have any of these issues contributing to her problems??</p>
<p>OP-I was thinking your Ds behaviors sounded borderline, but didn’t want to get into diagnosis by internet. The rages, the suicidal ideation are very typically borderline. Sometimes those behaviors are shown to just family, sometimes more. My borderline sibling just graces her immediate family with these behaviors. Medication has been essential, very helpful. </p>
<p>Borderline has historically been a rather daunting diagnosis, though there have been signicant inroads in treatment for borderline PD these days. A book I’d recommend is “Stop Walking on Eggshells” by Paul Mason, which though written prior to some of the latest theories on treatment, is very helpful for family members in dealing with the diagnosis. Oh, just looked and I guess the book has been updated.</p>
<p>meezermom-- I too can be extremely sensitive --oversensitive perhaps-- but I’m one of five. H, an only, is impervious to everything! And D, an only, seems to have my sensitivity-- I really do think it’s genetic, having seen it develop in her. Also, I’ve come to see its good side-- we sensitive types tend to be sensitive to others as well, and so many of the great artists and writers have had this exquisite sensitivity-- it’s what allows them to see life in such detail.</p>
<p>If this were my daughter, I’d get a second opinion from another psychiatrist. I’d also be in counseling to learn how to most effectively parent her.</p>
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<p>In your first post you shared that she was disruptive concerning his wedding and you also said that their blow up was probably his “fault.” What you are perceiving as hostility may be a refusal to play along with the rules that have lead to this point. </p>
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<p>Your mother and one girl in a scout troop are not “many.” Data is not the plural of anecdote. If you want to insult my child, then at least provide the data to back up your rudeness.</p>
<p>Really not trying to insult your kids… Here are a couple of studies showing there is some validity to some of the stereotypes (not ALL kids, and surely none of the CC kids ):</p>
<p>Don’t know why the title above comes out as a user cookie error… but you still get to the study if you click on it.</p>
<p>Anyway, onlys apparently come out better in some areas. I suppose onlys also get the same attention as first borns in positive ways, and that could definitely pay off:</p>
<p>And pugmadkate, I am not trying to be rude. Your child and mine share some other important traits not related to number of siblings, and I believe I have come to your defense more than once against other posters.</p>
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