Opinion needed on how to handle work situation

Parent Cafe
1

<p>I’ve already gotten some great advice indirectly from another thread so I thought I would ask for some more opinions on the matter. Sorry for the length in advanced.</p>

<p>I work at a senior center, specifically, in the fitness room. I took this job to help me become more out going. You work by yourself with the exception the other people employed through the center. It pretty much forces you to be outing, and it is a great way for me to get some experience in the fitness setting. </p>

<p>There is an older gentlemen in (around) his 80’s who has been at the center for a long time. He is a really nice man, but he becomes very attached. I understand that he is lonely at his house, but he seems to know a lot of people at the center. He has no family of his own, only his brother’s. I can relate since my great grandmother pretty much is stuck in her apartment 24/7 but she is 98! My issue is that he keeps asking if we would ever be able to meet up outside of work. I constantly say no I don’t go out much due to school, and I’ve hinted that it is against work policy. My boss said to everyone not to get close, which I am not, but I think it is hard for him (participant) to grasp that concept. I should also mention my boss is not on site. He (participant) constantly tells me about when he was a teacher and he would take students out on trips outside of school sometimes with the parents.</p>

<p>I know, and I will be very up front with him next time that it is strictly against work policy. He really only comes when I work because he knows I will listen. Once and awhile it is nice to hear, but he has no updates and I hear the same stories. He has delayed me in getting work done which I have been up front about. Past workers, according to him, have always had their backs turned, or were working on homework, which isn’t against policy if all your other work is done. If I need to work on something, or a read a book, because it is slow I still try keep my chair turned so I am facing them, and I always greet participants who come, or as they leave I will say something.</p>

<p>Is there any gentler way of telling him no? I cannot switch centers for the fall because I am sharing a car with 3 people until my car is back from the body shop. (accident over a month ago, no rental from insurance) Plus he is a member with at least 2 centers. There would be nothing to prevent him from following. I am thinking of a new job, but I won’t quit until Spring because I do not wish to leave on bad terms. They are understaffed again so until he can recruit workers again I don’t really want to leave.</p>

2

<p>Firstly, don’t agree to meet him outside of work. Hold firm on that. When he asks to meet outside of the facility say no firmly but in a friendly and professional way. </p>

<p>He’s old and lonely. Older people have a tendency to sometimes be somewhat quirky. You say he tells you the same stories over again so it’s not a surprise that he asks you to meet outside of work repeatedly as well. When he does just repeat your firm but friendly no. Make sure you put yourself in the ‘boss’ position and the one in authority on this. It takes a certain personality and certain techniques to be able to handle working with elderly people in general.</p>

<p>Ask your manager for advice on it as well in case the manager has some experience in the area and if it gets very uncomfortable for you then possibly consider a different job.</p>

3

<p>Agree about being firm about meeting outside (it is fine to cite workplace policy). Regarding repeating himself, many older people have memory issues. He probably literally does not remember that he has told the same story over and over again. I think it is actually great that you have been willing so far to lend an ear and provide some company for him. If he were my dad or older relative, I would be grateful that he has made a connection.</p>

<p>However… you maybe need to put a time limit on it. When he comes over to chat, you could say, “Hi, Mr X! It is great to see you. I can chat for X (say, 10 minutes), then I need to finish a few tasks/study for an exam/whatever you need to say.”. Then, at 10 minutes (when he takes a breath :slight_smile: ) , say, “Hey, it was great talking, but I need to finish this up now. Have a great workout!”. Or something like that.</p>

4

<p>I suggest saying it with different language. To some in that generation, or all generations for that matter, “work policy” sounds bureaucatic and vague, requiring the addition of “strictly against work policy.”</p>

<p>Try saying this: “I can’t do that, it’s against the rules here.” Repeat that, but once only! If that’s not enough, add: “I could lose my job.” Say no more, no less. Then change the entire subject by asking HIM something. With short-term memory loss, it is less wearing (to you!) that way. Move the conversation along. If he asks again to meet out, rinse and repeat. </p>

