An interesting read that talks about what some view as “over-involved” parenting. It also includes some data separated by gender about the types of communications parents get from their adult children.
This is a gift link, so all should be able to read it for free:
I’m fairly receptive to the argument that the strong norm of independence-at-18 I experienced as a young adult was more the aberration in the greater sweep of human history. In practice, I am more or less prepared to always “lose the argument” when my instinct is more to force independence and my wife’s is more to keep providing support. Although so far this is all pre-college, I think it is leading toward us likely being more involved–if wanted–than my parents were once I went to college.
And that is probably fine. I certainly would enjoy that, and I am coming around to it not being a bad thing as long as there is in fact still progress toward greater independence over time.
Such Gen X energy here. I relate to everything you said. Spouse and I (and most of our friends) have been quite independent since young adulthood.
An older colleague once expressed surprise that my spouse and I (at the time 35 with 2 kids and a mortgage) had not received financial help from our parents since we were young. I was equally surprised that my colleague still gave his adult son (also with a mortgage and kids) money regularly. In our circles, it was unusual for parents to do that much beyond graduation. We were just used to doing things on our own in so many categories.
Spouse and I greatly value independence and have tried to inculcate that in our kids. But we have learned more recently that it’s good to be highly involved with helping your kid in certain categories where they struggle, of course with the goal that they become independent.
For example, our HS kid’s psychologist has to tell us which things it’s reasonable to expect him to do or not do independently, based on his traits and challenges. Turns out we aren’t supposed to just let the high schooler sign up for the classes that he wants next year even though we think some are a bad idea? I mean, we offer our advice and our first kid just chose to follow it. (Oops, gonna have to email the guidance counselor now LOL). We’re supposed to help him manage his calendar and not just let him get fired from his job due to not understanding time? Never had to do that with the first one.
We’re so big on natural consequences that we’ve been a little too under-helicoptery, it seems. But there’s other categories where she’s had to tell us to disengage (mostly my spouse, and mostly emotional-type stuff). Following the psych’s tailored advice has worked wonders. Kid gets intensive help where he needs it, then pretty quickly starts doing it independently.
We’re also channeling that when dealing with our college freshman. Who is super independent with so much, but struggles with social cues (unlike his brother). So he’s asked for more support with navigating his internship search and like how to appropriately interact with his professors. Instead of getting annoyed, we’re taking the new perspective of realizing it’s hard and intimidating and exhausting for him. He’s using the support staff at the college and we’re also providing support and, lo and behold, it’s paying dividends already. He needs help the first few times he does stuff, then he gets confident and no longer needs help later. He’s confidently doing interviews while dressed appropriately! Real adult stuff!
We say: of course you’re always welcome at home but the ideal is that you live independently as an adult. It’s a balance for sure, and I think some of the Gen Xers (lots of us on this board) especially are doing a great job of striking that balance with our kids. We push them to independence but we have their backs when they need more support.
Our own silent or boomer-gen parents often didn’t provide that kind of support. My sibling was just asking me if I felt guilty that we weren’t traveling to help our mom while she recovered from a very minor surgery. Then we spent some time reminiscing about the medical (and other) neglect we experienced and sibling felt better. I could never fathom doing that same stuff to my own kids (sibling is childless), so it’s not hard for me to help our parents get what they need and wish them well from afar. My mom absolutely loves it when we get all up in her business and take care of things for her, but she didn’t even do that as our parent. So we do way more than we are obligated to, but less than she would like. That relationship was all backward in terms of caregiving.
Spouse’s boomer parents have softened and have started providing more care as their (all successful) children have gotten older. But we’ve also provided them with care in turn. It’s almost like the kids had to prove that they could do it alone before the parents would soften up. At least everyone in that family is mutually caring for each other now, which is great.
I hope our own kids will feel we struck the right balance. But I’m resigned that we surely made some big mistakes and when my children are adults and criticize us for it, we can have an honest and open conversation about it rather than being defensive. The thing we want most is for our children to feel like they are fully loved and supported to become the people they want to be. I think my peers have mostly done a darn good job with that as parents.
Seems like it’s a work in progress. With some kids, they need a bit more guidance while others are much more independent from HS and thereafter. I guess one needs to know one’s kid. ymmv, as always.
S21 sent me this article today, and then called me three times over the course of the day to ask me things:joy:
. He is quite content with our relationship and found this article validating
The part that struck me was that 44% of the young women surveyed said that their mother relied on them for emotional support. I’m 100% here to support my daughter emotionally, but I wouldn’t ever want her to feel like I “rely” on her for that same support. That seems burdensome. Maybe it’s me.
No, I agree. I try not to burden my daughter but be her cheerleader.
