<p>Since your son knows that you go on facebook and myspace, he <em>has</em> clearly told you, in his own way.</p>
<p>How does your son view your relationship with your husband? If he knows that you generally discuss everything and keep no secrets, I’d venture a guess that he’s assuming you will tell or have told your husband.</p>
<p>I agree that it would probably be difficult for your husband to hear it elsewhere.</p>
<p>Based upon your son’s previous reaction to your bringing it up with him, I’d suggest that your husband just let it be, until such time that your son is willing to talk about it on his own initiative.</p>
<p>I think you should let your son handle things in his own time. If I had seen this thread the first time, I would have advised you not to confront him about it, for a variety of reasons. I feel the same way about this new situation. Let your son come out to you when he feels ready. </p>
<p>Coming out to parents isn’t just about letting your parents know; it’s also the step that I feel really cements being gay. Coming out to friends is significant, of course, but it’s also easier and more temporary. Remember that teenagers go through phases all the time and change their minds constantly, so any sort of declaration can be taken back pretty easily and soon forgotten. (Not that being gay is a phase, just that the “I’m gay” statement weighs less amongst teenagers.) He could be trying out the label–seeing how it fits him and how he feels “being gay” to the world. Coming out to parents is a step that shouldn’t be forced. Though I can think of some cases where it may make sense for a parent to confront their child, I don’t think this is one of them. </p>
<p>Even if he’s totally comfortable with his sexuality, he may just not see the need to come out formally. Some kids with accepting parents never sit down to have a talk about it; they’ll just eventually mention a boyfriend, make a comment about someone attractive on a movie, refer to themselves as gay, etc. If he’s most comfortable being casual about it, and you’re accepting and don’t have anything to discuss, then maybe that’s what will happen. There’s not always a need to come out formally. He may not need help dealing with coming out. The safe sex issue needs to be addressed in any case. I wouldn’t talk too specifically about male or female partners, but if you include one, include the other. Stress condoms, staying sober and off drugs (a huge issue in the gay male community), regular STI checks while he’s sexually active, and where to go for further help and advice. Talking about consent, comfortable age gaps, and aspects of healthy vs. unhealthy relationships would be great as well.</p>
<p>I’m wondering what you have been doing in the mean time. Do you make any comments to him about attractive men or women? Have you had conversations with him about future marriage or kids? Have you had any safe sex chats with him? That’s mostly my own curiosity. Both before and after coming out to my parents, these topics (minus the sex one… they don’t do that topic) have made me the most uncomfortable.</p>
<p>I don’t really get the part about your nephew or other son. As to your husband, none of us know how your relationship works. Maybe just talk to him about whether he thinks your son is gay, see how he reacts, etc. You can bring up what you know already if you want or if it comes up in your conversation.</p>
<p>I’ve been thinking about this thread off and on, Bobbers, since it’s sort of a different perspective on many things I’ve gone through. I was wondering whether you’ve decided on any course of action.</p>
<p>Edit: No matter what, your son should be happy that he has such a supportive mother. Even several years after coming out to my parents they have yet to be anywhere close to openly supportive. Your son may not fully appreciate it now or in the near future, but I think parents are vital allies to have, especially when the parent/child relationship is otherwise supportive, respectful, and close.</p>
<p>I might have missed this in the thread, but I suggest that you have an open discussion with your husband. It seems as if you have not had a conversation with him yet.</p>
<p>Depending on your marriage, you might pose it as, what if DS is gay, how would we handle that? Maybe he has not come out to you because of the fear of Dad not accepting. Bullet and I had this conversation, many, many moons ago (kids were still in single digits age). I guess we had because my godmother is a lesbian and never came out until this year when her partner of 26 yrs died. Her parents knew it, but it was treated as if we don’t talk about it then it might not be true.</p>
<p>Also I would not care less about my family knowing, to me it is no big deal…my Mom has always said what happens behind closed doors is none of her business, if we decide to open the door she would be there for us. All she cares about is that we as a family are happy and healthy. I hope to be the same when our kids are adults.</p>
<p>My best wishes and hope all ends in a positive family relationship</p>
<p>What about a simple post on his myspace page or Facebook wall, something pleasant with a “love, Mom” attached-- to make it clear the page has been read, but without mentioning anything directly about sexuality…? </p>
