Parent Sex Ed.

Parent Cafe
1

<p>Forgive me for intruding, but I’m a high schooler who lurks around the Parents part from time to time because I think you guys give better advice than my high school peers.</p>

<p>I’m a sophomore (age 16), and in Health class we’ve just begun to cover birth control. We’ve learned the side effects of various hormonal ones, put condoms on bananas, etc. And I was talking to my mom about this earlier today and she started laughing and remembering high school and it was generally a pleasant conversation. I brought the same topic up at dinner tonight, when my dad and brother were at the table, and she flipped. My brother is 12 and she and my father found it completely inappropriate to discuss such things in front of him. For them, it was less my knowing about sex that bothered them and more the idea of him, the innocent little 12 year old, hearing anything about it that mad them upset.</p>

<p>Now, my parents have never been big on any variation of The Talk. My mother bought me What’s Happening to Your Body when I started puberty and we haven’t had a conversation, really, about sex since. While I respect that choice, I definitely don’t agree with it. Last year, I had my first serious boyfriend and we were considering sex. I ended up going to my best friend’s mom to get a talk about birth control, STIs, etc. Honestly, that conversation blew my mind; everything I had learned about sex had been from midnight conversations during sleepovers, etc, and I really had no idea what I was getting into. I’m really grateful that some of my friends cared enough about me to make sure I knew the facts, because there’s no way I would’ve known otherwise.</p>

<p>I wanted to bring that up point whilst talking to my parents, but they said what they say everytime the conversation turns in that direction: We’re your parents. It doesn’t matter if you agree or disagree with our decisions, you MUST respect us and them and you MUST follow them. When you leave the house you’re allowed to cut any and all ties with us loose, but until then we’re in charge.</p>

<p>I don’t want my brother to be in the same situation I found myself in last year. I want to help him, I want to further the conversation with my parents about sex, but most of all I want my parents to understand that pretending that the problem simply doesn’t exist and won’t bother their children (they’ve done the same thing with drinking, drugs, etc) is not helpful to anyone in the long run!</p>

<p>I’m not quite sure of the exact purpose of this post. I suppose I want some feedback, from parents with (hopefully) conflicting viewpoints, about what I can do with my brother/parents/self, if you think I should do anything at all.</p>

<p>Thanks in advance!</p>

2

<p>I recall an educator from Planned Parenthood saying that the best sex education comes in a form of ongoing dialogue starting when the child is age 2! (Naming body parts in a bathtub, don’t skip over between the knees and belly-button :)</p>

<p>In other words, answer and anticipate a bit as each age and stage are encountered, rather than waiting for one Big Talk pre-puberty. This sets the groundwork for continuing communication throughout the teenage years, if the teens wish so.</p>

<p>If your parents agree with the aims of Planned Parenthood, perhaps they have literature or a pamphlet that articulates this idea. Or website.</p>

<p>OTOH, they might feel that your brother’s age 12 isn’t the right age for the topics you introduced around the dinner table right then, although they might be right for your age in private conversation between you and them.</p>

<p>PS, I’m also remembering how Planned Parenthood emphasized not answering more than the kid asks. Some little kid asks, “Where did I come from?” and the parents go into a 2-hour detailed biological narrative of how babies are made. The kid’s eyes are spinning, and he says, “Oh. Anyway, my friend Jimmy comes from Chicago.”</p>

3

<p>Oh, they don’t think I should be talking with them about sex, either. In my mother’s words: “What I was your age I didn’t even know what birth control was! I wasn’t even thinking about sex! You shouldn’t even consider anything until college or, preferably, marriage”.</p>

<p>Basically, there is not, and never has been, a discussion to be had. I don’t think I or they will ever be comfortable talking to each other about anything sex-related, and that saddens me a bit.</p>

4

<p>You’re not going to change your parents’ point of view. Obviously, this is uncomfortable for them, and your being “logical” won’t make any difference.</p>

<p>If your goal is to help your brother – not change your parents – you can do that just by talking to him. Tell him the jist of what he needs to know and tell him where he can go for more information. He too could go to a friend’s parent. Or buy him a book.</p>

<p>But leave your parents alone. I think it’s futile to try to change them.</p>

5

<p>Am I correct in assuming, cliche, that “MUST respect us” means that you agree not to have sex while living under your parents’ roof? If so, it appears that your parents think they have your agreement, and that they believe you would not consider going against them . . . </p>

<p>What do you think? It seems that your friend’s mom had a role in convincing you of something. If you now agree with your parents’ stance, perhaps things are okay for you. If you don’t agree, well, I guess you have the choice of confronting them or doing your own thing without them knowing about it. It sounds like you are not in a relationship right now (?)</p>

<p>Even if you are totally on board with your parents rules, there is no guarantee that your brother will be. Circumstances might lead him in quite another direction. If your parents refuse to talk or provide information, I think it would be appropriate for you to try to do so, if that is acceptable to him. Otherwise the parents of one of his friends . . . ?</p>

