Paralyzed by Fear

Hi. First time to start a thread. I have a child who has done exceptionally well in high school and received national, regional, and local honors across a variety of things. However, when it comes to discussing plans beyond (college, work, etc), said child just shuts down. On the rare occasion that the child brings up college, it makes no sense and any question on the school, plans, etc goes unanswered.

I spoke to a friend who works in a high school and he suggests that this is fairly common today. He thinks that fear of the weight of any decision dominates them to such an extent that they are paralyzed.

We have gone from puzzled to frustrated back to puzzled and now to confused and concerned. College admissions has gone from a simple exercise in my day to this orchestrated, and highly-financed audition spread out over years of crafting. We tried to stay out of most things other than to encourage meaningful study and enjoyable activities.

We have clearly signaled we are extremely flexible on anything college and work related save for two things. One, we can only contribute up to a certain amount as there are other children and our funds are limited. Two, we don’t want to fund any blasé indifference. Going college undeclared but wide-eyed and excited is perfectly fine, but we don’t want to finance the child if there is no interest in learning and university is just an excuse to join a social scene of fellow 18-22 year-olds. We would rather wait until said child demonstrates he/she would engage in the academic opportunities that college offers.

We just cannot understand why can neither reach the child nor why the child remains so paralyzed with all things college. At this point, I could not venture any guess what will happen by next year when applications take place.

Has anyone seen or experienced this? Thanks for any advice, tips or pointers.Thanks.

What grade is the student in?

How limiting are the cost limits?

College is a time to explore different things, and learn. It sort of sounds like you are expecting your kiddo to go to college with a specific major or majors in mind…and maybe that is the crux of the dead end discussions.

Some kids just don’t know what they want for a career or major when they are high school students. They just don’t. They go to college as undeclared and take courses. Something or someone piques their interest and they go from there.

I do understand financial limits…that’s fine. But maybe your kiddo feels like he HAS to choose the right something or you won’t fund his college education.

ETA…it sounds like your kiddo is a HS junior. He hasn’t even taken the PSAT yet, or the SAT or ACT. Without those scores…”choosing” colleges is a shot in the dark.

Thumper1–I didn’t read it that way. The OP says “Going college undeclared but wide-eyed and excited is perfectly fine, but we don’t want to finance the child if there is no interest in learning”—that doesn’t sound like having to choose the “right”, or any, major yet.

I will say that “paralyzed by fear” and “no interest in learning” are two entirely different issues. Unless we have a better insight into which of these the OP’s child is demonstrating, I don’t think it’s easy to advise helpfully.

I also want to add…sometimes boys are later to get interested in college talk.

Maybe stop mentioning college for a couple of months…and pick up the discussion again after the first of the year.

@ucbalumnus: Senior. Gap Year possibility. Limits. We figure we can afford about $20-$25K/year…maybe $30K.

@thumper1: Quite the contrary–I guess I did not express myself well enough. I want them to explore, to engage, to experiment, etc. Perception: that is possible, thought we have had numerous conversations emphasizing that what matters most is using the college experience to take ownership of herself and future.

Year: the child in question is a senior with a gap year as a possibility. Scored 99th percentile on both sections on PSAT and SAT. I am trying to obfuscate a bit to maintain anonymity.

Is your daughter’s GPA consistent with her test scores? If yes she is clearly a high achieving student so it seems unlikely she’s be worried about her ability to do college level work - and it would seem reasonable to expect that she’ would engage in learning at college the same way she has in high school.

Has her guidance counselor has any conversations with her about college? If yes how do those conversations go? Is your daughter more open to discussing college planning with her counselor?

Well asking just the simplest questions first…has she applied for any colleges at all yet? Are there state universities that you feel would be true safeties (sounds like her scores are great) that she could easily apply to and at least break the logjam that way?

(and i’ll add here that I would divide the tasks in two ways…first, just apply…don’t worry if she’s going next year or doing the gap…see what’s out there and then it might not seem so overwhelming to her).

If your child is a senior, then applications should be taking place now, not next year.

Have you run the net price calculator for your state’s flagship? Does it match your budget? Have you had any discussions with your child in previous years about what her plans are after high school?

So if she scored 99th %ile on the PSAT, is she a NMF?

Maybe a gap year is a good idea. If she really doesn’t want to deal with college discussions now…as a senior…then perhaps she could do a well organized gap year.

Would she be amniable to something like Americorp?

And apologies…I thought this was a son!

It’s September. My advice about not mentioning college for a month still goes. Just don’t even talk about it again until the beginning of November. There will still be plenty of time to get regular decision applications done…if she decides to.

Another option…when the subject comes up again…apply now to schools that will allow her to defer her enrollment. So she would be accepted…but wouldn’t start for another year.

@garland: yes, thanks. Child has evolved own distinct personality. I actually embrace the stubbornness to want own path, but surprised at paralysis at this stage of application season.

