My soon to be 18 year old will be heading off to college in the fall. I won’t go into too much detail to begin with, but he is incredibly disrespectful, he lies constantly, has no motivation or ambitions, is irresponsible, has a chip on his shoulder, and has absolutely no concern for how his actions make me feel. With his 18th birthday looming and high school graduation around the corner I wonder if it is just too late? I have never been a disciplinarian and I have just swept things under the carpet for so long that I feel like it is a lost cause now. I told him tonight that if he isn’t going to make any effort to follow rules and be respectful that he needs to figure out a plan to move out when he graduates. He looked at me like I had lost my mind, and of course I know it was a completely unrealistic threat. I am just so lost and hurt, and I have no one, I mean no one to help me figure things out. It seems that CC is full of model parents with model children, so I am open to any suggestions anyone would be willing to share.
I would follow through with your threat and be prepared to change the locks for your home and anything he might have a key to. There is NO reason to put up with disrespect. You need to set our clear rules that he needs to follow and the precise penalties and then, you need to follow through.
How is your S going to do at college if he won’t follow rules? What rules are attached to any funding for his college? What will happen if he breaks those rules? Figure it out, write it out and follow through.
Is he going away to college? This may solve a lot of problems. If he’s been chafing under the restrictions of living at home, college will fix that.
Is there any possibility that he could spend all or part of the summer away from home? Perhaps with a relative? Or his other parent? (The wording of your post suggests that you are a single parent.) This would give him some space even a little earlier.
Sometimes (and I think especially with boys), the need for some independence and space is so strong when they’re around 18 that it makes them hard to live with. But once they have some space, they become relatively tolerable.
I think it’s called “fouling the nest” – some kids become really, really nasty to make their departure for college much easier on everyone.
@Marian Yes, he is going to a college 6 hours away so he is certainly going to be free to do as he pleases soon enough. Whether he ends up lasting beyond the 1st semester remains to be seen. Maybe he will get his act together and surprise me. That is a separate set of concerns though, but for the time being I need to survive the next 4 months with him and try to find a way to salvage our relationship. My husband died 21 months ago, so as foreign as the term feels, yes I am a “single parent.” Thanks for taking the time to respond.
@HImom He is about as equipped to be on his own as a puppy. I thought the threat would make him think just how impossible the whole idea is and make him assess his actions, but nothing seems to reach him. Of course I am very concerned about what is going to happen when he gets to college, but I really have to cross that bridge when I get to it. His college costs are very low after scholarships and aid so I don’t have much leverage there.
@katliamom LOL, I really needed that!
Did this behavior exist before the death of your husband ? You’re son may be experiencing depression. Irritability, anger, apathy , lack of motivation can all be signs of depression .
I’m sorry for your loss. Your husband’s recent death was just thrown in there casually in your post - but that’s huge. Is your son still mourning his father in some way which might contribute to a bad attitude?
Is this recent, or has it gone on for a while?
@endofmyrope I’m so sorry for the hard times you and your son have been enduring. It sounds like there are several things going on. Do you belong to any sort of faith community that might have pastoral counseling? There may be some non-profits in your community that offer counseling on a sliding-scale fee. I wonder if sitting down with your DS and a neutral party might help you discuss with him the things that are bothering you, and come up with some steps to make the next few months more tolerable. Good luck and please keep us posted.
So sorry for you both. Is he acting out in unsafe ways or just the not atypical end of HS partying and rudeness? Does he have a job? It can be so difficult to figure out the difference between a kid spreading his wings and taking some risks, and a kid headed for trouble. While you can’t kick him out, you can stop doing things for him like making dinner or his laundry or giving him gas money (if you are doing any of that). You can tell him clearly how this makes you feel, but 18 yos tend to still be quite self absorbed. If things are really bad, you may want to find a. Counselor to help figure out the best approach to take with him.
