Out-of-town relatives dilemma

Parent Cafe
21

<p>My parents used to stay with us, but a few years ago they decided they’d rather stay in a nearby hotel. Our guest room is small, and mom felt we’d all have a better time together if we weren’t together 24/7. It’s worked out fine both ways. My inlaws usually stay with us, but they only come for one or two nights because they only live a couple of hours away. My parents tend to be here 4 or 5 days because it’s almost a 1000 mile drive.</p>

<p>I think your MIL needs to realize that the grandkids have grown up and don’t want to camp out with grannie any more. She may be upset about that and her way of coping is taking it out on you for sending her to a hotel. I’d stay calm but stick to my guns.</p>

<p>For my son’s graduation, everyone stayed in hotels. I was a much better hostess during the day for having a good night’s sleep at night!</p>

<p>(I was also given the same advice - never give up your own bed.)</p>

22

<p>Hmm, I missed that never give up your own bed wisdom- one year at Christmas, DH and I slept in the back of the SUV, not a fun time, but with elderly & handicapped parents, they needed our master suite.</p>

<p>The ability to stay together really depends on the guests, my parents (who are sweet & normal & fit in well with our family) have stayed as long as 2-3 months with DHs blessing.</p>

<p>His parents are extremely high-maintence, 2 weeks was the record and it is a relief when they leave as they are so needy all the time, every day, very disruptive to our lives and household, whereas life goes on quite normally when my parents visit. I have only given up my bed a couple of times and it was due to extenuating circumstances (wheelchairs & stairs, etc) so it was not to precendent setting, I am glad I did not do it in the early years. It is very important to set rules of oyur own home with pushy family or they just keep pushing, like two year olds ;)</p>

23

<p>Hm…well, I don’t know if I’m qualified to give advice. This post struck me because my own family is visiting me and my live-in boyfriend. At this very moment my mother, 4 year old sister, 15 year old sister, uncle, and aunt are sitting on my couch watching a movie. My grandmother has gone to sleep in our king size bed and my bf is sleeping on a full-size inflatable mattress (which slowly deflates throughout the night) in the office. My mom and sisters will be joining my grandma on the bed later and my uncle and sister sharing the giant “L” shaped couch. Tomorrow night my cousin is coming to town and I have no idea where she’ll sleep not to mention our two dogs, two cats and a ferret are all running around. To make matters worse this is a two bedroom (one of the bedrooms converted to an office) condo. </p>

<p>There is no special occasion - I’m just a really lucky gal who gets to sleep with my huge bf on a tiny inflatable mattress tonight. Yay :slight_smile: </p>

<p>As chaotic as this arrangement is I don’t think that I could have asked any of my family to stay at a hotel - they’re my family! However, if they had suggested it I would not have insisted otherwise. I can handle a few people but an extra SEVEN is a lot. </p>

<p>I don’t think it would be unreasonable to explain the situation and be a little firm about it. If this really, really hurts her feelings though would it be so bad to give in? Some people really don’t like the separation. I’m a pushover though :slight_smile: Like I said - I might not be qualified to give advice. Look at what I’m willing to deal with.</p>

24

<p>Wow - amazing that so many people have visiting relatives stay at hotels without a fuss! I very much want to join that group. I think roshke is right that it’s a generational (and, I’m sure, socio-economic) expectation that family stays with family - a kind of “what’s mine is yours and don’t even bother asking first.” My in-laws think that the noise, chaos, lack of privacy, and discomfort are just things to put up with. Of course you stay with family when you visit. Only idiots and rich people pay for hotels. </p>

<p>Yes, we’ve always had boundary issues. When my oldest d was a baby and we lived just half an hour away, M/FIL would frequently show up unannounced and expect us to have no other plans. MIL nagged dh for a key so she could come in and “help” with the housework - smart man, he never said yes! Once we left town, it was simply expected that we’d visit each other multiple times yearly. When I was pregnant with d3, the OB put me on modified bedrest 2 days before the crew was due to visit. When I called them, the immediate reaction was: “But we’re still coming, right?” After some skirmishing on the issue, they did indeed show up, but for fewer days than originally planned, and I welcomed the opportunity to stay locked in my room away from the fray. </p>

<p>I didn’t mean to give the impression that MIL would still expect all 5 adult grandchildren to sleep with her on the living room floor. She would, however, expect d3 and possibly d1 to sleep in the same room with her for the “fun” of it (no one can guilt d2 into anything - believe me, I’ve tried).

