This is physically and emotionally a very tough time for that young women, invite her for a lunch and treat her with thoughtful and selfless tenderness.
I don’t know whether this would be a good idea or not, but my Reptile Brain would invite mom and baby to come live with us, after running it by son of course.
Thanks for the update OP! So it sounds like it may be hard for mom and baby to come to your son’s house for visits, at least now when getting out of the house with a newborn is so hard. Maybe you could offer to go visit them? (With or without your son). I totally understand your desire to see the baby without the other parents there, but logistically, that might take some time. Or meet in the middle and buy them dinner; you can help handle the baby? I hope you get a chance to see the baby soon and am glad that she sent you pictures, and yes, congratulations!
The mother of OP’s grandchild is ensconced with her parents and apparently shares their values regarding child-rearing. She has very little in common with the OP, with whom she has already had words about their different parenting philosophies. Why would she move in with the OP under the circumstances?
Well, I didn’t say she’d want to. I was just stating my gut inclination.
I was just about to edit and say “well, I suppose the answer is always no if you don’t ask.” But it could absolutely be seen by the young mother as just a ruse to gain influence/control.
I think the OP will need to take baby steps to re-gain the mother’s trust and regard. Hopefully that happens.
Although things appear amicable now, they may not always be, hence the suggestion for an attorney. Even if he does not contest paternity, he may wish to have his rights spelled out legally in case of later disputes. He definitely needs a record of the financial support he is providing (and which he must provide) for the care of the child. Both the mother, and the government, can pursue legal remedies against him for support at any time in the next 18 years, so documentation is critical.
“What would be the point in seeing an attorney if they are still together?” The point would be that it’s not clear at all that the OP’s son understands all of the elements of his relationship to his daughter, which include legal elements that may not seem relevant or important now, but may loom large in the future. And there are things that may, in the future, turn on relatively subtle differences in what he does now. Also, the situation, as the OP described it, does not seem super-stable. There may be a little wishful-thinking coloration in her description, but based on the purely objective elements I would not bet a lot of money on the permanence of the parents’ relationship. Other than as parents of the same child – that’s going to be permanent!
As regards the question whether vaccination is “the hill to die on”: I find that really difficult. I personally have very little respect for anti-vaxxers. And I believe that if the parents of a child disagree about vaccination and wind up in court about it, the anti-vaxxer parent is going to lose 9 times out of 10, if not 99 out of 100, regardless of who has primary custody. But I think that’s the father’s battle to fight, not the paternal grandmother’s. At least not if she wants a good long-term relationship with the child, which in this case is likely going to mean at least a decent long-term relationship with the child’s mother.
Sadly, despite your best efforts, your relationship with the baby is likely to be a casualty of any future falling out between its parents. It is rare for grandparents to be able to maintain a relationship under such circumstances. Since this a largely outside of your control and influence, I second the suggestion of a therapist with whom to work through these issues.
In my opinion, your son needs to see a lawyer to at least make a will, or discuss whether he needs a will. If he has accounts with designated beneficiaries, he may want to change them to his daughter. Then the lawyer can give advice on other issues. Although doing my very best to keep from giving parenting advice to my own children, I did make sure they had life insurance. I already knew there was health insurance.
To me, asking the mother and baby to move in seems a gesture of love. But who knows how it would be interpreted? At the very least, the new mother knows she has a safety net, in addition to her parents, and that has to be a good thing. imho
Some lawyers offer free consults. I suggest he be proactive versus reactive. In the last decade I have heard countless stories of mothers keeping children from their fathers for months or years at a time. If mom and maternal grandparents accept and respect him as a father they should understand protecting his legal rights. The fact he is on the birth certificate helps but it doesn’t protect him fully.
As an attorney, I agree with the suggestion that the father see an attorney. If there is reason to doubt he is the father , it would have been better if he’d done that before signing the birth certificate. In at least some states, doing that means admitting to paternity and there is no need whatsoever for a paternity test. Indeed, in at least some states, once he does that he can NOT contest paternity. He should find out what the law is in the state where the child was born.
Assuming that he lives in a state where signing the birth certificate establishes paternity, there may not be a reason to do anything else right now. However, I agree that he should see a lawyer to find out in general what his rights and responsibilities are.
