<p>[WFU</a> | Window on Wake Forest | Over-parenting leads to anxiety](<a href=“Wake Forest News | Wake Forest University”>Wake Forest News | Wake Forest University)</p>
<p>I can’t believe no one has responded to this article! It concisely says some very important things. I would love to forward it to my nephew to read for his 7 year old son!</p>
<p>This article for is timely me. I was wondering if I should contact my college freshman or wait for him to call first. Now I know I should wait.</p>
<p>Then I have a HS jr who is dealing with some difficult classes. My first inclination was to call the GC to “fix” her schedule but now I think I should step back and encourage her to talk to her teachers first.</p>
<p>I think every case is different and one should follow one’s instincts. Experts are just people who have a point-of-view.</p>
<p>My S is unique, my D is unique, and I’m unique, as I’m sure all of you and your children are. There really isn’t a one-size-fits-all template for everyone.</p>
<p>In general, yes, of course, kids benefit from some space to grow, but when, where and how is going to be very different for each kid and each relationship.</p>
<p>mtc, I agree with you. These are things parents should be reflecting upon much earlier than college. Short anecdote-the music teacher my kids had in grade school is an incredible person, very theatrical, tons of energy. Her spring concerts are events-each one has a theme and there are multiple solos and bits of comic business and costumes-this in a small town public school system of no particular distinction. Her thought is that a lot of these kids may never perform on stage once they hit middle school so she gives them an opportunity to shine (and to learn a whole lot about American musical theater : ), among other things.) Anyway , to make a long story short, my daughter, who had had a solo every year since kindergarten, did not have a solo in fifth grade. She was devastated-many tears; I ran into the teacher-she was devastated-many tears (I said that she is theatrical). Of course, it was hard to see my daughter so disappointed, but, really, I was okay with it. She had shone in so many ways in her short life and I thought she had a lot more to learn from this “failure” than from another “success”.</p>
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<p>Zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz…oh, I’m sorry, I dozed off there while yet another “expert” goes on and on about today’s parents are doing it all wrong.</p>
<p>Let me sum it up; today’s kids are too soft because their parents spoiled them. This has been the prevailing view of teenagers and their parents since the dawn of time, although we only have proof of that beginning with the written word.</p>
<p>I have friends who are college professors and they are getting phone calls from parents whereas they never did years ago. This has changed. My parents would no more dream of calling one of my professors than they would of choosing my job, going to my interview, or choosing my profession. And yet, I see many parents doing that today - MANY more than did in the past. As a teacher, I have seen more and more parents micro-manage their kids’ lives. BITD it seems that even though parents helped, they did nor so much try to “save” their kids from their poor decisions instead of letting them understand that there are repercussions to their actions. If the principal disciplined a student there was no hue and cry for a lawyer. And if there were, the other parents and neighbors would think the parents were nuts. I see more and more parents living their lives vicariously through their children. Not all, but the numbers are increasing dramatically, from what I have experienced over the years.</p>
<p>I found this article a little too precious. However, I do like the very last line, about not being so “present.” I think kids would develop better problem-solving skills if we weren’t so quick to jump in to help, as well meaning as we are. I know the whole college process with ds1 has changed, just a bit, my parenting of ds2.</p>
<p>My kids faced some real challenges and disappointments in their high school years, and I am convinced they are far better off for having gone through these struggles, than if they had breezed through adolescence without pain.</p>
<p>I see there are a lot of kid who could use more parenting. </p>
<p>CC parents, pat yourself on your back for been there for your kids’ every soccer game, recital, and saving your money to send them to their dream school. When those kids leave home, they know there is always someone in their corner, and that’s priceless. </p>
<p>Interestingly, my parents tell us that they think we are better parents than they were. They feel we are more involved with our kids and our kids are closer to us. They wish they had more time for us when we were growing up.</p>
<p>The last group of people a parent should listen to about “over-parenting” are educators because the main reason most educators are concerned about parental involvement is that parents are often better advocates for their children than the children are. Intelligent parents know that educators sometimes are less than honest and self-serving when it comes to decisions and resources.</p>