<p>ALso realize that, with memory loss, each time you say something that’s negative, including that you cannot meet out with him, he has FORGOTTEN that you said it ever before. So, each time he experiences a little mini-rejection there. It’s sad for him each time. So if you keep that in mind, the compassion of that concept might help you deal with the irritation of answering the same things repeatedly. Memory loss makes people sad in that way. Short-term, but sad. That’s another reason to change topics for him; it’s a kindness to him, too.</p>

<p>Most people would never want to cause a young person the loss of their job. If he thinks you should risk your job over him, well, then you know the problem: he’s in his own world and doesn’t care about you in a 3-dimensional way. Rather, he just wants some companionship (understandable). </p>

<p>The idea of putting a l0 minute limit sounds good. Since you can’t physically move away from him (you’re in a chair, sounds like), you can give him that verbal cue. You’ll have to repeat the cue, also. If you can, find an object to place somewhere that requires you to turn your back on him briefly, to help reinforce the end-of-convo time. </p>

<p>ETA: If you’re quick on a wristwatch, you might set a 10-minute beep to interrupt you, and say, “oops, I’ve got to…[name some task that means you have to move away]. See you tomorrow, have a good workout.” Then you’re airtight professional; everything was work-related, although you shook away the customer.</p>

5

<p>Good advice here. I’ll add one other thing: I think that you should inform your boss of the situation to protect yourself from possible complaints or misunderstandings down the road. If your boss has already heard from you that Mr. X has become overly attached and has repeatedly asked you to meet with him outside of work, and that you have politely bur firmly declined, while continuing to give him the attention due to a client, you are protected in case the elderly man suddenly decides to complain that you are inattentive.</p>

6

<p>Any possibility that the older man is after you sexually?</p>

7

<p>Sorry for disappearing this a week. I pretty much had to run family members around, in addition to doctor’s appointments, and then work became busy.</p>

<p>I will def let my boss know although he has been MIA for a few weeks with grad students taking over his duties. I found out via school website he has been assigned to lecture a course this semester so I am assuming it is playing a part of him passing more duties on to others since he is a Phd student. Sadly, for me he is not on site so he really cannot “step” in. If it gets to the point where I feel very uncomfortable I can talk to the director of the center. I do want to protect myself in respects to my job because I clearly care enough not to quit on them when they can’t keep workers for more then a semester.</p>

<p>Today, I actually followed some of this advice without knowing it. I set a firm 15 minutes while I was working on another project to quickly chat and then left the room. I am able to leave the room as I have an “office” for assessments. I say “office” because it flooded last week so I have to share the area with the janitors who are working to figure what pipe burst. </p>

<p>Hm, I think the major part would be he is very lonely because I asked why he wasn’t having his hip replaced like he originally said, the reason was he lived alone. I can completely understand this, but I don’t know his financial and medical situation. I honestly do not know if would be sexual attraction maybe remorse for never marrying when he had the chance? He offered to give me his cell phone number for emergencies, but I said no without giving a reason, and left to go get the janitor. </p>

<p>I guess the hardest part is the wording because like some of you suggested I am worried he might try to say something to the director, or my boss of me not being a good worker. A relative works in a nursing home, had warned me that the older gentlemen sometimes do act like this. I decided to be pre OT so I will be switching my job in the Spring to work with autistic children. I will be informing my boss by the next month of my schedule no longer working with the shifts, and of my new job.</p>

8

<p>Just be cordial to the gentleman and dont engage in to much conversation. Do not divulge any personal information and remain professional. By you showing an interest in his well being, he may see this as an opportunity to attach to you. Less is best. Some of the advice here assumes that he may be senile, but often older gentlemen know what they are doing and play on people’s innocence and are hoping for some sympathy. Since your boss is not around that much, can you either call him or leave hima letter explaining the situation? Good luck.</p>

9

<p>He’s lonely. Never married means that in addition to having no wife, he has no kids or grandkids. His siblings are probably far away, unable to travel, or passed away. Ditto with all of his past friends. His world is very small, and you’re an important part of it. I’d be extremely surprised if there’s anything sexual or manipulative to this. He just wants someone to talk to.</p>

<p>With the seniors in my life, I find that more, short interactions are better than fewer, long interactions – better for them, and better for me. I’ve also found that it’s very helpful to end every interaction with a reminder of the next time I’ll see them. I think that many seniors have a great fear of being abandoned, so a simple reminder that you’ll be seeing them again soon is very reassuring.</p>