6

<p>Oh, now I see, having just read your post #3.</p>

<p>That IS sad. All you can really do is decide to do it differently for your own children. You also have the right, as a sister, to mention to your brother that sometimes kids his age have questions about their bodies, and if he does, try talking to (name some other trusted relative, teacher, or his doctor).
Tell him that it’s important for him to get serious answers from responsible adults, and that you had to learn that with difficulty, so you want to save him that difficulty. </p>

<p>That’s not giving him information; it;s more clueing him in that it would be natural for him to want information and some ideas about which kind of person is appropriate to seek it out. Certainly he’ll get info from peers, but the problem is he might need an adult to sort out the misinformation from the information, or put a values context around the information. </p>

<p>Tough challenge for a big sister, but if you steer him towards a responsible adult (male, usually) for info and let him know it’s normal for kids to want info, you’d be helping him without undermining your parents.</p>

7

<p>Ironically, I am looking at this from the other side. D won’t talk with me about ANYTHING now that there is a BF on the scene. She has become very private. Guess we didn’t keep the communications link open enough early in the game.</p>

8

<p>I agree with VeryHappy.</p>

9

<p>My mom was the same with my sister and I. I learned everything from experience, peers, and the internet (not the best avenues, I know, but luckily I checked some pretty credible sites)</p>

<p>Now my sister (who’s 18) is still almost completely in the dark, but I hesitate to tell her anything, because I think she’s the type of good two-shoes that my mom’s questionable plan would actually work on. Whereas it could have gotten me in a lot of trouble, I dont think my sister is really going to try anything anyway.</p>

10

<p>I agree with VeryHappy. You aren’t going to change the way your parents think. You have found someone who was willing to talk to you, and there is plenty of good information on the internet if you go to reputable sites. </p>

<p>For your brother, try to steer him towards good information. At 12, he probably isn’t really ready for sex ‘stuff’, but you may want to pave the way by telling him that he can talk to you, or you could get him a book or a list of websites. </p>

<p>And, while this is not in the least bit helpful, I’m sure when your mother was 16 she WAS thinking about sex…</p>

11

<p>Oddly, a similar situation happened at our dinner table last week. I mentioned someone being on antibiotics prophylactically. Our 18 yo S ■■■■■■■■■ and mumbled something. My 16 yo D asked what prophylactically meant. I explained. My H then said something snarky to my S about always wearing a cap. Well, i just lost it! I screamed at the 2 of them - especially my H. I just had hopes of elevating the dinner table discussion but it was not to be. Perhaps, your mom felt the same way–you know, time and place for everything??
BTW, away from the dinner table, we have been extremely frank with our kids, but not prying into the details of their lives, either.</p>

12

<p>I feel somewhat differently than the other posters about this. I think your brother is at risk because he hasn’t received good information from your parents thus far and probably doesn’t feel like he can ask them questions. 12 is not too young to be seeing physical changes in your body-some boys change early-or changes in your interest in sex. No doubt he is getting the same misinformation you were at sleepovers and in the proverbial locker room. </p>

<p>Save him some anguish by educating yourself further, talking to him (with the caveat that you aren’t an expert) and pointing him to some good resources at the library and on the internet. (You can get that from your health teacher.) Normally, I wouldn’t suggest that a teenage girl is the best person to have this conversation with her brother, but boys are notoriously poor at communicating with other adults and unless he has someone in his life that he is very close to, he is unlikely to initiate a conversation on a topic that is taboo in his household. The years of fear and dread that there is ‘something wrong’ with you or your body is too big a burdon to drop on a 12 year old boy because he is afraid to initiate a conversation, so you will need to do the intiating.</p>

13

<p>Unfortunate as it is, it’s an age-old tradition that parents don’t feel comfortable talking to their kids about sex and they have to get info somewhere else. You might take this opportunity just to make sure you understand your mom. Go to her and say, “Remember the other day when we were at the dinner table and you got on to me about talking about sex in front of Johnny? Was the problem that Johnny was there, or the topic at the dinner table or the topic at all? I understand that you don’t want me to have sex too young, but don’t you want me to be informed for when I do have sex?” And then see where it goes.</p>

<p>I agree you should be a person to turn to for information about sex for your brother. Make sure he understands that by talking about it you are not condoning it at his age.</p>

14

<p>Dear Teenage cliche:</p>

<p>1) It sounds like your mother, at least some of the time, is somewhat open to the idea of talking about sex with you. Maybe one-on-one with her, you could tell her your concerns about your brother’s lack of info.</p>

