<p>My D is a junior in college. Her university is halfway accross the country, but near where her 33 year old half brother lives. There had never been any sibling rivilry on her part until we started visiting at school and needed to split our time between the children. MY D was not happy, made everyone miserable but life went on. Thiings came to a head this summer when they were both visiting with us and then worsed during my stepson’s wedding in the Fall. My D can be very self-centered showing all the effects of being an indulged only child. Over this vacation, they had an irreconcilable blowup. It was probably my stepson’s “fault” but it was the build up of many prior misbehaviors by my D over the past year. The holidays were unbearable, my D is being hateful to me and my H for not kicking my stepson and DIL out of the house (they were only here for two days). My D has been very agitated the last few days, alternating between sleeping and yelling. She came home from school very happy after a perfect semester but now she is saying she hates her life, wants to dies, etc. It is very out of control. I am a bit worried because of terrible sleep problems that plagued her in the past but seemed to have been resolved for the past 10 months. I am nervous about sending her back to school in this condition. I am running out of time (5 days) to get her to snap out of this. The kids have left it (for now) that they want nothing to do with one another. It will be my D’s loss as she has a much smaller family and group of friends than he has. Her stubborness is frustrating and self-destructive.</p>
<p>I am sorry for your predicament but it’s time to seek professional help for your D either at home or at school.</p>
<p>I fully agree but she is unwilling. At this point, given she is three semesters away from graduating from a fine school with a superlative record, I don’t want to risk disrupting that progress by withdrawing or threatening to withdraw financial support (unless I come to believe her threats need to be taken seriously, which her shrink here, who sees or speaks to her periodically) has always said were for attention only).</p>
<p>Unfortunately, even people who really are threatening suicide just to get attention may make suicide attempts that prove fatal. Always seek professional help when a person threatens suicide. Saying this as a former psychologist. Your D’s good grades aren’t reason to ignore her suicide threats. Your D’s behavior indicates some serious emotional problems, so professional help is needed. I suggest getting a second professional opinion.</p>
<p>It is exceedingly difficult to help someone who doesn’t recognize the need. I realize your concern for disruption, but I think the advice for her to continue therapy at school should come from her shrink.</p>
<p>Since your D is a self-centered, over-indulged person, her threats may be a way to seek attention or to get her way. Hope her shrink is correct.</p>
<p>However, it should be brought to your D’s attention, that even with her stellar academic record, her chances of being employed, with her personality, may be slim. Perhaps this may convince her to seek therapy.</p>
<p>Your D’s behavior at home sounds unacceptable. If she refuses to follow the house rules, you could refuse to let her stay with you unless she displays acceptable behavior. If she threatens suicide, you can Baker Act her – have her committed. If she’s trying to manipulate you by faking being suicidal, being confronted with being hospitalized more than likely would end that behavior. If she’s really suicidal or needs inpatient treatment, she’ll get that treatment. </p>
<p>I know someone who Baker Acted her D, who was in grad school. The D was enraged about being hospitalized, but it ended up that her behavior was caused by a brain tumor that was discovered during her hospitalization.</p>
<p>If your D will be home this week, I would make an appt with a family counselor and get all of you (mom, dad, child) to the appt. If possible, schedule a “double appt” or multiple appts within the same week if D is going to be returning to college, soon.</p>
<p>The counselor can help set some ground rules for your family in regards to home behavior, respect for your need to let StepS and wife visit. </p>
<p>Also, it does sound like much of this is because your D was an overly-indulged child, made worse by being an “only” while she was being raised. The combo of being raised as an only WHILE ALSO being over-indulged can create what you’ve been describing. (This is not a criticism of “only’s” - many are fine - and many kids with sibs are also indulged and spoiled.)</p>
<p>This issue must also be addressed. A third-party is best to do that - as an outsider looking in. </p>
