Parent’s terminal illness & financial issues

Parent Cafe
1

<p>I’m trying to deal with the unimaginable, and not doing it very well. Especially, to write all this down. My husband has prostate cancer. He had radiation treatment several years ago which appeared quite successful. However a recent bone scan now shows rapidly spreading metastasis. His PSA is in 4 digits. He is now undergoing hormonal therapy which should give him some time, but my personal guess is maybe he has a year left, at best.</p>

<p>Obviously it’s hard to tear myself away from focusing on anything else than his well-being and my dismal feelings, but I know I also need to take some practical steps to ensure daughter and I can survive financially. So while my world is caving in I still have to think about practical stuff and if you know anything about this I’d appreciate hearing from you. </p>

<p>Is it true federal PLUS loans are forgiven on death of parent? He did a PLUS loan for our D’s first year of college, so would that be forgiven if he died before repayment is complete? She’s going back in fall – can he apply for a new PLUS loan now, knowing he’s sick?</p>

<p>Should I let D’s college know asap about her dad’s circumstances? Her latest aid letter didn’t give us anything as our EFC is in the 30’s, so what if anything could I ask of her school? Also, anyone know of special scholarships or aid for students whose parent died or is terminally ill?</p>

<p>Health coverage is not an issue – we have plenty of that. However husband has no life insurance of his own as he is self-employed. My job only provides a small amount of spouse insurance ($50K). I’ve started checking on whether he can get more life insurance but with his age (67) and current condition there’s no way anyone will insure him if they ask health questions. Any other ideas to scrape together more life insurance? All I’d want is basically enough to pay off our mortgage (about $180k) so that it won’t be a burden on me. I believe I can basically support myself and my daughter on my income, and my retirement income (including SS, 401K and company pension) should be fairly substantial.</p>

<p>What other types of insurance can he get? What about those ads I’ve seen that promise to pay your mortgage or your credit card bills if you die – are those scams, do they pay only on accidental death, or is there generally some other catch?</p>

<p>Husband needs to do a will and all the legal/financial/medical directives so I can make decisions for him. Where on earth do I start? I don’t want an expensive lawyer, but don’t want to do it myself with forms from the stationery store either. What is a good middle alternative?</p>

<p>Do I need to consult lawyers, insurance agents, and tax planners all separately or is there one sort of expert that does all of this? I don’t think I’ve ever felt this lost or this helpless before. The idea of becoming consumer-smart in this area just repulses me but I’m afraid what consequences there will be in the future if I fail to be proactive now.</p>

2

<p>I’m so sorry. I don’t have any of the answers, but I’m glad you posted. We have so many diverse experts on this board, I’m sure someone will have some very good advice.</p>

3

<p>I am very sorry to hear about what you’re going through.</p>

<p>Is there any group in your area for cancer patients and their families? If so, they may have some very helpful guidance for you.</p>

<p>It also may help if you entered individual counseling with a therapist who has experience working with people with terminally ill relatives. Such a person could provide support as well as help you figure out what steps to take at this difficult time. </p>

<p>Here are some on-line resources that may be helpful:
<a href=“http://www.thewellnesscommunity.org//virtual_wc/support.asp[/url]”>http://www.thewellnesscommunity.org//virtual_wc/support.asp&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

<p><a href=“Cancerlinksusa.com”>Cancerlinksusa.com;
<a href=“http://www.cancer.gov/cancertopics/takingtime/page9[/url]”>http://www.cancer.gov/cancertopics/takingtime/page9&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

<p><a href=“http://www.cancer.gov/cancertopics/factsheet/support/support-groups[/url]”>http://www.cancer.gov/cancertopics/factsheet/support/support-groups&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

<p><a href=“http://womenshealth.about.com/gi/dynamic/offsite.htm?zi=1/XJ&sdn=womenshealth&zu=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.cancercare.org%2F[/url]”>http://womenshealth.about.com/gi/dynamic/offsite.htm?zi=1/XJ&sdn=womenshealth&zu=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.cancercare.org%2F&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

<p>I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.</p>

4

<p>I too am very sorry to hear about what your family is going through.</p>

<p>I agree with Northstarmom’s advice to find a local support group for families of cancer patients, and ask for recommendations for an eldercare lawyer who is knowledgeable about the best way to arrange for wills and family directives. Hopefully the links she posted can guide you to a support group near you.</p>

