I know what OP means about mediocrity and lack of understanding for those who want to spread their wings. A friend lives in such an area, a small town in a rural part of a rural state, where the student who went to the state flagship raised eyebrows and is looked on as the hard-to-emulate role model. Going out of state doesn’t even occur to most of the locals, and having an ambition to attend an elite school is, well, just plain weird.
It’s not easy to be a “different” kid in such an environment. Kudos to OP for supporting her unusual daughter and her dreams to live a richer life of greater opportunities beyond the confines of her home town/area/state.
Singleparent1, when you say you are trying to ‘rise above’ how do you think others should feel about that? Like they are beneath you? That you want to be above them? Better than them?
Why can’t you just make another choice without putting others in a lower class?
Congratulations to your daughter. My daughter is choosing a school that very few people in our area send their kids to. Sometimes people will act surprised that she isn’t going with the more local choice, but if we just say that our daughter chose the school and we are all excited about it, people generally think that’s nice for our daughter. The completely truthful answer is that we toured the more local choice and we thought it wasn’t nearly as good as where she is choosing to go. However, we’d never say that. What we’re saying is enough.
twoinanddone-that’s what’s been nagging at me throughout this thread. The most brilliant person I’ve ever met went to our state flagship for undergrad, his MD as well as a Ph.D in neurology. He is now doing research at on of the top research hospitals in the world. My ex turned down MIT for a different state flagship and managed to help build the internet and now works at a place we’re all familiar with. The idea that people like this are somehow “less than” because they chose to stay closer to home is off-putting. There are also many, many reasons people choose to stay local-as we’ve seen countless times on this board-finances, travel distance, family obligations, even a simple wish to be close to home. None of these are reasons to look down one’s nose at people who do this.
I know how you feel. Raising a gifted child can be a very lonely experience. Most people don’t want to hear you talk about your kid because they think you’re bragging. Congrats to your daughter. Cornell is awesome!
I’ll just give a little anecdote. My DH and I both went to pretty selective private colleges. We saved and saved and were able to send our kids to the same. That’s our choice. Anyway, while my DD was doing an interview for a college senior year of HS, I was killing time, and was shopping at the CVS. As I walked out, I was approached by an older lady who (I guess thought I looked very safe) asked me if I’d be willing to drive her back to her retirement condo, a mile or so away. I said sure, and as I drove her, I said why I was killing time, that my daughter was interviewing at a (small LAC out-of-state). She just said “why would she go to an out of state school?” We never even applied to any in-state public schools, so in-state, out-of-state was meaningless to us, they only applied to private (NYS public are not in the same league as some other states). There just can be this very different mindset.
Our family lives in a Midwest, rust belt city. However, our experiences with college applications were quite different. The teachers and counselors at our diverse, urban – ok, mediocre – high school were nothing but supportive of students that wanted to stretch their wings, as they were of the majority of students whose finances or family circumstances dictated that they stay close to home.
As a family we worked not to have daughters view classmates choices as small minded and provincial. Their cosmopolitan lifestyle was a privilege. I hope they value it and the educational opportunities available to them. And it would be a great gift if settled nearby and helped make our community an even better place to live.
G-d, what fate could be worse than going to state school and being happy among those dull, stupid mediocre peasants? How dare they tell your D of such terrible fates!
Well, @sunseeker, I found your post really refreshing. I live in an area where everyone thinks the Ivies are the be-all, end-all of everything. People here think it’s weird not to try for a “top” school, even if your kid is sure he’d be happier at a small LAC people here haven’t heard of. The people I most respect are those who let their kids take the lead in this decision, as you have done.
I guess I don’t understand why you live where you do, singlemom1, if all you want to do is escape, to find better people to associate with. Why not go live among your own kind?
I don’t think those people I lived among were jealous of my sister or wanted her to go to a state school (where she ended up) or wanted to go themselves to an LAC or Harvard. They were happy where they were. They liked their schools and neighbors and life in general. My coworker who started at state school, living at home, then MIT, Harvard Law returned to the mid west. He liked it too. He wanted his kids to grow up there.