SmileDarling - please, please, please don’t turn into me! If you love entertaining your relatives under those conditions, enjoy. But if you or your significant other is uncomfortable, please take a stand now and give your own comfort and peace of mind at least as much weight as you give your family’s wishes. I’m sure one reason MIL is so po’d is because I’ve been ridiculously accommodating for 28 years. A sensitive person could have seen that I was, um, unenthusiastic about the visiting arrangements. But we’re not dealing with a sensitive bunch here.</p>

<p>I’m hoping that by holding firm, we’ll solve the problem. Though I do think there’s a 25 percent possibility that she’ll show up sometime this afternoon. In which case, I’m heading to the hotel. Thanks, all, for your thoughts and insights!</p>

25

<p>We DID have a fuss. My MIL said she didn’t mind but “it would kill your father”. My FIL said HE didn’t mind, but “it would kill your mother”. Needless to say, they survived.</p>

26

<p>We always had my whole family come stay. The little kids walked around with food and juice boxes and just made a mess. Not to mention the dirty diapers left in the garbage can in the bathroom. By the time they all left my husband was at the end of his rope. Plus the fact that it seemed like I was always feeding everyone. We did this every year for 17 years. Two summer’s ago we made the decision that whoever asked first got the one guest room the rest needed to make arrangements at a hotel. Two of the siblings were fine with this and made arrangements. One decided that an option was that they would put up a tent in my backyard. Not quite what we had in mind but oh well. One of my siblings was terribly insulted. He pouted and made the decision that his family would only come up for the day. They had a two hour drive each way. I felt badly for all the cousins since that weekend reunion is the only time all of my 6 siblings and family are all together. His kids ended up with just 4 hours with their cousins.</p>

27

<p>mom60, that was HIS decision and HIS loss. Don’t feel guilty.</p>

28

<p>I don’t know if I’m qualified to say anything on this, being that I’m not a parent, just a college student home for the summer with a BIG family that loves to come visit. I’m Indian, which means that it’s not just first cousins/aunts/uncles/grandparents that come to stay, but third cousins twice removed show up as well. It’s expected that if so-and-so’s daughter is in the area, even if you’ve never met her, that you offer her room in your home, and that you would NEVER send someone to a hotel unless they insist or you actually cannot squeeze another person into your home period the end. We’ve had people strewn out on our couches, on the living room floors, I’ve been kicked out of my room multiple times, once we even had someone on an air mattress in the garage. All this is, of course, extremely trying for my mother who spends the whole day in front of the stove, but it also disrupts everybody else’s lives (ie, not being able to get to dressers/into bathrooms/leave the house if you have other plans, because you need to “entertain the guests”).</p>

<p>We’re struggling with the same issue right now as we’re planning on having a family reunion at our house at the end of the summer, and when we were younger, all of the cousins (mixed gender), crashed on the floor together, or in each others rooms. Wasn’t a big deal when I was nine, but it’s getting to be one as I’m approaching 19, and I’ve got things I need to take care of in the morning, a broken lock on the door to the bathroom/shower - not a problem usually as I’ve got two sisters who always knock, but my male cousins were not taught the same courtesy - and generally am not as amenable to being kicked out of my bed to sleep on the floor. So I see where you’re coming from.</p>

<p>I think you’re doing the right thing. If it helps, offer to pay for MILs hotel room, and nicely explain to her that on such an intense weekend, D doesn’t need the added stressors. Good luck!</p>

29

<p>In case my kids are reading this:</p>

<p>When I come to visit you in future years, I insist on staying in a hotel. I love you and I expect to love your offspring, but not 24 hours a day.</p>

