<p>Daughter 19 home from first year at college. Had a rough transition socially. Is introverted and found mixing difficult. Academically did well - all A’s
Did not get involved in social clubs or offerings on campus.<br>
Boyfriend she met on line moved to town next to her college - never met him before he moved. Had communicated on line for over 1.5 years. Boyfriend lacks initiative in my estimation. Doesn’t drive - took him 6 months to find a job (now working for $7/hr), not in school.- has no parents - both deceased . As you can see I have issues regarding him - mainly the lack of initiative/ drive not going to school. Interestingly enough her gpa dropped to 3.2.
Home since mid May has driven up on 3 Saturdays to see him he doesnt want to use public transportation to come to our neck of the woods
Wants to attend the comic con conference. Wants to stay at boyfriends apt rather than pay for motel. Came to talk with us about it Dad and I agree that we would rather pay for motel. Yes I know things can go on without sleeping over Just dont feel comfortable with her flaunting it. Her Dad has told her it is not acceptable morally or culturally. At this time we are paying for her education, car etc. She has a summer job.
Not sure what Im asking although Im so torn Even if I liked the guy I wouldnt feel comfortable.<br>
Any moral support, words of wisdom?
How have you or would you handle this situation</p>
<p>My guess, and it is just a guess, is that your daughter needs something exciting to do that will take her away from her boyfriend and introduce her to new people. It’s a tall order, I admit, because it’s hard to bring a reserved person out of their comfort zone. Perhaps you could help your daughter get a more demanding / interesting job, attend an adventure camp, or take a special family vacation somewhere that she won’t see her boyfriend. The point is to make her want to do something else and, admittedly, that won’t be easy.</p>
<p>If he has enough spunk, her boyfriend will miss her and go to her. And if she finds excitement elsewhere but still loves him, it may be a match.</p>
<p>I would be concerned
Youve indicated that D has some- sorry hate this term "self esteem " issues &
boyfriend she met online
boyfriend is barely employed
boyfriend moved to be near her
Boyfriend doesn’t seem to have any family or other ties
those raise ?s
I am not clear if you have not met him at all?
I think it would be important to meet him- not that you would necessarily feel any better- but it may give you more information to know what steps to pursue if any
I also think students can contribute a significant share of their education and upkeep
In fact I think they * should* do so</p>
<p>If she is so busy working, perhaps she will be too tired to drive and see him on her days off- or maybe she will even meet someone else that has a decent job!</p>
<p>Your D and BF both seem lonely, and are fulfilling all their social needs with each other, it sounds like. It doesn’t all have to be negative – sometimes having a boyfriend for awhile gives an introverted girl a bit more confidence - Hey, somebody thinks I’m worthwhile - and eventually she feels strong enough to go out on her own. </p>
<p>I’m sure you know that BF would be just as likely to spend the night with her at the hotel. Or she would never show up at the hotel. We each have different family standards; I don’t mean to presume anything about yours. If it were my child, I would insist she go with a friend or sibling. I do pull rank occasionally. :)</p>
<p>I can’t help but feel some caution flags, based on a recent sad situation involving a family friend when she went off to college - the similarities to your D’s situation are striking – bright young girl with some insecurity, BF’s parents out of picture, desire to please… </p>
<p>If your D’s BF is too needy, he can become a parasite - or worse. He did show a bit of initiative moving to be close to her, but I’m afraid it could be a controlling type of initiative – keeping an eye on her or something. She seems to be “doing all the work” in the relationship otherwise. He says jump, she says how high? Low self-esteem can be a precursor to an unhealthy relationship. </p>
<p>Have you met him yet? Do you have any gut reactions?</p>
<p>Don’t mean to be jumping the gun or expecting the worse, but I think it’s worthwhile for everyone to be aware of signs that a relationship is going from bad to worse – including your daughter:
<a href=“http://www.msu.edu/~safe/facts/warning_dv.htm[/url]”>http://www.msu.edu/~safe/facts/warning_dv.htm</a></p>
<p>Whatever you do, I encourage you to keep the lines of communication open. Work on building your D up – “Of course he likes you. Who wouldn’t?” without tearing BF down (too much). And I agree with the other posters that a good way to build self-esteem is by being productive - through a job, some financial responsibilities, even chores.</p>
<p>I’d also be suspicious about the deceased parents. Could he just be escaping his past with a phony sob story? I’d have him checked out by an investigator. Your daughter is too caught up with him and he is no prize.</p>
<p>I also think the suggestions about keeping her incredibly busy & stimulated are great. Lonliness is painful. Perhaps you can make joining a club on campus a condition of your financial support? If you approach it as a way to pad her resume, not criticize her, it might work.</p>