Parental thoughts on essay

<p>I've posted this in the admission's section but I thought I would try it here - parents seem to give a bit better advice. </p>

<p>I know it's clich</p>

<p>Wow, I am impressed. I liked the essay a lot. If I were to suggest anything, it would be to explain in greater detail some of your experiences in Africa and how Africa changed you .</p>

<p>I liked it too. But I have a few suggestions: Starting the second paragraph the same way you started the lst one made me think, at first, that you had mistyped the whole thing or messed up the cut & paste function. So I would suggest doing something to make it clearer that these are really meant to be different. The easiest way to handle this would be a transitional sentence to make it clear that time has passed between paragraphs 1 and 2. I would also omit the last sentence of paragraph 1, and would change the word "futile" in paragraph 3; I don't think "futile" is exactly the word you're looking for. And, sorry for this, but it's one of my pet peeves: In the sentence "then I realise that that’s exactly what I wanted all along," the word "that's" doesn't exactly has a reference.</p>

<p>I agree with Achat and Searchingavalon's comments. I like the essay. It needs a little bit more specifics on what you did in Africa and in what ways you think your are different from your earlier self and from your stay-at-home friends.
Instead of "futile' I think you mean "insignificant" or "trivial." I also agree about the lack of reference of "that." What exactly had you wanted?</p>

<p>Thanks alot guys, I appreciate the comments and I'm working on re-writing bits of the essay. Does anyone else have any other comments?</p>

<p>I think there is a tense problem. The last paragraph is expressing your present thoughts of events in the past. Shouldn't the first two paragraphs be written in the past tense? I'm not a writer so there may be room for literary license here. But I would like it better with tense consistency.</p>

<p>To add to the other excellent advice that you have recd. - this essay is too general to be meaningful. Focus on one event or one aspect of your experience and talk about how that impacted you. What have you taken away from that experience? Also remember, every applicant who has done a stint in a developing country will be writing about the experience. Your essay will be similar to many others.</p>