Parental Worry

Parents Forum
1

<p>When do you stop worrying about your children?</p>

<p>Here I am, the father of a son in his mid-20s who has been accepted to some graduate programs, and I am worried to death over his future. I know, I know, this is absolutely ridiculous. But I’m worried about the thought of him taking on debt to finance grad study (unlike his undergraduate days, he’s on his own this time!), and how everything will shake out in the end.</p>

<p>I am basically writing this to shame myself into stopping the worry, so anyone of you folks who would like to take a shot at me, have at it! It would be most welcome!</p>

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<p>I don’t think I wll ever quit worrying and wanting things to work out for Ds. I want them to be safe, loved and happy. You’re just a good dad! :)</p>

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<p>No shame here, sorry. Seems to me that we never stop worrying about our children. Until they have children, then maybe we can start worrying about the grandchildren. I don’t know about that; I’m not there yet.</p>

<p>Worrying in this economy seems quite rational, but I’m sure your son will be fine. I find that exercise is a nice antidote to worry.</p>

4

<p>There is no upper limit. At one point I asked my mother this question while my grandmother was listening. She immediatly said “Never”</p>

<p>Sorry. THere is no point at which we can be sure they will be safe, loved and happy for ever after…</p>

5

<p>My father lived to be 83 and never stopped being concerned about what was happening with my sister and me – or my children.</p>

<p>I think people are hardwired to be concerned about the welfare of our children and grandchildren. They are, after all, our genetic legacy, and passing on your genes to future generations is what it’s all about, biologically speaking.</p>

<p>This is not what you wanted to hear, I know.</p>

6

<p>my son is interning (for free afaik) this summer outside boston. he’s supposedly staying with a friend till he gets settled. He needs to pay for rent and food. I have no idea how much $$ are in his bank acct. He needs to store his stuff in NYC before he leaves where he could have had a free room/board/$$ if he stayed.</p>

<p>Worry, me, you betcha!</p>

7

<p>Wow. I think a lot would depend on 1) the degree (creative writing/poetry or waste water treatment?) and 2) the program (some pay wages, waive tuition and cover health insurance) and 3) the debt load.<br>
I did grad school on my own nickel. So did my DH. Wasn’t great pay but we managed. I would be very wary, indeed, of a program that didn’t help the grad student get through.<br>
I think it would be ok to say “Son, I am going nuts with worry. Please talk to me about the details of where you want to go and what they are offering you.” It would be tragic if he did not realize that there are programs that PAY the grad student to be there.</p>

8

<p>25 yr old responsible D has decided to pursue vet school–she figures a load of dept and will be 32 yrs old when done–yep worried. still vote for her but worried…</p>

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<p>I think I heard Grandkids help to re-direct your worry!! You’ll know when it’s time to stop worrying about them when they are worrying about you!!!</p>

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<p>I’m middle-aged, with all the trappings. My mom still worries <a href=“ahem,%20experiences%20concern”>I</a>* about me. Sorry, Mom.</p>

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<p>doubt if you ever quit on this if you’ve been involved all along. each stage has its own nickel miseries. my d just went through 120 grand (my share) for a BA in English/art at an expensive lib art school, and for all the time and money still hasn’t a clue that soon it will come down to working for a living. what i find astounding is to hear apparently grownup people (mostly women, sorry) say something like “oh, she just needs to find her passion”! i’ve been working for about 40 years, and haven’t done badly at it. but what i’ve learned about work is you get paid to do something when someone needs it done but nobody will do it for free. passion never seems included in the job descriptions i read or write.</p>

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<p>There’s nothing wrong with worrying… just remember that worrying shouldn’t be cause for lack of support! I worry about my children all the time, but I support them in their choices unless I think they’re being wholly irrational – and even then I do sometimes if I don’t think they’re endangering themselves or others.</p>

<p>Remember! “The best way to give advice to your children is to find out what they want to do and advise them to do it.” It’s a joke, but it does have some truth to it.</p>

13

<p>Worrier here! I worry constantly about S. I’m middle aged, and when I drive from the Baystate to the Nutmeg state, my mom worries, frets, and paces until I call her to tell her that I arrived home safely! :slight_smile: I don’t think it ever stops. </p>

<p>My H has the right attitude. Don’t worry unless you can do something about it. Then just DO something. </p>

<p>I think we keep worrying, but let them solve their own problems.</p>

14

<p>It is naturally more worrisome in this economy to see your child taking on debt. Is his major the type that doesn’t get funded? He can inquire about TA or RA positions to offset some costs. And he can work summers. Grad school forum can help with insights if you want to get into specifics. But sounds like the decision is made and just the worrying part is left?</p>

15

<p>My mother also still worries about her children and we are all in our 50s! I think it’s in our wiring as parents and it will never totally stop. I think it does change, though, as we all (children and parents) grow older. Sniff…</p>