<p>If you are a member of a religious congregation, your clergyperson or other members of your congregation who’ve been in similar situations might also be able to recommend a trusted professional.</p>

<p>Although my mother has a very modest income, she had some financial complications to deal with when my dad became ill, and she was able to find a very helpful eldercare lawyer who was able to counsel her about a wide variety of issues–wills, medical directives, qualifying for different benefits. Her fees were very modest and the advice she gave saved my mother more money than her fees many times over.</p>

5

<p>I am so sorry to read your post and see what you and your loved ones are facing this coming year.<br>
Don’t take any rapid action. Get yourself in an information gathering mode for the next month and let options filter through your mind before making choices. Many people will offer names and phone numbers and “what you should dos.” Write it all down but don’t jump until you meet more people and can decide who you feel will go to bat for your family’s interests best. Your husband will want to have input but you may have to do the legwork and the option sorting out solo. </p>

<p>I agree with Northstarmom that getting a private audience with a counselor for yourself may be very smart. You can save up things to bring there to talk about and to sort out how you are doing in a year which could be overwhelmingly tough. Your trajectory this coming year as caregiver is going to be different than your husband’s experience, and you may often find yourself stifling your own feelings out of common decency and deference for his. I would suggest that your children will of course be primarily distraught about their Dad, but keep in mind that they have a central core need to know you are going to make it and that someone is supporting you. If you demonstrate that you need support, you may find your daughter will also use someone at her college for visits during the coming year so she can talk about her fears, sadnesses and her worries about you. So consider setting the tone for the year but letting them know that having formal counseling hours can be most therapeutic when emotions run high and everyone is ragged. Build in some place in the coming year where you can have private counsel if you want your children to feel some more ease about your emotional survival. Hospice could make referrals and many places offer sliding scale fees.</p>

<p>You can call your bank and get an interview with (ask for an experienced) a bank officer who handles estates even if all you get out of it are references. You don’t have to give your estate planning to them, but at least see who they like to work with and who seems to go the extra mile for their clients. Face to face is always better than over the phone…people sometimes volunteer more advice about which estate lawyers and bankers are most experienced and trustworthy and which “Planners” are to be avoided if you are in the same room. I would also consider getting a Hospice appointment with an intake person even though your spouse does not need them and won’t need them for a good while. Find out what they offer. They might give you the names of estate planners in your community that have proven themselves to the Hospice staff from feedback from many other families that they have served.<br>
Once you understand more about your own family finances, don’t underestimate the college financial aide officers. The college counseling staff expects also to get behind students dealing with losses like illness or divorce. There may be things you should consider re your daughter’s academic goals this year that she should be apprised of now for instance so that as your husband’s condition changes, she understands her options. It is all a bit hard to predict, but most colleges do get wholeheartedly behind their kids when times are tough.<br>
keep us posted and may the best people cross your path and be there for your family this year</p>

6

<p>Your husband’s doctor may have connections with local social services, who may (or may not) have a specialist in helping people in your position. Check out these resources: <a href=“http://www.cancer.gov/cancertopics/factsheet/support/financial-assistance[/url]”>http://www.cancer.gov/cancertopics/factsheet/support/financial-assistance&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

<p>My husband has had cancer for years–currently in remission–but I did ask if life-threatening illnesses changed the financial aid picture, back when we were looking at colleges. The answer, without exception, was yes. Call your D’s college financial aid office today, or ask someone you trust to do it for you, or ask you D to do it, if you think she can handle it. </p>

<p>Sometimes the credit card companies offer credit card insurance without asking too many questions. Try that–read the fine print… You also might be able to get private mortgage insurance if you refinance your mortgage. </p>

<p>Legal Aid for your area (<a href=“http://www.nlada.org/[/url]”>http://www.nlada.org/&lt;/a&gt;) should be able to find you an estate lawyer, which is what you want. Believe me, a good estate lawyer is worth every single penny you pay them.</p>

7

<p>I am so sorry to hear of your family situation.</p>

<p>With re: to scholarships, there is a clearinghouse: <a href=“http://www.fastweb.com%5B/url%5D”>www.fastweb.com</a>, which does include cancer in the family as a parameter. Worth a look, anyway.</p>

