Opinion on my College Essay?

<p>This is my very first draft. No one else has read it yet. Please give me ANY criticism you have! I want it to sound very genuine, so please alert me if it doesn’t. Thanks!</p>

<p>“Who exactly do you work for?”</p>

<p>Every client has the same question, however, I always reply with the same answer, coupled with a grin on my face: “You’re looking at him!” An amalgam of skepticism and admiration is written all over their faces, but by now, that is no surprise. I mean, how many teenagers own companies?</p>

<p>It was in the spring of 2010 when I was introduced to the confounding idea. My television club advisor approached me with the opportunity to film a wedding in Philadelphia, explaining that he felt I had the maturity, experience, and skill required to take on such a monumental project. Of course, without hesitation, I jumped at the inconceivable opportunity, a decision that would be, literally, life-changing. </p>

<p>I fell in love with the process. Meeting the couple, negotiating prices, capturing the moments, getting lost in the editing, and finally presenting them with a final product–it was all so addictive. The couple, as it turned out, were overjoyed and impressed with the quality of the video, and awarded me a kind bonus.</p>

<p>It was at this juncture that I epiphanized the satisfying sentiments and sense of responsibility that accompanies such a career. The emotions are homologous to a high; whenever I present the final product to a client, I get a certain rush, unique to entrepreneurs. </p>

<p>But I couldn’t stop with just one job.</p>

<p>I met with my friend Luke, a photographer, and we felt it was time to officially found a company, PITMediaGroup. A fusion of a passionately creative photographer and an innovative cinematographer, covering anything from a wedding to an electronica concert to, most recently, a promotional piece for a nonprofit organization looking to stimulate the interest of potential sponsors.</p>

<p>The capital I have accumulated over the years has endowed me with a sense of economic freedom, but also economic responsibility. The money allows me to reinvest in the company–more cameras, harddrives, etc., but more importantly than supplies, the money generates a gratifying sense of responsibility for my customers and my company. </p>

<p>Looking back, my endeavors in cinematography have not only had an effect on me as a student, but as an entrepreneur. Prior to PITMediaGroup, I had no real sense of direction in my life–I was apathetic towards most activities and did not have a true “passion”. That was then. PITMediaGroup is now. Currently, I’m responsible for at least two to three projects a week, ranging from wedding videos to news packages to sports highlight reels; The thirty to forty hours of shooting and editing time per week keeps me busy, and, coupled with hours of schoolwork, have helped to enhance my time management skills significantly. Additionally, my business has helped me to overcome my social anxiety and communicate effectively with a diverse spectrum of people. Finally, PITMediaGroup has given me the ambition and dynamism to create new ideas and run with them. PITMedia has become the centerpiece of my true identity, and a catalyst for my future.</p>

<p>I actually think that its a good essay BUT in order to make it great:</p>

<p>1) Use more imagery in your essay.
Use specific details that include the five senses so the reader can paint an image in their heads. You can use this when you describe how you feel in love with cinematography and restate the people’s reaction to finding out bout your company and for the last paragraph so the reader can visually see who you were before and who you are now. </p>

<p>Basically, treat your essay as a painting that the reader has to visualize in their head.</p>

<p>2) I really like how you used the last paragraph to show the influence the company had on you.
In fact, instead on talking about how the company came to be, describe in detail with imagery how each aspect of your life has changed for the better as a result of creating the company such as your social and time management skills.</p>

<p>Hope this helps :)</p>

<p>It’s sort of florid, and not in a good way.</p>

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<p>You sound like a pretentious snob. Because I’d like to assume that you aren’t one, I would suggest revising it to sound more natural. I mean, no one talks like this … right? (When was the last time you heard anyone use the words “epiphanize” and “homologous” in the same paragraph?)</p>

<p>Also, “harddrives” should be “hard drives.”</p>

<p>The use of vocabulary seems very forced. I like the concept of the essay, but I strongly suggest you take out some of “SAT Words” as they make essay read awkwardly.</p>