Parent of Gay Teens

Parent Cafe
1

<p>I havent posted in a long time.</p>

<p>I have had suspicions for a long time that my son was gay, but I kept them to myself. I recently discovered that my son is gay in a journal entry that he wrote for his english class.</p>

<p>He thinks that we are clueless to his sexuality. I am not as I said I had my suspicions. My husband on the other hand is probably clueless. In his writings, he has not told anyone. He keeps this bottled up inside him.</p>

<p>In his writing, he doesnt want to tell us 1. Because its not our business<br>
2. That we will not understand and wont support him.</p>

<p>I have a sister that is a lesbian, and he knows this. I was thinking of taking my son out and approach him on the subject - just me and him. I was also thinking of going to a counselor and discuss this with them before I approach him on the subject.</p>

<p>I do not want my son to be unhappy. I want him to know that I stand by him 100 percent and will support him 100 percent. I want him to know that I love him for him and not his sexuality.</p>

<p>Any advice would be greatly appreciated.</p>

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<p>forgot to add that my son is a junior in high school</p>

3

<p>Talking with either your sister or a counselor seems like a good idea.</p>

<p>I have no clue as to whether it would be appropriate for you to bring up the subject with your son (let alone your husband, who might react negatively). But they might know.</p>

4

<p>BOBBERS: First of all, aren’t there groups that can help you with this thing? There are national “coming out” crisis lines. Google “teen coming out” and I bet you’ll find one. And I bet you can call them and explain your situation and they’ll be able to guide you to resources.</p>

<p>My gut tells me you should take him out, be in a place where you both feel relaxed, talk about how you feel about having a lesbian sister (I assume it doesn’t make a whit of difference regarding how much you love her), and that if your son were gay it wouldn’t change your love for him one bit. Tell him that whether he is or he isn’t, it doesn’t really matter to you, except that you want him to be happy and know that he is accepted and hope that he accepts himself for who he is. If he comes clean, level with him that his father probably doesn’t know and work with him as to how it will or will not be disclosed.</p>

<p>I wouldn’t bring up that you were looking in his journal, at least not during that conversation. I would bring up, if he acknowledges, that you had suspected he was for some time, and that it didn’t change your feelings for him.</p>

<p>This is my two cents. It may be about all it’s worth. There must be folks on CC who have directly dealt with this issue and can advise. Meanwhile, I’d try the call I suggested.</p>

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<p>thanks for the advice - it is greatly appreciated</p>

6

<p>Bobbers,</p>

<p>Have a look at PFLAG’s website and then perhaps contact your local chapter. They’re a wonderful group of individuals, most of whom have been in your shoes! Best of luck and I applaud you for your willingness to ensure your son’s wellbeing.</p>

<p><a href=“http://www.pflag.org/[/url]”>http://www.pflag.org/&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

7

<p>Bobbers, I think your gut sense is right – take your son out and bring up the subject yourself. Don’t mention the journal, but do mention your own experience and the sense that you have had for awhile, and make it very clear that you love and accept your son for who he is, and that you hope that as he grows up he will find love and companionship in his life. My guess is that he is probably afraid to come out to you, and it would be a huge relief to him to simply know that it is not an issue – and also to know that he does not have to hide anything from you. </p>

<p>My daughter had several close gay male friends in high school, and somehow I became the adult that they felt comfortable about confiding in, leading me to be in the position of giving advice to 15 year old boys about their love lives. (Typical question: “is it o.k. for a 15 year old to date a 22 year old?” Asked, of course, from the back seat of the car I was driving.). Of course as a heterosexual 50-something female I knew nothing whatsoever about gay teenage male relationships… so I simply answered these questions the same way I would if it were my daughter asking the question about heterosexual dating – in the example above I talked about the differing expectations that an older man might have in a relationship from a teenager. I was much relieved when the boy who asked me the question admitted that he merely had a crush on a guy who probably hadn’t noticed he existed. </p>

