opinions please parents of 18 yr olds about to go off for freshman year

<p>My d has been invited to go with her boyfriend and his family to an anual "pub crawl "at thier family vacation hometown. apparently this is a big social event they do ea yr. Thier whole family is going, all the relatives. Her boyfriend is 19 and she is 18( not of legal drinking age) But they are bringing him along with his of drinking age siblings and have invited my D.</p>

<p>It is held the last weekend before she goes away to school. ( It's only one day and night she will come home same night and still have Sunday to get ready before we leave Monday for her school.( obviously we will do all the packing the week before.)</p>

<p>The parents have even extended the invitation to myself if I'd like to join them.</p>

<p>She tells me his parents will be calling me about it soon.</p>

<p>This boy is very nice. He does not normally drink at least that is what he tells us, we trust him,they have been going together about a year and a half now and I have met his family a few times, they seem like good parents and I get along fine with them.</p>

<p>I know my d has tried drinking w/ friends before( grad parties and such.....I was not thrilled about hearing about this but I do realize it goes on and we have talked many times of drinking responsibly, she knows about this)</p>

<p>She says the parents will be looking out for them and I am invited as weel to kind of check on things and socialize with the family.</p>

<p>My D and I talked about the fact that when I was her age it was legal to drink at 18 and how I did have alcoholic drinks at parties the summer of high school graduation and at college too when I was 18.</p>

<p>She is a bright girl who has not once given me reason to not trust her or worry (too much) she will be off to college the week after this event and will have the opportunity to drink once she is there I'm sure.</p>

<p>What do you say parents? Let her gho w/ my blessing? Join her? Forbid her to go since she is not 21 the legal drinking age?</p>

<p>i'd say let her go- she is going to be faced with a whole lot of drinking students at trinity. the fact that she will be with adults makes it safer for her, and gives her a chance to see how alcohol makes her feel before plunging into it at college. and if you are invited to go, join in the fun- it will make you more at ease when you see your daughter sipping drinks responsibly, and not passed out.</p>

<p>I would let my kid go though I am not sure what a pub crawl is. For one thing, she is going with his FAMILY, not just to a teen party thing. The family even invited you, so it is on the up and up. The main thing, however, is that she is about to go off to college where there is LOTS of drinking and it is all unsupervised. Same with doing whatever she wants with boys. So, given that she is on the verge of entering that domain, it surely seems that this would be even more supervised and not a chance to do anything she won't be able to do a week later. Had it been during high school, perhaps a different story! In any case, go over your expectations, etc.</p>

<p>However, I understand your angst because it is letting go from the standards of high school or childhood and moving on to the next level. That is what it is going to be like for you when she leaves for college anyway. It is a big break from parental supervision and a move into independence. As parents, it does take some getting used to. In your situation, that time is upon you and so this event is really just days before she is going to be on her own to do "whatever" anyway.</p>

<p>Also, talk to the boyfriend's parents about the level of supervision or their take on the situation for the underage kids and see if you feel comfortable with their perspectives. The fact that they invited you implies to me that they see the parents as "overseeing" the kids in this situation.</p>

<p>I think that it is so nice and thoughtful of the parents to invite you along too. If she were my D, from what you have written here, I would let her go, and depending upon how well I knew his family, I would either go, or not go along with them. I am tempted to say that I would say thanks, but no thanks, and probably not attend, but then again, I don't have daughters!</p>

<p>I would let her go. It's a learning experience, especially if you are there. I think a lot of kids are kept so far away from alcohol that drinking becomes much more tempting than it would normally be. As a result, some kids binge-drink as soon as they get away from home. They think, "It's so forbidden...it must be great...I won't have another chance to drink for years...I better drink a lot NOW!" And binge drinking is what's really dangerous.</p>

<p>I'm terribly confused. In a pub crawl, in my experience (which is considerable, but dated), the group goes from bar to bar and has a beer in each... but bars don't let under-21s in, so what are the under-21s going to do while the older people are in the bar? Hang around outside? This doesn't make sense to me.</p>

<p>I don't get what the 'pub crawl' is other than to drink. If it's to drink, I wouldn't expect the 'pubs' to let her since she's underage. Even if she goes along as a non-drinker, if the family is all drinking at all of these pubs, it doesn't seem like a good environment for her to be in to me. What is the pub crawl in this context? </p>

<p>If there were to be drinking by your D involved, I wouldn't let my D go. Giving permission knowing drinking is involved is the same as condoning underage drinking. Parents need to set bounds. It doesn't mean you can stop her from doing some of these things but it should be discouraged and not condoned.</p>

<p>I would let her go, with or without you. Sounds like a community event, not a drunken bash.</p>

<p>I told her yes last night but just wanted to see what other parents would do. Today I was second guessing my answer but you have all put me at ease. I just may join them, it could be a fun end of summer memory to all have together before she goes to college. Thanks</p>


<p>So, using your logic, would you also allow (or encourage) you kid to try marijuana, meth, and other drugs for the same reasons? If so, at what age do you think it's appropriate for them to start doing the illegal activities? Would you want your D to go ahead and start experimenting with sex now since 'she'll eventually do it anyway'?</p>