<p>So in your situation, instead of one longer chat, you might want to break it up. You could have a 5-minute chat when he arrives and then say, “I’ve got to get back to work, but I’ll see you before you leave. Can I walk you over to the bicycle?” And then get him settled on the bicycle, saying again, “I’ll see you before you leave.” Then after his workout, have another short chat and then say, “It’s been great talking to you, and I’ll see you again on Tuesday.” </p>

<p>As far as the invites: He remembers the Great Depression, and he knows the value of a job. Believe me, he doesn’t want to endanger yours. Be honest with him: “John, thank you, but it’s against the rules and I’d be in trouble.” That generation is highly respectful of work rules. And finish with: “But I’m looking forward to seeing you on Tuesday.” (And yes, you’ll have to say it repeatedly; that comes with the territory when you’re dealing with seniors.)</p>

<p>One simple thing to keep in mind is that old people LOVE to be smiled at by younger people. When you’re telling him you have to get back to work, or turning down his invitations, say it with a smile. It will make it easier for him to hear, and will send the message that even though you have to say No, you still like him.</p>

<p>And definitely protect yourself. If your boss is hard to reach, can you send him an email? This will have the added benefit of documenting your concerns in case there’s a problem later.</p>

10

<p>I will send my boss an email, and CC to the grad students who actually make the trip to the centers once a month. This way they are aware of the situation.</p>

<p>I know his brother is still around the city because he told me that his brother has been involved with medical decisions. I always try to keep a smile on because I know it makes me seem more approachable. So I will keep this in mind when declining any advances. In addition to this I will probably ask my supervisors to have new participants meet me back in the assessment room because I know if he just sees me sitting he takes this as I have no work to be completed. This turns other participants off from coming up to me to discuss something, or if they’re new they won’t interrupt to introduce themselves.</p>

<p>My understanding is he has talked this way with select past workers. They have to seem friendly, approachable, and in his eyes “pretty”. He has even gone as far to help past workers with homework, which I would never allow since I wouldn’t want to confuse myself even more. I guess I will just to have to watch what I say to him, and my wording. For me it’s just frustrating when you say you need to go and he won’t stop talking. Although I have just walked away when needed. </p>

<p>Thanks for the advice again! Hopefully, my boss can come up with something too.</p>

11

<p>He’s lonely. Anyone else around to set him up with for a good conversation? I know you’ve only signed up for fitness but somehow with seniors you end up social working also.
You’re probably one of the few outside faces he sees on any regular basis. And you’re young which means a fresh point of view and maybe a decent coherent conversation which isn’t health related. Nothing more depressing than a bunch of old people (even to old people). (And I don’t want to hear from all the old people out there on CC since this obviously doesn’t appy to you)
And yeah, the stories are repeated constantly because that’s all there is to talk about! No new input equals no new output.<br>
Is there another venue–some club maybe that he’d be happier in than the senior center?</p>

12

<p>He seems to know most of the other seniors already, and is always willing to help other seniors with equipment if I am not in the room. I could try to get the conversion to gear more towards the other senior instead of me, but I don’t know if I could get another senior over to where he is exercising. They tend to come talk for a few minutes, and go.</p>

<p>I know there isn’t much I can do to fix his loneliness expect for continue short conversions with him. I would have to do research to find any sort of club, or another center he might be interested in. Most likely he would continue coming to this though because he has been a member there since the 70’s I believe. I could be wrong, but from the way he talks it sounds like he is in the upper 80’s for age.</p>

<p>I will work with the suggestions I have, and hopefully he will stop with the offers of rides, phone numbers, and meetings outside of work. At least I hope he will lessen the amount of times he does offer. I find it a little creepy that he would continue on with them after I said no although I really do feel bad he is alone. I’ll see what ideas my boss may have in regards to this because I do remember him specifically stating that we shouldn’t become too close to any seniors. So I could be reading too much into this, but I am thinking there may have been a problem in the past. Who knows maybe with this same senior.</p>

13

<p>Be direct and tell him his comments are making you uncomfortable.</p>