Out of control almost 18 year old-are there really any options at this point?

Parent Cafe
21

I also agree that with the others. He’s lost his dad recently. He’s facing a big transition in his life, going off to college. These are stressful. He’s about to say goodbye to several of his friends from high school. His whole life is being turned upside down. Who wouldn’t be reactive? It’s especially hard because you’re probably worn out too. He’s also probably bigger than you now! This happens with boys.

But I think the main thing that I would tell my own child is the one thing that I would want to hear every single day if I was going through a big, scary transition: which is: “You’re going to be okay. You are okay already. I’m not worried at all.” And hug him every day really tight before he goes off to school, if he lets you. Sometimes it helps to know that your parent is a Rock of Gibraltar and has faith in you and your ability to make decisions, no matter what you’re going through and no matter how crappily you made a decision just five minutes earlier.

If he yells at you, even if it’s unfair, see if you can keep quiet and just listen. Plant your feet. Hold your tongue and just listen. I would bet that he would be grateful to know that you are not judgmental if he burns off some anger. He would be glad to have someone just listen, to whatever is going on. You can always do some correcting or skillbuilding and editing several hours or even days after the anger passes. He knows when he’s done something he shouldn’t. He’s probably just as upset about his behavior as you. And will probably self-correct and apologize on his own in good time.

Then each day I would find two or three things that he did well that day, highlight those, and ignore the things he did wrong. He will get back on track. I’m sure of it.

22

I echo what other posters have said – that the death of his father plus going off to college shortly are two huge changes in his life. That said, I have no other suggestions, but I do offer huge {{{{{hugs}}}}} to you both.

You mentioned you have other children. If he won’t listen to you and you don’t think you’ll be able to get him to a therapist, perhaps one of his siblings can step in and help out here.

23

How about some sort of family counseling for all of you? You all went through a very stressful change in your lives when your husband died, and probably everybody is a little frayed in one way or another. And this might be a way of getting some help for your son without singling him out.

24

While others are giving good advice on dealing with your son, I want to point out something important I think you are glossing over. You say that your son’s college costs will be covered mostly by scholarships, so you aren’t worried about that.

But you should be concerned about the possibility of him crashing and burning . As a single parent (and I think you have other children to care for also?) it could be hard for you to check up on your son once he heads to college. You won’t be able to run over and have lunch with him, look him in the eyes and get a sense of how he is handling the pressures of college.

PLEASE take time to search through this forum (or maybe others can post links to threads that highlight what I am talking about) and read stories from parents about how stress, anxiety, and/or depression have impacted their children in college. If a child tanks his GPA, it can cause loss of scholarship, bad grades that get him suspended or kicked out of school, and also could keep him from being able to transfer to a closer, more local college. I don’t know if you are talking about need-based aid or merit scholarships. But you need to know that large Merit Aid is only given once, as a freshman. If he has to transfer, he will most likely not get very much Merit Aid at another school. And especially if his GPA is low.

Unless you get your son to sign college forms releasing information to you, he could shut you out of the loop in regards to college health issues and academic grades. It is very easy for college kids to hide their behavior, so you might not find out he is skipping classes, not eating or sleeping well, or hiding out in his dorm room all alone.

I have read so many times here on this forum about kids with emotional/mental issues needing to withdraw from their college. It seems (again folks, correct or update with better info if I am not giving good info here) that getting a diagnosis on a potential disability is really important. Every college has a Disabilities Office, and you can register before school starts. Being registered does not mean your child has to announce to his professors about his issues, but it does help when trying to get a medical withdrawal and salvage his GPA if needed.

Find out what his school requires for a minimum GPA to get to keep his scholarship. A 3.0 is more reasonable, a 3.2 is manageable, but a 3.5 can be really hard to maintain. You need to take a moment to think about how you will pay for his college costs if he loses his scholarship.

It sounds like both you and your son are struggling right now. It may seem that launching your son off to a college 6 hours away is the right next step for him. But I hope you will consider all the implications of having him far away when your gut is telling you that something is wrong.