Like many young adults, child is much more aware of what he/she does not want than wants.

The “no interest is learning” is just one of our two conditions for all the kids. With this one, I am not yet convinced that the condition is not binding. The others are more curious. This one is a CV building machine but without much curiosity. Us parents are left brained. This child is more balanced, though has a super left brain. We actually LOVE the right side and the happiness it brings.

So yes, I agree the two are different and I think both are in play.

Paralysis: Spring: did not study for SATs, and yet scored well (1500+). This summer, not a second spent on thinking of college, much less applications. Eye rolls if we bring up college, despite daily college solicitations arriving in the mail. No searching. No lists. No discussions. Just all so weird. I just want to hug the child. Then out of the blue, how about school X (why? a friend mentioned it). “Tell me more.” silence or “Well, X said it was good.” But no follow up or due diligence. with 99% of other activities the child is fastidious and organized. Confounds us why the ball is being dropped, especially given child states that he/she wants to go and not wait.

Not Interested in Learning. This is a gut feeling. Not curious whatsoever save for friends, interests, pleasing teachers, and all but parents. Laser focused on getting good grades. Going through a list of majors–no detectable reaction. Child is sharp and mature enough to go into a corporate work directly out of high school, save perhaps for hiring filters. Child seeks the culture. and experience of college (which we are all for). But without any interest in the academic mission of the university, we often wonder, “why not go directly to work?” It may change…but now at the precipice of applications, it hasn’t not even in that fantasy or wide eyed way. No pulse. Here our reactions are more of frustration. It would not surprise me if deadlines come and go without any action taken .

Was a star of own making in high school. We did not push this or that. Dropped certain pursuits despite showing great promise. We were okay with that despite scratching our heads a bit.

We think time and distance may do the trick, like a gap year. But then there is great resistance. “I don’t want to wait.” Perhaps the reason it would be seen as losing a year. We are like, “well…then apply and get a list together of schools and start of thinking of the ‘whys’ of schools and majors.” Just seeing the process starting would be huge. The response is almost if the application process is our fault. The logic used is often maddeningly circular.

We want to let go completely. But this means quite a move of distance as we live in a remote area with few jobs. So are the financial lifeline…

Non-university options: We are fine with JC, even out of state. We are fine with going to work, even in a major city, in which case we would help.

Other parent is more frustrated than me and less flexible. thinks we ought to simply impose. I don’t think so. This child wants independence and is incredibly stubborn. From us, no problem. But the application process to get into all but a handful of universities, is not about Mom and Dad but what those schools require.

I’ll end with what think will happen. I think a couple of rather random and mediocre applications will be submitted with most stuff done at last moment and first drafts of essays submitted. It will be a couple of reach schools and oddball options. No safeties. Either that or no action will be taken.

We would rather a gap year be taken and that the extra time and distance used to reflect and so this time next year, the child, a year wiser, is in a better position to apply.

If this child decides to apply to colleges…You should ask for one parent pick. I would choose the state flagship in your state.

If she wants an easy application, acceptance, and likely good merit aid, she could apply to university of Alabama right now…and get an acceptance within a couple of weeks. It’s an easy and quick application and a good way to get her feet wet in the application process.

Is she a national merit finalist?

We are in a similar situation with our oldest. He has decent scores and ok grades to get into a bunch of schools but his issue is total paralysis with choosing a major. I remember when going to school undecided was not a big deal but you have to admit things have changed. Kids feel that pressure of needing to know what field of study they will go into.

Our son doesn’t want to take a gap year and we agree as we don’t feel it would make much of a difference with his paralysis. So he has chosen a large university that has every major he is interested in. We feel that he needs to get away (from his similarly-paralyzed high school friends) and have a fresh start. He now is actually excited about attending.

I find this a confusing statement. Could it be that your child really does have an interest in learning but simply expresses it differently then the rest of the family? Is it possible that she is feeling pressure to assure you that she really loves learning and doesn’t know how to do it?

Also, many kids find it hard to articulate what they want in a school or why the like or dislike a particular place. Perhaps let her apply to whatever schools she chooses that are within budget and put no pressure on her to explain.

Finally, many of us (myself included) have high achieving kids who somehow hit a brick wall with college planning. For one of my kids, I really needed to step in and steer the ship. Help build the lists, push to get applications done, really take her by the hand and walk her through. I don’t know why this happens, but I have read it about others in the same situation. Happily, most of these kids just needed to push to get into college. They seem to be fine once they get there and become their competant, successful selves once again.

Yes, this was my eldest. I dragged her through the whole process. We couldn’t even have a conversation about it… she could not express why she was sobbing when I dropped her off for open house for the honors program at the local college or why she just didn’t do the video interview requested of her from another fantastic school. Her anxiety was through the roof despite having completed two years of full-time dual enrollment with nothing under an “A.” It wasn’t like she was afraid of college. She was doing college. She was afraid of judgement. Smart kids often harbor feelings of being a fraud… that someday the proof will come out that they were never that smart. College admissions seems a pretty powerful litmus test to them. FWIW, she graduated college this May. Loved every minute of college and now out in the world supporting herself. My son was cake in comparison.

