This is a spin-off from the She got engaged?! thread.
@gouf78 asked “But what to do if those walls between parents and kids are already up? Any advice on bringing them down?”
Apologize if it’s called for.
For me, the biggest thing was helping clarify early on in the conversation as to whether it was venting vs problem solving. This was a major issue with several of the conversations. Clarifying has made conversations much more productive and less emotional.
Don’t dismiss the feelings of others. Perspective is personal and isn’t right or wrong.
I grew up in what I considered a toxic environment- alcoholism, verbal abuse, highly critical parents, etc… I was frankly afraid of my father after 5 pm and my mom was very volatile and would erupt with no notice.
My parents, who grew up during WW II in Europe, thought that because we had financial stability, that they were parents of the year. They felt that they sacrificed to work hard and sent us to college, that the emotional stuff didn’t matter.
My mother softened a lot and our relationship improved a ton after I left the house. She was trying to keep the family drinking secrets and when she didn’t have to, things got better. She was also quick to apologize when she hurt people.
Relationship with dad is still very strained. He doubles down on how awesome he is if anyone says anything even slightly negative. Ive been trying super hard to remember what he went through in his own childhood bring food insecure, homeless for a time after bombings, etc… it’s not in his wheelhouse to think beyond the basics. I need solid personal boundaries with my father though as he’s still actively drinking and can escalate quickly and become verbally and physically abusive. Distance is my friend.
Are you asking from a parent’s or kid’s standpoint?
My father had a temper and it was his way or no way. Our relationship was difficult until after I’ve had my own kids. I guess I became more forgiving and he softened. I think the biggest issue I had with my parents was I never felt like they were on my side, it was what was good for them. Few years before my father passed away we had a casual talk. He said to me, “You are a great mom. I wish I could have been as good of a parent.”
My own mother died when I was 20. I ADORED her. It was tragic.
My dad was a depressed alcoholic. Although he was relatively harmless and not unkind, he could be really difficult. All four of us kids kept him at arm’s length (setting boundaries!) to keep the annoyances to a minimum. I think my two oldest siblings handled the brunt of it. He is long gone now.
So, I’d say I have had no models for what a parent - adult kid relationship is like from either end. My relationship with my mother is frozen at 20 & 53. I never got to know my dad as an adult, as contact was so infrequent & superficial.
Both of my parents were only children, so no uncles/aunts/cousins.
I have two daughters in their early 20s – both done with college. One was “easy” (D1) and one was “difficult” (D2). Like, since toddlerhood.
D2 keeps us at arm’s length. She is 95% off the payroll, so we really have nothing to say about her decisions. She certainly does not share much and is not asking for our advice/opinion/approval. She rarely comes home and we rarely visit her (she lives about 8 hours away by car). She will text with us, but it’s very light. We know very little about her life.
It’s always been hard to have a conversation with her because she will clam up. Too many questions will get silence or one word answers.
I am in a place where I’m just sort of grateful she has not cut us out completely. For reasons I may never understand, she is just not that into us. Or, maybe it’s painful to be with us. IDK.
She will not let us on her social media accounts. She has recently blocked her sister.
Over the last few months, we have learned some things that are really hard for us to wrap our heads around. The biggest one is she is apparently engaged to a man in his 40s. She didn’t tell us. Her sister found out, indirectly, and asked us if we wanted to know.
Our relationship with D1 is MUCH more “normal” & “easy”. It’s very hard to have such different relationships with each kid.
No question really…
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That sounds very difficult. My relationships with the kids are very different, some easier than others.
@oldfort-- From the parent’s viewpoint but knowing both sides is extremely helpful. It creates empathy for both sides.
@Midwest67 I just found this thread through another thread. I really went off the rails when I was in my 20s and 30s and I was always terrified of needing my parents because I was afraid they would judge me.
The fact that she texts superficially means that she is keeping the door open from her side. I think I might have pulled myself out of some truly terrible situations if I knew that the door was always open with my parents. Unfortunately my mother became severely disabled when I was 33 and I lost that feeling of a refuge with my parents.
Just keep the door open if you can. No matter what. And (((((hugs))))).
Thank you @oldmom4896
I think the best thing we can do is have an genuine and active interest in our kids and things that matter to them. It can be hard as each one has his/her own personality. Being emotionally available and empathizing when and if they share is good. It’s a work in progress, for sure.
For S and I, what has helped is to ask whether we were problem solving or venting when something bothered us. Once that was clarified (for each situation), it helped us both. It took me longer than I care to remember to figure this out but saved my relationship with S.
I like the image of parent as tree and kids as squirrels. They come close, move away, come back and I stay in place. This helps me. It is really up to them to determine distance and closeness.
One of mine has stayed close, one is close but needs a lot of space, and one was distant while negotiating independence and came back. I have tried to remain consistently available and loving while not intrusive, always a balance.