<p>This entire scenario began when my daughter was a freshman, my husband did NOT want to put X amount of cash into daughter’s checking account. So I called around and asked the neighbors, who also have children in college. I asked friends. I researched online. Then I told husband what I learned, But he just did not want to write that check! So he reluctantly agreed to the credit card. I told him then we would have a record of daughter’s expenditures and we could get an idea of what she was spending. It averaged between $600 and $800 a month. The first several months of school she brought home handfuls of receipts so my husband could go through them line item by line item. </p>
<p>Hubby wants to know her (his) money is not being spent on groceries at Whole Foods, but at WalMart. But daughter prefers to buy produce at WholeFoods, and she cuts corners by buying generic other items or big tubs of yogurt, not the individual cups, at SuperTarget. Also, she is not a heavy meat eater like my husband is, he likes a big portion of meat every night. So DD saves in that area. Another example: husband doesn’t want DD to buy coffee at Dunkin’ Donuts or 7-11. But my daughter eats a light breakfast, usually just grabs a piece of fruit from home then gets a morning cup of coffee from 7-11, or McDonalds (she usually goes to Dunkin’ Donuts during their Happy Hour for the 99 cent cup). Also, sometimes my daughter joins other students in making potluck dinners, that way they all contribute and they all bring something different home. Husband does not like this idea, he doesn’t want to “subsidize other students’ meals.” Too much nitpicking and micromanaging! </p>
<p>To alleviate this continued frustration, I said to my husband, why not just write the check for $700- a month (plus rent and utilities) and let DDr figure out how to make it all work out? From that $700 she pays food, gas, school supplies, health care (like tampons, vitamins). When she was studying abroad I put $$ into her account every month and she did just fine . I mean, she is 21!!! [Note: with the new banking laws it has been almost impossible to get a credit card under age 21 without a verifiable income. But now she is 21 she can get the “secured” type, but they have very low limits, not enough to cover her monthly expenses]. </p>
<p>Regardless of all this, the amount we are putting out is still LESS that what we would spend if she were living on campus, with the required meal plan, and 80% of the students at this LAC live on-campus. </p>
<p>Geez, I have no idea where my son buys anything… Although I gotta say, none of us buy coffee anywhere. We make it at home and use travel mugs… I was surprised my son was able to get a credit card at his bank at age 18, but he did. I believe he also has one from his other bank. He has checking accounts at both Wells Fargo and TD bank. We are not on either one. I’ve put money into his WF account a couple of times to reimburse him when he used his money for something we said we would pay for, but we can’t (and don’t want/need) to see what he’s doing.<br>
This might be of interest. <a href=“Best College Student Credit Cards of June 2023 - NerdWallet”>Best College Student Credit Cards of June 2023 - NerdWallet;
<p>But chicabuena, why does your husband have to write the check? Surely you have a joint account…</p>
<p>It sounds to me that this is about the micro managing, not the cost. I’m surprised that your daughter hasn’t found ways around this. Dad is displeased by Dunkin Donuts, 7-11, and Whole Foods, so I’m surprised she isn’t paying cash at those stores. Particularly for cheap coffee at Dunkin Donuts and 7-11. Even if she doesn’t have access to cash…she has access. She could buy items for her friends at Walmart, they give her cash in return. Sounds sneaky, but to my kids, it would just be preventing problems. Shoot, I’d just hand her some cash and tell her to use that to shop at those stores. None of Dad’s business. I personally would FAR rather my kids shop at Whole Foods than Walmart. Whole Foods doesn’t have to be expensive if you’re careful Have you walked into Walmart lately? Talk about a food desert of nothing but prepackaged junk food.</p>
<p>Dad micromanaging every little thing is kind of creepy. Looking for trouble when there is none. He needs to find some other way to connect with her, other than in this negative way. Your D may have been better off with a food plan, at least he couldn’t micromanage that. Is there still a way to purchase dining dollars, or whatever they call them at her school?</p>
<p>What’s wrong with Whole Foods?? Would he rather that she buy Cheetos from WalMart than fruit at Whole Foods? This is way too much micromanaging. A college student shouldn’t have to justify every expenditure (especially food) to their parents. Your daughter should be concentrating on her studies, not worrying about whether her parents will approve her 99 cent coffee. </p>
<p>Send her a check each month and let her manage the money. Even better, send her a check for the semester. </p>
<p>The potluck dinners? That’s networking, and making much needed contacts with other students. It’s not subsidizing other students. </p>
<p>It’s too late for your daughter, but I’m a big fan of living on campus. It provides, food, accommodation, a very quick commute, and the camaraderie and support of the other students. I’ve personally done it both ways. Shopping and preparing your own food takes a lot of time. Time that could be better spent studying. </p>
<p>Agreed that your husband is way too micromanaging your D’s spending and it is not typical for a college student. You might tell him you have asked numerous other parents and none do this. Deposit the money in her account each month to cover the monthly expenses as you budgeted for. The nitty gritty of every expenditure is not necessary for you to know as you already estimated the money she needs and she has some of her own earnings as well. If he is going to scrutinize what she spends every dollar on, yes, she should withdraw cash and buy those things that way. When we gave our kids a copy of our credit card, it was merely to know they had one in case of an emergency. But there were occasional expenses we did authorize such as books or prescriptions. They never used the card for anything we had not authorized without asking first. So, I can see the credit card as a useful tool for a few things like travel home or books which are not monthly expenditures, and are things you can OK in advance and have the student let you know when they have put such charges on the card to keep you in the loop. Since your husband agreed to the monthly sum to put in her bank account to cover her monthly expenses, it really should not be up to him where she buys her coffee or food as long as she is staying within her means. In fact, she is learning to budget her money and that is what matters. On top of that, she sounds like a very responsible young lady when it comes to spending and money management!</p>
<p>Well, obviously you already have figured out how to live with micro-managing husband for at least 21 plus years. Now apply those lessons to your D.
