<p>Again, I’m with ZM. I think M’s Mom is making a LOT of assumptions. There is NO evidence AT ALL here that if the OP or her brother asked the parents questions about sex they wouldn’t be answered. Since the D had no trouble discussing what happened in sex class with her mom, I don’t get the impression that the parents are completely incapable of discussing sex with their kids.</p>
<p>All we know is that when the OP at the age of 15 considered having sex with her BF, she didn’t turn to her mom to ask questions because she knew her mom wouldn’t approve. How that constitutes a failure to parent is beyond me. In fact, I’d go so far as to say that the fact the message “I think 15 is too young” got through is evidence of good parenting. </p>
<p>Nor is there ANY evidence that the BOY wants to ask any questions he isn’t getting answers to right now. Maybe he’s not ready for that discussion yet. Maybe he has had such conversations PRIVATELY with his dad or mom. Or maybe even if he does want to ask questions, he would prefer not to have this discussion with his older sister. I have two older siblings. I would NEVER in a gazillion years have asked either of them questions about sex when I was 12. I would have been MORTIFIED if either of them had decided that they would talk to me about sex, and if they had said “Don’t tell Mom and Dad I did this” it would have made me EXTREMELY uncomfortable.</p>
<p>I’m not saying that this family’s experience is like my own. I am saying that it is not the job of strangers on a message board to tell a teenage girl to go behind her parents’ backs and convey, not only information, but her own attitudes towards sex to her brother if she knows her parents do not want her to do that.</p>
<p>"mother bought me What’s Happening to Your Body when I started puberty and we haven’t had a conversation, really, about sex since. "</p>
<p>In some families, mom deals with the girls and dad deals with boys for these things. Since the OP is a girl and the brother is a boy, can she really know?</p>
<p>Hi! I’m also a teenager, but I think I have a worthwhile suggestion. The Real Life Real Talk website has a ton of information for parents trying to effectively talk to their kids about sex. There is an “Ask the Experts” section of the website where people can submit questions and both a teen expert and an adult expert will post their answer. Mostly its used by parents, but I think they might take your question. Good Luck! This one is tricky.</p>
<p>"Oh, they don’t think I should be talking with them about sex, either. In my mother’s words: “What I was your age I didn’t even know what birth control was! I wasn’t even thinking about sex! You shouldn’t even consider anything until college or, preferably, marriage”.</p>
<p>Basically, there is not, and never has been, a discussion to be had. I don’t think I or they will ever be comfortable talking to each other about anything sex-related, and that saddens me a bit."</p>
<p>Based on OP’s comments, I stand by what I said-this is a failure to parent appropriately.</p>
<p>Wow, so many interesting and wonderful responses! I thank all of you whole-heartedly :]</p>
<p>Now, to respond and clarify:</p>
<p>I think the point some of you have made about my parents thinking that my bringing up the topic in front of my brother was inappropriate because it implied something about me being a sexual being is really interesting. I hadn’t thought of that, and it’s possible that that was a part of it.
However, I’m reluctant to completely accept that because when I brought up the same topic in front of her alone, she reacted so differently. Knowing her, if she had seen my talking about birth control, even in the context of Health class, as a way to flaunt, if you will, my own sexuality, she would have had the same reaction as she did with my brother. So I don’t know if that’s really it.</p>
<p>In response to zoosermom and others (“Many, many wonderful parents wouldn’t be open to that conversation with a 15 year old. Including me.”)
