If you want to be in your grandchild’s life invite the mother to coffee or lunch or whatever. Apologize for overstepping your bounds regarding vaccines and tell her you won’t do it again. Tell her you respect that she is the mother and will respect her parenting decisions and wishes. Offer support to babysit and let her know that what you wish to offer the child is the love and relationship of a grandparent. Let her know you’d like to know her better too and have a relationship with her. Maybe you can be friends.
Heck no you may not agree with anything she does and sure there are a lot of legal avenues, but if you want to be in this child’s life, this is how to do it. Think about birthdays and milestone. If you want to be a part of them, zip it.
Being divorced myself, when there is a child involved, a solid court order needs to be there when parents cant agree. This assumes paternity has been proven. Your son needs to lead the way with all of this. He needs to talk with a lawyer whose specialty is family law and who works with mostly fathers. He needs to do this, not you. As a parent, I would be livid if grandma kept trying to call all the shots and allowing her adult son to be immature and not involved.
I would apologize to the mother (please cease calling her “baby mama” immediately as its very offensive). I would tell her that you respect that she is going to make choices she feels is best for her child.
Shes going to make mistakes just like you did. I agree that I am anti anti-vaxxer but your son needs to ensure his legal rights are protected because depending on what state you all live in, he may have minimal rights now sadly. If he wants his voice to be heard with his child, he needs to protect himself now.
Asking for one could be very insulting to the child’s mother (i.e. implying she was sleeping around). Not likely to contribute to a good co-parenting situation.<<<<<<<<<
I could't disagree more. sperm provider wanted an abortion, didn't get a say. I think a paternity test is just good sense. This was a short relationship, possibly not at all serious. There is zero point in chasing down a legal rabbit hole unless there is proven paternity.
The son can say his lawyer insists on a paternity test to have on record (lawyer actually would likely suggest very strongly that this be done). Bolstering her claim that OP’s son is the father with a paternity test actually benefits Mom as well as OP’s son.
If I were in your (very difficult) situation I would encourage my son to, as partyof5 suggests, establish his paternity and custody rights.
In the meantime, I would set about repairing the relationship with the baby’s mother so I could have a relationship with the baby. I’d speak to her in person - if that were impossible I’d write. And I’d say something to the effect that being a part of the baby’s life is very important to you, that you recognize you may have stepped out of bounds with some of your earlier comments, that you apologize for it, and that you will not comment on these parenting decisions the baby’s mom has made. Leave that fight to the baby’s dad. You just focus on regaining the mom’s trust and on forging a loving, supportive relationship with the grand baby.
This may not be the ideal solution, but may be the only one, if you really want to get to know this child. Wishing you the best!
I guess I’m not really sure why @morrismm needs to repair her relationship with the mother.
Yes it would be nice but I have to say that the anti vaccine stance is dangerous. I do and try to be neutral with my DIL so to keep the peace between her and my son. But this seems different to me.
I do know several people who’s children have a child with a person they are not with. As far as I’m aware, the grandparents see the child when their child has custody/visitation. The grandparents don’t have a relationship with the other parent. Or not much of one. They are cordial but the father deals with the mother. The grandparents stay out of things having to do with child as that’s between the parents.
And I guess I don’t know much about paternity testing when there is not a relationship between the parents. But it seems that the father should establish support and custody, for whatever the law is in where he lives.
@morrismm, I’m really sorry for this. I can tell how hurt you are and how this bothers you. I hope you can find a way to have a relationship with your grandchild.
The father of the child lives with her, the grandmother. If the mom of the baby doesnt feel her wishes will be respected, she could use this as a reason to prevent the child from visiting the home.
In these situations, it is not uncommon for the baby’s mother to be the “gatekeeper”. The baby’s parents have not been on the same page consistently; the father has a lot to sort out legally and it could take time, as well as be difficult. Until the technicalities are sorted, there may be the chance that he could have periods of time without access to the child.
If I wanted a relationship with the grandchild and thought I could add something positive to this complex equation, I’d see a working connection (at minimum) with the child’s mother as a big positive. It may not be possible or desirable in every case, but if it could be constructive, I’d be trying.
Whether this baby is vaccinated is absolutely none of your business. I can’t imagine what made you decide this is the hill on which you want your relationship with this child to die or that you would entertain, for one second, that your son (the son who wanted the child aborted, let’s remember) should try to get custody based solely on vaccinations. That’s crazy talk. As for disagreeing on homeschooling, we’re talking about an infant, right? Expressing ANY opinion on that now is ridiculous. You raised your children; now let Lina and your son raise theirs.
I’m curious what your son’s opinion is on these different matters. Maybe I missed it, sorry if I did.
I have to say, though I agree that unless for some reason your son literally needs help making decisions these are sadly not your decisions to make or even to fight for the most part.
That said, even for the purposes of a grandparent and your vested interest, I’d pick your battles. For instance, does the vegan focus even really matter? Many families/couples go opposite on this right in the same household.
Homeschooling. This can also be successful done well. Also this is an infant and formal school is 5 years away. Put that away for now.
Vaccinations or non-vaccinated people DOES effect people around the non-vaccinated person. Family, neighbors, strangers. This is the hill I’d advocate to stand on. That and just having a reasonable relationship with the mother of the baby.
But as I stated in the beginning - what does your son say about it all?
I’m sorry to ask, but how involved does your son want to be as a parent? I don’t see this mentioned (or missed it.) This is more than being part of some decisions, then leaving the daily/weekly parenting to the mom. I do think we need to pay attention to what’s best for the child, the big job, not just a few select concerns.
Big big hug to you. This is a big situation and you’ve received much good advice here although some of it is conflicting. It seems to me that the most important decision on your family’s side is what type of relationship your son wants to have with his child. Does he want to be involved actively, minimally or not at all?
