Overwhelmed and sad freshman seeking parents' advice

Parent Cafe
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<p>Hi there. I really think I need an unbiased suggestion on what to do because I’m feeling really awful. I feel so worthless and helpless.</p>

<p>I began college at the beginning of August and really liked it. I kind of missed my family and the comfort of home, but I was dealing with it. The excitement of classes/friends/organizations etc. overruled the homesickness and I thought that any missing home pangs would be gone as soon as I got into a routine and settled down.</p>

<p>However, things have just gotten worse. I’m in an honors major and was salutatorian of my high school, so I know I’m at least semi-intelligent. I had my first round of midterms and honestly studied quite a bit, knowing that students always do poorly on their first tests and hoping to break that tradition. Well, I was devastated when I failed horribly a calculus test (a course that I’ve already had two years of) and a philosophy test. </p>

<p>I was kind of hysterical after getting the results of these. I fully realize I could get kicked out of my major for not maintaining the minimum gpa and I could also lose a large scholarship. I’m still really upset about them, but I’ve been proactive and am now trying to work really hard to learn the material and am seeing tutors. I’m finding it hard to find the motivation to work though, knowing how badly I’ve screwed up and I’m so worried I’ll do the same again. Also, I’m really discouraged because I just sat down to review my calculus homework from last week that I was able to work out and turn in and now I can’t reach any of the answers. I also can’t do any of my homework for this week. I’m feeling so worthless and guilty that I just can’t grasp this topic!</p>

<p>The pains of missing home were semi-frequent before these tests, but after the tests I feel even worse. Though I’m trying to do my best (and I know that’s all I can ask of myself), part of me just wants to give up and go back home. I’m worried that perhaps I just wasn’t ready for college, hence the bad grades and inability to understand the material. I know longer find my classes very interesting and find it so hard to get to work on them.</p>

<p>Also, I feel so uneasy most of the time. I’m stressed out and I feel lonely, though I know I shouldn’t. I think my case is kind of unique…I’ve read a lot of threads about homesick kids and most of that stems from not finding their place, but I think I have. I have several great groups of friends that I talk to a lot (and have even talked to about my grades and the distress I’m feeling about that). Also, I’m in a sorority that I love so I definitely feel included. </p>

<p>Despite all of this, I miss my family and the comfort of home so so so much. My family lives only 45 minutes away and I’ve been home twice (I’ve tried not to go home too often because I know it’s bad). The second time was this past weekend and I had such good conversations with my parents about what I need to do to get my grades back on track, but I ended up in tears because I finally realized how much I miss them. I also talk to my mom several times a day. I know from reading other threads that this is viewed as bad, but I honestly don’t think I could get by without talking to/seeing my parents kind of frequently. I’ve always been close with them and they are the most important people to me. I always feel better/motivated after I talk to them. I was so looking forward to going home with weekend though, which was a little disconcerting. I knew I was in trouble when I was so sad to leave them. I have felt so lonely today despite being around friends the whole day. Not only do I feel stupid now, but also alone and childish.</p>

<p>I just want to know if this sounds normal. I feel so abnormal because every other case I read about, the student hadn’t really made friends and hadn’t gotten settled, but I know I have. I have so many great people to turn to, but I still feel sad. Will I get over this with time? What should I do?</p>

<p>Sorry if I came across as rambling.</p>

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<p>To be honest, I feel a little better after having typed it all out. At least I have parents who love me, and at least I’m getting an education. I’m going to go seek counseling tomorrow too, by the way. I just want some different perspectives.</p>

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<p>Starting out is hard. Especially if it came easy to you before. It’s different now and to boot there are so many things your parents did that you now have to deal with yourself. It’s OK. {{{hugs}}} But you do need to be more proactive for yourself. Avoidance never solved the problem. Take one small step at a time. </p>