<p>But I realized from questions like this that there is not a lot available in terms of adult guidance and information for teenage boys when it comes to same-sex dating and relationship. I wanted to see my daughter’s friends form healthy, respectful and loving relationships with their prospective soul mates ( I certainly would not want them to be having secret liaisons with strangers in public restrooms). My kids were fortunate enough to attend the kind of high schools where gay dating at the prom was accepted and relatively common, but many kids don’t have that sort of outlet. If they can’t talk to their own parents, then who can they talk to? </p>

<p>I know that some of my daughter’s gay friends have parents who are very supportive – and others have more of a don’t ask/don’t tell thing going at home. I think the latter must be very difficult. I’m pretty sure that most of the parents know whether or not they admit to it – it’s pretty hard to hide. My d. had one very close male friend whose bedroom was decorated in “pink ballerina” – in high school he didn’t think his mom knew he was gay, but I had to roll my eyes when I saw the bedroom. Parents are usually attuned to signals a lot more subtle than that.</p>

<p>Anyway: I really want to encourage you to be open with your son and fully accepting. I think you and he will be much happier if you can be there for him as he goes through the normal ups and downs of teenage relationships, to be able to know his friends, to have him comfortable bringing a boyfriend to hang out with him at home. The point is: if it is all out in the open you can have the same parental relationship you would if he were straight - after all, a straight boy probably wouldn’t hesitate to invite his girlfriend over to study with him or stay for dinner.</p>

<p>(Also, I wouldn’t assume that your husband is clueless – he probably also simply is keeping his suspicions to himself. So after you take your son out to lunch, maybe you need to arrange a quiet dinner with your husband. It would probably mean the world to your son to know that his dad loves him and is proud of him regardless of his sexual preferences).</p>

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<p>I agree with Bedhead, especially the part about not mentioning seeing the journal – unless it was handed to you with a request to read. And I’ve also heard good things about PFLAG. Another idea might be to talk to the teacher who read the journal. I’m guessing the teacher has encountered this sort of thing before, and she might have some ideas.</p>

<p>Another bravo to you for loving your son as he is, and wanting to help and support him.</p>

9

<p>

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<p>My daughter went to that sort of school, too. Being gay was so mainstream that it wasn’t even considered interesting.</p>

<p>But many kids are not so fortunate.</p>

<p>One of the reasons why it would be nice if you and your son can talk openly about his sexual orientation is that he will be choosing colleges soon, and it would be a good idea for him to take into account the college community’s attitude toward gay students when making his choices. He may have felt uncomfortable about his sexual orientation in high school, but there’s no reason why he needs to be uncomfortable about it at college – provided that he picks an appropriate college.</p>

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<p>Thanks for all the advice. </p>

<p>Marian - thank you for mentioning college - never gave that a thought.</p>

11

<p>hey B0BBERS- Your son is a lucky guy to have such a supportive mom - now’s the time to let him know just how supportive you are.
BTW - Could the English teacher be a source of support?</p>

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<p>im not sure if the teachers read what they right in the journals since i dont see any grades in it. I think she checks just to see if they wrote in it.</p>

13

<p>I agree w/ all who have advised you to talk to your son in a setting that will be easiest to talk in (lots of times those talking in the car on a road trip have yielded some of the deepest conversations on touchiest topics for us)… I imagine that while your son feels that it isn’t any of your business, having you accept him and get it finally “out” in the open with him will remove a huge weight from his shoulders. I know that 2 close adult friends described the huge relief they felt in telling their adult friends who have known them for years, especially when the response back was that it didn’t change the friendship and all the support was there for them. One of our friends told us via an email to my husband. It started “there’s something I need to tell you.” We were SO RELIEVED to find out what it was he was telling him. We were on the phone immediately with him, laughing, telling him that he’d scared the crap out of us…and we’d pictured all these horrible things–and how relieved we were to find out that it was “only” that he was gay! </p>

<p>p.s. your son must really trust and respect the English teacher—if he turned it in, he probably assumed she had read it. I think if he needs her/him? as extra support, that’s fine for him, but I think this is something you can do on your own, with the support of outside groups (as other posters have mentioned). I don’t think you need to bring in the school folks before you talk to your son, and he may resent it if you did.</p>

14

<p>Um…
Coming from someone gay himself…
Maybe it’s better for your son to pass over that hurdle of coming out to you himself. I felt, for me at least, that it was an excellent experience (however horribly the actual thing went) and liberating. And it gives a person more courage to do things on his own. If you ask him, it won’t give him that opportunity. I mean, of course you should let him know that you are supportive - like having your sister around more often or um, giving him hints…but for the actual coming out with…Try leaving it to him. Also because he needs to understand that you should know whether you’re supportive or not. He should take that risk. It’s like crossing a barrier without knowing what’s on the other side and that’s good preparation for future life. And besides, he has to be ready to come out with it. Maybe he is still in that questioning phase. Or maybe he is unsure. Or anything.
Good luck and tell us how it goes!</p>

15

<p>^^that is such an interesting perspective! I suppose if the OP agreed with it, her focus would be to think about how to hint or make it known that all is safe, but let him take the actual first move to express himself and come out, if it turns out he does come out. Or, as the lkaluspudi says, this might be more of a questioning period than a firm decision so far. People have to be ready for big changes in their lives, and perhaps he’s just not quite ready to go there with you, yet. I don’t know what exactly you read in his journal, but there’s also a possibility that he’s had a gay encounter but isn’t sure if he’s a gay individual for keeps. Kids do experiment.</p>

<p>Anyway, interesting perspective, and thanks for sharing it!!</p>

16

<p>Yeah, Thanks,</p>

<p>I ran for office because I coudn’t tolerate our rep’s stand on civil unions. I’m so shy, it’s sad, but I just couldn’t not run against someone like that. I hope my son internalized this message–that his Mom was willing to go door to door in the pouring rain talking to strangers so maybe human rights would be acknowledged. I lost, but I felt great that I put myself out there for civil rights. Oddly, I also felt a ridiculous desire to cook for my family because I couldn’t during this period. I had to be going door to door when people were home. It was so nice to make meatballs and mashed potatoes when I could be at home.</p>

17

<p>ok all I havent posted since a long time in regards to my son and his sexual orientation. Awhile back, I “confronted” my son about his sexuality and being gay and he denied it (deep down I knew that he was) - I let him know that no matter what his sexuality was that I was here and would stand behind him 100 percent - after the conversation, i did not approach him or bring up the topic again.</p>

<p>Fast forward a few months - My son knows that I go on facebook and mysapce. I noticed a few weeks back that he came out online, but has yet to approach me on the subject.</p>

<p>This is where I need advice - I have a son that is in 9th grade (same school). I do not believe that the husband is aware of my sons sexuality. My nephew up in Buffalo questioned my mom about my sons sexual preference, and my mom played it off as she ddint think he was, although I had told her. At that point, she did not realize my son and put it on myspace and facebook. Since I know my son is and its out and about up in NY and we live in NC, should I talk again with my son - or should i let him come out to me. Also, I was thinking of informing my husband, so that he wouldnt hear it from anyone else. </p>

<p>I love my son no matter what his sexual preference is. I want him to know that I stand behind him 100 percent and want to help him deal with all the emotions etc of coming out and discuss with him safety precautions etc. I have a sister that is a lesbian, and have learned alot from her.</p>

<p>Advice needed.</p>

18

<p>its like he wants you to know, but doesn’t have the way to tell you…I would do it in a note- you know, telling him you know, but it matters not, and that when he is ready, you will be there. And that he need not fret or worry about your reaction, nor your husbands, and that you want to be part of his life and loves…</p>