All states make you pay child support if the other party asks in an amount determined by the court. In my state, it is customary to have a court ordered paternity test if the custodial parent is seeking child support through the department of revenue. Paternity tests are considered a starting point here and no need to get upset.
Your state may differ but here both parents automatically share legal custody of their child which differs from physical custody. Legal custody means that both parents have equal say in medical decisions, educational decisions and religious decisions for the child regardless of which parent lives with the child. It is very difficult to lose legal custody as that is essentially termination of parental rights and very extreme.
If your son cares that his child is not vaccinated and is later homeschooled, he could have a say legally. I can’t tell from reading here if he does care. I know you do and I would too, but this one is up to him. Consulting an experienced competent attorney will be worth the expense.
The baby’s mother is new mom finding her feet. The baby is not even 2 months old yet, so is not really behind in shots. The only one given prior to 2 months is hepatitis b. Not all pediatricians start the 1st dosage at birth. This conversation has most likely not happened between her and the baby’s dr yet. Even if she thinks she has made up her mind, she might change her mind as she grows in her parenthood and takes the baby to the dr. Not getting 1st round vaccines at 2 months is just not that big of a deal. She has a right to take time to understand these things for herself with her pediatrician. If the schedule starts at 4 months vs 2, it wont matter.
The best thing you can do is step back and be adoring grandparent. You are not the parent. Homeschooling, vegan…those issues are completely removed from the realm of grandparental say. If a few months from now the baby still isnt vaccinated, then your ds might want to propose a compromise of an alternative vaccine schedule with shots spaced out over more time. (If the baby is in daycare, they wont take the baby without vaccinations, so it might never actually get to that pt.)
But at less than 2 months old and mom still living at home at 27 (that is another entire rabbit hole in terms of both of them), she probably hasn’t even come to terms with the reality that she is the parent, not her parents. She might be educated by her dr and start making decisions for herself.
Wait and see what happens in a couple of months. The angst may be for naught. If it is a problem then, hopefully your ds and the mom will have figured out how to handle things with each other and the baby.
It’s odd indeed but many single adults have to live with parents for several legit reasons, to save money, to take care of ailing or aging parents etc. Sometimes even married/divorced/widowed have to do it to get or provide help.
It does make one question why they aren’t living independently on their own like majority of us do but we can’t assume they are intellectually, financially or socially immature or not capable of taking their decisions because they made an unconventional choice.
It may depend on the state, but usually one parent has final medical decision making authority. That said, it would be very wise to request a guardian ad litem for the baby who can look out for and advise the court of the child’s best interests.
Thanks for all the suggestions and comments. Please keep them coming even if, as some have been, harsh.
To be clear, father and mother are still in a relationship and my son sees his daughter at least a few times a week. The baby and mother live over 30 minutes away. He has every intention to be active in her life personally and financially.
For the record, I have no problem with people who choose to be vegan or vegetarian. D2 has been a vegetarian for 15 years and D1 essentially is. She will eat meat if there is no other option. I also have no opposition to home schooling. I was just trying to point out the differences between the mom and dad’s views. I also know it is not my decision to make.
Maybe I realized after I wrote the opening thread that I was the one that needed to reach out to mom. So, I sent her a message saying how I heard she brought the baby to meet my son’s co- workers and also asked for new pictures. She responded quickly and sent a dozen new pictures. That’s a good sign.
Don’t think S will be up for a paternity test. He believes he is the father. His name is on the birth certificate as the father. I think it would also hurt their relationship. What would be the point of seeing an attorney if they are still together?
Of course my biggest concern is the child not being vaccinated. This will probably be my only grandchild, so I certainly want a relationship with her.
Another thing I did not mention. My GD is being seen by a doctor and my S goes to every appointment. But so does one of the parents ( ie other grandparents) of the mom go. IOW, it is not just my S and the babies mother. This has been the case even before the mom and I had a disagreement. Also, My H and I have only seen our GD once w/o the other grandparents being present. And that was in the hospital after the baby was born. The other grandparents, having been at the hospital all night, went home to get refreshed. BTW, my S was with his GF all through the birth. He stayed with her for 3 days in the hospital.
I’d probably start there and encourage to your ds that he and the mom go alone to the 2 month appt. Goodness, unless they are disabled intellectually, a 27 yr old and a 33 yr old do not need grandparents at every appt. It is probably hard to determine how much is mom and how much is her parents. They may be going to control the situation.
No way would I get emotionally invested in this. I would step back totally and just let it play out. Why does your DS live at home? Is there a bigger plan?Will they get a place together?
Based on your comments that the mother was brought up in a very religious home and homeschooled, I would assume that her parents have been quite controlling her entire life. Considering the infant lives in the maternal grandparents house it is not surprising that they see and have more control over the child than you do.
If they are that religious and I’m guessing they are aware your son did not wish for the pregnancy to continue, they may be very protective of their adult daughter until your son can prove he has good intentions and will be there to support his daughter. They may very well view your son as a bad influence on their daughter.
Hopefully as the child gets older the father will be able to take her to come visit you more often so you don’t always have to go to the maternal grandparent’s house to visit. Only your son and the mother of their child can make the decisions about what they will do regarding their relationship and how they will co-parent as the child gets older.
Being that they are very religious are the maternal grandparents waiting for your son to prove that he is a man who can physically, emotionally, and financially take care of their daughter and their grandchild?
Your son had a child with a woman who has a very different background than him. To have a relationship with your granddaughter you are likely going to need to learn to keep most of your opinions to yourself and show respect for the mother Even when you don’t agree with her.
Congratulations on your granddaughter!