<p>2) Maybe your parents are more uncomfortable with the idea of casually regarding sexual activity for (young) teens as acceptable and a given, than with communicating info. Don’t you think there’s a difference? In casual multi-age broad conversations, it can sound like what’s being discussed is not theoretical knowledge, but knowledge based on past practice. So your parents may not want your brother to assume, at age 12, that by 16 he’s going to have experienced lots of sexual practices, partnerships, behaviors, etc. They may not want to believe or know that <em>you</em> have experienced these things either. But there is a subtle difference between the discomfort of hearing/seeing that their children are doing things of which they disapprove, and understanding that it’s important to give their children access to information and education about sex. Maybe the line you crossed was more about implying, in front of your brother, that you had an active sex life of a particular sort, than about sharing neutral information.</p>

<p>I hope you can find a way to keep talking to your parents about sex. Maybe one-on-one, and maybe not at dinner.</p>

15

<p>For some reason this is a very difficult subject in our society . I do not believe this to be a dinner time/table conversation - just too many people, too many different reactions.
There is a HUGE difference in a sex info that is needed for a 12 year old versus 16 year old.
I bought mine 13 year old boy a book What Is Happening Down There. He loved it and had questions, but asked me and not his dad.
Because of my profession, I never had problems discussing sex and maturation with my kids. My approach was to answer questions truthfully, althought I did have to twist my brain a little to answer the one about an oral sex to a then 9 year old. The secret lies in just answering the question I think, but we tend to provide too much of an answer just because we feel embarassed.</p>

<p>Putting a condom on a banana :), this would be a conversation piece at our dinner table !</p>

16

<p>I believe in openness and information, but parental sovereignty is also very important to me. I have a huge, huge problem with the sister circumventing the parents as far as the brother is concerned. If he asks you a question, answer with the best information you can, but it’s not your right to parent him. You don’t have to agree with your parents and you can let your brother know that you are there for him, but that’s as far as it should go at your instigation. We may not always like the way other people parent, but that doesn’t mean we have the right to interfere in their parent/child relationships. For the record, I don’t think sex is the right topic for the family dinner table, either.</p>

17

<p>I’m with zoozermom. I think sex belongs in marriage. My own approach was that you have a right to make the decision for yourself when you are an adult and can deal with the consequences. Despite that opinion–or maybe because of it–I always answered questions as openly as possible. </p>

<p>That said, big sis is NOT her brother’s parent. It is up to his parents to decide how to raise her brother. I would encourage big sis to talk to her mom privately and say that she thinks her parents are making a mistake and in the absence of good information from them, he will get misinformation from other sources. She can suggest getting the boys’ version of the What’s Happening to My Body book for him. However, even if she doesn’t agree with their approach, it is NOT her place to go behind their backs and tell her brother he should go ask his questions of other people or take on that role herself.</p>

<p>I also think bringing up the matter at the family dinner table–especially since big sis KNOWS her parents’ attitude --was wholly inappropriate.</p>

18

<p>Unfortunately, if parents choose not to ‘parent’ their children, they can count on his peers to take their place with plenty of dangerous misinformation, as OP discovered. I’d rather trust a concerned older sister who posits herself as a non-expert and directs him to reputable resources than the kid he’s sleeping over with or some bunch of guys making jokes in the locker room. So as much as I respect the rights of parents to do it their own way, children have a right to feel safe and comfortable about their own bodies, even if they don’t feel they have the right to ask those questions of their parents. And if parents refuse to provide information, then they shouldn’t feel surprised or dismayed when a concerned sibling, parent of friend or another adult steps in: Imagine what might have happened has OP’s friend’s mother refused to talk to her. A child’s potential safety and well-being always comes before a parent’s right to be in control.</p>

19

<p>M’s mom. well said.</p>

20

<p>“Unfortunately, if parents choose not to ‘parent’ their children”
That’s your opinion and doesn’t necessarily appear to be the case here. The OP may not know what, if anything, has been said to her brother or what plans are in place to inform him. Not speaking about sex at dinner is not “dangerous” and it is not appropriate at all for this young person to go behind her parents’ back. Speak to them, yes. Express concern, yes. Answer any questions her brother may have had? Yes. But parent him? Absolutely, positively not. I have never had “the talk” with my girls but we have discussed specific items as they’ve come up in normal life. For me, the perspective of a young person who brings up an uncomfortable topic at dinner, without regard to her parents’ preferences isn’t necessarily the most reliable authority here. It makes me wonder if she’s just pressing buttons or trying to dictate to her parents. This child is twelve years old and his parents know best about his developmental abilities and his needs, not his sister. It is much, much, much too early for people to support her in circumventing her parents.</p>

<p>From OP: “I was talking to my mom about this earlier today and she started laughing and remembering high school and it was generally a pleasant conversation.”
"mother bought me What’s Happening to Your Body when I started puberty and we haven’t had a conversation, really, about sex since. "</p>

<p>Mom is NOT not parenting here and it’s pretty clear that the problem isn’t lack of information, it’s not being able to go to mom and say “BF and I are considering sex.”</p>

<p>Many, many wonderful parents wouldn’t be open to that conversation with a 15 year old. Including me. I’m siding with the parents here.</p>