Out-of-town relatives dilemma

Parent Cafe
1

<p>When out-of-town relatives visit you, for graduations or recitals or athletic events or what have you, where do they stay? Do you put them up at home or find them a hotel? If you squeeze a bunch into your house, how do you handle the sleeping/bathroom arrangements?</p>

<p>I ask because my dh has just, for the first time in our 28-year marriage, told his mother that we’d like to put her up at a nice, very nearby hotel instead of having her spend the weekend in our home, which will be stretched to the max because our two oldest children will be visiting here at the same time. And she got furious with him and hung up.</p>

<p>I should mention that MIL had asked at the last minute to come up with her 19 y/o grandson for our youngest d’s dance recital this weekend. Said grandson is sulky, difficult, and living with M/FIL because he was kicked out of his dorm and parents’ house for drinking/drugs. He certainly didn’t want to come up for an evening of ballet, though I recognize that it was nice of him to drive his grandmother the 5 hours to our house. However, if he stayed, he’d have to have his own bedroom - and we don’t have any extra bedrooms. D1’s room has been turned into storage, and it’s going to be difficult enough to make room for her in it this weekend. </p>

<p>We set what I now consider a regrettable precedent many years ago when we often hosted my in-laws, including B/SIL and both nephews, under the most casual conditions imaginable. My MIL loved to spread mattresses and pillows on the floor and have all 5 grandchildren sleep with her in our living room. Suitcases and toiletries were strewn everywhere, including our front entryway, and chaos reigned. Well, I don’t want to entertain that way anymore. My kids don’t want to have out of town guests under those conditions anymore. Grandma, however, is not ready for a change.</p>

<p>So I’d be curious to know how others manage this. When my mom visits, often with my 95 y/o grandmother, she stays at the same nice hotel we wanted to have MIL and nephew at. Is it such an insult to offer to put someone up at a hotel? What do you think?</p>

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<p>No debate here. Hotel. I’d pay the standard room rate. They’re welcome to eat supper, but I’m not doing a full fry up breakfast and lunches too. I don’t know about the rest of you, but I don’t have 6 relatives on either side of the family I want in the same house for more than an hour.</p>

<p>Impossible to coordinate anything when wife and I each have irregular schedules and jobs where wekends/holidays are just as easily another normal workday.</p>

<p>My opinion and personal preferences. And a sidenote- the older the parents get, the more frequently they hang up on you.</p>

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<p>Maybe you and your husband should go to the nice hotel and let MIL have the house. Room service and a movie in bed while MIL spreads out the mattresses. Seriously though - her feelings are hurt and she doesn’t feel like part of the family staying at a hotel. I’d try to figure out a way for her to stay at the house, but that’s just me.</p>

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<p>thanks for the input! cartera, you’re right that her feelings are hurt, and I realize that it doesn’t matter to her that no slight was intended. I do feel, though, that she’d be equally hurt/insulted if dh and I left the house because she and nephew were there. I’m considering asking our 2 oldest daughters to stay at the hotel, but they’ll be up for less than 24 hours, and must drive more than 6 hours each way to be here. Besides, MIL would want them to stay here, too, and be insulted if they didn’t. Sigh.</p>

<p>MIL is generous and has a big heart. Thankfully, she doesn’t interfere on most issues, but when she wants something she doesn’t let go and doesn’t believe she should have to compromise. We’ve let her have her way on this for 28 years, and I feel that’s long enough. I could fill a book with the difficulties, inconveniences, and arguments that have resulted from accommodating dh’s family. (Because all is not well once they arrive - they bring lots of drama with them!)

:slight_smile: thanks for the chuckle, violadad!</p>

<p>And thanks too to the nice CCer who pmed me and gave me hope that if we stand our ground, MIL will eventually accept our right to decide. How nice it would be to actually solve a problem instead of simply living with it!</p>

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<p>Frazzled, it is hard at first to make those kinds of changes, especially when you have “relaxed” your standards for so long. My mom told me, on my wedding day, not to ever give up my bed for any guests, including her and dad, no matter how old they got. That was advice her own mother gave her! </p>

<p>But seriously, you have every right to put your foot down and say the slumber party is over, you want an adult house without other people’s stuff strewn about the house. Said grandkids are no longer little - they are adults themselves and probably don’t want to sleep with grannie anymore. Keep your foot down and stand your ground. Your home, your rules. You aren’t telling her not to come, or that she’s not welcome, you are simply telling her here is where you’ll be sleeping.</p>