<p>I hope you have a good support system to help you, and that you will take full advantage of it. People really do mean it when they ask what they can do for you.</p>

8

<p>Leonabell, I am very sorry to read this news. You have already received excellent advice, and there is surely more to come. There is one outstanding “take notice” piece of advice from Faline2 - don’t take any rapid action. Wait until you have a chance to collect a lot of information, and can sort through it - especially with regard to the more serious financial decisions. </p>

<p>Also excellent advice is the suggestion to have an onsite meeting with your banker - it would probably be best to do this first, and you will be able to come away from that meeting with a solid plan of what assortment of professionals you will need in your corner. </p>

<p>I know it seems impossible right now, but, with regard to the financial part of the matter, everything is going to be o.k.</p>

9

<p>My sympathies on your situation. I think you are wise to start planning for your and your daughter’s future. I don’t have much in the way of specific information to offer, but it did occur to me that Social Security makes payments to widows and children and this could supplement your income if the worst happens. I’m not sure whether this would apply to you if you are still working, though. </p>

<p>I agree with other posters that you should talk to a financial aid officer at your daughter’s college immediately. Your EFC is quite high, and I would think that they would be willing to reduce it. You might also talk with the social workers at the hospital where your husband is being treated. They are likely to have good information and recommendations for you.</p>

10

<p>Since you mentioned the discharge of the PLUS loan, I did a quick google search. I did see where, in several places, it was mentioned that the PLUS loan was discharged upon the death of a parent – but it didn’t really give any details. I would call the lender and ask – and ask for the info in writing. It did say that the loan could not be in default – so make sure you make any payments needed. I think you would be fine to take out another PLUS loan this year if that was in the works.</p>

11

<p>Hi Leona,</p>

<p>Welcome to the parents forum. I am sorry to hear about your situation and you ar in my prayers. You have gotten a lot of good advice especially regarding getting counseling for both you and your daughter (make sure that she can continue to have someone to talk to once she goes back to school).</p>

<p>Definitely speak with your school’s FA office as you have a change in circumstance to see if what if anything can be done regarding this year’s FA package and how to go forward regarding the financing of your D’s education and to obtain more concrete information about the Plus loan.</p>

<p>Regarding the PLUS loan. I did a quick google search and the following information came up, I hope it helps. (cross posted with Stef, got distracted and did not hit send)</p>

<p>On Columbia University’s website (I don’t know if this is where your D attends, but they just gave some across the board information regarding PLUS loans that would apply at pretty much andy school regarding plus loans).</p>

<p>It states:</p>

<p>In the event of death of the borrower or student, or permanent disability of the borrower, the loan will be forgiven in full. </p>

<p><a href=“http://www.studentaffairs.columbia.edu/finaid/faqs/parents/plus_loans.php[/url]”>http://www.studentaffairs.columbia.edu/finaid/faqs/parents/plus_loans.php&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

<p>Federal PLUS Loan Plain Language Disclosure , section 14 states:</p>

<ol>
<li>***Loan Discharge ***- </li>
</ol>

<p>Your loan will be discharged (forgiven) when </p>

<p>(i) acceptable documentation of your death, or your dependent’s death, is given to your lender, </p>

<p>(ii) you or your dependent cannot complete a course of study because the school closes, </p>

<p>(iii) the school falsely certifies your loan eligibility, or, effective July 1, 2006, </p>

<p>(iv) a loan in your name was falsely certified as a result of a crime of identity theft.</p>

<p>If you provide acceptable documentation that you are totally and permanently disabled, your loan is assigned to the Department of Education and conditionally discharged for up to three years. If you meet certain requirements during and at the end of the conditional period, your loan will be discharged.</p>

<p>Your loan will not automatically be discharged in bankruptcy. Your loan may also be discharged up to the amount of any refund that the school should have made, but did not send to your lender</p>

<p><a href=“http://www.nslp.org/pages/pdf/FFEL%20PLUS%20HERA%20PLD%20FINAL%2004-20-2006%20(2).pdf[/url]”>http://www.nslp.org/pages/pdf/FFEL%20PLUS%20HERA%20PLD%20FINAL%2004-20-2006%20(2).pdf&lt;/a&gt;&lt;/p&gt;