@carolinamom2boys It has all developed over the last year or so; he had always been the most agreeable and obedient of our kids, and I still see him as that sweet little boy which makes this so hard to accept. He has never tried to blame any of his behaviors on his father’s death, but how can it not somehow be a factor? I tried to bring it up in a recent conversation but he shrugged it off. I think you might be absolutely right, but I have no idea what to do about it.
I think this old wisdom still holds true: “The kids who need love the most will ask for it in the most unloving ways.”
@endofmyrope – I am truly sorry to hear that. I am not sure what the situation is regarding paying for college – are you doing that or is he or is his father possibly? If he is almost 18 I personally feel like you can explain to him “who you are”, what you have done for him, how much he hurts you when he acts out and see if he gets it or if he really ignores it or acts disinterested. If not, then it might be time to stop helping him or to stop allowing him to be verbally abusive, to tell him that in your house you are the boss - he can leave (and support himself) if he does not want to abide by your rules, be civil and respectful. I know this would be hard as you have swept so much under the rug but it sounds like you are really at a breaking point. But if for any reason you think he might act out physically then that’s another consideration of course - I truly hope that is not a concern but teens can be volatile when parents get serious about certain things and its a huge change from what they are used to. I believe it is important to plan out what you want to say, find a time when he is attentive (hope that’s possible - plan B is write a letter & make him read it & acknowledge it – maybe condition it , if need be - he reads it before he gets something he wants) & actually mean what you say in terms of consequences for his future behavior - follow through - give him an upfront warning or two but let him know you have made decisions and you mean business. If you have a way to get help in your community or talk to counselors at school that might be helpful too - I am just talking parent to parent - really not an expert but I get very upset when my kids are rude and disrespectful - I love them and do a lot for them & we all deserve fair treatment. Parenting is hard – give yourself a little slack too.
He needs to be evaluated for depression. Is he using substances ? He may be self medicating .
First, my condolences on the loss of your husband. I’m sure it’s been a tough time for both you and your son. If your son’s behavior is more recent, I would tend to be a bit more tolerant. I’m guessing he would reject seeing a therapist but I’d encourage it. I might even make it a condition, based on how hard his behavior is on you.
If, in fact, he has behaved the way you described for a much longer time, I think I’d think through very specific ways in which I would need his behavior to change. For example, if he won’t be home for dinner, he must let you know by x time, he may not speak disrespectfully to you, he can not lie to you, etc. If your situation is truly that you could require that he leave after graduation and be on his own for the summer before he leaves for college and you are really ready to follow through with that consequence. I would first sit him down and explain that his current behavior causes you a great deal of pain and, hard as it is, you really can’t live with it any longer. Explain that, to remain in your house, there are some basic rules of living with someone that you need him to abide by. Outline what those are. Indicate that if he’s unable to modify his behavior, he will have to leave the day after graduation (or whenever). I would make sure to communicate how and why his behavior is so hard on you as it’s just possible he’s so oblivious that he doesn’t understand that his mom has feelings, etc.
Not sure it is right for you but sometimes communicating these things in writing can be more effective.
I’m really sorry you’re in this position. If you feel you can’t give your son an ultimatum, you can make a calendar counting down the days until he leaves for college…the hard times will be over 100 days or so.
@endofmyrope, I’m so sorry about the death of your husband. I know, diagnosing someone I don’t know, over the Internet, when I"m not a doctor, means my opinion is not worth much, but I’m going to agree with the posters above who suggest that your son might be reacting to the loss of his dad. How difficult for both of you. How about requiring attendance at a few therapy sessions?
If he’s having these behaviors now, he may struggle at college or may not be successful and have to leave . I understand trying to put a short term solution in place, but a log term solution also should be established. You may very well be faced with him needing to return home from college, so what you will do in that situation needs to at least be addressed.
Are there any family members or friends that your son may be willing to talk to ?
So sorry about your husband, @endofmyrope, and your son. I would agree with @carolinamom2boys that he sounds depressed (and rightfully so after such a big loss at a critical time in his life). Did he have any therapy after his dad died? It would be very helpful for you to make an appointment with a therapist that works with adolescents.