<p>I do not see in your post that you have gone to the professors. They have office hours and are there for you. If it takes parking yourself outside their office after every class do it. Make sure you can do what is required each and every day and absolutely do not skip a class. Join study groups with other students in the class. They are having a hard time too and you can work together. </p>

<p>Check in with your academic adviser. With many programs they know the first semester is hard and the GPA requirements do not kick in until the end of the year so you can recover next semester. Make sure you know what the rules are for your major and scholarships, don’t guess. </p>

<p>Go to the academic counseling center if you have not done so already. They have other resources, too. Sometimes when it has been easy in HS you never really learned how to take the right kind of notes and how to study. They can help. </p>

<p>I am assuming it is too late to drop the class. If not, look at lessening your load. One of things I really liked at Rice was that they let first semester students drop almost until finals with no penalty. </p>

<p>Homesickness can strike at any time, not just the beginning. Go to the counseling center for help. They know all about it. It is not a bad mark on you to need the help. </p>

<p>Hang in there. You aren’t alone and you can make it.</p>

<p>(cross posted - glad you are going to the counseling center - do the other things, too. )</p>

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<p>You definitely ARE normal!!! </p>

<p>I know exactly how you feel. I mean that. It may have happened to me 30 years ago, but it feels like it was yesterday. I was a top student in high school, and I had excellent SAT/ACT scores. I liked my college & had friends. But I struggled in my freshman year … big time! I passed all my classes, but we had a 100 point grading scale, with anything under 70 failing … and I wasn’t much above 70 in several classes freshman year. The start was rocky, let me tell you. I studied like crazy, but it didn’t seem to pay off. Eventually, though, I found what worked for me. You will, too. I made Dean’s List sophomore year.</p>

<p>GO TO SEE YOUR PROFESSORS DURING OFFICE HOURS!!! I can’t stress this enough. I have friends who are profs, and they say this is really important. Go to tutoring. Find some classmates & make a study group (my saving grace in several classes). If you get distracted when you study, find a place where you won’t get distracted (I studied in empty rooms at school). Eat well. Get enough sleep. Find time for some type of exercise.</p>

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<p>Dear Ginsberg, I am so glad you are going to get some counseling. Everybody is different and some people take more time to adjust or go through a different type of separation pangs. Don’t take what is said to be “normal” as you being “abnormal” you sound like a very intelligent person with alot on the ball. I am sure with a little professional help you’ll get through this just fine. Probably alot more people go through a rougher time than they will admit!</p>

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<p>Take it from someone who failed calc 8 times: You need to memorize more. Memorize everything perfectly. None of the nerds will ever admit it, including your tutors, but it’s bloody crucial!</p>

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<p>Psst: I nearly bombed my first semester.I also missed my family intensely (I was an international student). I now have a Ph.D. and am very successful in my profession. </p>

<p>Do seek out help. Go to professors’ office hours and to help centers (before you turn in homework, if you can). Are there study groups you can join? They can be tremendously useful. go over comments on your homework carefully and learn from your mistakes; sometimes, you have the correct answer but the exposition leaves something to be desired. If something is not clear or you think the grading did not reflect your work, ask for the work to be looked at again.
Do you think you spent your time studying wisely? for example, did you stay up late before the exams and were unable to really focus on the day?
Try and think of college as your turf instead of a place where you are still only a guest. Instead of your going home, can your parents come and visit and maybe take you out for a meal? </p>

<p>It’s early days yet; don’t give in, don’t give up. I’m very glad you came here to vent and to seek advice. Good luck!</p>

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<p>I, too, can understand how you are feeling. My niece just about flunked out of Penn State first semester (engineering) and now, as a junior, is doing great and loves it.<br>
My son didn’t have grade problems, but hated his Ivy so much freshman year that he actually ran away from it for a couple of weeks! Now he is a junior and is happy and doing well. College calculus is really, really hard. My niece and son struggled and another young person I know can’t make it out of UW Lacrosse because of calculus!<br>
Take advantage of tutoring and office hours. This shows the prof that you care and are willing to work. Make sure you have some FUN and find some people with similar interests so you can just hang out.</p>