At least make him get some counseling this summer. If he is depressed, a good therapist can help. Medications may be needed, at least short-term. And don’t despair if the first therapist he sees is not a good fit. It is not easy to find a good fit without paying for that first appointment. But don’t let your son off the hook if he complains. Let him join in the search for the next therapist you pick.

I wish I could send you a virtual hug. Sounds like you are doing the best you can in a situation you never dreamed you would be in. Sleep, exercise, and good nutrition can be helpful as you try to climb out of this stressful situation.

25

Your family has been through something horrible. No family would hold it together after the death of a parent, so please cut yourself some slack. Get counseling to help you through the struggle, and make sure your son has his own therapist. If he is still acting out in September, sending him away to college would be a waste of money. He is more likely to fail, which will make him feel even worse.

26

Maybe your son would want to take a year before going to college. He could work or just go do something fun. Harvard recommends this strongly for all of their incoming freshman and many schools offer a year or two of deferral. Here are some ideas that would get him going in fun directions: Americorps (fema and other)–next deadline for applications is Nov. 1. He could do one semester in the spring. This organization takes him traveling in responsible positions around the country with peers and provides room board a stipend and tuition help after completion. SCA (Student Conservation Corps)–there are multiple internships, some indoor, some outdoor, that have various lengths of duration, and multiple sorts of interests, from running the counters at gift shops in national parks, to counting bat populations in New Mexico. Housing is often included and sometimes a small stipend. Volunteer
d 0 t
gov offers similar things. If he wants, he could “volunteer” to work abroad. There are a few places where families and B&Bs and surf shops and apple orchards etc list work opportunities. Often they do not pay anything more than room and board for the few weeks a person is there, but it’s a way to gain some independence perhaps and have a fabulous (we hope) adventure in another place with minimum investment. There’s foreign (Ireland, Australia, Mexico etc) and domestic positions (any of the US states and cities) available. W O R K A W A Y
d0t
i n f o

is one such website. There are others. Finally your local state or natinal parks often place positions on their websites that might interest him.

27

I totally agree with #20, along with many others. DH, who deals with a lot of people doing their estates, say that for the most part people are just angry a year or so after a death. My nephew lost his Dad and was acting out just like your son. Got into all sorts of legal trouble, arrested for pot and DUI. Not doing well in school, one teacher even told him she didn’t know why he was even bothering going to college he wouldn’t make it.

He is now 25, graduated in journalism and working in Chicago. My sister always maintained the Rock of Gibraktar stance. Oh, she yelled and I can imagine what else…but there was a never a moment when he didn’t feel loved.

My own son hasn’t lost his father…personally I think that is the cause of your son’s depression. Men react differently with depression…irritability and anger more than sadness and the blues.

My son also was doing things he shouldn’t have and got in trouble with the law, he lied to us, he snuck around, he kicked some holes in his bedroom walls, he yelled at me once, even got into a skuffle with his Dad…which unnerved everyone. I loved him but disliked him at the same time. His grades were terrible, no motivation. I’m telling you we couldn’t wait for college! Peace reigned over the house when he left. His first year wasn’t that great and he was on probation. We had lots of talks through the teen years, lots and lots and lots. I wouldn’t relieve 16 through 19 for anything with him.

His first semester home he snuck out of the house. That is the only time that when we found out, locked the window and went to bed. He was texting apologizing and said he was at a friends and would be home in the morning. We didn’t respond and left the house for work before he got home. DH told him later if he ever did that again his bags would be waiting for him outside the window. We don’t threaten, so we meant it. As far as we know, he never has done it again.

He is now a senior graduating in December with a business degree. His grades aren’t stellar though… He is a different young man. Doesn’t anger, lots more motivated, but still has a way to go. Easy to be around, I enjoy him now…it’s like I got my son back in 4 years.

And…he just landed a great internship this summer and into the fall!! We are so proud. Surprised with his grades he got an offer, but they liked him.

Your son has gone through so much, he’s a little depressed and scared. Buy the book. “Yes, Your Teen is Crazy”. It’s wonderful and is stocked full of advice for people like us.

One more thing…I made an appointment for myself with a child psychologist to talk about my son and he gave me tips, etc. money well spent. Good luck. He will come around, just always let him know you love him. He needs that.