She needs her own CC in her own name (not on your account) to establish her own credit for later–it helps big time when she gets a job and wants to make some big purchases.
I’m with a few other posters–just side step dad by paying cash at the places he doesn’t like. He has a problem with money which is not worth fighting about. She’ll be out and on her own before any change occurs in dad.
Just say–great! I’ll take care of pre-authorization–Dad don’t worry about it.----“DD, all is pre-authorized unless it’s way out there.” She knows the difference. She also knows dad has money quirks.</p>
<p>I really didn’t want to post on here. But sigh, I can’t help myself :)</p>
<p>This is about control, plain and simple. Your H wants to control your D and by expecting you to control her, he’s controlling you too! </p>
<p>Your D is a senior in college, right? Has she worked in the summer? Does she have money of her own. At this point in my kids college life, they had jobs in the summer and were paying their own grocery bill and incidentals. </p>
<p>Now I have to admit I am myself not that fond of buying produce at whole foods. My D’s college had a famers market and she bought her produce there. But Im not one to nitpick, if my kid wants to pay outrageous prices for fruit, that’s their problem. When my kids were in college we were trying to control our expenses and wanted the kids to do the same. But we did not go over their expenses and make them accountable for every little thing. </p>
<p>But it’s not about buying produce or coffee or having potlucks. It’s a control scheme and about controlling all of the actions that he can from afar. </p>
<p>The only thing I can think of. Is your culture and upbringing from another country? I don’t want to assume but wonder if this is a cultural difference than most of us here experienced. </p>
<p>It appears most of the things that your daughter uses the credit card for are current consumption. She should be using her debit card or bank check for those items so withdrawal is immediate and should be covered by your monthly contribution. The credit card should be for non-current or emergency expenditures, e.g. major car repairs and the books at the beginning of the term.</p>
<ol>
<li><p>Your daughter should have her own CC (secured or otherwise);</p></li>
<li><p>AND/OR you could agree that certain items Books/gas/MD’s are pre-authorized but she has to call for authorization for things like coffee/food charges BECAUSE as geof said above she should be charging those items. That behavior (even if what she is charging is only .99) leads to bad financial decisions if/when she can’t pay the bill in full (as she apparently cannot do now). Food and gas (eg consumables) really should never be charged bc you couldn’t pay for them out of pocket. </p></li>
</ol>
<p>Even if there were cultural differences it wouldn’t matter. It is what it is.
Mom signed up for this (although it appears she didn’t realize it at the time) and has lived with it for a long time. Sometimes we live with things and later on realize the controlling aspects as it gets applied to someone else close to us. Maybe the H’s behavior has just escalated over the years and now it’s confrontation time for the OP
I vote for skip the confrontation part for now–just go around–cut dad out of the small finance micro-managing picture as much as possible. He is getting lost in details and it bothers him for some reason. It’s definitely a control issue but one he will lose eventually. But later. Trying to reason with him appears to be futile–it’s a mental block that won’t resolve soon. Save your sanity and try later in smaller steps.