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<p>MOWC, you are right about college calculus (my grades in the 70s were from calc, as a matter of fact). UMich actually recommends that students take their calc requirement at a community college (according to many kids I know).</p>

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<p>My sister in law failed three courses her first term at Harvard. She ended up graduating. It sounds like you are on the right track. Use ALL the resources your college offers - that means visiting study centers, going to your professor’s office hours, and going to any math help that might exist. </p>

<p>Try to figure out what study method works best for you. Some people are fine with highlighting textbooks, or just listening to lectures, but I found I didn’t remember anything I didn’t actually write down. I was fine as long as I took copious notes (which my friends often borrowed !) and took notes from textbooks. You might find you need to read things aloud, or wait a few days and review notes more than once. Everyone is different. Look into some other ways of taking notes, you might find the Cornell method helpful for example: [Example</a> - Cornell Note-Taking Format](<a href=“http://www.bucks.edu/~specpop/Cornl-ex.htm]Example”>Example - Cornell Note-Taking Format) and [Cornell</a> Notes - Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia](<a href=“http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cornell_Notes]Cornell”>Cornell Notes - Wikipedia)</p>

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<p>My D takes notes in class, then goes back to her room & types them up into study guides … which she reviews periodically. She also makes flashcards & uses them to study.</p>

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<p>Ginsberg-</p>

<p>There are others in your shoes. They just don’t advertise it. </p>

<p>You are already taking several good steps. Follow through on the counseling center. This can become a cycle and you can use some help with that. Do go to study sessions and office hours. Do all your problem sets and organize, rewrite, and study your notes every night: Every night you have a class. Really. You can see where the disconnects are,and the act of organizing and rewriting the information helps to make it your own. Take organized notes from your texts, too. Same reason. Then get help for the parts that don’t make sense.</p>

<p>And, if, like me, you are not a natural math whiz, here’s how I got through calc: I memorized every darn formula and rule by setting it to music and walking around my room singing them until I had them memorized. Whacky? Yep. But it worked for me.</p>

<p>Hang in there. You know, somewhere inside, that you have what it takes to do this. You are being wise and strong in getting the help necessary to move past this phase.</p>

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<p>You indicated that you took AP Calc BC in another post.</p>

<p>Are you taking Calc I, II or III now? College Calculus can be quite a bit harder and cover more material than high-school AP courses and some students are better off starting with Calculus I or II, even if they’ve had AP Calc BC. I think that taking Calc III at the college level after Calc BC can be pretty rough.</p>

<p>Public Universities often have very large classes with professors covering a lot of students. One of the professors that our son knows teaches 180 Calc I students year in and year out. He has no TAs so getting office hours can be a challenge. Our son tutors calculus, physics and logic design and he is almost always busy. Calc and physics tutors are always in demand at his school. I think that Friday afternoons are a good time to get a lot of time with tutors as many other students start partying early.</p>

<p>There are a lot of parent threads with parents missing their kids and I think that there is nothing wrong with talking to your parents or siblings daily. There’s the phone, email and instant messaging and even videoconferencing for families to keep in touch, even when they’re not physically close.</p>

<p>45 minutes away is pretty nice.</p>

<p>Try to get a jump on your classes for the spring semester by getting your books early and studying up for your classes. There will be less new material and it should help reduce the time pressure in learning new material.</p>

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<p>Been there, done that, got the t-shirt. Except for me it was sophomore year. I attended a small branch campus freshman year, where I was a President’s Scholar with a 4.0. Sophomore year, I transferred to main campus and lost my center. I was overwhelmed, isolated, the new kid on the block, in over my head - and several other cliches. </p>

<p>I lost my scholarship and got put on academic probation. I did seek out professors - some cared more than others, but I was too far gone. I just let it go long enough to where I had convinced myself I couldn’t do it … </p>