<p>FWIW, I only 2 weeks ago, after 21 yrs of marriage, told my MIL that my children come way before her (she wanted me to come to her woman’s club luncheon, but I had to take my d to a school event that couldn’t be missed). She got over it. Be pleasant and matter-of-fact and your MIL will get over it as well. But if you give in, it will be a long time, if ever, that you get out of that hole…</p>

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<p>We faced the same problem when we moved into our house - 2 bedrooms and only one bathroom. It’s hard with just the 3 of us, never mind overnight guests. IL’s are up from FL for D’s graduation and party last weekend and her last dance recital this weekend. Luckily, my H’s sister lives 1/2 hour away and she has a huge house, so they always stay there. It gives them time to spend with their only other grandchild, too. Also, one thing I found works well - MIL is deathly afraid of cats, and we have always had at least one in the house. Never forget the time a few years back when they did stay overnight and we heard a blood-curdling scream from the bathroom. Seems she didn’t close the door all the way and the kitty paid her a visit! Priceless…Suffice to say - they don’t feel bad about not staying here anymore!</p>

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<p>I’m I the only one who thinks MIL is a little odd for still thinking tossing out mattresses is a reasonable accomodation for her and her almost adult, mixed gender grandkids, one of whom has a drug problem???</p>

<p>My Mom is the difficult one in our family, and she would never suggest that!!!</p>

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<p>We asked MIL and FIL up for S’s HS graduation. Ceremony was on a Thursday. Family party - both sides - on Saturday. When I called to confirm what time they would arrive on Wednesday, I was told that they would stay at a hotel that night because they were not officially asked to stay at our house. Huge drama ensued…I figured if that’s what they want - fine with me! Mind you they have always stayed at our home. However, they did think the invitation to stay was issued for the rest of the week! I can’t figure them out!
Well, MIL then mentioned that she was having a luncheon for some old friends on Saturday and asked me to attend! I reminded her about the graduation family party and she didn’t seem to care. She showed up back at our house about an hour late for son’s party. Thank god, they’re back home.</p>

<p>PS She was sound asleep through S’s graduation and D’s honor society induction later that same day!!!</p>

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<p>The first time is hardest, but just be firm and it will hopefully become the new routine. We had to go through this in reverse with my in-laws. They wanted all the kids and grandkids staying in their tiny apartment even if it meant that they would sleep on the floor. I told my DH that we staying at a motel. The first time, it was a big deal. Then it was normal.</p>

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<p>Frazzled - I was really joking about the two of you going to the hotel - that wouldn’t make her feel better and would probably be more of a hassle for you. I guess I’m in the minority in suggesting accomodation. I’m substituting my own feelings about my elderly parents - both in their 80s - so spending time with them has become more of a priority than ever. That’s not the situation you’re dealing with - especially factoring in the grandson - so it is probably a good time to stand your ground.</p>

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<p>frazzled, I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. Sleeping on the living room floor with the grandkids is one thing when they’re little, it’s quite another when they’re teens or college age! If you don’t have the space, you don’t have the space, and even if her feelings are hurt initially, I would imagine that eventually she’ll understand. Maybe if you told her the plans for the time you’re actually all spending together, it would help. The hotel will be a place to sleep, period.</p>

<p>We’re having a houseful of guests this weekend, including elderly parents, but fortunately, our house can accomodate everyone, and is large enough that we’re not all on top of each other. It’s nice to have everyone but I always find it stressful, which is just my nature. I worry that everyone is enjoying themselves, that they’re getting enough to eat and drink, that it’s not too hot or too cold in the house, that everyone’s getting along, that the meals contain items that everyone will like, that the dogs aren’t jumping on the guests, well, you get the picture. As much as I look forward to these weekends, I also look forward to the quiet of the morning when everyone leaves! :)</p>

<p>I do agree with cartera, though, about treasuring the time with elderly parents. I try to be a more patient person with them now, and try to not let things bother me because I don’t know how much longer they’ll be around. I hope it’s a long time!, but you just never know. One thing I truly enjoy about these wild, family weekends is watching them interact with my kids. They’re very close, much more-so than my inlaws, to my kids and I’m happy that they have such a great relationship. My grandmother was a very important part of my life and I was fortunate enough to have her around til I was in my mid-30’s. I hope my kids are that lucky!</p>