<p>Here’s an example of how I wasn’t “over-parented” 25 years ago:</p>
<p>Walked into law school with a scholarship. Really needed the scholarship. Was told that if I “did well” I would keep the scholarship. Went to orientation. Was told more than once, you’re all smart, don’t worry about your grades, just learn the material and the methods. I believed them, worked hard, didn’t grub for grades when I thought I received less than I deserved in some courses, especially given that I was the only first year student selected for the national moot court team and also won a place on the law review through the writing competition.</p>
<p>Guess what? Lost my scholarship because I didn’t “do well.” Never thought to ask what “do well” means. Of course by my classmates’ reckoning, especially the 80% who didn’t get onto the law review and the over 99% who weren’t selected to the moot court team, I had done well. Could have used a little over-parenting there, especially on the part where I believed the educators on “grades don’t matter.” Anyone in law knows that (and I’m not looking for a job) if you’re looking for a job in law, there’s a good chance you have to provide your transcript unless you’re deep into your legal career.</p>
<p>Why parents are “over-parenting” these days:</p>
<ol>
<li> We’ve been burned by educators far too often to believe that they are honest;</li>
<li> Like it or not, competition is different today. If everyone around your child is being helped, either you help or your child is at a disadvantage.<br></li>
<li> Reducing “over-parenting” is fine in theory, but then again, so is nuclear disarmament. The problem with both is that everyone asked to change has the same instinct: OK, you first.</li>
<li> If your child is at a large state university, you might need to “over-parent” to make sure the child gets into the right classes and graduate in four years. How many times have we seen on these pages stories about students having to take a fifth year because they couldn’t get into the classes they needed to graduate in four years?</li>
<li> In high school, “over-parenting” exists in part because there is very little for error when it comes to a transcript. This is in part due to rampant grade inflation; so many people get A’s these days that a B is (wrongfully) considered a blight on a transcript.</li>
<li> Unlike students, many of whom do not pay the bills, and tenured educators, many of whom are insulated from the current economic woes, parents are keenly aware of the competition for jobs. These parents know that the college record matters when it comes to the child’s first job. These parents are seeing new graduates coming home and living home because they can’t get jobs.</li>
</ol>
<p>^^^^agree with 100%. Not very PC for CC. :)</p>
<p>Standing up and cheering at this thread. YAY PARENTS! Funny thing, when you begin to charge $200k for college, parents will call the prof’s if there’s poor teaching. What a surprising turn.</p>
<p>Only in the most dire of scenarios would I find it appropriate to ever contact my kid’s profs.</p>
<p>The article makes very good points about parents being overly involved with too much daily contact to the point that the kid feels s/he can’t solve problems without mom/dad’s help. However, I think it is important to keep in weekly communication and send things in the mail which say, “I care about you!”. For example, mailing homemade cookies and upbeat cards at mid-terms and finals, mailing a funny cartoon, a new sweater when the weather gets cold, and similar items. I do not advocate mailing junk snacks or daily thinking of you cards.
I also think it wise to have some calendar benchmarks when you and your kid knows s/he is coming home for vacation or you are visiting. It is very important that your child knows you care about him/her even though you may be thousands of miles away.</p>
<p>For some weekly contact may seem reasonable, but for some it maybe too much. My kid and I like to speak often. She shares her ups and downs with me. I don’t send her cookies or funny articles. I don’t send her silly exam care packages because it’s a waste of money and calories. Just because your kid speaks with you often doesn’t mean your kid is incapable of solving problem by herself. </p>
<p>When my daughter’s future employer offered her a job, she did say, “I would like to speak with my parents about the offer.” I see it as no different than someone saying, “I would like to discuss the offer with my husband/wife.” I did get a chuckle out of it.</p>
<p>As a college educator and a parent of a child at a large state university, I must respond to speihei. About academic dishonesty, let’s talk about the students, who are “helping” themselves by buying essays off 123helpme.com. Someone along the line must have told them that is OK, or is at least paying for it. What about the student who emailed me offering me $500 of Daddy’s money to pass him? I wasn’t dishonest enough to want to risk my career for $500, but he seemed genuinely shocked that I turned him in. Do I want to get involved with these kids’ parents? No, they probably think their kids are perfectly within their rights to buy their way through classes, because they are paying so much.
