<p>Let’s back up a second. I think a lot of people on this thread are jumping to conclusions, and I’m getting the feeling that most of them are basing their judgements on theory alone and on pretty much no experience.</p>
<p>Take it from someone who was in a very serious relationship and then was put in a position where that relationship became long distance due to circumstances. I can tell you from experience that stayin in a “closed” relationship, as many of the people on this thread recommend, is a TERRIBLE idea. I have full faith that both you and your partner are committed to the relationship and would never cheat. However, I think you’re right in thinking that keeping the relationship closed would put incredible amounts of strain on it and create problems where there don’t need to be. </p>
<p>Let me give you an example from my personal life (as opposed to the shortsighted theorizing that seems to dominate this thread so far): When it’s a friday night and you’re out with friends and haven’t seen your bf in several weeks, you look around and think to yourself, “Wow, it would be really easy for me to do something right now and he’d never find out.” You don’t actually want to do anything, but the thought crosses your mind. Then it hits you. If it’s this easy for you, it’s just as easy for him.</p>
<p>The first few times you think this, you’ll just brush it off. You think to yourself, “I see the possibility of getting away with something, but I’d never do it. My bf cares for me as much as I care for him, he’d never do it either.” The problem is, the idea just keeps growing and growing in your mind. You’ll quickly find yourself devolving from a normal, caring person into a jealous, cagey person. Suddenly, when he doesn’t pick up when you call on a Friday night, you start to wonder what the hell he’s doing.</p>
<p>Does this make sense? You’re put in a position of incredible stress and the fact that you can’t see the other person for a very long time only makes it worse. You’ll start fighting over trivial things and find that when your lives are so different, it’s hard to have stuff to talk about all the time. The silence and the emptiness kind of expands and starts to consume both people, and you end up blaming yourself, and the other person, and then finally, the relationship. You start talking to each other less because you’re frustrated; you become more frustrated because you’re talking to each other less.</p>
<p>I think that being in an open relationship is a possible compromise, but I think it’s very shaky at best. At the point where the relationship is “open,” you’re kind of playing a game of waiting to see who blinks first. Let’s be honest. Despite the fact that the relationship is open in theory, you’d prefer if the other person didn’t do anything at all, wouldn’t you? You try to wait until the other person does something so that you can feel justified in doing something too, while at the same time, hoping that they won’t. Once one of you does take advantage of the “open” nature of the relationship, the other person will probably feel like they’re obliged to do the same, if for no other reason than to retaliate against the first. You’ll end up trying to hurt each other indirectly, and despite the fact that you agreed it was ok, it’s not really ok, and both people are doing things for the explicit purpose of hurting the other and “getting even.” I understand that you want to take this route because you feel like it’ll be a safety valve for the pressure and stress and allow both people to keep from becoming disillusioned; however, I think that this has a much better chance of backfiring and actually breeding a lot of resentment in the relationship and even the friendship.</p>
<p>I dated a girl for three years. When the relationship became long distance, we tried to keep it a normal relationship at first, and then we made it an open relationship. We ended up having a really messy break up. She was one of my best friends in the world and one of the most influential people in my life, and I can’t even talk to her anymore. I wish I had broken up with her and stayed close friends when she left for college. Then, if nothing else, I would have a great friend who I really cared about, and could perhaps start a relationship with again if we were in the same place at the same time. As it is now, I’ve lost one of the best people who ever walked into my life. </p>
<p>You need to remember that relationships are 90% proximity. All the other stuff just makes up 10%. People fall in love and develop relationships because they’re with each other in a physical sense as well as a theoretical sense. I think that, as painful as it’s going to be, you need to break up with him and set up a situation where you can still be really good friends and share your feelings with each other. When you both get back at the end of the year, you’re in a great position to pick it back up at that point.</p>
<p>Hope that helps.</p>