My tips which I’m sure Will be repetitious this far in the thread.

  1. Assign specific days for college talk and stick to it... no even minor 20 second convos. She needs to know there are days she doesn’t have to fear.
  2. Apply to a rolling admission safety school early. Even if it’s at the bottom of her list, it feels good to know you CAN go somewhere.
  3. Leave well enough alone. The essay isn’t going to be their best work in most cases. After 3 test sittings it’s unlikely scores will go up... don’t let them obsess over 50 points. Read your child and know when to cheer and say something is great just because they need to stop.
  4. Try to avoid public conversations about her journey as in, don’t talk about it at Thanksgiving or ask her friends about it even if it seem innocuous.
  5. Plan some fun. Find ways to help her decompress. My own kid did well with some nature therapy. We did a lot of camping senior year.

Best of luck to you. She will be ok.

Some kids just aren’t able to put the pieces together when it comes to college apps.

When I was a senior, I’d done nothing toward college applications other than take the SAT and go on a few college vists. I hadn’t actually applied anywhere.

One day, my calculus teacher asked me where I was going and asked if I would go to UT Dallas if he helped me get a scholarship. He gave me the app to fill out and told me to write a letter to the school. I did those things, and he did the rest.

I went to UTD and had a great experience - learned a lot, met dh, made lifelong friends, graduated summa cum laude.

I have friends with similar stories. One even said the app was filled out for her. She just signed it.

I think some kids just need help getting in and will do fine once they get there.

Your dd may not know how to answer your questions. Maybe bring her a list of schools that fit your budget, etc., and include some of the ones she mentioned. Talk her through why they may/may not be a good fit. Narrow the list down and sit down with her while she fills in the app. Talk to her about what makes a essay. Give her a to do list.

Also, re: her love of learning - maybe it’s just a difference in personality type. I am less of a thinker and more of a doer. It takes all types to make the world go round. Accept your dd as she is. It really is okay that she’s different than others in the family.

OP- I’m going to tell you something you don’t want to hear right now- you are not going to get it right. Nobody ever does, but with a people-pleasing type of kid, at least you have the illusion (or delusion) that you are getting it right.

Kid doesn’t want to apply to college? Great. Tell kid here are your options- live at home, we’ll charge you $80 in rent a week, you can use the laundry for free. What’s your plan? Or- apply to teach English overseas, join the military, here are a bunch of brochures (or websites since I realize it isn’t 1963 anymore) let us know what you think. Or- here are a couple of colleges that are affordable, the applications look easy enough, let us know when you need our credit card to pay the application fee.

You can’t make a kid want to learn the way you do, and you can’t make a kid want to go to college for the reasons YOU want the kid to go to college (intellectual thirst, etc). All you can do is make the boundaries clear- we can afford X, we can’t afford Y, and let the chips fall where they may for now.

Those scores won’t go away. The GPA isn’t disappearing. Your kids intrinsic smarts aren’t going to evaporate if your kid spends next year working as a nanny in Palo Alto for more money than you could imagine someone would pay for childcare. And you can’t make your kid want to study cultural anthropology or art history or urban planning or any one of a hundred cool things your kid could be studying.

So set out the limits- here’s what will work for us as a family (live here, move out, go to college, here’s what we can afford) and express your love and support.

Your kid is smart enough to apply to your state flagship and four other colleges that her friends are buzzing about. If she’s not happy with her choices come April, you get to say “let’s figure out next year” or say “you made your bed… now work it out” or whatever works for you. But talking to the wall is increasing YOUR frustration and sure isn’t increasing your kids enthusiasm for higher education.

Instead of focusing on which college as the end game, think about what she wants as a career. It may come down to one or maybe a couple of choices. From there you can start to figure out a path to that career. And from there the college choice will start to come into focus. It will still be somewhat intimidating but hopefully the realization that there are several viable choices and it isn’t overly critical which college you choose as college is just a step to where you ultimately want to be.

I wonder if your concerns about major are a problem. My kids were given the message that I would help pay for 8 semesters, and that is it. At the end they have to graduate & be self supporting within a few months. But I left the decision on how to do that up to them. One studied Poli Sci and got a good job out of college where her liberal arts skills were useful and she has climbed the ladder. The other got info a funded PhD program in a STEM subject and is living pretty happily on a smallish stipend in a more rural part of the country. Pressure to do something parents consider “useful” isn’t always helpful. But the knowledge that there is a limit on family financial support can be. Of course if my kids had health problems or something, I’d have helped beyond that. But didn’t tell them that part. :wink: