<p>So, since my m-i-l is worried that my b-i-l & family would become homeless otherwise, it sounds like she’ll let them live in their 5,000 square foot vacation home for a couple hundred bucks a month. Since living for nearly free will reduce the cost, they’ll use the extra money for things like ski passes, whitewater rafting trips, private lessons, etc and life the good life until m-i-l gets tired of them and throws them out.</p>
<p>Is it wrong to be frustrated with the whole situation? Year after year after year they get bailed out time and time again for bad choices they make, yet they live a plush lifestyle that I can only dream of. Not earned from hard work, but handed to them on a silver platter by people who feel sorry for them.</p>
<p>Nope, you got nothin’ in this situation… they are your in-laws, and NOTHING you can do will change this. However, I always think that I would not trade for the life of the freeloaders even if I could… wouldn’t want people to feel sorry for me and give me something I haven’t earned if I could possibly take care of it myself. Take your own self respect and enjoy that you have something they don’t have that is far more important than any material thing you MIL has to hand out.</p>
Yes, it’s wrong. It’ll cause nothing but negative feelings between you and everyone else. Jealousy isn’t a healthy emotion.</p>
<p>What your MIL does with your BIL has nothing to do with you so why do you care? Do you want to move in with your MIL and pay a couple of hundred dollars a month to them for rent so you can keep the rest of your money? If so I suppose you could ask the MIL if you can move in and mooch off of her as well but I can’t imagine anyone actually wanting to do that unless there’s something off with them (like maybe with your BIL) or a true need. Again, it has nothing to do with you so just don’t dwell on it and let it bother you.</p>
<p>Absolutely no! It is not wrong. You can’t help how you feel. However, it won’t change anything and it is not productive to think about it constantly. I also have a BIL who is a freeloader and lives off of others. At this point, I am more disgusted with him than frustrated, but I try to just not think about it. Just keep remembering that at some point, your MIL will not be around to help that BIL out anymore, and he will not have developed the skills to make it on his own. You on the other hand, will be self-sufficient and independent, and have no one but yourselves to thank for your successes. Try to remove yourself from the situation as much as possible, and if your MIL brings up this family in discussion, just change the subject. Of course, it might make you feel good to throw out an innocent comment occasionally: when they bring up some fabulous skiing vacation they had, you could casually say something like “How much fun for you- it must be nice to be able to take trips like that. We are going to have to wait until we finish helping our kids with college…”</p>
<p>^^^ Agreed. Scream it out in private if you like, and then shower them with sugar when you have to interact with the in-laws. And enjoy the schadenfreude when karma eventually comes around for these folks. It’s coming sooner rather than later if you are already anticipating MIL getting tired of them and throwing them out.</p>
<p>Also, talk with your spouse now about what, if any, support the two of you will offer when MIL is gone. You want to make those decisions with a cool head, not in the midst of grief…because you know the freeloaders will come begging for a handout when you are at your lowest and weakest point. It’s good to be able to preserve the family relationship, if possible, without being taken to the cleaners.</p>
<p>It seems like every family has one of these.</p>
<p>It’s true…every family has one, and in some cases MORE .<br>
I think you are entitled to your feelings , but they will not change the situation.
Vent here , anonymously and you just might get some worthy advice and feel a bit better about it
Take pride in the fact that you and your husband are not leeches and can hold your heads high</p>
<p>Oh, I’m in complete disagreement with those posting here. Of course, it’s lousy and needs to be called so. If you don’t, you’ll go to your grave wishing you made the idiots face their stupidity and gross unfairness. You’ll really feel better having said something. To just always swallow the bile is not really that noble, imo.</p>
<p>Obviously, serious dysfunction is at work in your spouse’s family. You are likely to receive nothing, so why not at least speak truth to the idiots? I would. :)</p>
<p>My DH’s sister has been with a series of bozo BF’s. She never really advanced beyond grant-funded research assistant. Never had kids. Yet it’s always about someone victimizing her. My DH’s parents have bought her homes, cars, sent her BF’s through degree programs, etc. She’s just always penniless. His parents told him a while ago “We know you’ll understand when we leave it all to your sister.” Well “all” is about a half-million and no, actually, he doesn’t understand. Has never asked for a penny since he was 18 and he let them know. It felt great!</p>
<p>It’s not as if he “lost” anything in stating his honest opinion. There was enormous shock. There was silence. Then there was his dad calling and saying they understood and yes, in fact, it will be 50-50.</p>
<p>So I say, speak up. I do not believe parents should penalize kids for being responsible. If it’s an issue of serious medical problems, then sure. But otherwise, no.</p>
<p>The parents are entitled to do whatever they want with their money including spending it on these people, donating it all to charity, or leaving it all to Fifi. None of that penalizes the OP.</p>
<p>If the parents are feeble-minded or suffering from dementia, or if it’s felt the BIL’s side is lying and perpetrating a fraud on the parents, then I think it’s okay to intervene - not just feel frustrated but actually do something to attempt to correct the situation.</p>
<p>One of DH’s brothers was similar. In the cool reality of day, we discussed what we would do if he showed up on our doorstep with all his worldly possessions in a big green garbage bag. DH decided that we would turn him away, as we had our own family to take care of and they took priority.</p>
<p>Thankfully he showed up on the other brother’s doorstep, so we were safe.</p>
<p>Well, sure. But anyone with half a brain knows that favoring one child over another will destroy any familial relationship that might have survived after mom and dad are gone. Of course, mom and dad don’t need to worry about that. (I think…)</p>
<p>And when mom and dad are ill and need help, who is going to take care of them? I am guessing not the BIL. I agree with Sewhappy- what do you have to lose by clearing the air. At the least, you might feel better.</p>
Perhaps (but not always depending on circumstances) but it doesn’t matter since it’s the parents who are doing it, not something the OP has direct control over, and short of trying to convince the parents of their foolhardiness there’s not much to be done.</p>
<p>And yes, it’ll likely be the more responsible kids of these parents who’ll end up taking care of them eventually rather than the adult kids who are still being taken care of by the parents.</p>
<p>I really wouldn’t assume that the responsible kids are just going to step up and take responsibility if they have been mistreated for too long. Their parents aren’t their children. It’s not their job. Parents should think of this when taking advantage of certain kid’s unlimited good will. So should other siblings who enjoy the favored status.</p>
<p>Not sure about all of the dynamics. But isn’t mil’s money? If so, then it is her choice. Did you ever suggest you and your family live there for next to nothing? I can see feeling slighted if you did and she said no only to turn around and say yes to bil. I don’t get upset by stuff like this. Growing up I wasn’t the favorite and never expected to be then or in the future anyone’s favorite. I learned early on that some people can get away with more, can get more gifts, people like them more. W ould be willing to put them up in a $5million home for free after said person squandered their own money on drugs/gambling before lending me $100. I accept that as the way the world works. I don’t feel jealousy or anger or anything at not being the favorite or chosen one. I don’t want to live bailed out by others either because I don’t believe that anything is for free. For the most part, I would rather live in my own apartment in the slums then have to put up with a mil’s rules in her home.</p>
<p>Mistreated because someone is living in mil’s vacation home for next to nothing? How is that mistreating another GROWN ADULT sibling and his/her spouse? I can see it if as CHILDREN one child has a nice room with a nice big bed in the family home while another sleeps in the basement on a cot when the family has plenty of money… Maybe MIL has tons of money and won’t need op or any of her children to provide for her.</p>
<p>I thought this thread was about when we were kids. My sister and I have sometimes talked and discovered we thought the other one was getting favored treatment at times. Our parents were actually somewhat too fair and equal, not always reponding to different needs it seemed. Over the years our brother had cheap rent of the family home, I had medical school help (what little they could “afford”- deny themselves to give me funds) and my sister…</p>
<p>In my experience, the kids who continue to take advantage and never take responsibility tend not to show up when other people need something, like care and attention.</p>
<p>The problem with your comment is that MIL’s commonly believe they will be cared for by their son’s WIVES in their old age. For me, my MIL has been great. My own parents, not so much. I would take my MIL in in her old age, not my M.</p>
<p>I guess GladDad and I are in the minority here. I see the OP as blessedly free of the entanglement and conditions and inertia that come from being an adult so dependant on another adult that you freeload. But sadly, life is not a movie-of-the-week and there is no remote possibility that shooting off our mouths “improves” the situation or “clears” the air. It just magnifies or creates a rift. You become the bad guy for ruining what was an agreeable situation that does not actually directly involve you. What might happen later, what expectations might become obvious – those aren’t happening now and don’t create a ranting at the family opportunity. It won’t change anything for the better. And they will no doubt be baffled and feel attacked. </p>
<p>Ranting/venting here? F’sure!! Is the OP wrong in thinking it’s a lousy arrangement? Nope. It’s an irritating situation. I know! My inlaws kept a car we had when we were first married, because we had no place to park it at our tiny apartment. And they gave it to my BIL to use, even though we were still insuring it and despite his suspended license. THAT sort of thing you talk about! But their money, their life, their choices? Nothing to gain, much to lose. YMMV</p>
<p>In my DH’s case, he didn’t scream or be mean about the decades of favoritism toward his sister. He just calmly stated that he thought the plan to leave all funds to his sister was wrong. He also pointed out that he had never asked for money since age 18 and that he had two kids he’d raised and educated without asking for the slightest help while the younger sibling has not had kids and has been subsidized all her life by the parents. This was just stated calmly and he simply told them it was, of course, their decision but that he’d never think it was the correct or morally just decision in any sense.</p>
<p>FWIW, my DH’s sister lives in a house purchased for her by the parents and does take them shopping and sometimes to the doctor. She complains vociferously about this. When either of the parents has been hospitalized I or my DH or both of us have flown across country to be there. Not sure we will again.</p>
<p>The inheritance in question is not insignificant but also not life changing. We’ll be fine without it. What I find fascinating and really foul is the realization that some parents like my in-laws see the real value of having kids in terms of serving as caretakers for them in their old age. I just can’t imagine thinking of my own kids that way. I’d much rather pay for my necessary care at any cost then turn my kids into my caretaker.</p>