16

<p>Sorry, can’t help. Worrier here. I woke up this morning thinking about my S heading off to peace corps in less than 2 months. Then I start thinking how to get him to tell me he’s ok when he gets to DC. Then I wonder how he’ll get in touch with me when he gets to his country…then training site…then work site…Will he have proper heating? Electricity? HOw will he stay stafe? He’ll have to handwash his clothes…aaargh! The list goes on and on!! But thanks for posting, because ‘misery’ (in my case) loves company</p>

17

<p>Yup worrying here too. DS finishing up undergrad next month and applied to med school where he sits on just one waitlist with no acceptances. Plan B with research professor seems to be collapsing rapidly since they don’t want to take him on for one year while he reapplies to med school and there’s no plan C. Yup, we’re worried. DH never worries and even he said he wishes that DS had talked through his plans with us so we could have given him ideas. </p>

<p>So yes, parents = worry about kids. And did I mention I just got off the phone with my mom who always worries about me and my husband and his job and the kids etc.</p>

18

<p>There are some brain chemistry changes that seem to occur in the 45-55 age range where worry increases. So some begin to worry when they never worried about things like this before. Others get to a spot in life where they thought their worries would naturally lessen as kids got older, but their brains translate “less to worry about” into “more.”</p>

<p>Your normal, your a parent, and for many reasons you will continue to be concerned enough to “worry’” </p>

<p>Don’t worry, I don’t like being “normal” either.</p>

19

<p>Wow, it looks as if I’m not so crazy after all!</p>

<p>Some more info:</p>

<p>He is seeking a master’s degree that should translate into some decent job opportunities (“Should” – now there’s the rub). He is surprised that he was accepted into a competitive private school, and didn’t really believe that he would be faced with the choice of accepting the offer (which carries only a minimal scholarship) and then taking on a substantial amount of debt. He has been accepted into some less competitive state schools, which are obviously less expensive. Then just yesterday he received an admissions offer with a 50% scholarship to a less competitive private school.</p>

<p>The whole episode is fairly hilarious. He wasn’t expecting any of this. In fact, now he thinks that he should have been applying to more reaches. In the meantime, he has about another week to decide on the competitive school. He visited this school and was just knocked out by it, so I think that he really wants to go there. But the impending debt …</p>

<p>Thanks to those of you who chimed in that I still retain a semblance of sanity. It had a calming effect on me. I am going to make a concerted effort to reduce the worrying and have more faith that things will work out for him.</p>

20

<p>westerndad~</p>

<p>Perhaps you’ve heard of the following story or a variation of it:</p>

<p>"It is said that there was once a gentleman in the middle east. His only possession that really amounted to anything for him, his wife, and son, who lived in a little hovel, was a gorgeous Arabian mare. The mare was absolute perfection. </p>

<p>The neighbors always came by and said how lucky he was to have this one beautiful mare. He said he didn’t know whether it was good or bad, he just knew he had this lovely mare.</p>

<p>Well, one night she broke out of the corral and when he got up the next morning, he discovered that she was gone. All the neighbors came by and said how terrible, how bad it was that the mare was gone. He said he didn’t know whether it was good or bad, all he knew was that the mare was gone.</p>

<p>One morning about a week and a half later, she came back and had seven beautiful Arab stallions with her. She brought those in the corral with her. They were all smitten with her, so they went in the corral too. Now all the neighbors came by and said what wonderful luck he had. They said, "You have these seven beautiful stallions along with your mare back.</p>

<p>He said, “I don’t know whether it’s “good” or “bad”, all I know is I got mare back and seven stallions with her.” </p>

<p>So while they looked them over, the son decided to break these stallions so they could be ridden and they could sell them. One of the stallions threw him and broke his leg. So he was laid up with a broken leg. They didn’t have those little pins they use now so you could get up and go. He was laid up with a splint.</p>

<p>The neighbors came by and said, “That’s bad, your son has a broken leg.”</p>

<p>He said, "I don’t know whether it’s good or bad, I just know my son has a broken leg.</p>

<p>About this time the king sent his men through the area and took all able-bodied young men to send them on one of his war ventures. The son couldn’t go because he had a broken leg. The neighbor’s sons all had to go.</p>

<p>The neighbors came over and said how lucky the man was because his son didn’t have to go because he had a broken leg. He said, “I don’t know whether it’s good or bad, I just know my son has a broken leg and didn’t have to go with the Army.” </p>

<p>It is within our nature, as parents, to want to prevent our children from experiencing the pain of mistakes. We can never know, however, what our children will learn as a result of their experiences. Even well-intended, well-thought out plans can go awry, and “mistakes” hold the potential for gaining wisdom. Maybe all we can do is provide thoughtful “guesstimates” to them as they ask for advice and then let go of the outcome…life can’t be controlled.</p>

<p>Best to you and your S.</p>