It wasn’t really the fact that she thought I was too young that bothers me. It’s the fact that it being so taboo in our household and making her so uncomfortable that she, a doctor, has never even told me the biological aspects of it (honestly, I learned in freshman Bio what actually happens during conception), about STIs, or anything. For better or worse (and I believe it’s for worse), her hesitations to talk about it have made me more uncomfortable with it. I eventually decided against having intercourse not really because I was scared of getting pregnant, etc, but because everytime my boyfriend and I talked about sex, I thought about what she’d think of me if I made the “wrong” decision, how much her respect for me would drop and how lying to her about my life would get even harder. She made me feel uncomfortable about my body, my desires, and yes, perhaps that’s perversely a good thing if it kept me from having sex too young, but ultimately if I keep that attitude as a result of her being uncomfortable, how will it affect me in the future?</p>
<p>I think your mom’s reaction made you feel bad, understandably, and you are now trying to make yourself feel better by finding fault in her. My parents also never discussed anything sex related with me except DON’T. So I didn’t…but when I was old enough and ready…according to the way I felt, I did. You seemed to have received good advice from your friend’s mother and sound like an intelligent girl also; you will be fine when the time is right…had it been right you would have gone ahead and had sex with your boyfriend already. I would think your brother would come to you when he doesn’t get anywhere with your parents…</p>
<p>“For better or worse (and I believe it’s for worse), her hesitations to talk about it have made me more uncomfortable with it.”</p>
<p>Yet you referenced two different conversations, one of which you indicated was pleasant. That’s not the same as not communicating at all. It’s important that you feel comfortable and a shame that you don’t, but that doesn’t give you the right to interfere with your parents’ parenting of your brother. That is simply not your place at this time, and if it ever is your place it will be because he sought your guidance.</p>
<p>zm, I haven’t seen any advocate for her to take charge of his sex education with graphs and laser pointers but just to be a resource in case he comes to her. I would have no problem with my older son answering questions for my younger son as long as, as I said in an earlier post, his answers didn’t in any way imply that he condoned his little brother partaking in behavior he knows we wouldn’t approve of.</p>
<p>I have two kids three and a half years apart.</p>
<p>I have never attempted to control the content of their conversations with each other, not even when they were very young. I don’t think that’s my place. If my older one ever attempted to enlighten the younger on any topic (and I don’t know whether he did), I wouldn’t consider it interfering with my parenting. It would simply be an older kid talking to a younger one.</p>
<p>If the OP wants to talk to her brother about sexual matters, I think that she has a perfect right to do so.</p>
<p>My kids are the same ages as the OP and her brother (well, close enough as D is turning 16 and S is turning 12). I wouldn’t have a problem if they talked to each other about sex. D is a responsible girl, and I know that she has been well-informed as I have made sure that she is.</p>
<p>I have had conversations with both of my kids about sex - appropriate to their ages. The thing is, OP is concerned for her brother because she feels she was either misinformed or not informed at all, and she doesn’t want the same thing to happen to him. I agree with her - that is a serious issue. My S is only 11, and he has 12 and 13 year old girls calling him. He has also told me that he loves kissing girls!! I’m not sure when this kissing is taking place (at parties, I’m guessing), but I’m sure it does - and he’s only 11! </p>
<p>D is much more private - and she has an older BF (2 years older) who she has been dating for over a year. Since she doesn’t want to talk about herself, I just make sure that I give her the information that she needs and that she knows I am available if she has any questions.</p>
<p>My kids also are similar in age to those being discussed as well. My younger one was getting phone calls from girls at 11, asking him to go to dances with them, etc. I think it’s wise of the OP to be concerned about her little brother. My younger one, now 13, seems much more sexually aware than his older brother, certainly at that age. I guess because of his gregarious nature he just gets a lot of female attention and always has. Unfortunately, sometimes that means he’s more secretive than his brother. I hope that at the times he doesn’t turn to his dad and I that he’s turning to his brother.</p>
<p>I think normal conversation between siblings is very important. What I don’t support is the OP educating her brother that he has been harmed by his parents’ dangerous behavior because they don’t communicate in the way that the OP or some posters prefers.</p>
<p>I reread the OP. It sounds as though your family might describe themselves as having “very traditional values.” If so, perhaps your Dad has a different approach in mind for teaching his son than what you currently experience roundtable in a mixed-gender setting. </p>
<p>Are you able to express your concerns to your own Dad, leaving yourself out of the center of the conversation, but just to say that you’re concerned for your brother because of all the pressures out there today, and you just hope that he (not they) intend to help him as much as possible to guide him well.</p>
<p>Depends on how your communication is with your dad. </p>
<p>Or just drop it lightly to your brother; you know dad really is great to talk to about most anything on your mind…</p>
<p>Some families do better when the conversation doesn’t include girl, boy, woman, man roundtable and all-at-once. You have to consider the setting in which you brought up your concerns may have added to the difficulty of resolving them for your brother’s benefit.</p>
<p>Maybe dad will understand this, better than mom, if you go alone to him to speak on behalf of what most boys your brother’s age require (information! parental guidance!) in these times. If he goes on with what he didn’t know at the same age, or who he learned from, just say, “times have changed and kids need their parents on this more than ever.” </p>
<p>You really dont know if your younger brother has already spoken to your mom or dad already. If your brother is anything like my son or friends of mines sons, believe me, if a boy HAS ANY questions they will pop out of his mouth as if he was asking what size shoe mom wore. Boys are different than girls in MANY MANY ways. Girls will almost analyze a question down to the tone a question is asked, versus a boy, out pops the question, warts and all, no matter who is embarrassed. </p>
