Parent child relationship

Parent Cafe
1

<p>Before I go into detail, I want to state that I really love my family.
Question is for any parent/kid who has experainced increasing frustration/relationaship strains with a parent.
I am going to be a college freshman, and the past two years I’ve been getting in more and more pointless and redundent arguments with(for the most part) my mother. We are very close, but she can really make my blood boil.
I feel as though she sometimes is attempting to spark an argument with needless snide remarks.
My mother complains I do nothing, despite the fact that I do the house chores during the week, so she comes home to a clean house and no laundary or dishes. Yet she allows my 10 yr old brother to play video games/computer games/watch tv the ENTIRE day(most of the mess is that of my brothers). He has no chores unless he invites someone over. He once was too lazy to bring a glass of milk to the sink, and let it curddle instead, but mom was ok with it. But if I leave the paper on the table, she throws a fit. </p>

<p>My mother will get angry if she comes home and I’m watching tv, even though the house is clean. It angers me how my brother contributes nothing to the household, except making a mess. I am sick of her saying "he’s only 10, do you want me to treat you like your 10?', despite the fact I was much less coddled at 10(I could get myself lunch, clean up after myself, run the sweeper). It angers me to see how my brother is waited on hand and foot. </p>

<p>My mother makes snippy remarks if I have a nightime snack, but says nothing if my father does.
She seemingly attempts to start arguments.
Ex
She’ll say if you can’t do it, I’ll find someone else. When I say fine, she reneges on statement, as she had no real intention of doing so.
Or
My knee hurts, I tweaked it in practice.
Well do you WANT me to schedule an MRI(a lot of attitude) if it hurts so bad?
She only says something extreme to delegitimize my injury/illness(including the time when she said my depression was rooted in my diet).
She keeps nagging me about picking out a computer, when I told her months ago I wanted a mac. I get tired of he bringing up non issues.</p>

<p>When she claims I do nothing all day, I tell her I spent an hour cleaning and doing laundary, went to the gym, read, took the dog for a walk etc, and she gets angry and walks away. And sadly this happens at least once a week. I am really getting tired of this BS.</p>

<p>And she pulls the famous ‘I never said that’ card.
I can’t deal with her constant hypocricy and double standards.
(She’s really chill when it comes to me going out)
If my mother is already making me this angry, how will I deal with her when I get back from school? Any way to avoid these pointless conflicts or any tricks to make her stop bringing up the same issues again and again? I feel like I wouldn’t be able to put up with this crap after I am on my own for 8mths, and am really holding back as it is.</p>

2

<p>You are not your father, and if your mother doesn['t comment to him about having a snack, but says something to you, do you honestly think there is something wrong with that? That she doesn’t treat you the same as she treats her husband?</p>

3

<p>Have you tried writing your mother to explain your feelings? If not, consider doing so, and starting with something similar to what you began your post with here…“First, I want you to know that I really love you.” Ending with something similar is also wise. Between, state the specific examples of what is causing you pain and note that these issues are causing you pain without calling her a pain. Note that you are a loving person who is doing plenty around the house and deserves respect <em>and</em> appreciation. Ask that she catch you “being good” rather than take for granted whatever good you do and put her focus on whatever she isn’t wild about (paper on the counter, etc.). Try to also note what good things you see in her and appreciate in her.</p>

<p>And understand that “breaking up is hard to do” even when it’s between parents and children (for both the parents and the children quite often) and that it is quite common for emotions to run especially strong at this transitional period in life. As my mother (who died when I was 17 and had just started college) always said to me when I was upset about something…</p>

<p>“This too will pass.”</p>

<p>Be glad if “what” is passing isn’t a loved one. Try to focus on the positives in life as best you can.</p>

4

<p>When she claims I do nothing all day, I tell her I spent an hour cleaning and doing laundary, went to the gym, read, took the dog for a walk etc, and she gets angry and walks away.</p>

<p>A whole hour! What about the other 23 hours? You didn’t mention anything about working at a summer job? Could it be that there is more to this story? You mentioned issues with depression. Have you been treated for your depression? Do you talk with a counselor? I do find it a little odd that you’re so focused (and possibly a bit jealous) on the behavior of your 10 year old brother. He’s 10, not 18. Perhaps your depression is resurfacing.</p>

5

<p>Wow, sounds a lot like my parents. I was spending 20-30 hours a week last summer at the gym/pool for practice, then 30 hours a week at my job. The rest was spent hanging out with friends or getting ready for college. But the fact that I didn’t change my oil the day my dad told me to set him off (the place closed earlier than I thought it would). My mom supported my dad too. And they went off about how lazy I was, when I really was just extremely burnt out from high school. It really hurt our relationship all around, and it wasn’t the first time they had brought up some ridiculous point like that. They would bring them up during the year when I would be juggling toughest possible courseload, varsity sport, etc.</p>

