So my son went to the University of Arizona out of high school. It seemed as though he was doing okay because he had a lot of friends since he was pledging at the top fraternity there. Then he began to tell us how he hated the school’s focus on greek life and he eventually dropped the fraternity. He was not able to handle the “hazing” and did not want to be a social outcast so he decided to leave the school and come back home to LA after just one semester at U of A.
He enrolled in the local CC and would attend until he figured out where he wanted to go next. After one semester we narrowed down the search to University of San Francisco and Ohio State (I know, pretty different schools). We visited both schools and he decided that Ohio State was the way to go, which I thought was odd because it is very similar to U of A. Anyway, we paid the non-refundable deposit to commit to Ohio State, but then at the very last minute he had doubts and changed his mind. He was fearful of the hazing that his friend told him would occur at Ohio State, so we had to pull the plug and enroll at U of SF. He has now been there for 3 months and had been complaining non-stop that he has no friends there and he is really sad. He suffers from anxiety regularly.
He is now telling us that he wants to transfer to Claremont McKenna since he visited a friend there in high school and enjoyed it. He is 20 years old and we can’t keep letting him transfer. What should we do?
I would tell him calmly “You’ve never spent more than a semester at any of the three schools you’ve attended. Considering transferring to a fourth makes no sense to me. You need to address your anxiety issues first. You can sign up to see a counselor/therapist while you continue at U of SF (and that way also giving yourself more of a chance to meet people and make friends) or by taking a year off school altogether to get counseling and to figure out what it is exactly you want or need from a school. But transferring right now seems to me a waste of time and money. The problems seem to be rooted with you - your psyche and expectations - and not the various schools.”
I agree with katliamom…get the anxiety under control. My DD has anxiety and medication has helped GREATLY.
Also ask him what is he doing to make friends besides fraternities?
I hope you recognize that the hazing concern was just an excuse–the simple way to avoid hazing is to not join a frat. So clearly there’s a lot more going on here. I co-sign with everything @katliamom said. This is the age where mental issues can come to the fore. Deal with those first so your son has a solid foundation to work from in the future.The issue is not transferring–it’s his mental state.
Oh, OP, that’s really rough . . .I’m no expert, but my physician husband has expressed to me that late adolescence is the time when mental illness often shows up, especially in boys, so I totally would explore this situation with a medical professional.
One of my Ds has anxiety, medication has helped greatly. I’m not saying it’s the only solution, but it should be presented as an option. He needs to speak to a member of the counseling staff. His reasons for not wanting to attend OSU were easily avoidable and most likely an excuse. It’s definitely him not willing to let himself enjoy the schools, and trying to find an issue with every school. There’s definitely a bigger issue going on here that needs to be addressed.
He is at a point where residence requirements for a degree might become an issue. By the time you enter your Junior year, you need to make a commitment to the school and degree.
Search for schools with out Frats or very low attendance to frats and get rid of the anxiety producer. I put into schools without frats into this link to help.
My suggestion is that if he doesn’t want to stay at U Of SF, his next college should be one back home, so that he can have the safety net of his family and a good therapist/psychiatrist while going to school.
I’m not sure it’s a mental health issue. Perhaps he just really doesn’t want to go to college at all. Have you suggested he come home and find a job? Not all kids go to college. Maybe a couple years in the workforce would be better for him.
One of mine came home, worked for a year, continued to work while doing community college, and then transferred to an “adult learner” program done online and on campus, while she continued to live at home and work. Next step this year was sharing an apartment with friends nearby The majority of college students these days are not doing the traditional residential thing. There are many paths possible.
Since most of his social contacts seem to have been with those involved with fraternities, his reason for leaving makes sense to me. If he stayed and tried to make social contacts outside of the fraternity world, in that first year, things might have improved. Perhaps that is where the anxiety came in: it is hard to have the patience to be lonely while waiting to make friends- it can take a long time to build a social network without the artificial structure of the frats. Loneliness is a big big problem for many students and I sympathize with him. Add in pressures of school with noone to vent to, and it can be very painful.
Now, as a transfer, he has missed the freshman orientation period and that initial period when kids make the bonds that will sustain them for awhile, so he ends up in a difficult situation there too.
Having family and old friends nearby may help. I don’t know if he has friends near home going to, for instance, a community or state college. There are also a number of very good online schools that offer degrees or at least the chance to progress. Schools vary in the amount of transfer credit they will take, between 75 and 90 generally, so he still has some time before the residency requirement kicks in.
Medication may help. I do think his issues are valid, at least in his experience, and that anxiety would make things worse but might not be the root cause. If anxiety is severe though, a therapist and psychiatrist or other prescriber would help, as would exercise, yoga, etc. Good luck!
Thanks for all the input guys! I don’t think him coming home is a great idea because he becomes incredibly dependent on us financially and he just hangs out with his other friends that don’t do much with their lives. He has never had a job and has no motivation to do so. I really just hope he sticks this school out and doesn’t cause us any more heartache.
We spent too much time spoiling him when he was in high school and we are now paying the price…
Anxiety is not the result of spoiling him, mommaknowsbest. Anxiety is a psychological disorder which is very often treatable with therapy and drugs (and maturing a bit). Please don’t dismiss it; odds are your son will conitnue to flounder and you will regret not helping him sooner.
Some kids only get motivated to get jobs and become financially independent when parents insist on it. I guess I would give him the following choices:
Stay at his current college
Move home and attend a college within commuting distance
Take time off from school, find a job, and get his own place
I would not make coming home and crashing on the couch an option. I’d also make it clear how many semesters of college you are willing to foot the bill for, and that he is on his own after that if he doesn’t get his degree. It sounds like he has futzed around and won’t finish in 4 years, but I’d seriously consider capping him at 10 semesters.
I would make getting and maintaining treatment for his anxiety disorder a top priority in any of those situations, though.
He can only be incredibly dependent on you financially if you allow him to be. There’s no reason he can’t work and commute to school from home at the same time. If he chooses to come home, let him know in no uncertain terms that he needs to get a job and earn his own spending money.