Hi, I need as much feedback on my uc prompt as possible because I feel like it needs to be stronger. Also, I deleted my school name from the second sentence so please disregard that.
Witnessing biopsies and surgeries, inspecting glass slides in pathology labs, performing vitals on patients, and observing preserved human organs is unorthodox for a high school student. However, I was able to get a hands on experience at hospitals through my school, . Throughout my high school years, I have interned at a variety of hospital departments ranging from Ear Nose Throat (ENT), to wound centers, to nursing floors and even family medicine. However, out of all the departments I experienced, the one that struck my interest and stood out to me the most was Pathology. Every time I walked into the lab, I felt proud to wear my trademark brown scrubs and excited to further enlighten myself about the medical world. Although biopsies are a big part of the lab, I did more than simply watch them being performed. I also partook in the process in order to get a better understanding of what went wrong in the patient. One rainy Wednesday morning as the pathologist was showing me cancer cells encased in glass slides, a hospital worker rushed in carrying a freshly removed gallbladder to be biopsied. The pathologists immediately threw on gloves and began making the first incision on the inflamed gallbladder. Instantly gallstones, which indicate an unhealthy lifestyle, poured out. I prodded around at the small spherical stones to get a closer look. As he made further intricate incisions, I saw so much passion in his eyes; passion that can only come from genuinely loving what you do. I knew then that the pathologist and I had something in common, our devotion to knowledge and helping others. For me, the hospital serves as an outlet for gaining knowledge and expertise through the process of helping others. These experiences have taught me that the medical field is truly the most rewarding and noble area of study out there, a perfect fit for me.
I like the subject matter but see about having it reviewed by a tutor or aid or English teacher at your school. There are some minor changes in the use of certain words that I would do differently, but that’s just cause I write differently than you, you did a good job. Perhaps divide it up into 2 or 3 paragraphs, create transitional sentences at the end and start of new paragraphs. I was taught not to begin a sentence with the word “however” and then the “out of all the departments I experienced…” I suggest wording this differently… Like … Of the many enriching experiences I have enjoyed as an intern at the (blood and guts trauma center and hospital) one of my favorite places to spend time has been the department of pathology. Some sentences can be combined as well. It is good, better than plenty of students but to make it as good as it can be work with someone like a teacher to review this, edit your statement, ask to review it. Again my writing style may not fit you, I’m just trying to give you something.
I agree that the writing style is hard to follow. Maybe it’s just me.
The flow feels choppy. You should get help from your English teachers.