<p>I can feel your mom’s hypocrisy too. My mom will be like “you need to focus on this scholarship or try to get into that school” and then supplement with “you really work too hard and you need to stop doing too much.” Well I just stopped listening to all of it and really don’t listen to any of her advice anymore. Ever. Unless I specifically ask for it (which is rare). I just can’t take her naggy attitude. Just do what you want at this point and don’t get worked up over what your mom says.</p>

6

<p>You said you noticed this over the last couple of years. But is she always like this? Do you never have nice, normal conversations with her? I know when I get stressed, like when it gets close to time for my kids to head back to college, I sound a little like your mom. My kids will tell me that my tone changes, I repeat things, I pick on little things, and act generally, well, stressed! Maybe it’s separation anxiety, she’s apprehensive about you going away. Are you the first or only one in your family to head to college? On the other hand, maybe you are just noticing this more now. Can you talk to your mom about it? Maybe joke a little. I took it well when my daughter pointed out what I was doing. She still reminds me when I begin to sound like that again, and I can take a step back and see myself from her perspective.</p>

7

<p>I have worked a basic parttime job for a year. I also am a soccer ref, and have done 3 weekend tournaments between june and july, which brought in over $750, and earned about $300 for games in the spring. These issues have nothing to do with money.<br>
The reason I don’t like the fact my brother does nothing is that I had chores at his age, and he is completely coddled and makes a huge mess.
I spend between 2 and 3 hours conditioning/running/practicing for soccer. The dog walk is an hour, and I pick up and drop off my brother at camp. </p>

<p>It feels like its just a cycle of the same disagreements. Or recently she said I should find a soccer team to work out with. I’ve told her 10 times since that no one except hs teams are practicing(and they just play pickup), and there is no team to work out with. I have explaind this many times, yet she keeps bringing it up.</p>

<p>It absolutley drives me insane!</p>

<p>Im about to leave and I would like this time to not be spent on repetitive arguments, especially since nothing changes after these fights.</p>

8

<p>Parents can sometimes think that their kids are just kids and not understand that they are growing into adults. And it can create a lot of friction.</p>

9

<p>Other than petty arguments, my mom and I are really close and have a great relationship. I tell her everytime we have an argument that she has double standards, or gives me a condesending tone.
I have noticed the behavior the last 2 years, just due to the fact I was more aware of it. The fights I have with my parents are almost always over stupid, little things which is frustrating.</p>

10

<p>Several things come to mind.</p>

<ol>
<li><p>forget about your mother’s relationship with your brother or father. For better or worse, those relationships are not your business. Your brother no doubt has complaints about you. Just let it go.</p></li>
<li><p>particularly, forget about comparing yourself at 10 with your brother. </p></li>
<li><p>Be proactive whenever possible. have you given her a specific proposal about the mac, a specific model with specific features? If not, do that. If so, ask her kindly but persistently for her response to that specific proposal.</p></li>
<li><p>don’t speculate on her motivation. You have no way of knowing that her intentions are to “delegitimize” your injuries. And what does it matter if that is her motivation? Focus on taking practical steps to address specific problems.</p></li>
<li><p>don’t speculate on her motivation! Whether or not she is trying to spark an argument, it takes two people to argue. No one is forcing you to join in. You cannot control other people, you can only control yourself. So: control yourself!</p></li>
<li><p>

Stick to specific issues, one at a time. Address each specific issue in a calm manner. Avoid making global statements, such as the one quoted.</p></li>
<li><p>After college: don’'t worry about that right now. Your return from college is a long ways away. Focus now on today’s specific issues, and address them one by one, calmly.</p></li>
</ol>

11

<p>As I mentioned earlier and reiterated by ADad, stop comparing the way your Mom treats you to the way she treats a 10 year old. Let her know that you’re ready to go to store to buy the computer and just do it. You spend 2-3 hours conditioning, walk the dog, and pick up your brother from camp. What do you do with the rest of your time? A summer job will get you out of the house and give you something else to focus on rather than your little brother. Also, address your depression before your anger to those around you escalates.</p>

12

<p>She asked you once again about what computer you want? Is she buying you a new one? Poor baby</p>

<p>When my husband comes home after his sport, he complains sbout pains, etc. I just laugh or ignore him, or ask if he wants a saw. Its his sport, his aches. DO I love him less because I don’t get all gushy about his tweaked ankle? No, its just after years of it, eh, I know its not a big deal. What exactlly would you have your mother do? Wait on you hand an foot? Massage your feet? What would you have her reaction be? Do you think if you were really hurt she wouldn’t be able to tell the difference?</p>