So many students do not read the course syllabus, the schedule of classes, the college catalog, the department websites, the graduation requirements, all of which are written in plain English and easily available to anyone. They come to class late, promptly fall asleep or spend the class time texting, don’t turn in assignments, and then wonder why they didn’t pass the class. Sometimes instead of handing me a printed essay, as I specifically, repeatedly request, they hand me a USB, expecting me to print it. Do they need more parenting? I think they need more reality.
They will probably also not read their credit card agreements, mortgage documents, pre-nups, etc, and then blame those institutions.<br>
My D is at super-large state U and navigating her own way there, because those are the skills she will need to succeed in the workforce, and those skills are probably more important than the actual content of the class. Yes, it’s a competitive world, and students need advice sometimes. But make them accountable and responsible if you really want them to be competitive.
I know of over-parenting to the point of absurdity. When D’s HS friend forgot her blue mechanical pencil, she got on the phone to Mom, who sat at home waiting for such calls, to rush it down to the school office. If my D had tried that with me, first I would have told her to use another pencil, and not to call me at work unless it’s an emergency. This is the same girl whose mom went out and bought 10 prom dresses for her to try on at home, had her choose one, and then returned the other nine. I can’t wait for the wedding.
Over-parenting kills.</p>
<p>^^yes I agree with tpt. There is a world of difference between being there for your kids and living their life for them. A world of difference between solving their problems and teaching them how to solve problems. A world of difference between doing things for the kids that they can do for themselves and teaching them how to do those things.</p>
<p>An example might be getting up in the morning. When my kids hit middle school I got them alarm clocks. They wake themselves up. That doesn’t mean that I stayed in bed and pulled the sheets over my head. I always got up once they were moving around, talked to them about whatever and said goodbye. But they know how to get up in the morning without me and I purposely didn’t get out of bed before them so they learned. There are parents who wake their kids up and get them out the door and the poor kids head off to college and have difficulty hoisting themselves out of bed because someone has always gotten them out of bed. And that’s just one example.</p>
<p>Neither my H or I would ever run to school with something the kids forgot and they know it. But every morning as they were going out the door we’d say “stop and make sure you have everything you need” or “you got everything you need?” If they said yes but didn’t it was “on them.” Hopefully they hear those “little voices” in the back of their heads…I know I hear my mom’s voice all the time and I’m in my 50s.</p>
<p>I highly doubt I’m the best parent ever, but I can recognize the nuances. it’s not all or nothing it’s somewhere in the middle and it will vary from family to family.</p>
<p>After reading this thread, I expected the article posted to be so much more scathing than it actually is. All it says is that college is time to let your kids take over more responsibility for their lives. I couldn’t find one sentence I disagree with.</p>
<pre><code>I just finished the excellent new book that a poster from another thread recommended, " Escaping the Endless Adolescence," by Allen and Allen. While not exactly the same message, (Allen’s give advice on how to let kids take responsibility far sooner than college ) the theme is related. Many of our young people, kids from caring homes, are indeed floundering, and some of this has to do with what one might call overparenting, although I don’t think the Allens use that word. In fact, I think it take s a good deal of parenting to set up an environment where your kids can have the kind of growth experiences that will help them become functioning adults, so the word wouldn’t apply. It’s more a matter of seeing the world through the teen or young adult’s eyes in order to give them what they need to become effective in the world.
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<p>While I agree that every family is different and that no one method fits for all, I do think there are some common principles that most families can and do apply with success during the various transitions from childhood to adulthood. I enjoy reading books and articles about this topic, as I find I learn something from most of them, even though my kids are adults now.</p>
<p>The article clearly states that college is a time for students to become self reliant. I also think many parents have a hard time letting go because there is so much at stake, never before have parents faced tuition bills that are so out of scale with the current economy. If a child should not get the classes they either need or want the graduation could be moved to the dreaded 5th year. Years ago, this was not such a big deal because tuition was not as high as it is today not even in relation to the time. Parents are more anxious because their kids are taking out loans and have travel related expences that most students did not have years ago.</p>
<p>Another major source of concern today is that GPA counts. When I graduated college nobody asked what my GPA was, yet today you are either excluded or included for consideration after HR looks at the first few lines of your resume. There is just more at stake today so I guess parents will continue to get a bad rap for some things that are really concerning.</p>