I’m happy for OP ’ S daughter, but not jealous nor do I feel sorry for her classmates who will be at more local schools; I’m sure they’ll be happy too. Everyone wins. I think OP should be proud of the opportunity her daughter has, but not feel others are jealous of her success.
We taught our kids to make their own path. Consequently, they represent an alternative to mediocrity and other kids do follow the lead. They just need an example to be set.
singleparent, you really sound extremely condescending.
I spent the better part of my life in an old, run-down suburb of Detroit. None of my close childhood friends went beyond the local state school but they’re all doing fine. They all supported me when I wanted to go above and beyond with education.
Perhaps you really do happen to live in a close-minded town. Or, perhaps your distaste for your neighbors is apparent and that clouds their view of you and thus creates a negative cycle of a poor relationship.
JoanneB said:
I know how you feel. Raising a gifted child can be a very lonely experience. Most people don’t want to hear you talk about your kid because they think you’re bragging. Congrats to your daughter. Cornell is awesome!
(I don’t know how to do the quote thing right.)
@JoanneB - That’s it exactly! I never even knew she was gifted until 7th grade and it explained so much. I read all I could about gifted kids and learned about their intensities, passions, how difficult they are to live with sometimes. She sees and feels things more deeply than anyone I know and can’t just “let things go” or do a mental gloss-over like most people can. The intelligence is only one aspect of giftedness. It’s a whole package and a lot of it is not fun. The outside world just sees the grades, test scores, accomplishments and assumes everything is easy for this one. So not the case - high school has been very difficult emotionally and because it is not easy to outthink everyone you know, especially teachers when they have power over you.
You can’t even say the word “gifted” to people. You can’t talk about the good things because you always feel like you’re bragging. You can’t talk about the challenges because no one understands that. So that is why this whole college thing is such a big deal. There is finally a light at the end of the tunnel. The main reason D wants to go away is to find other kids like her, which hopefully she will.
There are social aspects between kids and between parents. For example, my DD2 went to the public 7-8-9 for a fantastic band program, and their educational program was just as good as the parochial school she came from - she was an accomplished musician on two wind instruments and was in the top wind ensemble 1st chair all three years and had fabulous music opportunities - won the top award at the end. Her ‘friends’ from parochial school didn’t even say ‘hi’ to her at Sunday Mass starting immediately after 6th grade ended, when they learned she was switching schools. However when they learned she was coming back to school with them at 10th grade, they chatted with her like she was a long lost friend. Her public school friends stayed friends with her through HS and now into college. I think the girls just couldn’t socially deal with different during some of those years, and yes some close-minded attitudes - my daughter didn’t change in a day, but how these other girls behaved to her was like she went from an insider to an outsider.
Some parents are extremely proud of the school they graduated from, and they throw out a ‘status symbol’ maybe with the exclusivity of their kids’ Ivy. This is just like anything else, nicer house, nicer cars, nicer vacations, etc - superficial. However a student who is a serious student and has a great academic opportunity - sure the parent is proud as any of us would be; cheering them on.
There are down to earth people at all levels of socio-economic and with high IQ, while in contrast there are those that are selling how great they are, how great their kid is, etc, etc.
At some HSs, there is the opposite of what OP’s experience - where there is a push to applying and being accepted and going to more exclusive colleges, to help ‘sell’ the college-prep HS. It is fine if the parents can and want to afford the expensive alternatives. We happily had some within budget great in-state and other state school college opportunities.
Key is education. One can desire to learn and grow where they are planted. Also having a good positive attitude.
We are fortunate to have the opportunities for our children than a huge percentage of parents outside of our country would love to have.
She sees and feels things more deeply than anyone I know and can’t just “let things go” or do a mental gloss-over like most people can. The intelligence is only one aspect of giftedness. It’s a whole package and a lot of it is not fun. The outside world just sees the grades, test scores, accomplishments and assumes everything is easy for this one. So not the case - high school has been very difficult emotionally and because it is not easy to outthink everyone you know, especially teachers when they have power over you.