<p>As a mom, I would prefer this not to come from an older sister unless it was specifically asked for, and I feel my 17 year old would refer the ?'s to me and or tell me younger sib were asking questions. As a teen yourself, you really don’t have a handle on as to what your brother is developmentally ready to hear.</p>
<p>I think that the posters here who think that they can limit what older sib tells younger sib or that older sib’s first instinct would be to refer younger sib’s questions to the parent are misreading the way siblings who are fairly close in age (and I would include four years apart as “fairly close”) tend to interact.</p>
<p>As early as second grade, I noticed that my older child was picking up sexual information at school. The sources were always kids who had older siblings. The older siblings had passed on information they had picked up from their parents, friends, or other sources to the younger ones. Or perhaps the younger siblings had overheard conversations.</p>
<p>I assume that my second child was one of the sources of corruption by the time she hit the second grade. Certainly, she knew more than her brother had at the same age, just from overhearing questions that her brother asked me in her presence (and perhaps he was specifically telling her things as well).</p>
<p>I don’t think that a three- or four-years-older sibling thinks much about his or her younger sibling’s developmental readiness. Such thinking may happen in families with larger gaps between kids – say, six years or more – where the kids tend to think of themselves as being almost members of different generations. But in the typical, more closely spaced family, I don’t think it really happens that way.</p>
<p>CBK started a separate thread, and it made me think that perhaps parents don’t realize how early this stuff begins. A friend told me her sixth-grade son was asked to play a sex game on the school bus by older girls. He made the mistake of writing about it in an e-mail to some other kids, and the dad of a girl who received the e-mail called my friend’s dh. This is an 11yo boy just riding the bus home from the no. 1-rated middle school in the district. This kind of exposure is happening all the time to kids.</p>
<p>I like what Marian pointed out about how having older siblings changes the dynamic. I suppose that’s partly to blame for the fact that my younger one seems so much more advanced. We’ve done most things the exact same way, but I do think we’ve been more open earlier with the younger one about such things (but it’s a chicken or egg thing – we were more open because it seemed he needed it!!!)</p>
<p>For those of you who don’t think you need to talk about sex with your kids because they haven’t raised the topic with you-or some aspect of the topic (oral sex, homosexuality, etc…)-consider the possibility they have have already talked to my kids, who have probably shared everything they know (because we treat this information as routine), and a lot of stuff they think they know (but don’t because they got it wrong), plus some speculation that probably has no bearing on reality at all (because sex is always interesting to talk about). </p>
<p>A story to make the point: Years ago, I was driving my 6 yr old son and his best buddy to soccer practice. My son, in a fit of enthusiasm for his friend, said, “Kevin, we should get married when we grow up.” Kevin scoffed, “Boys don’t marry boys!.” My son smugly shot back, “Yes they do. My Uncle Martin married my Uncle Bob. I was there.” Kevin clearly didn’t believe this so he asked, “M’s Mom, did S’s Uncle Martin marry his Uncle Bob?” I answered that indeed they did and it was a lovely wedding. </p>
<p>I don’t know whether Kevin asked his parents about this. I don’t know what they would have said. But I hope they were ready for an open and honest conversation about their values, whatever they are, rather than making Kevin feel bad for bringing up the topic-assuming he felt that he could.</p>
<p>These topics come up when you least expect them.</p>
<p>I was teaching Sunday School to 4th graders about ten years ago. The topic was “fear”. At first the kids had trouble thinking about things they were afraid of, but then one of the boys said that he was afraid of the kindergarten teacher at the elementary school. This teacher is a gifted educator who also happens to be gay. His appearance and mannerisms are effeminate, and very different from most men these children would have been in contact with. The boys in the Sunday School class agreed that he was someone they should be afraid of. (the girls hadn’t seen him as a threat and thought he was different but “nice”.) </p>
<p>(editing myself: I’m going to interject on my own post that sometimes kids’ gut feelings about someone is correct, and the person is truly a danger to them. In this case, I know the teacher well, and have for 14 years now, and he is not a threat to children. I do believe it’s important to teach children to differentiate between someone who is a threat, and someone who is just different.)</p>
<p>I took a deep breath and we ended up having a long talk about the difference between “gay” and “pedophile”. We also talked about the fact that this particular employee is probably one of the most scrutinized in the district, and that he would not be in our school unless he was considered safe to be around kids. We didn’t talk about gay sex:), but spent a lot of time on compassion.</p>
<p>That afternoon, I called the parents of every child in the room to tell them about the turn our lesson had taken. Without exception, the parents were surprised that their kids would want to talk about this, but also open to having follow-up conversations with their kids. </p>
<p>They want to know things, but are sometimes confused about their own perceptions and what the media might be saying and need our help.</p>
<p>Maybe your parents were not happy about the idea of you having sex at such a young age? I don’t believe that people should be dating until they are 18. Relationships at younger ages are usually fickle in nature and lead only to emotional angst at the end. Your parents were perhaps trying to stop you from influencing your brother and rightfully so.</p>
<p>I recall my daughter fretting about dating at 14/15. I explained to her dating was practice for finding out who you would chose as a spouse. The thoughts of it being as such changed her mind pretty quickly. She saw all the DRAMA that went along with a boyfriend/girlfriend from her friends she thought it was nuts to get so emotionally entangled with someone till she is older.</p>