<p>There's a difference between denying such activities exist (the approach some parents take) and properly and openly discussing it yet setting boundaries and not condoning the behavior.</p>

<p>I'm with dmd and uscd--the pub crawl that Villanova University students do every year in my town is as dmd describes--a bunch of kids having a drink at every single bar in town under the watchful eye of local police who arrest the underage participants and those who get obnoxiously drunk. I'd guess they'd arrest any of age person foolish enough to buy drinks for a minor, as well. I can't imagine wanting to do this with my kids, but perhaps your friend's pub crawl is different? Mystified.</p>


<p>I'm with Driver, dmd, uscd. YOU may wish to join in the pubcrawl. But if your D touches a beer, she'll be breaking the law. I personally would prefer to allow 18 year olds to drink, but the law is the law; whether your D goes with grown ups or with other other 18-year olds is immaterial. She is underage and would be putting herself at risk of being arrested. Of course, she could always opt to drink coke or tomato juice in every pub....</p>

<p>Sounded to me like the OP was deciding whether the pub crawl event was one to condone, NOT whether or not to condone underage drinking by her D. D can't legally be served in any pub. A family pub crawl seems like a social event with some imbibing by legal drinkers.</p>

<p>How about this? If the OP says "no", the D can legally go anyway. She's 18!</p>

<p>If this were my D on the verge of heading to college in a month (and mine is!), I'd approve. This event will pale by comparison to what she'll observe firsthand come September.</p>

<p>Goes to show that I have no idea what a pub crawl is!! I'd ask the parents what they were expecting the underage kids to do. Will they be going into pubs but just not drinking? I'd have to hear what it involved. Maybe it is some festival sort of thing where just those of age are served and drink and the others are along for fun. I can't see how these kids will be served anyway. Maybe it is a community gathering but only the "of age" folks go to the pubs. Talk to the parents going and ask what is involved and what their expectations are for their son and your daughter.</p>

<p>When I had my 21st birthday bar crawl for my of-age friends, one guy who came along was a non-drinker. He can't drink - alcohol makes him ill. But he wanted to hang out with me, and help celebrate my birthday. He just went around to the different bars and hung out with us, and had fun, but didn't get anything alcoholic for himself. So, it is possible to go on a bar/pub crawl and not drink.</p>

<p>I can only tell you what I'd do in your shoes. For what it's worth.</p>

<p>I would go. I would tell my daughter beforehand that she is under legal age and she will not be drinking any alcohol. She can drink the bars' rootbeer, and I will join her.</p>

<p>Side comment of a suspicious sort (can't help it; it was the first thought that struck me): In some states, it is legal for minors to be served alcohol in public with parental consent. Some states require that either the parents order it directly or order it and actually hand it to the minor themselves. If this family participates in this event annually, could it be that this issue would not exactly be unfamiliar to them? Just a thought.</p>

<p>Edited to clarify: I would go not to keep an eye on my daughter but because I'm a social sort and would probably enjoy that aspect. And I'm not an alcohol drinker at all.</p>

<p>I agree the D will be on her own in a few weeks. But I have seen enough of parents who don't supervise, who want to be "cool" with their kids, who condone behavior that is illegal or can have powerful consequences. Going only on a small bit of information, it seems to me that the parents described are in that category. Kids are going to do what they're going to do, but putting parental approval on it is confusing to them.</p>

<p>M'sM, </p>

<p>We live in such a state, and the state includes lots of vacation homes in small burgs "up north." With this loophole in place, I would assume that some adult would take pity on the under-21s and hand them alcohol if this took place around here. OP, you've already consented, so there's probably no turning back (and you may not even wish to), but I would go in with the assumption that your daughter will have access to alcohol. </p>

<p>After all, it's not a frozen custard crawl or fish fry crawl, also two local favorites.</p>


<p>I would let my daughter go. And I would probably go along, mostly not to supervise, but to be sociable.</p>

<p>BUT .... before she/we went, I would sit down and spell out VERY CLEARLY what the expectations are. If "no drinking", I would say "I expect you not to drink any alcoholic beverages." If "responsible social drinking", I would say "I expect you not to have more than 1 drink in any bar, and no more that a total of three." [And then go on to define what I think a drink is, 1 12 oz beer, 1 5 oz wine, etc.] Or whatever. Make it clear. Make it numerical. If it's none, say explicitly that none means none means zero.</p>

<p>I find that when there's any possibility that circumstances might imply that I approve some action, it's best to say right out whether I do approve it or not. I may get the eye-roll, but that sure beats the misunderstanding.</p>

<p>I think you should take them up on their invitation and go along. You really can't judge the situation unless you are there, in any case -- maybe the pubs like the extra business from underage teens, and offer plenty of nonalcoholic refreshments as well as alcohol during the crawl. Maybe not -- but you can't really know unless you are there. </p>

<p>It is also the last weekend you will have with your daughter before she goes off to college -- so I think you really should take advantage of the opportunity to socialize with your daughter & her boyfriend's family. You'll have a good time; you'll be there to say something or intervene if you think that anything inappropriate is going on; and you won't be home alone worrying or fretting.</p>