<p>It sounds like she’s throwing tantrums and issuing ultimatums. Big deal. Sounds like she’s testing you to see how much you’ll bend to her will. Treat those like you would if she were a two year old. Walk away. Since she’s not a 2 year old, you’re free to literally leave the house. I doubt that she’s suicidal - she’s just being dramatic. </p>
<p>However, if you TRULY feel that she’s suicidal, then Baker Act her - as NSM suggests.</p>
<p>Stop blaming the stepson. I doubt it is his fault one iota. Be careful about labels, too. I wouldn’t diagnose this as “sibling rivalry”. The reason to be careful about labels is that if you buy into a wrong one, then you may not actually find a useful route toward handling the situation. Put another way, “sibling rivalry” avoids the strong possibility of mental illness at play here.</p>
<p>My guess is your daughter has some serious mental health issues that were bubbling under the surface that have very little to do with her half-brother. She’s probably a perfectionist at college and the stress is catching up to her. The half-brother is just the tipping point (and focus) of your daughter… but be clear that her behaviors are <em>all</em> her. I agree with most of the advice above. Set limits. Offer counseling. Realize if she has a mental illness that tip-toeing around her (which seems to be your default plan) isn’t necessarily going to be enough to get her through the last 3 semesters of college (mental break downs often happen when life is moving full steam ahead). Baker Act if needed.</p>
<p>You mention your daughter sees a shrink “periodically.” That seems to indicate some sort of mental illness that has been ongoing. So what information are we missing? What is her original diagnosis that she’s been dealing with already?</p>
<p>Certainly professional help is needed, but if that overture is rejected by her, I’d go on strike myself.</p>
<p>PIck up your car keys and leave her in the dust as she stands there.</p>
<p>Tell her you see no reason to continue making a home when she is so hostile. </p>
<p>You have 5 days to get her attention. Do nothing for her and let her know she started the problem. If she uses your credit card, suspend it for the duration of her visit. Stop first at the bank and get enough cash for yourself.</p>
<p>Since you don’t want to alienate your H, maybe both go to a motel for 5 days. Why should he suffer? </p>
<p>Let her feel what it feels like to be without family completely, and to be faced with attention-seeking behavior.</p>
<p>You want to reason with her and fix this, but sometimes the second-best solutions are counter-intuitive. (Best solution, of course, is professional help but she may not agree. If so, I’d suggest you go on strike, a second-choice.)</p>
<p>P.S. How serious is her current psychiatrist? Has anyone considered bipolar disorder here? To go from such a happy semester to yelling/sleeplessness; to disrupt or upset a stepbro’s wedding, sounds like she might mean more than talk therapy, if that’s all it’s been. She might need diagnosis, medication. I’d have a very serious discussion with the psychiatrist…while you’re on strike, from the motel.</p>
<p>Since the D is the one throwing tantrums and making others in the home uncomfortable, I think the D should be expected to leave unless she’s willing to follow the house rules. Your house, your rules.</p>
<p>Not a professional here, but just looking at it from a parent’s stand point, no matter how big of a disagreement with the half brother, most young adults would have gotten over it in a few hours. Another thing I would like to point out is her brother and SIL were guests at your (and your daughter’s) house. I would have expected my daughter to behave as a host. If it’s my kid, I would think her behavior was over the top. </p>
<p>If there is nothing wrong with her psychologically, then going forward I would not allow her to say anything negative about her brother, I would expect her to have at minimum a cordial relationship with her brother. If I feel there is something wrong I would keep her at home for a semester to try to have it taken care of (would you let your kid go back to school if you thought she had mono?).</p>
<p>It sounds like the disruption will happen–whether it’s you disrupting her now or her going out into the real world and not getting along in it.</p>
<p>My take is that the D has gotten this way over many years (indulged only child by OPs own admission). She probably isn’t going to snap out of it in a short period, nor are her parents likely to take a hard line with her (it sounds like they never did before, so why expect that they would start now?). It sounds like the D has been misbehaving for the last year related to this sibling, and no one attached any serious consequences to it.</p>
<p>I will note that it is can be difficult to get someone hospitalized even under the Baker Act if they do not want to go and are over 18. You have to convince someone with the authority to hospitalize her that she is serious in her suicidal tendancies. Even then, a 72 hour hold may not resolve the issue, and they may not keep her for longer than that.</p>