<p>i don’t see hypicracy at all. I see a mom with a adult offspring who thinks mom is a pain because she dares to ask about what his/her computer choice is, who thinks they should be treated the same as a 10 year old and their father, though they are neither one, who resents a 10 year old, who seems to be given lots of freedom, who wants applause everytime they do some nice, etc.</p>

<p>It is wonderful you are cleaning the house and walking the dog. Maybe she should be nicer about that, but if that is how you are spending your days, I can see her frustration.</p>

<p>Are you working- i mean how many hours a week? Are you getting up at a reasonable time? Is your mom working? And you know what, get over it if she asks you the same question and you have “explained” it. Maybe how you “explain” it comes with attitude. </p>

<p>You worked three weekend in two months. You drop off your brother, which means you have a car. </p>

<p>If your biggest complaint is that your mother annoys you, welcome to the world of adult/offspring relationships.</p>

<p>She is annoying, big deal. See her for who she is- the mother who is sending you to college, is buying you a computer, is letting you drive a car, who doesn’t hastle you about going out, who seems to want to encourage you to find other people to hang out with, who thinks that even pickup soccer games have value (they do by the way), who doesn’t get all mushy when your knee hurts, who has a child who is spending most of their summer doing one thing- soccer, who has a child who is 18 but who resents a little brother, yet wants to be treated just like dad. (one time my daughter tried to pull that, but dad can…Not a smart idea for any child to do, btw), and who isn’t demanding anything of you really, jsut want to see you do more. Gasp the horror.</p>

13

<p>I do work a summer job, on top of sporadic tournament work. I will be gone a total of 5 weekends to ref soccer and obtain my coaching license, and will be coaching camps as well.
On top of working out and outdoor activity during the daytime, including grocery shopping and errands, I stay home with my brother for 3-4 hours after his day camp until my parents come home. Use the time to clean house, practice, read, ets;.
Then I go for a 45 min run/sprints for an hour, if I work, I go to work, if not, I come home for dinner and then go out.
I am only frustrated with my mothers handling of my brother becaue most of the cleaning I do is a result of his laziness. If he can figure out how to set up a YouTube account, he is capable of putting his dishes in the sink and putting his stuff away. My mother delegated responsibilities to me at 10, and I cleaned up after myself at that age. It is a comparision of how she treated me at 10 to how my brother is.
He has no issues with me becuase 1) he doesn’t clean up after my messes 2)I don’t ruin family events for him. </p>

<p>My grandmother gave me money for graduating to buy a computer, and I’ve already done all the research. Since I am not 18, I need an adult for some of the paper work, so I can’t just buy it myself. I won’t be 18 until August 21, so I have to get a mac before I am 18.</p>

<p>The whole deligitmizing thing is her snippy little way to say stop complaining, she uses this on my brother as well. “My stomach hurts” Should I take you to the hospital then?(tons of sarcasm). Why else would one make such a statement?</p>

<p>The last 3 years I have had jaw popping and pain. She says it’s not anything serious and that I’m find. While away on orientation, I was experiancing painful headaches/migraines and ear pain, and thought it was an ear infection. I asked her during three seperate phone conversations to make an appointment, and she finally did. Turns out all that jaw pain has been the cause of all my headaches and migraines. Or she tells me my night terror(banging on doors while screaming, running down the hall) are caused by eating before bed(she is not a doctor). </p>

<p>Some of the things my mother says are just scream ulterior motive, as I don’t know why she would renege on promised/statements after I got so excites(ex, she said it would be ok to get a tatoo before I went to school, and then any time I mention it she changes the subject/makes excuses). The problem is there are countless times when she sets double standards(it’s ok for person x, but not me) and controdicts herself(“there’s a thousand things to do around this house and you shouldn’t be sitting in bed watching tv” 5 minutes later she’s sitting on the couch watching tv.) </p>

<p>I don’t think it’s worth the conflict and additional fights to bring up every way she does, as it would also be quite time consuming. It would be so much easier if she could hear a recording of what she says.
I really just want to know if there’s a way to nicely say all this to her? It’s tought to say “mom, you make my blood boil when you do a,b,c,d,e,f,g,h things.”. It seems like a losing battle, because most people will become defensive in that situation.</p>

14

<p>While I have lots of thoughts, I’ll confine them to the issue of forgetting how your mother treats your brother. Why? Because my sister turns 53 next month and still acts jealous of me, the baby of the family. </p>

<p>Up until a couple of years ago, she was extremely jealous of me. And then, when we each had kids, she transferred that jealousy onto my children. It was really painful for me. Was I treated better than my siblings? Maybe. By the time I came along, my parents were much more chill, so I probably did benefit from coming along later in their lives. I can give you myriad examples, but does it matter? The point is, this is a 50+ year old woman, still holding on to this stuff? At what point does a person let 35yo transgressions go?</p>