12

<p>So sorry to hear about your situation. The only advice I can offer is that you collect and organize any relevant records (if you haven’t already done so) before seeing a counselor/lawyer. That way they will have a better idea what you have to work with. Sometimes bank accounts carry small life insurance policies (our credit union automatically carries a $1,000 policy; AAA, AARP, professional organizations you belong to might also). I would guess that no one is going to sell a life insurance policy to someone who’s gravely ill - or that the cost would be astronomical. </p>

<p>Everyone who’s ever worked under social security receives a statement once a year telling them what their benefits would be under certain circumstances so you might try to locate yours (they’re not mailed out at any particular time; I just got mine so it’s fresh in my mind). I do remember there’s a very small one time death benefit and more information on what survivors are entitled to. There must be a social worker at the hospital or wherever your husband has been treated who is familiar these issues.</p>

<p>Holding you all in my thoughts.</p>

13

<p>The small one-time death benefit is $250.00. And you receive SS for minor children under the age of 18, whether or not you are working. As soon as they turn 18, it ends.</p>

14

<p>In some cases the tuition reimbursement / tuition insurance plan pays off on the death of a parent. I unfortunately know this as my closest friend’s husband died of cancer last December and her daughter’s private school sent her a check. </p>

<p>In a case like yours, I think that while you do not want the most expensive lawyer in town, I do think that a wills and estates attorney would be money well spent. There are a lot of ins and outs to closing an estate, and it’s a very difficult time to be running around trying to do this. My friend is still trying to get it all straight, and it’s been six very difficult months for her. Luckily she does not need to work – but this has been nearly a full time job for her.</p>

15

<p>How wonderful of so many of you to take the time to reply and dig up links. I know I could google some of these topics, and I have but don’t know if you have any idea for instance how many different cancer sites there are. My mind boggles and I just throw up my hands looking at the results.</p>

<p>So Northstarmom I thank you for filtering out a few support sites for me to start with. I had no idea there were support forums too. Well, guess it’s time to join (yet) another forum…And the other links to the books, the kind PMs from some of you, the caring advice…has all been so much appreciated. Yes, the therapy/counseling will be very useful to us. We need help going down this road together.</p>

<p>As far as SS, that is a concern. My husband is now collecting SS as he is 67. But far as I can tell from their website, they won’t continue paying his benefit to me if he dies as I’m only in my early 50s. My daughter’s over 18 so she won’t get anything either. So I’ll lose that ~$1200 monthly income as well as my husband’s current earnings.</p>

<p>I called Sallie Mae (who is not our actual current lender) just to get the facts about forgiveness. The way it was explained was, yes in case of borrower’s death all they need is the death certificate and the balance remaining on the loan is forgiven. There is no need to advise them of any current illness. However the case for forgiveness based on disability is a little different. If my husband in a year or so becomes totally disabled and requests forgiveness based on that, they could request his medical records for when he applied for the loan and see if he had the pre-existing condition at that time. They would not be likely to forgive the loan if he was already diagnosed when he applied. But I’m not anticipating using that option, really anyway. </p>

<p>I am trying not to panic and do anything drastic right now, just collect information. I still don’t know whether to contact the insurance companies we have our home and auto insurance with to see if they have any kind of additional life insurance we can buy. I’m afraid if I give them information they could use it against us to raise our rates on our other policies somehow? </p>

<p>That also makes me wonder if credit card companies can use your medical information to raise your rates? For example if they see you’re using very expensive drugs or radiation/chemo treatment?</p>

<p>I know we have several of those “no cost” $1000 policies from our credit union and credit cards. But as far as I can tell they’re only AD&D policies, not general life policies.</p>

<p>I’m grateful for any more advice or links to any of these areas you may have direct experience with.</p>

16

<p>I work for a hospice organization. We have social workers who can answer many of these questions. Medicare covers hospice services. There has to be a reasonable assumption that death will occur within 6 months, however cases are reviewed every three months and if the person is still hospice appropriate then they are still covered. We have patients who have been in our program for 2 years.</p>

<p>Where do you live? I would check your local listings for hospice services and give them a call. We also offer bereavement counseling, volunteer support, as well as medical care but not all hosices are the same. If I knew where you lived I could find an accredited hospice near you.</p>

<p>This is a very difficult time for you and your family. Please take people with you to appointments to help take notes and have an extra set of ears to listen to what is being said.</p>