<p>Finally, two things happened that turned things around. First, at the end of sophomore year, I had a teacher tell me I didn’t have what it takes, and needed to drop out. That was exactly what I needed to hear, because I hate to be told I CAN’T do something! Then, my junior year, I got a teacher who cared, who recognized that my written performance did not match my clinical (nursing) performance, and sent me to the university’s learning skills center – not a tutoring center, but more of how to study, how to take tests, etc. </p>

<p>I did graduate, and passed my boards. But along the way developed a loathing for my profession, and worked exactly 1 year at it – 27 years ago. I wonder what would have happened had I gotten help sooner.</p>

<p>So first, you are not alone! College is a huge adjustment, and everyone has different challenges. Second, there are ways to help, and the sooner you start, the happier you will be. It sounds to me like you have made a great plan - tutoring, counseling, looking into your school’s resources. Starting right after mid-terms will give you enough time to recover. Also, talking to your teachers about your concerns lets them know you are serious about making progress. They may be able to guide you to especially helpful tutors, or study guides.</p>

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<p>I was in the same boat, Ginsberg, 32 years ago. My family was only an hour away, and I missed them and my high school friends. I got a C- on my first English paper (I now work as an editor and writing consultant, ha ha) and seriously wondered if I was cut out for college.</p>

<p>I wish there had been college counseling back then, or perhaps there was some help I never knew about. I also wish I had tried harder to make friends, because the window for that kind of closes up, at least at small schools. Hang in there and try to make the year as good as possible. If after a year you are still having doubts, you can always transfer closer to home for your degree.</p>

<p>Good luck. I feel for you.</p>

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<p>I wouldn’t worry about visiting home and calling home at this point – do whatever it takes to get you through this rocky period.</p>

<p>It sounds like you are doing very well socially, and your need for home will recede when you get your academics back on track.</p>

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<p>I received multiple panic calls from my daughter yesterday. She had 2 prelims last week, a major paper due today, and her math (her major) prelim tomorrow. She claims she understands nothing of her math class and can’t do any of the proofs. On top of that, she lost her iPhone. I think not having a phone was a bigger deal than her tests.</p>

<p>I asked her, “What’s the worst thing about the phone? You’ll get a new one. Expensive? Yes, but not the end of the world.” It was found and returned to her later.</p>

<p>As far as the test, I said to her, “Have you been studying? Yes? If you feel unsure, then I am sure a lot of kids feel the same way.” She called me back later last night to tell me she is certain she could do 1 out 6 problems that’s going to be on the test. I told her that is one more than a few hours ago. I convinced her to go to bed early last night and get up early this morning to study. As a math major, I always found it easier to absorb materials early in the morning than late at night.</p>

<p>It is perfectly normal to seek advice and comfort from your parents/family when you are stressed. It doesn’t make you weak or immature. Both you and my daughter are lucky that you feel close enough to your parents to talk to when you are stressed. I was not as fortunate when I was in college. Truthfully, all I could do was to listen (couldn’t really study for her), but it did make me feel good that she would call.</p>

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<p>As others have said, you need to marshall and use all your resources (including calling your parents for advice and/or comfort). It’s not as if you are being a recluse or anything. Just make sure you go to your profs during office hours. It’s their desire to help you in any way they can! Let us know how things are going…best to you!</p>

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<p>Talk to your advisor or the dean’s office and find out if you can drop this calculus class. You may still have to pay the tuition for it - it is late in the semester to be dropping a class and getting a refund - but if there is a way to drop it, get out of it. Or can you switch it to pass fail? I think you registered for too high level of a college calculus class. It sounds like you are in third semester calculus when second semester would have been better - a chance to get used to taking college level calculus.</p>

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<p>Listen to the wise advice other posters have offered. Get enough rest, and be kind to yourself. I think you’ll be just fine!</p>