I’d also suggest that the OP see an attorney to find out the law regarding her rights. Laws of visitation rights for grandparents vary enormously. Don’t rely on this, but it will give some idea of the variance. https://www.verywellfamily.com/grandparent-visitation-rights-state-by-state-1695938 It may be advisable for the OP to press to visit grandchild now since many states that do grant visitation require that the grandparent either have had an active role in the child’s life or have made sustained attempts to have one. So, documenting her attempts might be helpful in the future. Again, though, see an attorney in the state where the child resides.
ok, I have some sneaky suggestions.
If you can afford it, pay for an apartment for your son to live in with girlfriend and baby.
Ask son to offer you as a babysitter whenever mom needs it. (have you had an ok relationship with the mom before the pregnancy?)
Offer to take her out to lunch, it’s boring being a new mom with only a baby to talk to all day, and just be generally nice to her. Take her shopping, hold the baby so she can try on clothes, new moms often don’t feel good about themselves. Take her to get a massage, mani/pedi, etc and hold baby while she gets a little break. These things can all serve to build a relationship with her.
I strongly disagree with the people who have said vaxing is an issue they would stick on. As I said I know several anti-vaxers. There is ZERO chance of persuading them to change their minds. The people I know firmly believe that they are protecting their kids and that people who vax are the ones endangering their kids. I don’t want to get into it here but it does not rise to the level of abuse that people are conjuring up. All the non vaxed kids I know are in their teens and super healthy. You never know, the kid could grow up and get themselves vaxed. Be a good grandma (which means keeping your opinions to yourself) and you just might win the opinion war in the end.
My ex sil didn’t want to vaccinate but finally agreed to space them out. Things can change.
I’m glad that you got new photos and that your son is involved in the baby’s life. Hopefully you will have a great relationship with your GB!
Agree with Jonri’s suggestion to document, document, document. At the moment, the mom could move out of state-- thousands of miles away, and then the 30 minute drive would seem like a trivial inconvenience. The parents could break up, the mom could end up marrying someone else in a few years, and then what?
If the father wants to be a dad and to be in the baby’s life, the time to get cracking is now. Keep receipts- every package of diapers, every trip to Target to buy stuff for the baby, cancelled checks. Consult a lawyer and find out what the options are in your state. And if the parents are still “together”, and plan to parent together, and are in a real relationship- why aren’t they raising the baby together under the same roof?
The vaccination issue may sort itself out. The biggest pediatric practice in my town announced last year that they will not allow unvaccinated children into the practice. So you either get with the program, or find another physician. Yes- they lost a few families who were pretty militant. But that “encouraged” a lot of the “we think vaccines are dangerous but we’re not sure why” camp to just suck it up and get the kids vaccinated. And since my state is contemplating getting rid of the religious exemption for vaccines (the only “out” if you ever want your kid in a publicly run athletic program, summer camp, public school, etc. is going to be a medical exemption) that’s going to push a lot more families into the vaccine camp. Even the militant homeschoolers want their kids to have the option of basketball camp or the town soccer league!
Since you imagine this to be perhaps your only grandchild, and your son is seemingly very involved, and he and the mother are still in a relationship…
I agree with supporting and helping them to live together, and then do your best to help make it all work out (unless there is something going on that isn’t obvious here)
Also, other than on a confidential message board, I would never again mention your son encouraged an abortion. (and probably you have been very careful not to do this in real life) With any luck, your granddaughter never finds that out. Just my humble pro-choice opinion
good luck!
I agree with the suggestions to consult a lawyer.
IMO, this falls under “You might not know what you don’t know.”
Is there any indication that the baby’s mom wants to move out of her parents home? That she wants to move in with baby’s dad?
IMO it’s just as “not ok” to push a relationship that isn’t at the point of co-living - baby or not.
I again ask, why does the baby’s dad - your son - want?
If your goal is to have a relationship with your grandchild, I would advise you to just love on your son, his girlfriend, and your grandchild, and keep all advice and opinions to yourself. If your son and his GF remain together, anything you say or do right now (suggesting an attorney, encouraging her to move out, etc.) can be used against you - meaning, she could become bitter about these things and keep son and grandchild away from you. I am sorry you’re this position. I’m sure it is hard. Probably the best thing you can do is keep your mouth shut and show love. See your grandchild however you can, even if the other grandparents are present.
Ok. I’ll chime in with a suggestion. You clearly would like to see the little one more often. Perhaps have a standing - dinner at your home every Wednesday (or any other day) with the mother, baby and your son. This would help establish a family connection and develop relationships.