Overcontrolling parents! Help!

Parents Forum
1

<p>Well, I have a very good friend whose parents are going INSANE about his college process, to the point where they have hand picked all of his schools and have not allowed him to visit or apply to any that he has chosen. They are also insisting he write an essay about his love of music, although he has a totally different topic in mind. I wish I could give my friend a hand. The parents have picked out schools that are too selective, and my friend is struggling writing an essay he isn’t passionate about at all.</p>

<p>Advice?</p>

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<p>Perhaps your friend could show his parents some college information web sites like CC or guides that describe how competitive the application process is, and how parents can help. By your friend’s supporting his parents interest in helping, he may be able to guide his parents to offering more real help instead of hurting his chances.</p>

<p>He also could enlist the help of his GC. He could talk to his GC and then schedule a conference with his GC, his parents and him, so that his parents could learn more about the process and could be guided to give real help.</p>

<p>If he expresses appreciation for his parents’ interest, that also may help them be more receptive to discussing what college admissions is like now, and how they can best assist him.</p>

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<p>You will probably get many responses. I will offer a few minimal thoughts.</p>

<p>The obvious problem is the parents (and the best solution is that they back off and allow your friend to pursue which schools, and majors that he wishes to pursue. That may or may not be an easy thing to accomplish. Assuming that is a difficult thing, to change the parents, consider this. Maybe not all is lost yet.)</p>

<p>Maybe, the bigger issue/question for your friend is: will the current insistence of the parents prevent him from accomplishing his long term goals?</p>

<p>(1) At this stage, nothing is set in concrete. Not the school, nor the major, nor his career. </p>

<p>(2) Even if he applies to a multitude of schools, as a music major, it does not mean that he will be accepted at the schools.</p>

<p>(3) Assuming that he is accepted, and goes to one of those schools, there are a lot of statistics to prove that most students change their majors, often more than once. The point being that if he is accepted at School-XYZ as a music major, he may end up being a Business or Econ or Engineering major, after his first of second year. </p>

<p>(4) Assuming that he is not accepted (as a music major), without knowing his parents, it seems unlikely that they are going to REFUSE to allow him to enter as a non-music major. Would they really rather he NOT go to college instead of being a non-music major. </p>

<p>Another thought, he could discuss things with them, and offer the following *“how about if i apply to those schools that you like, and also a couple of other schools, just in case i am not accepted to those schools. My counselor indicated that it is important to have a couple of schools to fallback on, in case your first choices turn you down”. *</p>

<p>Tell him not to give up yet. Keep moving along. Tell him not to build too many walls that are too high. If he appeals to their intelligence, and to their love, he might be suprised that they might be more reasonable than he preceives them to be. (How many parents have naively wanted their son/daughter to be a doctor/lawyer, and it doesn’t work out. Usually, over time, parents learn to accept their son/daughter for whatever they ultimately choose. Tell him to hang in there. Maybe he can set up an appointment with his parents, his high school guidance counselor, and himself (or even without himself). Most good guidance counselors know the importance of a student pursuing something that means something to them, or the importance of not being forced into a major where there is no interest. </p>

<p>Good luck to your friend.</p>

4

<p>I totally agree with Northstarmom’s approach. lovetocamp has good insights and advice as well.</p>

<p>However, I’m not sure what will prevent your friend from writing the essay he wants and submitting it with applications to the schools which interest him. The only prevention I can think of is not being able to pay the application fees. If that is the case, he could work with his GC to seek application fee waivers, if he is unsuccessful with the above suggestions for how to “convert” the parents to working with him instead of at odds with his view of how he wants to proceed.</p>

5

<p>"
However, I’m not sure what will prevent your friend from writing the essay he wants and submitting it with applications to the schools which interest him. The only prevention I can think of is not being able to pay the application fees. "</p>

<p>If he’s so interested in those colleges, he also could work a job to earn the money for apps, use his savings, use gift $, etc. </p>

<p>I know someone whose parents threatened to disown him if he went to a college that they thought was beneath him, but he thought was spectacular because it offered exactly what he wanted for the major he wanted.</p>

<p>He applied to the college, doing all of the paperwork himself and paying the fee. He also knew that he qualified for a full merit scholarship there, which the college awarded him. After he accepted the college’s offer, his parents stopped speaking to him for 3 months and they threatend to disown him. They wouldn’t even drive him to the college, but he managed to get there anyway, despite not having a car.</p>

<p>Short story long: He was out of the top students that college ever had, and as a result of being there, he met the president of the U.S. twice. He also got excellent job offers after graduation, and two years after graduation, was in a job in which he lived in NYC and also traveled to London and CHicago.</p>

<p>Long before he graduated from his college, his parents realized their mistake, and when he did graduate, they threw him a party and publicly apologized for how they treated him when he decided to go to that college.</p>

<p>Anyway, if your is unable to use the gentle methods that I have suggested earlier to get his parents’ support, he needs to be willing to use drastic means of following his own heart. However, it’s very important that he also recognize that his parents are not obligated to pay for his college education, so if he chooses to follow his own path, he needs to be willing to pay for it.</p>

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<p>On posts like these, I always wonder what the parents’ side of the story is! ;)</p>

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<p>Not to make matters any worse, but at Senior College night last night, the moderator told a story of a boy in this year’s (2006) graduating class whose parents insisted that he attend the college of THEIR choice. The poor kid apparently had no say in the matter whatsoever. Lo and behold, the day came when the were delivering him to college, and he refused to get out of the car!</p>

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<p>weenie,</p>

<p>I totally agree as when I read these types of postings the first thing that comes in my mind is that there are 3 sides to every story; yours, mine and the truth. </p>

<p>While what you are saying may be absolutely true (at least it is true as far as you know) no matter who “well” you know your friend he is only telling you what he wants you to know or his "spin’ on the situation. Maybe they don’t want him to pursue music in college and refuse to pay (they would not be the first or only set of parents to feel this way). Maybe his parents have what they feel are good reasons and valid reasons for their decisions, which you are not privvy to as to why they want him to attend certain schools. </p>

<p>It would be unfair to offer any information out side of your friends trying to keep the lines of communication open with his parents and try to educate them and include them in the process. The net-net is no matter what advice we as parents give, this is not our child and I don’t think anyone is coming forward to foot the bill.</p>

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<p>While I often wonder what the other side if the story is when people post, I don’t here. I’ve just met too many parents who think their unqualified kid is qualified for a top school and push them to apply.</p>

<p>Unlike many posters here I don’t think you let the average teenager loose to choose a college. A kid like the one Northstar describes who pursues a school that has the exact program he wants despite parental advice is one thing. A kid who says U of Hawaii is his dream school and applies undecided is another.</p>

<p>This case seems pretty simple, the kid feels he won’t get into the schools his parents want. So what else is new? What do we think the parent’s side is, we know Harvard is best for him?</p>

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<p>I agree with both sybbie and zagat, if that is possible. It was the phrase “picked out schools that are too selective” that led me to focus more on the student’s needs than the possible other side of the story. I’m sure there is one and it may have some merit, but that phrase led me to advise as I did.</p>

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<p>zagat: “A kid who says U of Hawaii is his dream school and applies undecided is another.” That is amusing. :)</p>

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<p>you mean that can’t be our dream school? when this is all over, we don’t we all want to be able to relax on a beach and not have to make any decisions other than whether or not to come in from the rain? ;)</p>