If he can handle the big picture (x amount a month) for D which sounds like it is already happening then just “take care of” the small stuff.</p>
<p>Are these the only things that he wants “pre-authorization” for? Does he also want lists of what she buys with money out of her checking account?</p>
<p>While I think he’s being ridiculous, this is clearly a long problem he’s had and isn’t going to be changed overnight. In the meantime, it doesn’t sound like those charges would be that frequent. She could give her list of books at the beginning of the semester. How often does she go to the doctor? She could give a call when she has an appointment. Gas is the only really annoying one, but perhaps, your husband will forgive that one if she gets gas at whatever gas station he authorizes. If food is paid with the debit card, then it shouldn’t be an issue as long as your daughter stays in budget.</p>
<p>I do think if he wants to make this rule, he should be the one who explajns it to your daughter. It seems incredibly weird that he has all of these overly controlling rules but isn’t willing to enforce any of them.</p>
<p>I don’t think that it is wierd that he wants his wife to enforce his rules. It’s a part of control and wanting everyone to be on board. Sometimes in my own marriage my H will forget I’m not one of his employees. He has a policy and I’m the supervisor and I need to enforce the policies with the underlings. ;). </p>
<p>I want to make sure I understand this. You are paying all of her college bills…and in addition, you are putting $800 in a bank account so she can spend it…and allowing her to use your credit card for anything she chooses?</p>
<p>Sorry, but I have to say, this is a huge amount if discretionary money for a college student per month…HUGE. When she started college, presumably she lived in a dorm, and had a meal plan as well. What in the world did she spend an additional $800 on…lattes at Starbucks?</p>
<p>I think it’s time to give your daughter a reasonable allowance for the things she needs, with some buffer for things she wants that you don’t mind paying. But for all,the other discretionary spending…what about getting a job and earning her own spending money? It’s about time she did this, don’t you think?</p>
<p>Here is what I would do. Come up with a reasonable amount per month. Put it in the account. Make it clear that this needs to last until the end of the month. Review it at the end of the first month. Remind DD that the money is for things she needs, with a small buffer for discretionary spending.</p>
<p>The credit card should only be used for emergency situations. And really for those items, it makes sense to get a clearance from you to use it. One of our kids has a credit card that is ours. She only uses it for expenses which we agree should be placed on that card. </p>
<p>Both of our kids had jobs in the summers and during school. The money they earned was used for all discretionary spending. We also asked that they pay for their own books. It wasn’t too much to ask since we were paying tuition, fees, room ,board, health insurance, etc. </p>
<p>If you want your daughter to be able to budget on a fixed amount…like she will need to do when she has a salary…give her a fixed amount…not a credit card with a bottomless pit. </p>
<p>I think the OP’s daughter is living off campus and is expected to pay her rent out of that $800. Whether the total is reasonable to meet all expenses depends on the amount of the rent. </p>
<p>What is she going to be doing at the end of this year? What is the point of upsetting a system that has apparently worked OK while she is still in college? If she’s going to go to work after this year, everything will change anyway at that time.</p>
<p>Nah, thumper, I don’t think you do have the full picture. This is not a frivolous girl just overspending. She has her own earnings in the account, that she pays for her personal items with. The money to the account is for, “gas, school supplies & textbooks, groceries (no meal plan), medicine, doctor visits, parking pass” If you think of what you pay for books, meal plans and doctors visits for your kids, it probably comes out to more than $600-$800 per month.</p>
<p>What he wants to do is,“Hubby reluctantly agreed with me about depositing the cash. But regarding the credit card use, he now wants DD to call for “pre-authorization” every time she is going to make a purchase. This means getting gas, buying paper for her printer, getting vitamins or tampons, etc. Regardless of the time, he wants a call.”
And since he rarely answers the phone, he wants Mom to do all the pre-authorizations.</p>
<p>Though I think I would say, “Here’s your pre-authorization. All of this is pre-authorized. Don’t call me about it.”</p>
<p>I think I pay for much more than that when I consider meal plan, textbooks and all the rest of it. Sounds expensive when it is put out as a total, but if you take out the things parents may typically pay for like parking, doctors visits, meal plan and books, I’ll bet they’re paying less than $100 per month for the other incidentals.</p>
<p>Doesn’t this kid have a health plan? Aren’t they required of all college students? No, I don’t spend $600-$800 a MONTH on the things listed. When my kids used my car, they were responsible for gas money, not me. Ditto the parking pass. My kids worked to earn that money. </p>
<p>My kids spent about $1500 a year on books. Total. And one was an engineering major.</p>
<p>Sorry, but I think $600-$800 on top of rent and utilities, plus the use of a credit card is a LOT of money.</p>
<p>Although OPs husband sounds controlling, he may have a valid concern about the daughter not learning to be frugal. If she basically has an unlimited credit line with the parents she will continue to shop at Whole Foods and buy lattes without realizing how the costs add up.
Work out a budget with the kid and stick to it. </p>