I’m cheering S from afar. He’s been pretty independent since he went to college in 2006. He did come home for a year while awaiting his security clearance and a year during covid and here and there but mostly he’s found and steered his own path.
We have gifted him with some money over the years, with no strings.
D has had a tougher time as she has chronic medical issues which have made it impossible for her to hold any full time job ever. We are supportive of her — emotionally and 100% financially. As she hasn’t qualified for benefits we are fine with continuing to support her as needed.
Thank you for the gift link to this thought provoking article.
Interesting ^^. I don’t know…as my daughter has gotten older (and seems very emotionally & socially sophisticated) sometimes I will run situations by her (e.g., with friends, work colleagues). I don’t necessarily rely on her, but I value her perspective. And when she gives solid, emotionally-evolved advice, I recognize that (“very wise”). I kind of think that helps her feel mature, competent, and helpful. She will also run situations by me and I’ll provide thoughts.
I’m careful not to burden her though (when said that once - “I don’t want to burden you” - she said “Stop - I want to hear. I tell you things”).
Somewhat of the same thing with my son (on different topics).
So a bit of a (not excessive) two way street seems positive - at least in my experience.
Good point. And sometimes my daughter gives me advice when I haven’t asked for it! 
I wish I got more support from my parents when I was a young adult. Recently my brother had a medical incident and the expectation was for me to drop everything to look after her. I blurted it out that when I was in my 20s I almost died due to an infection, but when I mentioned it to my parents it was a none event.
I am very close to my daughters. If they know I am upset about something they would usually call me to talk about it. But I don’t talk to them about anything that’s too personal - like my divorce and their father.
My kids are financially independent and in good relationships, D1 at this point is making multiple of what I make. She is fairly savvy with her investments and has her own advisor. She sometime will let me know about the market. D2 is a third year associate at a law firm. She is just starting out and working her tail off at this point. She is the one who can be more emotional volatile.
I kind of feel like with my kids now that I not always the one who is doing the caring. When we travel together now, they will often plan it and I just show up. They’ll call me sometimes to talk about work, finance, kid, dog issues, but it’s not everyday.
Right now, they (my mom included)are all on their way to my place to celebrate Chinese New Year. 
Same here.
Agree. Some of the survey subjects were 35 years old. Two way street is not only not burdensome but healthy imo. It’s an evolving relationship ad “kids” mature.
Growing up (so well before I qualified as a young adult), I definitely think my mother relied on me for emotional support (especially insofar as finances and a bit about my dad). I don’t think that was healthy and not something I want to pass on to the next generation. But we were close and I probably communicated with her at least 5-6x/week while in college (my uncle wondered what we could possibly say to each other so frequently 
). But we’ve maintained closeness and it’s now much more of a 2-way street.
Thankfully, I’ve always felt emotionally supported by my parents after I graduated from college. When there have been health issues, they’ve been concerned and supportive. Financially, there were some gifts (moreso going shopping together and buying me an outfit when I was a new teacher, or paying for a AAA membership, etc). I can see that type of support continuing on with my kid as a young adult, too.
I do communicate with both adult children daily. Always have been and hopefully always will. Same was with my parents and me, my husband and his parents, etc. Some families are more close than others . In fact the closeness of the family members was an important criteria in the partner for my DD since willingly or unwillingly people sometimes mirror family dynamics to their own family.
Is frequency of communication a barometer for closeness?
Not to me. But I have sons and we communicate regularly but definitely not daily. And I feel very close to them. But, they are in their thirties and have very busy lives. And I am very glad of that.
In a way it is. We all live busy lives and few minutes short daily conversations help to get us closer. I have daily conversations with both children. They call weekly and have longer conversations with my husband and their grandparents. So the schedule doesn’t matter but knowing what happens in each other lives does
@Hoggirl - I don’t think (?) daily communication is the only metric for closeness. Maybe that’s because I don’t talk daily with my adult kids!
The various forms of media these days have made communication so much more varied and easier (and also raise the possibility of more ways for parents to be annoying I guess! Lol)
My son and I will text maybe 1-2x a week (although sometimes a few weeks go by if he’s busy). The exchanges he seems to enjoy are those involving current events, politics, philosophy, issues related to his work/mine. A daily phone call would NOT be something he’d want (
) and I wouldn’t either (he’s a busy guy building a life and a career and I’m glad to see him independent).
My daughter will text a few times a week also, with the occasional FaceTime. What we’ve done periodically (that I love) is a form of the BeReal app - where kids send each other at random times 2 pictures - what they are seeing and a selfie.
So we’ll do that - she’ll seems me a “BeReal”-style pic of her with tea studying and I’ll respond with a picture of our cat and me at my laptop working. It’s prosaic but I love the window into ordinary life. Sometimes I initiate. Can’t push it tho!