<p>If God had meant for people to sleep on each other’s couches, he wouldn’t have created Best Western.</p>

30

<p>How about a compromise?..Allow her to stay at your place and during her stay say that next time you will make arrangements for a hotel stay for this reason or that…</p>

<p>PS…when the time comes and we visit my son’s family, I am going to stay with the grandkids. My son and whatever of his can stay in a motel.</p>

31

<p>Another thing I am thinking about while reading this is growing up we never considered family as “company.” Company was who you put on airs for and family knew all about your airs, lol. To the OP, I hope it all works out for you. What an interesting topic, esp. as the summer is fast approaching and usually that’s when family and company show up.</p>

32

<p>You have been appeasing the dragon for a long time. You are just going to have to endure the dragon’s breath. </p>

<p>You will survive and so will your MIL.</p>

<p>Good news is you do get better at it!!!</p>

33

<p>Quopoe-</p>

<p>I was thinking the exact same thing! Maybe it was growing up in a career military family that moved every year, sometimes twice a year, that makes my view of visiting “family/guests” so very different than all the other posters. Or it could be my own large family now (5 kiddos) and being a single parent.</p>

<p>I can remember cherishing what little time we had with my dad when he was home and how all our relatives would also want to spend time with him and it was in such short supply. The unspoken undercurrent was not when we would all get to be together again but if. I can’t count how many times we waved good-bye from the flight line.</p>

<p>With a son following in his grandfather’s footsteps it brings it all full circle again. Between the five kittens having such crazy and hectic travel schedules and destinations, I will do whatever it takes to get them all together under one roof for such precious little time. And yes we end up cooking alot, picking up the mess in the house, fighting for shower time and complaining about no hot water.</p>

<p>But that pales in comparison to the late nights of staying up playing monopoly or sorry with my 90 year-old grandma, my college-age children, their little cousins and my crazy parents. They bring their pets, their special foods, their aches and pains, and special pillows and I love each and every minute of it.</p>

<p>When they all leave in gradual departure times the only thing that keeps me from bawling like a big ole’ baby right there in RDU is the confirmation number of their return flight back to me.</p>

<p>Kittens want a sign for the house “the shoe”.</p>

<p>Kat
little old lady, with a really small shoe</p>

34

<p>my grandparents now stay at a hotel when they come visit us. Although they complain, and it was a big fight when it was first proposed, everyone knows that it was for the best, as they don’t get along particularly well with my parents and are very needy. When we go visit them we now stay in a hotel as well.</p>

35

<p>Katwkittens says: "And yes we end up cooking alot, picking up the mess in the house, fighting for shower time and complaining about no hot water.</p>

<p>But that pales in comparison to the late nights of staying up playing monopoly or sorry with my 90 year-old grandma, my college-age children, their little cousins and my crazy parents. They bring their pets, their special foods, their aches and pains, and special pillows and I love each and every minute of it."</p>

<p>That’s it in a nutshell for me.</p>

36

<p>kat and quopoe, your families are lucky to have you! I wonder if I feel differently about this deal because it involves my husband’s family members, not mine. They’re louder, more assertive, and more critical, so when they’re here I’m in a constant state of discomfort (i.e., waiting for them to leave :slight_smile: ).</p>

<p>I will give myself points for working hard to give my ILs free access to their grandchildren since the first was born 23 years ago. This is what they want, after all - MIL is clear that she cares about seeing them, not me, and not even her son particularly! I used to split our “vacations” (can’t make the roll-eyes smiley, please imagine one here) between dh’s family and mine, and actually stayed more often with his and had them here more often than my own parents, who are younger and still had careers when the kids were little. Dh also has a demanding job, so he is usually not here except to sleep when his family visits, and I frequently took the kids to visit ILs without him.</p>

<p>When a friend overheard me making plans to visit ILs without Dad (again), she said - “You’ve given your husband a great gift by making his family part of your children’ lives. I hope he appreciates it.” I haven’t gotten him anything for Father’s Day yet - do you think I could get away with reminding him about this? :D</p>