<p>Followed by extra hugs during the week, and saying how glad you are he’s your son… He’ll get the message you want to give without it putting him on the spot.</p>
<p>I would not advise posting on his myspace or facebook wall unless you have been specifically invited to do so. As I said before, if he knows you have access, he knows you are reading them. Or, you might mention something about an innocuous photo that he has up.</p>
<p>I would not post on my space, there is a difference about him knowing you look on his site. My children know I check in, that was the deal to get it, but posting is embarrassing to any kid and might cause them to close down the site.</p>
<p>What I was trying to say was, let your kid know you love him unconditionally. My son is so private, I have no idea what his orientation might be, but I’ve tried to send every sign that, whatever it is, I am his biggest fan and he will be always golden with us. That we would want him and any life partner to be part of our family (even if it’s a temporary life partner). That we believe in human rights and above all that we love him…love him…love him.</p>
<p>We had this in my family. The boy went to the dad, I suspect, because he thought that the dad would be the more open-minded. You know, and your son knows you know, and you know your son knows you know… Maybe B&P’s idea of talking to DH first is the way to go to give everyone the permission they need to talk openly.</p>
<p>One of my best friends is gay–he’s a freshman in college. Anyway, he went through much of high school without telling his parents and once he came out to them he realized how supportive they learned to be of his lifestyle. </p>
<p>He has mentioned on more than one occasion that having the support of his parents is one of the most important things in his life. I’m just starting to realize some of the absolutely horrible things done to gay kids and how emotionally difficult their lives can be because not many people understand their lifestyles. I honestly do not know how some of my gay friends survived high school!</p>
<p>It seems that you are definitely going to support him and that he just doesn’t know you will. Have you guys ever talked about homosexuality (not necessarily him)? Like, have you ever watched a movie with a gay character, discussed your sister, or just causally brought it up? Perhaps if he KNEW that you were going to love him and support him he would be more comfortable coming out to you.</p>
<p>According to my friend, coming out to your parents is incredibly difficult. There’s such a huge chance for hurt and rejection and nobody wants their parents to dislike them. I’m glad you are supportive of him!</p>
<p>I’d say talk to your sister about it. Is he close with her? Maybe he would be more comfortable coming out to someone that shares his feelings. Way to go on being supportive and understanding of his lifestyle. Do his friends know? Compassionate friends do wonders. </p>
<p>He’ll come out to you eventually. Just give it time! And to reiterate Marian’s point earlier, make sure his college choices are accepting of gay students. You could also check out PFLAG (Parents, Friends, and Family of Lesbians And Gays) for more ideas about support and understanding your son’s lifestyle.</p>
<p>He’s a lucky guy to have such a great mom. :)</p>
<p>I just want to second what everyone many other people have said-- don’t make him talk about it! Leaving a note is fine, whatever, but face to face conversations might scare him off. I actually just came out to my mom the other day-- by mentioning how another friend’s mom found our instant messages about him being gay and freaked out. I said enough things for her to know, but the minute she actually wanted to talk about it I ran away to my room. Why? Because that would be awkward. It’s enough to know that she knows, we don’t have to talk about it.</p>
<p>i would have to agree with kristin. i know i felt much more comfortable talking about being lesbian with my aunt who is in the army and has dealt with it. i would also agree with the little note method. i am much like your son and would probably deny it or act super confused if my mother were to confront me about it (she doesnt know) but if she left a little note or something i would feel a lot more comfortable. i wish you luck!</p>
<p>Sorry I havent been on lately, but I have been sick - on the road to recovery - that and 8 pills a day for 14 days uggggg</p>
<p>Thank you for all ur comments and support.</p>
<p>I am not concerned about my family knowing my sons orientation. What worried me is that I didnt want the husband to find out from anyone else. I have a sister that is gay that my son knows about.</p>
<p>I decided to write my son a letter or email - havent decided which yet. My son is a very private person and I think letting him know how I feel this way is best for him and that when he if he ever wants to talk about it he can.</p>
<p>My son has always been the type of kid that he doesnt care what other people think about him. My other concern about letting him know how i feel is that he is a junior in college and looking at colleges - i want to make sure that he does some digging about college friendly schools.</p>