<p>I think it might give your son a sense of relief if you make the first “move” with no pressure to talk about it further…but this way, when he comes home, he doesn’t have to put up the “straight” front to you…and I would talk to my H, about the possibllity, so he won’t be blindsided (men hate that)- sounds like your H will be fine with your sons homosexuality anyway, but as most dads are, is kind of cluesless to the general activities of their children anyway</p>

<p>My H knows my D has a boyfriend in college, but he doesn’t ask about him, just wants to be sure D is happy…and that is the depth of his discussion, he cares, but doesn’t ask much</p>

19

<p>I agree with citygirlsmom…a note or email (and especially if he knows you go onto facebook and myspace, you can mention you’ve seen his online entries about it)…I’ve always told my 2 D’s that although I won’t go through their personal stuff, etc., but anything that has their name attached to it online is “fair game” in terms of privacy. If you can find it, so can others.</p>

<p>Regarding the initial conversation NOT being a face-to-face discussion, which is probably more than he can imagine handling… Most teen boys probably would rather do anything than to discuss their sex life, or any sexual thoughts, with their mothers. Compound this with the sensitivity to the potential issues that it may cause in the family (maybe w/ H??), and it’s probably too much to expect from him. It may be easier for him to not break it(or want to discuss) in person with you…At two different times, two very close friends came out to us…via email and IM…even though one was someone my husband saw every day.</p>

<p>One was a friend from college whom I was quite certain was gay…my question to him was, “Why did it take so long to tell me?” He said that for his closest friends (whom he no longer lived near), it was the hardest to tell them(us)…even though he knew we would be very accepting. It was just easier to make it kind of impersonal, and go from there. He told me in what turned out to be a very long night of IM’ing between IL and NJ!</p>

<p>The second was someone who worked closely (actually, for) my husband, but was someone that he had been friends with from a previous job. He sent an email, and H had me read it, without any preface. When I started reading it, my heart sank…I’ve wanted to tell you this in person, but it’s just easier to do in writing… I thought he was resigning and moving away!!! (LOL, H had the same initial feeling)… it was such a total relief to know that he was “just” coming out!!! We did not make light of it at the time, but now we laugh about how relieved we were to find out he was “just” gay.</p>

<p>You can tell him what you said in the last paragraph of your post #17. Best wishes…</p>

20

<p>I’m sure this varies by personality, but if I were in your son’s shoes, I’d also want to be communicating by note, email, whatever…even face-to-face if it occurred at a time that we couldn’t really have a full conversation. Going out to talk or settling in for a heart-to-heart sounds wonderful to me, but only in theory. In practice, I think I’d probably just squirm and deny until I was able to get away (and then I’d feel awkward for awhile, and potentially even defensive). I’m very close to both of my parents, and this would be the sort of thing I’d want them to know eventually, but I definitely wouldn’t want to converse about it. Confrontation, however gentle and/or well-intentioned, just doesn’t work on me (at least not in the short-term…sometimes it sets the stage for me to come around on my own terms, but then, so would a note, and with less trouble upfront).</p>

<p>If you write a note or something to that effect, then your son isn’t ‘put on the spot.’ He still gets to decide when, where, and how much to tell you. Meanwhile, he knows that he has your support, and you know he knows it. It seems like that in itself would be a big relief for both of you. But if he wants to keep things to himself for the time being, he can do so.</p>

<p>Again, though, how to approach this depends largely on your son’s personality and on your relationship with him. With my sister, my mom knows that the way to communicate is to spend one-on-one time talking things out, being frank, being open. With me, she knows that the only way she’ll ever get her points across is to leave relevant brochures, phone numbers, books, etc. where I’ll find them, or to very casually mention something in passing (even if it’s a serious subject). My dad knows that the best way to reach either one of us is to go through my mom. To each, his own…</p>

<p>I do hope that you work this out in a way that leaves both you and your son feeling comfortable. I didn’t see this thread when it was new, but it’s an interesting subject. Thank you for the update :)</p>