<p>It’s really hard to guess what’s going on from this one post-- but it sounds like your D has some serious issues which are coming to a head now…I doubt ‘overindulgence’ has too much to do with it-- she sounds as if she’s been a capable, responsible person up until now. Family counseling sounds like a very good idea (and much more likely she’ll go if everyone else is going too). And I echo annikasorenson re: labels. Something is wrong, and speaking of her as an overindulged only child isn’t going to help it-- it’s blaming her or blaming yourself (the overindulger) in some way that doesn’t make sense.</p>
<p>So sorry for your challenges. But I do want to be clear about something mentioned several times that her being an “only” child may have contributed to her problems. I have an “only child” and this behavior is not typical of that at all. It is unfair to make generalizations like that when the fact of the matter is that the OP’s daughter may have some underlying psychological issues. This is the time that these conditions manifests itself as young adults. Any indulged child whether there are siblings or not may contribute to this type of antisocial/behavior problems.</p>
<p>You need to work with the psychiatrist and be totally honest as to what is going on. I’m guessing that your D may see this as everyone else’s ‘fault’ and see no reason to talk to the psychiatrist herself. But that doesn’t mean that you should not get in touch yourself, with the psych or a counselor, as you’re facing a tough situation that is very hard to see your way though. </p>
<p>There is very good advice from the posters above. I have lived with similar behavior, and know how rough it can be. As P3T says, removing yourself from the situation might be the best response right now, whether physically or emotionally or both. I’m guessing listening to reason is not her strong point right now, and you may need to wait for the storm to subside to get to a point of discussion and reformulating some rules of respect for everyone in the family.</p>
<p>I just thought that I’d mention that your daughter is at an age where bipolar disorder often manifests itself for the first time. Your daughter’s sleep problems struck a chord with me, as my own sister experienced extreme insomnia and personality changes in her senior year of college. She went on to have a depressive episode, and had to come home from school just before the LSATs. This was over 30 years ago, and our family did not have a clue what to do. I agree with the other posters about getting professional help.</p>
<p>HotCanary verbalized my thoughts before I got to the end of this thread.</p>
<p>Sounds very much like the behavior of my bipolar relative, and OP daughter is at prime diagnosis age.</p>
<p>I did not read the OP’s post as “blaming” the son in the slightest His presence may well be a trigger for the D, but no one said it was his fault. </p>
<p>It is not uncommon for family members to behave quite differently in certain configurations. There is a member of my family who consistently picks fights and makes everyone else miserable when required to share her parents with siblings or certain others. Certainly this person has issues in general, but the behavior is wildly exaggerated in those circumstances. This pattern of behavior has been tolerated for decades. IMHO, the individual should seek therapy, but that will never happen.</p>
<p>That said, it’s clear that the OP’s D has more going on than that. I would like to remind those who advocate treating her punitively that people who are suffering from mental illness are generally in great pain. Yes, the behavior is obnoxious and even hurtful, but it is unlikely that the D is making herself and everyone else miserable because she enjoys it. The trick is to find a way to protect everyone else’s relationships and emotional health while making it clear to the D that she too is loved, but that her behavior and mental state is not healthy and she must engage seriously in therapy NOW. I’d venture to guess that withdrawing from her emotionally or physically in a punitive way will simply worsen her state.</p>
<p>I think that the advice to avoid labeling is very, very wise.</p>
<p>this is a digression, but milkandsugar, I so agree about the hurtful barbs aimed at only children! I too have an only who is as generous and thoughtful as can be. And around her she hears, from other kids and other parents, the kind of prejudicial talk that would be considered hate speech if it were spoken about a race or religion! How I wish that, before anyone said, “Only children are so…” that person would think again. It’s a prejudice, like others, and just as unfair.</p>