<p>Now, at 18, you are still young, but I think you will be much happier if you start embracing the concept of “You can’t change a person, only your response to that person.” Believe me, there are plenty of examples I could give of how my sister was treated better than me at times, but really, geez. What good does it do to hold on to that bitterness? Our parents – mine and yours, I’m sure – do the best they can with what they have to work with at the time. Worry less about your mom’s relationship with your brother, and you will be much happier every day forward.</p>

15

<p>It is very frustrating when people don’t follow through, when they don’t listen, when they don’t fulfill their responsibilities.</p>

<p>You will be able to go to your college’s health center to address basic medical issues. You will also be able to use your college’s counseling center if necessary. Those resources are about a month away from you.</p>

<p>Regarding your brother: just let it go. He is 10. I have four kids, your description of your brother’s behavior at age 10 does not seem unusual to me. This is how young children often are. It is sometimes very frustrating to raise or care for young children. It sounds like you are handling your responsibilities well. </p>

<p>Just let it go.</p>

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</p>

<p>You are right. Most people will become defensive if you raise eight issues with them at once. I know of no nice or effective way to do that.</p>

<p>I suggest that you pick out the most important specific issue, and raise that one in a calm, detailed manner. Seek a practical resolution of that one issue. </p>

<p>Then, when the first issue is resolved or stuck, figure out the second most important, specific issue.</p>

<p>Always specifically, in a detailed manner, and calmly.</p>

16

<p>The summer before you leave for college is an emotional mine field fraught with danger; it is quite possible that both you and your mom and more reactive to what the other one says.</p>

<p>Your mom may be thinking this is her last summer to impart wisdom, to do parenting, to make sure you are ready for college, etc. </p>

<p>ADad has some really good points, break down the frustrations to things about which something can be done and do it, and things that are not going to change or which do not really affect you (your little brother’s lack of chores)</p>

<p>All adults, from 18-80, wonder why others do things the way they do. My DH is always commenting on how his parents should do something differently, whilst they have always felt free to tell us how they feel we should do things :wink: You may have some really good points and ideas, but they are not your choices to make, so try to drop those issues, even if you are right :eek:</p>

<p>On your little brother, if he has no chores that’s not your issue, if he makes a big mess and you are supposed to either clean it up or direct him to do so, maybe you could talk to your mom about your limitations. You and your mom can look at the same situation and you can feel like you’ve done tons to “help out” whereas she wants to see a new adult taking full adult responsibility…kinda like the difference between a young Dad saying he is babysitting his own kids when he is actually parenting- it’s the taking ownership of the obligation. Maybe she is thinking as an adult you should do that at home. With my kids I can see that they take full responsibility for all chores in their own homes, but still revert to being kids at home :D</p>

<p>Try to think of her comments as one last chance to empower you before she sends you out in the world, a comment to your Dad about a late snack is probably pointless; a comment to you may be trying to make you be aware before you have to fight the freshman 15, though I really think no one should be commenting on another adult’s weight. If one is over weight they know it and no one else needs to point it out! Especially not parents, that is not going to help at all!</p>

17

<p>To OP: You don’t have to like parent’s behavior; I’m sure they don’t always like yours. At 18, or nearly 18 you soon can make adult decisions and be treated like an adult. Once you’re 18, you must make decisions like many other adults make every day, whether 18, 28, 48, or more. Just ask your self “do I like my life?” If not, then do something to change it- education, job, health, friends, mate, whatever is within your control to change. Look at the balance- if I choose option A what will happen? Option B? If you feel its’ so bad you just can’t live under parents thumb then make an adult choice and support yourself. Make your own rules! Live your life your way! Pay all your own bills. When you do that, you earn the right to make your own rules. Just like any adult with a job(for example) if he dislikes the job bad enough then seek another job. If its not that bad keep it.</p>

18

<p>Perhaps consider looking into acceptance. For example, here is part of a meditation on acceptance:</p>

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<p>[Loving</a> Kindness Meditation - Patience and Acceptance](<a href=“http://www.leighb.com/patience.htm]Loving”>Loving Kindness Meditation - Patience and Acceptance)</p>

19

<p>I think it is great that your are helping out at home with chores and with your brother. One of the joys and downfalls of being the eldest is that generally you are more responsible and expected to do more than subsequent siblings. Younger siblings also tend to get away with more simply because parents try harder to do everything right with the first child and relax and relent much more with the next in line…as much from exhaustion as anything else. Not fair for the older one but just the way it is. I don’t know why your mother is not taking your health concerns seriously but you will soon be able to visit the college doctor whenever you want so even though much is annoying right now, hang on for a few short weeks more. But…as another poster said, I would write her a letter explaining without criticizing, how her actions make you feel.</p>

20

<p>When do you go to school? You can try to follow some of the previous posters’ advice, but really this is something you’re just going to have to wait out. It will be better next summer.</p>