<p>In the reverse situation, when we visit the in-laws now, my H and I stay in a hotel. The first time we did this, I think their feelings were hurt a little but we explained that it would just be easier for them not to have us there. We spend almost all waking hours there anyway so it’s worked out fine. No line-ups for the shower and that bit of privacy (and escape!) are worth every penny it costs.</p>

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<p>When S1 graduated, H’s family stayed with us, and my family stayed with my sister, who lives a mile away. When S2 graduated, we no longer had a house in the area (we were overseas), so we stayed with the above sister, and everyone else stayed at a nearby hotel. When D graduated, nobody came. :(</p>

<p>I agree that MIL will get over it. It might help to continue to verbalize (actually, I prefer email!) that the arrangements that worked okay when kids were younger, are not as easy now. Tell her that you are thankful that she will be there to provide some company with nephew, and that your D is flattered that she cares enough to come.</p>

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<p>When my mom comes alone, she stays in the guest room. When she brings her SO, they stay at a hotel. One other person sharing my daughter’s bathroom with only one sink is okay, two is too many (not to mention he snores loud enough to peel the paper off the wall, is a picky/messy eater like a 4 yr old and wanders around at night in his boxers…) that sink issue is a real deal breaker ;)</p>

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<p>Last year, when DD graduated high school, we had lots of my family coming in from out of town. DH’s family lives here, so that wasn’t a problem, but between my parents, my sister and her family, my brother and his family, aunts, uncles, etc., we simply did not have the room to house everyone. We invited my parents to stay in our guest room, but advised everyone else that with it being DD’s special day, we didn’t feel it was fair to displace her or to rush her by sharing her bathroom on graduation day. I mailed a list of nice hotels along with maps to the graduation ceremony and our home for the after-party. Everyone was understanding and happy to reserve a room. When we are invited to out-of-town occasions, I certainly don’t feel it is the obligation of the person who invited us to house us or find a place for us to stay.</p>

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<p>There are many different acceptable ways to do things. We get a hotel room when we stay overnight in my F’s town- amenities/condition better. For graduation we had a musical bed situation- relatives coming and going different days, son at his party… We have stayed at houses and hotels when visiting OOS inlaws, and they have when visiting us, depending on the year, number of other guests, and other factors. There are pros and cons to every idea. Sometimes it is nice to be able to get away, to use a hotel pool, have some privacy… Other times it is nice to be able to visit without having to come and go… especially when the guys try to reconfigure a computer or two all night… “Ages and stages”- things evolve.</p>

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<p>Well, this is a hard one. My extended family is used to everyone sleeping all over the house for family functions. However, I have noticed that some of my Mother’s generation, (she is in her mid 60’s), and my generation, (40’s) are beginning to reserve hotel rooms and use them too. This would have been almost unthinkable if my Grandmother were alive. She felt that family should stay together and would have been insulted too. I don’t have any tips for you though, just rambling along about my family. :)</p>

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<p>I agree that this is a common although not universal expectation for some in your MIL’s generation. I think a generation ago, many people did this out of necessity and out of necessity grew tradition. As things have changed, it’s not always easy for older people to adapt to a different mindset. Maybe you could smoothe things over with your MIL by stressing to her that of course she’s welcome when you don’t have a full house, ie. any other time of the year (when she’s invited ;)) . That way, you make it about the circumstances and not about her.</p>

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<p>When it comes to family you have to be willing to establish YOUR boundaries and live with the fallout. God Bless hotels. But if you like a house full of company good for you too.</p>

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<p>OK…here’s the flip side. MIL was in the habit of having DH’s full family at the house every summer for an extended LONG LONG weekend. It’s a large family, everyone is married, most have kids. You get the picture. One year WE decided to stay at the Holiday Inn Express. We just wanted a quiet place to sleep, our own bathroom, and we wanted to eat breakfast when WE felt like it, not when a mob of others had to eat. We also wanted some privacy, and a place to actually TALK to the sibs most of whom lived a great distance away. Well…initially we took a LOT of flack from everyone (how can you do this?). Then several of the other sibs joined us (the same weekend…there were rooms…the realized that we were rested…they weren’t). And that is how it’s been ever since. EVERYONE including MIL likes this arrangement better.</p>

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<p>frazzled,
Well my parents would have been impressed. They would love staying in a hotel rather than our house!</p>